SIL is my new BFF?

[AnonymousDIL]

So this is more a SIL problem, but didn't know where else to put it.

I have had a VERY interesting weekend.... Firstly, my Mom's mother had a stroke and went into the hospital. It wasn't too serious and she is going home today. Yay!

I found out that DH had a FB/text fight with SIL last week which ended with him sending a not-so-nice text calling her a not-so-nice name and him getting a call from MIL 10 seconds (not kidding lol) later. Well, FIL came up for dinner on Saturday (MIL/FIL are separated in the midst of a divorce because she is having an affair). And the fight came up. I commented that I was disappointed that he would say that to her and looked at DH and said "Don't antagonize your sister."

Well, FIL was stopping by MIL's that night and told SIL (she's 19 stll at home) that I "stood up for/defended" her. Well, I didn't exactly defend the girl. I agree 100% that she is what DH called her, just that he should NOT have said it to her because he is bigger than that.

So, Sunday morning, I wake up to a loooooooooooong email in my inbox from SIL. She wanted to thank me for defending her (which in my opinion I didn't do! Lol). That's fine, whatever. BUT this wasn't the "topic" of the email. The email was a long diatribe about all the crap that DH has done to her over the years and why she hates him and basically why I shouldn't trust him and should hate him too. (Really, Ladies? I am supposed to not trust and hate my own husband who has been nothing but honest and kind to me?!)

Well, some of the stuff she accused him of in this email were really off the wall (like hacking her myspace on their shared computer and ruining a friendship). I of course, asked DH about it. He goes "I have no idea what she is talking about. We didn't even have a shared computer." DH and sib's were home-schooled through a cyber school and each had their own computer which is what I have ALWAYS been told. Partly why I found this accusation so off the wall.

She also said that her and a former BF talked about marriage with DH and he told her she was too young to get married and was stupid for thinking about it. Well, she said she dated this guy for 3 years. Um, NO! She STARTED dating him AFTER DH and I got together (we will be together 3 years in Sept.) and dated for MAYBE 6 months LONG-DISTANCE. She would never discuss that type of thing with DH because they do not have that kind of relationship. Plus she was 17 when she dated this guy and DH's "supposed advice" would have been dead on IMHO.

But I digress, I wrote a response to her calling her out on all these blatant lies. Well, I was running late for church. She can thank the Lord that she will never get that email lol. I deleted it when I got home because I knew it wouldn't solve anything. I figured just "ignoring" it would solve the problem better (she has always hated my guts btw).

Well, last night, I get a forward joke email (this girl has NEVER emailed me the entire time I have no her except to curse me out). So what, is she now my new BFF? What should I do? How long do I let this go on before I tell her "Ya know, I didn't defend you. I just don't think he should have said that to your face."?

[LaurieS]

You can ignore it all together and I would ignore her forwards as well.. or you can reply to the original and simply say that your intentions were misunderstood and that while you prefer that your dh doesn't call anyone names, the rest of their issues are between them.. I would not call her out on any of the misconstrued facts... it could just be how she remembers them   we all have our own version and interpretations   .... Then I'd simply go on about your life treating her the same as you had  before the 'fight'...  lol.. next time you may want to say out of it all together

[Mariatobe]

I think if you ignore her, she'll stop.  She feels, wrongly, that you defended her.  It should have stopped there.  But being 19, she's not wise in the life experience dept.  Plus, teenagers tend to put their life on the internet for everyone to read.  I'm glad you told DH.  If she brings it up to you again, tell her, you thought DH should not have said that but that SHE ALSO was out of line for saying that about DH.  That you will always stick up for him.  Then let it go.  She'll get the message and move on to one of her own friends.  She sounds like a young 19 year old who needs to figure out her own life and not blame others.

[holliberri]

I don't think it matters whether she thinks you defended her or not. Let her think you defended her, that's fine.

I'd continue ignoring the earlier e-mail, and if she's forwarding you jokes, so what? I prefer entertainment in my inbox once in awhile, no matter who it is from. It's better than spam.

She can't really change your mind about your DH no matter what she says, so to me, that means her words are powerless.

[Pooh]

I am with the other ladies, I think you should first try to ignore it and hopefully she will eventually stop.  As long as your DH knows about it and you explained that you didn't defend her, just his actions, I wouldn't worry about it either.  Your DH knows the truth.

Now if she continues with emails dogging your DH, you may have to reply eventually.  But I would do it nicely like Laurie said.  Simply that you were only defending the fact that he used ugly words, and shouldn't have, but that her issues are between her and him.

In the meantime, just delete the forwards.   

[AnonymousDIL]

Thanks, Ladies.

I am VERY glad that I didn't respond lol It would only have been out of spite. I know that every word out of her mouth is a lie.

She once flipped DH off in front of me. I told her "Don't deny that you did it." She goes "I won't" 20 minutes later she did because she drug MIL into the thing saying DH was horrible to her which he wasn't he made a joke that she didn't like. MIL asked me if I saw. I said I did that Yes, she flipped him off. SIL denied it again and MIL accused ME of being a liar! I was LIVID to say the least.

I do sincerely hope that by ignoring her she will "go away." She hated my guts, refused to speak to me, but I was really okay with that. I tried to have a relationship with her for over 2 years, but I'm done now. A decision DH and I came to together around the new year. We didn't "cut her off," but we do not initiate the contact with her.

And their fight was over something really dumb! DH took this awesome photo of a buddy shooting a gun with his professional camera that got the muzzle-fire and everything. Buddy posted it and DH commented about his camera taking the awesome pic and how glad he is that it turned out. SIL steps up and calls him a liar that SHE took the photo with  her Cellphone. Personally, I would have just ignored her and let it go, but DH didn't. It was really immature of the pair of them.

And yes, I don't want put in the middle of a SIBLING squabble over stupid crap lol

She "remembers" them differently.... Oh my, lol, I think she should have a brain scan or something to check into that lol She would argue that the sky is green just to be able to argue lol

[luise.volta]

IMHO - Don't do anything. It's the "he said/she said syndrome" and can start WW III. Silence is golden!   

[AnonymousDIL]

IMHO - Don't do anything. It's the "he said/she said syndrome" and can start WW III. Silence is golden!   

I sure wouldn't mind if she went MIA during WW III though lol

I feel like I am "parenting" DH right now. "Will what you are going to send hurt your sister feelings? Then don't send it."

Didn't their parents teach them if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?!

[luise.volta]

Yup, that's the "Invisible Masking Tape Rule!" 

[LaurieS]

Sometimes brothers and sisters have an odd way of communicating ... love can often times turn to nit picking and name calling and yes the occasionally flicking off of the other.. I'd just say out of their relationship.

[holliberri]

You should hear the banter my brother and I exchange. I wouldn't dream of talking to an actual human being like that. 

I'm sure your DH doesn't talk to you like that, so he knows what he's doing. 

[LaurieS]

I thought I had heard it all until I listen to my kids communicate amongst themselves... very descriptive use of the English language  ... This is where I think my dil has problems.. she never had a brother, so I'm sure most of their playing while growing up was 'nice' and most of their memories 'sweet'.   My kids just had a different view of nice and sweet

[holliberri]

Did she have sisters? I should PM you the list of names the girls down the street called one another. My brother and I could never top those...

[LaurieS]

Yes, my dil has one sister.. now that little girl has the most personality in the family....  My dil was ummm protected, sheltered, however you want to put it..  I don't think she ever heard a bad word unless it was from the nasty kids down the street.  I think they pretty much had that picture perfect family when the girls were  young in their matching dresses and bows.  I think it's just a struggle for her to understand a different form of communication.

[AnonymousDIL]

Oh, my brother and I are like that too. And so is DH with BIL1 (closest to him in age), but in both our cases you can tell that when it is all said and done we still love one another and still get along. That's not the case with SIL. She treats EVERYONE like this. She does things/says things to deliberately hurt people. If she were really just that way, when you tell her that hurt my feelings, etc. wouldn't she apologize for it?

And she can't take it coming at her either. I went down there for dinner once and the cats were running around the kitchen and I asked if we were having Korean. She had a COW! Threatened to call the animal people on me to have MY pets taken away because I was not a good pet parent. It was a JOKE!