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Son In Law's Parents are Overly Friendly...

Started by buildingjoint, June 24, 2011, 04:31:27 pm

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Sorry, I meant to write 'ILs to your daughter and parents of your SIL'. 


My parent's are crazy friendly. It is just in their nature, and to be honest mine too. Seriously, we just gave an open invitation to my my cousin's in-laws, but we are a big family who does that. I don't think they want to impose on you, they most likely want you to feel welcome when they visit. If I was visiting I wouldn't want my ILs to feel left out.

Maybe do something small - dessert, a quick park trip. Or something that doesn't involve talking much - movies, or the such. Your DIL would probably really appreciate the effort. Maybe plan something with your DIL- say "I have a hour or two on this day would your parents like to do something?"

My MIL wouldn't even come to my home if my parents might be there, and doesn't show up to important events in our lives and now the life of our child if they coming either. Not because of the friendliness of course, but it still breaks my heart. They are my parents, and rejecting them feels like they are still rejecting me. I would never want my future DIL or SIL to feel that pain.


If they are making that choice...not to come to anything where your parents are present...it is their choice. It's abut them, not you. We can't change others...we can only see the emotional disability that is displayed in their actions and accept it as their best. Simple but not easy. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I think I read that you made your decision but I would like to chime in.   I think it would be ok and real for you to tell them that you appreciate their outreach but that you are just flat out uncomfortable in certain social situations.  You can let them know it's not them, it's more a preference of yours.  I think you could find a way to beg off but keep your integrity in at the same time.

I have relatives that don't like to go out in groups (myself included at times) and we all just know that's they way they/we
are but we still love them.


Quote from: Cheerios on August 25, 2011, 04:55:20 pm
They are my parents, and rejecting them feels like they are still rejecting me.

I get this.  Luise is right, it's not about you, but about them....but I still get this.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart; we grew up in a very small town.  His family and my family were always doing things as one big family. I loved my IL, they were almost more parents to me than my own.  ExH and I divorced in the 70s but that close relationship between all of us continues to this day, even though all the parents have now passed on.  I have had to be mega-tolerant over the years (as well as my X-IL of me) because at all important events there we all were/are.  At one graduation I found myself making sandwiches with my X-H wife. We all just were on our best behavior for our kids.  I am friends on FB with XH and his family (nobody invades anybody's space, nobody is overly friendly but there we are).  My aunt passed away a couple weeks ago and my XH sang at her funeral.

Not to say this is all perfect but we just get through it.  I will say I set a boundary with my MIL when I was 16 and caught her reading a letter I had written to her son.  I threw a fit.  She was always very wonderful to me and my children even when I divorced her son.  And I will say I continued to visit her (difficult to always do that) until she passed on because I knew it made her happy.  My X-H continued to visit my mom too because he knew that made her happy.  Nice memories now--no doubt the bad ones have all faded away with time. 
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift (Eleanor Roosevelt)


I relate to the agony this is for you, dear one, but I can't help but have a chuckle about this as its played out in my own FOO.  My sister's  in laws are just like this, they never met a stranger and consider the drop of any hat as time for a celebration.   They have showed up at every holiday, wedding, graduation, etc. for the past 20 yrs that went on in my FOO, not just one or two but sometimes the whole clan, and the chatter is deafening.   My sister fumed and sucked it up.  Now, after all these years, we just feel like its normal and would really think something was wrong if they failed to show up.  It has added color and dimension to our dysfunctional family, and my mother's just keeps on dealing with it.  I have a very hard time with entertaining, I always resist and try to make it go away, but after I push myself on into it I usually enjoy myself.  There's always rewards for every sacrifice we make for others I think, even if we have to look hard to find it.