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Concerned about DDs new boyfriend

Started by MotherOf3, March 03, 2011, 07:41:56 AM

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overwhelmed123

Even if he's legally married, I don't think that necessarily means he's scum.  They could have been separated for a number of months and just not gone through the legal system.  Try not to judge him even if he's legally married unless you know all the facts.  My H wore his wedding ring for awhile after he and his ex wife separated and she moved out simply because he didn't feel like dealing with people's questions.  I'm sure on facebook it's even worse since it says "So and so changed their status to 'single.'"  He'd have a million people going, "OMG WHAT HAPPENED?" and maybe he just doesn't want to deal with it and keep his life private.  Just a thought.

Rose799

Quote from: Laurie on March 03, 2011, 08:56:38 PM
And while your dd may have come to a realization that she made an error, it's hers to live with.  Hopefully from bad comes something good, and my sister seems more content with her second husband and he was a good influence for her boys.  I think I have more of a concern (fear) of encouraging her to do something and then have it all backfire... I would feel that I had ruined or greatly interfered with her life... and it is her life.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to carry that weight either, Lauri...  Dd learned some difficult, yet valuable lessons from her experience.  I will admit, though, dh & I could have done better of allowing dd the "privilege" of learning via natural consequences through the years. 

Mama Tani

I personally, believe that if she has known him for quite sometime; she knows he is divorced.  As to the FB thing...some of us do not know how to change settings (I wouldn't worry about that).  It is my opinion, that you talk with her.  I would bring it up carefully in such a way, SHE tells you of his current situation. 

If your daughter knows "you" know, that you are concerned for her, and you will be there in the event there are issues with the future stepchildren or future husband.  I think it will help her if she knows she can come to you with problems.  (There indeed will be problems with teenage children and an ex-wife).  Maybe, in time, if this is not good relationship for her; she will see it along with your guidance. 

I personally could not keep this information from my daughter if she did not know; but careful consideration of the words you say to her will be appreciated in the future.   Although, I haven't been met with this situation - I know this must be heart rending and I am thinking of you through this difficult time!

Pooh

Quote from: Mama Tani on March 04, 2011, 09:55:14 PM
I personally could not keep this information from my daughter if she did not know; but careful consideration of the words you say to her will be appreciated in the future.   Although, I haven't been met with this situation - I know this must be heart rending and I am thinking of you through this difficult time!

Now that would be different with me.  If my YS was seeing someone and I found out she was married, and he didn't have a clue....I would have to find a way to have a conversation with him and let him know.

But if this man is a friend on her daughter's FB, she knows the situation already.  Women are going to look at that status very quickly!  ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Nana

I also think that we should express our concerns (red flags) to our children in regard to their relationships.  I just happened to know my yd's boyfriend.  She lives in another city and so does he.  They came home for a visit and saw things I didnt like....A couple of times he got angry with her (dont know why) and just gave her the silent treatment.  She spoke to him and he would not even see her.  I wanted to vomit.   He was just getting to know us (her family) why not just try to give a good impression.  He couldn't care less.   So I thought...how are things when they are alone?  My God, I was truly worried.   After they left...she called me and told me not to worry...that he had apologized to her for being such a jerk.  She also mentioned that he was very good to her and that things where not like they seemed.  Well, anyway...I am still worried


Of course I fought a lot with hubby when we were dating but never in front of my or his parents.  Just venting.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

L

She has seen his facebook page if they are dating I would imagine.  I wouldn't mention it.  Maybe he is separated but divorce not final?  So that's why it still says married perhaps?  I wouldn't be concerned about the age difference but yes, it's never good to rush a relationship to fast but she is 30 now so it's up to her how fast she moves.  What I'm sure you are worried about is all those kids he has.  That would be a lot for her to take on.  Well, she can't help who she falls for even if he has all those kids.  Hope it all works out o.k.