Concerned about DDs new boyfriend

[holliberri]

I hope no one thought I meant "head in the sand" about not asking. Please let me clarify.  I don't think further sleuthing of a possible wife on FB is going to be helpful.

Even without having seen the FB, since he had 4 kids, I think you can ask, "So, I guess the guy is divorced?" 4 kids denotes a certain amount of baggage.

*Also! I know several people on FB that have the wrong status. They either don't know it's wrong, haven't fixed it, arent online enough to fix it, don't know how to fix it, or just want to keep unwanted e-mails at bay (listing "married" is an easy way to do that). It could mean many different things.

[Rose799]

Back in the day, all my dp's would need to say was, "You make your bed; you get to lie in it."  That was plenty enough for me to think twice~

[cadagi101]

My eldest daughter, turning 30 in a few months, has recently started dating someone that she's known for a few years.  I met him once, seemed very polite, and I'm very bad with judging a person's age but I would have said close to 40.  When she first started talking about him she told me things that indicated that he was coming on VERY strong right out the gate (my first thought was that he was a player and telling her exactly what she wanted to hear) and I cautioned her to take it slow.

Just yesterday she said that he has 4 children, the youngest is 16, and a grandchild.  That was quite a surprise!

If my daughter - approximately same age as yours - ever says those things to me I am not going to sit in the bush. 

I am going to ask her straight out: is he still married?  If the answer is yes, I am going to tell her to value herself more than she currently is and get out of that relationship.  (A man who cheats on his wife now will probably cheat on her later.)  If the answer is no, I am going to warn her that unless he has been divorced for at least a year, he is not yet ready for a permanent relationship and that she should consider herself his bridge to the next permanent woman in his life.

After my first husband left me for another woman, my father told me he had never liked my choice, and he did not trust the man, but decided not to say anything to me.  I will tell you from experience that I wish he had voiced his opinion before I married.

Hi, I read all the emails and agreed with the first posts then I read this one and know it would be what i would do in that situation.

My dsister said after her first failed marriage "why didn't you warn me"  well we didn't think she'd listen but we should have.   My dm and dad did talk to her about "pitfalls" the 2 time...and the 3rd...well she may listen one day.  They can feel happy they tried and if they were wrong the 2nd time then who could blame them for trying.   

[LaurieS]

There is a difference between asking and understanding what a situation entails, and giving a warning.  To me a warning is usually slanted more towards the negative, "don't do this" way of coming across.  My own dd asked me if I would warn her if I thought she was making a mistake... I honestly told her that at one time I probably would have... I may still express my concerns but to sway her decision is not my  place. 

I watched my own parents do this, hand picked my older sister's future husband.. yeah well that ended terribly and she was left with nothing to even live in, he torched her clothes and she now had two kids that she was responsible for.  My parents warned me about my husband, he was trouble, he was going to get me into trouble etc... now they have to admit that I have the most stable relationship and family out of the bunch.  Had he gotten into some trouble in his 'wild' days.. yep.. but it wasn't like I hadn't and besides bad boys were more fun.  The truth is, only I could decide who was going to make me the best person I could be.. I followed my heart.. my parents would have warned for all their right reasons but they would have been wrong about what he  would mean to me.

Without a doubt my dd should be aware of any bf's marital status.  From there it would be her decision... Now saying that, it doesn't mean that I blindly support her decision and I would have my own boundaries that their relationship would have to respect, but I do have to respect her and her life.

[cadagi101]

There is a difference between asking and understanding what a situation entails, and giving a warning.  To me a warning is usually slanted more towards the negative, "don't do this" way of coming across.  My own dd asked me if I would warn her if I thought she was making a mistake... I honestly told her that at one time I probably would have... I may still express my concerns but to sway her decision is not my  place. 

I watched my own parents do this, hand picked my older sister's future husband.. yeah well that ended terribly and she was left with nothing to even live in, he torched her clothes and she now had two kids that she was responsible for.  My parents warned me about my husband, he was trouble, he was going to get me into trouble etc... now they have to admit that I have the most stable relationship and family out of the bunch.  Had he gotten into some trouble in his 'wild' days.. yep.. but it wasn't like I hadn't and besides bad boys were more fun.  The truth is, only I could decide who was going to make me the best person I could be.. I followed my heart.. my parents would have warned for all their right reasons but they would have been wrong about what he  would mean to me.

Without a doubt my dd should be aware of any bf's marital status.  From there it would be her decision... Now saying that, it doesn't mean that I blindly support her decision and I would have my own boundaries that their relationship would have to respect, but I do have to respect her and her life.

Hi Laurie, I may have put my point across wrongly.     'Listen" to my parents with choices of dh "next" time wasn't what I meant.... just to consider opinons of dp.  "They pay are expected to pay for the weddings so they can have a "gentle opinion"   certainly no-one can "tell another adult what is "best for them" in any situation.

[Rose799]

I hear you, Laurie.  My dp's felt the same way toward dh & were also wrong.  Without going in to detail, I expressed concerns initially, but did not sway dd's decision.  Dd had many regrets over the course of that year.  She moved in with bf out of sympathy, & quit school to work full time to support the two of them.   It went a lot deeper than that. Dd was in tears more often than not, bf lost his job due to drinking, etc.  I termed what dh said as an ultimatum, but it was more so, "If you decide to go back, we won't bear witness to this again." 

[LaurieS]

I think I understood what you were saying Julia... but my parents were not even given the opportunity to use the price of my wedding to have any say....We opted to have a simple ceremony that consisted of just us and our dog   We both wore blue jeans and oh do you remember those gauze tops?  I think we just had different views, but then again I got married when I was 21 yet I had moved away from home at 16... obviously I wasn't much into parents opinions.

Without a doubt Rose, you and your husband have to right to say that you will not participate in their relationship, that would be normal.  And while your dd may have come to a realization that she made an error, it's hers to live with.  Hopefully from bad comes something good, and my sister seems more content with her second husband and he was a good influence for her boys.  I think I have more of a concern (fear) of encouraging her to do something and then have it all backfire... I would feel that I had ruined or greatly interfered with her life... and it is her life.

Don't get me wrong.. we raised our kids holding a very tight rein, and there wasn't a whole lot they could do that I was not aware could be done. We allowed them to suffer the consequences of their decisions when we could and they learned early (ok 2 out of 3 learned) that if you analyze first what you did wrong, then it was easier to see how you did have control over the outcome at times.  But yeah once they hit the love stage in life, then it's time for me to hope I raised them with the self awareness that is needed to make their right decisions.. 

[lancaster lady]

Thing is by the time your offspring are in their late twenties ,they will have had their share of heartaches through broken romances .  You would hope they will.have learnt a thing or two . However love is blind as they say and its easy to get carried away in the depths of a new affair ..... they only tell you what they think you need to know if anything . I suppose we are lucky if they tell you anything .    ....  so do we.dive in with our opinions ? Or wait to pick up the pieces?if I thought my DD was being mistreated , nothing could  hold me back !

[LaurieS]

By time someone is in their late 20's they should know if they are being mistreated.  Love isn't that blind.. now I'm not saying that there aren't people who search for women/men to victimize through love, con artist who rob you  then leave.... but if you are blindly following someone by time you are in your late 20's  then that is how you are choosing to live.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't ask about a situation, but most likely, a stranger off the street would have more influence on your adult child then you will at that point.  But that is me generalizing a situation, which it's hard not to. Just saying, that I had the opportunity to make my own decisions, my kids should too.

[Pooh]

My parents couldn't stand my Ex-DH.  There were warning signs all over the place when we were dating (at 18) that they saw.  They never said a word to me and when I went through my divorce, my Daddy said, "He is an idiot and always has been."  I looked at him and said "Why didn't you say something 21 years ago?"  He just grinned and told me, "You wouldn't have listened."

He's right...I wouldn't have.  I was in Luuuuuvvvvvvv.

[holliberri]

I think I'd rather hear, "Why didn't you tell me that before?" than to be blamed for trying to get them to make a decision they just weren't ready to make (whether it was to stay with OR leave a certain person I had concerns about). 

[lancaster lady]

It's their decision totally .....but at least we can point out any concerns we may have .

My daughter a few years ago was dating a boy from the next town ,my friend found out about it  as he was also dating her daughter too .
There was no way I wasn't going to tell her , the other girl became pregnant only to marry this guy .
Yeah you guessed it , he had the cheek to hit on my daughter again soon after the baby was born !
Was I right to tell my daughter ? Absolutely !

[Pooh]

It's their decision totally .....but at least we can point out any concerns we may have .

You are right and I wouldn't change what I did, but it was the beginning of my downfall of my relationship with OS and DIL.

[LaurieS]

I think as a parent you should and must talk to your kids if you have a concern.. but not to sway their decision based on your concerns especially when it comes to romance we seldom see the complete picture.  If asked I'm quick to say what I am willing to do or not to do, or how I would view something.. but I also have to respect that I can not say, so this is also how you should feel.  I  think that for the majority of our kids that leads into more of a challenge, and unfortunately as they are stepping into adulthood they are most certainly up to a challenge. 

[lancaster lady]

We do the best we can ...rightly or wrongly with our kids but if a relationship has to be kept secret
they maybe shouldn't be in it .