They blame me for getting divorced from their dad

[Cindy S]

I have 2 grown sons.  Things were messed up when they were younger.  Their dad has passed.  They are in their mid-30's each having 1 child and both are divorced.  Both have had alot of problems.  I have tried to be there for them whenever i can.  But apparently, i am being blamed and all the crazy things that happened back some 30 yrs ago.  My youngest is in prison, my oldest thinks i'm interferring and has thrown me out, basically, from his life. 

The heartbreak is something i can't really find the words to discribe.

How do i handle all this?

[Pooh]

Welcome Cindy.  We are not responsible for the bad choices adult children make, they are.  But if you are willing to share some more, I would like to know what you meant by "Things were messed up when they were younger?"  I think we need to hear more of what you mean by that before being able to offer any advice. 

[luise.volta]

Welcome. One of the things that helps most when you are new here is to read many different threads and a lot of posts to start to get the feel of the community at large and the members individually. It can become a kind of extended family and offer a lot of support. I would suggest you work on self-love and don't look for logic in your son's behavior. Start the healing process within that could lead you to a new and full life in time. Sending love...

[Faithlooksup]

I have 2 grown sons.  Things were messed up when they were younger.  Their dad has passed.  They are in their mid-30's each having 1 child and both are divorced.  Both have had alot of problems.  I have tried to be there for them whenever i can.  But apparently, i am being blamed and all the crazy things that happened back some 30 yrs ago.  My youngest is in prison, my oldest thinks i'm interferring and has thrown me out, basically, from his life. 

The heartbreak is something i can't really find the words to discribe.

How do i handle all this?

Hi Cindy and welcome.....I know this is no bed or roses for you and believe it or not it is nothing new as well.......Of course you are going to be blamed for you are MOM which comes under the heading at times,
unfortunately........I have been the blame for everything, even things which never took place...IIt just happens and a part of life.

However Cindy, stand up tall, shake your self off and say NO to it all........You know you are a good Mom, you know the person whom you are.......Yes, we have all never been perfect, we have done our Best and that is all we can do.    If they need to blame, let them~~a lot if it is displaced anger and sooner or later the truth will prevail, it always does....sometimes overnight....sometimes years down the road.

Your sons (I have 2 myself) need to grow and learn and they will find that they will also make mistakes along life's journey and that no one is perfect~~perhaps by then the finger pointing will come to a halt and forgiveness will begin...

Let them go Cindy and let them learn on their own...for there is nothing you can do except take care of YOU...and I hope you do...

Sending the Best...Faith

[Keys Girl]

Mothers are always blamed for everything.  Single mothers in particular.

Next time someone blames you tell them "I have big shoulders, blame me for everything, WWII, the Korean War, the Black Plague, yep, I'm the person to point the finger at".........then drive on.

The blame game is very popular these days, but you don't need to play it.

Find out what makes YOU happy and go out and get it, maybe your sons will stop playing the game eventually and take some responsibility for their own happiness but if they don't that doesn't mean that you have to put up with the misery they would like you to wallow in.

[Nana]

Welcome Cindy

As you can see, many ladies on this site are experiencing your same problem. It is not unusual that children blame their parents for their problems, specially when they are having problems.  They need someone  to blame.   Probably we did screww it up, but we are human, and at the end we make our own choices.  I admire all those who have had a tough childhood and have made it neatly through adulthood.  Maybe these children had to work harder...and that is what made them stronger.

Some ladies here will give you very good advice.

Wishing you peace and hope.

Love

[luise.volta]

Once I learned that the "Blame Game" is a denial of responsibility, I was able to move on with my elder son. It was scary that he saw me as that powerful. We all must look like that to little folk...but in the best of circumstances, they eventually see us as human and imperfect on their way to finding out that they, too, have feet of clay.

At first I believed it and took it on. (Hair shirts hurt!) Then I took a stand with myself, because my son wouldn't listen, and got that I had done my best...no matter what that looked like at any given moment.

It was about him, not me. A lot of other factors besides my influence had to be factored in, his own personality, DNA, other roll models, the times. He made many choices along the way and didn't like the consequences.

Sending love...