Acceptance

[irenic]

Wow Faith, you moved me today, thanks so much your words lifted me up.  I do have really good days and then bad days, this is a bad month.  I am going to take your advice, no calls, no cards, no gifts, nothing, but......WHAT ABOUT THE GRANDKIDS GIFTS? I sent them all gifts at Christmas and for their birthdays and did not hear a word, the only way I know they got it is the bank had cahsed the checks and the delivery company had record they delivered the packages.  How rude, how awful not even to respond or have the kids respond to me.  It is hard
for me, I guess the gifts are a way I am hoping their will come contact bottomline.   But thanks so much, you are an angel today.

[Keys Girl]

Here's a thought for your grandchildren's gifts. ..........set up an education fund in their names at a local bank.  Don't tell anyone, but continue to send the kids some e-cards.  When they reach 18, you can give them the savings, no sense in letting someone else spend the money in the meantime.

I would back off, it's very hard, every time you try to initiate contact, via gifts or anything else it is probably perceived as something to resist.

They are rude, awful, and cruel.....no doubt about it...... but they are using the tactics of the Charlie Sheen School of "Winning"........which of course is the school that no one should attend.

[irenic]

Hi Keys, I do not have the information needed to open up accounts, I have had that suggested.  I had thought about donating to a charity in their name and having them send
the acknowledgement to my daughter.  More needed than my grandkids really. 

[LaurieS]

Hi Keys, I do not have the information needed to open up accounts, I have had that suggested.  I had thought about donating to a charity in their name and having them send
the acknowledgement to my daughter.  More needed than my grandkids really.

Irenic.... I think I'd use great caution before doing something like this... I think the term that has been used towards this type of behavior is passive/aggressive.  Your daughter is asking you to back off, by doing this type of thing you are telling her that you will stop at nothing and that you do not value her decision as a person to know what is right for her and her family.  I have to ask, what good do you think will come from this?  Do you feel that she may call you and say, hey thanks mom I always wanted to give to that charity? I think you may end with an unrepairable fractured relationship if you can not step back and give her space.

[irenic]

Thanks Laurie,
I see your point, I appreciate your honesty with me, and I guess you
are right.  I didn't see it that way, but I guess she might. 

[Pen]

Irenic, does it really matter why she's behaving like this? The bottom line is that you are looking for a way to eventually show your GC how much you've loved them all this time. I don't think it has to be a financial gift - how about a diary/scrapbook with cards you would have sent, photos of you and your family and friends, heartfelt sentiments about how proud you are of them and how much they are loved? I would have been moved to tears by a gesture like that. If you must give them money later, open up an account in your name that you can access if they have a particular need for something in the future and are treating you well.

[LaurieS]

Irenic... I can see how you are trying to hang onto any form of connection with your daughter.. I honestly can not begin to imagine how it would feel to have my own child pull so far away.  I do not see how you can have a relationship with  your grandkids if you do not have one with your daughter first.  I would hope that if you give her the space she is asking for at this time, then she will see that you are really listening to her, and respecting her decisions... once she has that confidence in your relationship hopefully she will accept this as a new starting point for the future. 

I do feel your anger, frustration, hurt and sadness.. remember, taking that step back is not saying goodbye

[myree]

i am in a place of trying to accept my daughters behavoiur too, its not easy and i cant add much more than whats been written by other wise women here , i am just trying to be resposible for making my self happy

[irenic]

I am on the journey now to disconnect in love and not anger.  Some days are better than others.  Today I
am ok.  Thanks everyone, it does help to have people give you their opinions, thoughts and suggestons, for me
I really have to listen, even if what you say hurts or hits thenail on the head, I listen.

[LaurieS]

Glad you are feeling better today.. I know for me anger is my first reaction of self defense... it's wrong.. I know it's wrong... nothing positive comes from it because it's to easy to go from anger to revenge and justification. I know that my anger would be born out of frustration and fear.... I'd like to know why we don't go first into a happy and calm mode, and I guess some people do.  It's kinda like food.. seems like all the easy stuff to reach for is the bad stuff

[Keys Girl]

Irenec, your daughter's choices are hers alone and I wouldn't send her anything that might reminder her of you, for example, photographs with the two of you.

It's more than difficult to accept someone else's insistent choices but not to do so could just make things worse.

I would start a website for the grandchildren, and tell them about their family tree and memories that you have of the people who have passed away that they will never meet.  I would not talk about the fact that you aren't on good terms with their mother, but pass on to them the photographs, etc. of the extended family that came before them.  Your grandchildren will eventually be able to read about your family's background and their mother won't be able to keep them from knowing about you and their heritage.  It will keep you busy and bring back some good memories to cover up the recent bad ones.

I would save the money for gifts in your name and leave it to a trusted lawyer to administer as an inheritance.

It's very difficult to get over the anger, it's part of the grief process, but acceptance comes eventually.  Good luck,

[Faithlooksup]

Hi Irenic,  We know you are listening~~but are you faithfully trying to achieve what we suggest to you???  I remember when my boys were little and I would ask them "What part of NO is it that you don't understand?" NO means NO...

We are not being mean or nasty, we are trying to help you with this.   Their is NO grey area here, you need to let go and stop completely--grandchildren as well...Irenic, this does not mean that you do not Love them~~what it means is you are honoring your daughters wishes...She does not want any contact with you at all and the children as well.....AND, its OK.....yes, it is, for that is the way it has to be.....no matter how LONG it takes----Let her come to you, for the more you contact her and the children the more she is going to PUSH you away.  It does not feel good being pushed away does it???  So dont do it, for it only HURTS more~~and causes more havic.

Maybe~~start a journal and write a little letter to your GC's everyday--but respectfully said--Please dont write anything nasty about their Mom-your daughter, for that just may end up opening up a new can of worms which you do NOT want.

I am certain your daughter loves you~~but she is growing and going thru whatever she needs to go thru---let her have her space and time to do so without you.  She knows you Love her, she knows your door is open for her----so let her come to you.

Have you been reading any of the books which have been suggested to you?  If not, please do so they will help you and give you Peace at this time., and there after...

Sending HUGS across the Miles for I just dont know what to say anymore...
Also remember~~everyday you do not contact her, is a day becoming closer to her!

[Pen]

Sorry I should have been more clear - I agree, don't send anything now! Keep your diary/letters/photos for later when the GC come on their own to get to know their GP. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Irenic. Take care.

[Pooh]

Glad you are feeling better today.. I know for me anger is my first reaction of self defense... it's wrong.. I know it's wrong... nothing positive comes from it because it's to easy to go from anger to revenge and justification. I know that my anger would be born out of frustration and fear.... I'd like to know why we don't go first into a happy and calm mode, and I guess some people do.  It's kinda like food.. seems like all the easy stuff to reach for is the bad stuff

Me too...but my first line of defense is usually sarcasm, because I am angry or hurt.  I know it's wrong too and I'm working on it.

[LaurieS]

Gee Pooh together we'd be a force to reckon with if crossed negatively   nothing worse then a PO smart a$$