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The Dragons Keep

Started by 2tired2fight, March 02, 2011, 04:03:48 pm

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LaurieS

Oh I understand the difference, but I'm willing to jump on the bandwagon of .. it's his parents, let him deal with them... each family is quite different.. What I do not understand from the OP is this statement
QuoteMy question is, how do I get my inlaws and my DH to take responsibility for their own relationship and to leave me out of it?


Why does it matter if her dh and his parents have a relationship.. I thought her intention was to remove herself.  I think she probably drove herself into this state of exhaustion by doing things like forcing her dh to call his parents to invite them to a party so in turn they would remember the grandkids birthday, and thus eventually acknowledging the event... whew.. made me tired.  This type of thinking turns into manipulation.  Simple fact, you can't make your in-laws care if they choose not to, you can stop lending that type of help to dh but I think you do need to ask yourself.. are you helping or enabling poor behaviors?

Pooh

I think you just summed it up very well.  There is a big difference in helping because you want to, and enabling someone.  I learned the hard way.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

Hey Pooh... I love puppies too

Pooh

Hee hee...that was my sarcasm over the other day
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

I guess I am lucky (or lazy lol) on this one because I don't remind DH to make plans with his famly. MIL is more than willing to call us (77 times in one month! lol). As far as gifts for the IL's, I usually ask DH if there is something in particular he wants to get so and so. when he says, "not really," they get a gift card. :-) lol I do try to think of something for the women (MIL/SIL), but since all my gifts for SIL have been a bust, she isn't worth my mental energy. She'd probably prefer a gift card anyway. :-)

Although, MIL is probably going to get a pasta pot for Mother's Day. It was the coolest gift we got when we got married and my mom is getting one too! lol

Mariatobe

Laurie - I don't think the OP was being manipulative at all.  She was trying to bring everyone together and have events with both sides of the family.  Maybe her husband is busy like yours and she's always trying to get her husband to pick up the slack.  She doesn't get along with her IL's, but tried to keep his family involved.  I don't know how you can call that manipulative.  She's just plain tired of it, and tired of her husband for depending on her to keep his family involved, and in turn, is tired of being blamed and probably feels like now she's just nagging and is done with it.  Manipulation would only be if she tried to get people to act a certain way by guilt or crying or trying to get your own way.  She wasn't doing that, just trying to keep her IL's involved in their lives, and she's tired of no reciprocity.

After all the posts I've read on here about problems with cut offs and so forth, she is acting in a commendable way by trying to include her IL's.  It's just gotten too much.

LaurieS

I'm not saying that she doesn't have the right to feel one way or another.. my point was what is it that she is really after in the end

And your definition of manipulation could be correct.. so can mine  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/manipulation   skillful or artful management

AnonymousDIL

Just going to throw this out there......

A lot of MIL's (not all  :)) like to complain that when their son gets married they no longer see them or hear from him. These MIL's like to blame the DIL for being some horrible manipulator who has stolen away their baby boy and won't ALLOW him to contact them. Sometimes however, it is just that the DS just doesn't think about it. Not that he is trying to be mean or anything.

So a DIL like 2tired "knows" that MIL's can be like this so she decides that she doesn't want to be that horrible manipulator so she begins by "reminding" DH to keep his family involved in the early stages. This "reminding" inevitably progresses to "Nagging" and eventually to the point she is at now where she is just too tired to continue.

No one is really to blame in all of this. It just stinks that she will suddenly get all the blame when DS doesn't keep in contact with his parents. And, heaven forbid, if anything happens to one of them in this time period, she will most likely get the "Why didn't you remind me to have more contact with them?"... it is a lose-lose. :-(

Maybe it should be "skip the middleman (DH)" and just call them yourself to invite them to parties or wish them a Happy B-day and just hand DH the phone. Takes away the stressful nagging. :-)

LaurieS

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on March 03, 2011, 08:02:17 am
Maybe it should be "skip the middleman (DH)" and just call them yourself to invite them to parties or wish them a Happy B-day and just hand DH the phone. Takes away the stressful nagging. :-)

Absolutely this is the right approach.. you are not twisting yourself into a pretzel in order to achieve a end result that is suitable to everyone.  Now if you really have no desire to speak to, hear from, or ever see his FOO then that might not work :) 

Scoop

I think it's insulting to men to assume that they can't manage the simple task of remembering the special days of people who are important to them.  What?  They can't work a calendar?  They can't program the important dates into their computer or their phone, to remind them?  Baloney.  This is pure laziness on his part.  It's like saying that my DH doesn't make ice because he doesn't know the recipe.

LaurieS

Scoop.. have you not heard the story of my husband and the house alarm key pad?   Trust me, I'm thankful that he keeps up with the bills... I'll do the social aspect, it's a lot easier to get the final results that work for us.

AnonymousDIL

Scoop, my DH surprises me by remember special dates for us, but he doesn't know his parents b-day's when I ask. And he doesn't know how old his siblings are. It is really quite sad lol

I don't think it is so much that they are lazy, just that they are designed differently. Men usually have a hard time multitasking, so if the big game they are excited about is two days after MIL's b-day, they are probably going to forget.

And, if I took care of all the arrangements for a party, he would probably assume that I invited his family unless I remind him to do so....

Quote from: Laurie on March 03, 2011, 08:34:36 am
Scoop.. have you not heard the story of my husband and the house alarm key pad?   Trust me, I'm thankful that he keeps up with the bills... I'll do the social aspect, it's a lot easier to get the final results that work for us.


I haven't... sounds interesting.....

AnonymousDIL

My dad always forgot my parents anniversary. The one year he remembered my mom accidentally called the cops on him! lol

He left for work (3:00am) and snuck back in with his gift. Mom didn't know it was him and freaked out! lol

holliberri

I don't think men have a hard time multi-tasking. My DH was swigging a beer, feeding DD and and folding laundry in between her bites before he left for his business trip. He remembers my courthouse wedding anniversary, and I don't. I'm always like, 3 days off. 

I think it really depends on the dynamics of your relationship and what the couple has worked out that works for them. I think it depends on both personalities as to who winds up taking care of what. My stepdad plans things like parties and dinners and takes care of invites...mom couldn't be bothered.

I think if a person wants to do it, they find a way to do it.

Tara

I'm in agreement with you Holliberry. 

But I think when women are younger they may try it one way and then want to change and what works one year doesn't
work 5 years later for some.

by the way Holliberry, what do you liked to be called:  Holliberry, HB, Holli.  I know various nicknames don't work for everyone.