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Ambushed

Started by pam1, February 28, 2011, 07:42:52 AM

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pam1

Thanks, Luise.  And that's a good reminder too.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

justus

I have always found that with people who wouldn't recognize a boundary if it hit them in the face, telling them what the boundaries are is like an invitation to step over them. She will test the boundaries, she will keep score, she will throw it in your face if you are not consistent, and she will make herself into a victim because of your "unreasonable" boundaries. So, if you do write a letter, don't include boundaries and consequences. Treat her like a two year old. You don't give a two year old long, complicated explanations, you simply give her consistent consequences when she steps over the line and she learns real quick where the boundaries are. When she showed up at that event, you and the kids, or DH and the kids should have left. She is counting one everyone smiling and ignoring her bad behavior, stop doing that. Call it in the moment, and give her immediate and natural consequences. It is hard to do, but what would have happened if you left? Most of the people there would have understood and the person who stayed behind could have called when MIL left for the others to return. I would bet that all these family members she is trying to fool, know and understand what is going on.

With the letter, is the therapist going to use it in therapy, or is this something you are going to send directly to MIL? I could see where a letter written by her son about why he has cut her off would be useful to a therapist. If this is how it is going to be used, I would encourage your DH to write it. Talk to the therapist again and see if this is his intent and if so, what he recommends for you to include in the letter.

But, if it is to be sent directly to her, you are only asking for trouble. It doesn't matter how well you write it, she will sift it through her personal filter and the result won't be pretty. Better to talk to her directly.

MIL wrote DH a horrible letter after we visited them this summer. In it, she used language that led him to believe that she thought he was no longer part of the family. "You left the family...."  and "you are welcome back in the family when...." among other phrases and that she blamed him for his sibling's problems. There were other things so wrong with that letter, too many to enumerate here. He wisely decided not to reply. His GM died last month, so he took another trip to his hometown. While he was there, he had it out with MIL. When he brought up the letter and gave her his interpretation of it, she was astounded at what he thought she wrote. He encouraged her to read it again and try to understand why he took it the way he did. I don't know if she did, but it was a relief for him to know that she did not mean what was actually written. I have a feeling she wrote an emotional letter and just sent it without rereading it a couple of times. The evidence being that she used no punctuation and did not spell check.

I doubt that your MIL will give your DH the chance to explain himself as DH gave his M a chance to explain herself. No matter how carefully you write it, she is going to take it the wrong way and twist it unless the therapist is there to help her work through it. It is just the nature of such letters. They are written emotionally and read emotionally.

pam1

Justus, thanks, it helps to hear real stories about this.  I'm really thinking a letter is the absolute wrong way to go, unless we write it with magic ink that disappears after a couple hours.

I think the reason why the want a letter from me is b/c MIL keeps saying to everyone I hate her.  To be honest, I have no idea if the counselor suggested it so they can go over our letters in therapy or suggested it as the only way to inform MIL as opposed to talking to her.  I will ask DH tonight when he gets home. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

I'd suggest sending the letter to the counselor not to mil.. let him read how you really feel and he may decided not to present it to her. 

luise.volta

I think all such letter are time bombs. They definitely need to be written...and then burned. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama