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Ambushed

Started by pam1, February 28, 2011, 07:42:52 AM

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overwhelmed123

Yeah, I'd say there was clearly a violation of personal boundaries when the title of the post is "Ambushed!"  LOL!  Obviously she's not trying to "fix" it.

seasage

Quote from: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 08:36:48 AM
Yes, MIL did something that crossed boundaries at this event.  She showed up uninvited and ambushed all of us, when she knows clearly that she has hurt both DH and I.  She knows that DH does not want to be around her and did I mention, she was not invited?  lol

Showing up at events uninvited is one of the reasons your DH cut his mother off????

I am so sorry DH doesn't want to be around his mother.  Were I the DIL in the middle, I would be feeling sorry for both of them. 

Pen

Pam1, was this an invitation only event that MIL crashed? What did the hosts think?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

Quote from: Pen on February 28, 2011, 08:44:26 AM
Pam1, was this an invitation only event that MIL crashed? What did the hosts think?

DH and I were co hosts and organizers.  We were put in a bad spot, we didn't say anything to the other co hosts and they just knowingly looked at us. 

This was not an event that she was welcome too, in fact, it was downright odd that she came.  But again, most of us touched by her are so used to stuff that no one says anything to her, no one rocks the boat, people cope as they can which is mostly ignoring.  No one wants to be her target so they just move out of the way. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

pam1

Quote from: seasage on February 28, 2011, 08:43:53 AM
Quote from: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 08:36:48 AM
Yes, MIL did something that crossed boundaries at this event.  She showed up uninvited and ambushed all of us, when she knows clearly that she has hurt both DH and I.  She knows that DH does not want to be around her and did I mention, she was not invited?  lol

Showing up at events uninvited is one of the reasons your DH cut his mother off????

I am so sorry DH doesn't want to be around his mother.  Were I the DIL in the middle, I would be feeling sorry for both of them.

No, it's not the reason.  I see you don't know my history and I don't feel like rehashing it here for you.  Please trust my word that DH and I are kind folks with a more than reasonable reason to cut her off.  If you can't accept my word, please forgive me in advance for ignoring you. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

seasage

Quote from: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 08:50:10 AM
No, it's not the reason.  I see you don't know my history and I don't feel like rehashing it here for you.  Please trust my word that DH and I are kind folks with a more than reasonable reason to cut her off.  If you can't accept my word, please forgive me in advance for ignoring you.

Are you cutting me off?  LOL!!!


pam1

Quote from: seasage on February 28, 2011, 09:00:24 AM
Quote from: pam1 on February 28, 2011, 08:50:10 AM
No, it's not the reason.  I see you don't know my history and I don't feel like rehashing it here for you.  Please trust my word that DH and I are kind folks with a more than reasonable reason to cut her off.  If you can't accept my word, please forgive me in advance for ignoring you.

Are you cutting me off?  LOL!!!

Only if you want me too  ;D
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

How did she find out about the event? Was it open to the public?

The reason I ask is that DS called us & invited DH & I to join him, DIL, & DIL's FOO at a public event. He then called back, livid, to tell us DIL & her FOO didn't like us and didn't want us there. DH said, "They don't own the venue. We can go if we want." So we did! DIL & her FOO shunned us although we were seated a couple of sections away. DS came over and apologized; he told us we'd done nothing wrong and that it was their problem. I was tempted to go over to say hello, but he and DH advised against it.

I wonder if my DIL feels that we ambushed her? Crashed an event uninvited? In my situation DH & I had every right as citizens and consumers to go to any event we wanted & could afford tix to. DIL & her FOO have no right to keep us from going to public places and events.

We'd never crash a private party, but public events are different. It might be tacky to attend, or embarrassing, but it isn't wrong.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

No, it was not open to the public, it was private and paid for by DH/I and other co hosts.  It wasn't a guarded event though.  lol.  And yes, she would know about it, just trust me.  What makes it worse is what is currently going on in our situation, MIL knows she is cut off from us.  She knew that DH and I didn't want to be around her.  But as usual, she thinks anything involving one of her kid involves her too and she is entitled to be a part of it.  If anything, showing up invited/uninvited, what have you..considering our current situation, this was an extremely short sighted and dim decision of anyone to make in her position. 

This was the first time I've showed up at a public outing where I knew that she knew I'd be.  I don't know why it didn't occur to me beforehand that she would crash it.  She hasn't been able to get at us for awhile, this was her first chance and boy she didn't let it pass!

I don't think what you did was wrong Pen and it is much different than what happened here
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Thanks for clearing that up, Pam1.

It breaks my heart that your MIL is such a hard case that her DS no longer wants anything to do with her.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Mariatobe

I'm on the fence about this one.  I guess you and DH should ask yourselves what do you want from MIL.  Does he want a normal relationship with her?  Is she capable of this, has too much damage been done?  Do you trust her?  I haven't read all your posts, but I think some of the other ladies said, wait and see.  Maybe take that approach for a while.  She obviously wants attention from you and DH.  A letter, although thoughtful, may send her over the edge and make her be even more defensive.  If she's already in attack mode.  I would not do anything, and ask DH what he thinks.  Also, did you see this counselor with her?  Does she know what his recommendation is?  Would she even accept a letter, and take it in the best way, or would she feel it was another attack?  It might not do any good if she's not willing to receive it, and see what the problems are.  She may view it as another attack. I would not do anything, and let this be up to DH to proceed as it is his mother.  If he wants you're help, he'll ask, but sometimes, as DIL's, we have to remove ourselves and let husbands deal with their own mothers. 
Also, I agree with Holli - the fact that you can be around her and laugh, and not get mad, puts you in a stronger place emotionally.  Sounds like you've healed from some of the problems, and that is always a good place to be:)

pam1

Yeah, maybe I'll just rest on this one for awhile.  It really confuses me.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

AnonymousDIL

About the whole "looking at it like sitcom thing." I guess I might have progressed a little further than I thought. I found this HILARIOUS....

DH wrote MIL and GM/GFIL a letter (I supported him, but didn't really want him to send it lol). Anywho, it was passed around to the ENTIRE extended family (30+people). Anywho, in it he had mentioned some crazy stuff his family does (They charge for dinner at their houses. $13 for 2 shish ka-bobs, then fight over the leftovers, it is really weird to me lol) and that now that we (the grandkids) are all adults GM/GFIL don't really need to buy us all Christmas presents anymore.

It has to be expensive doing the Christmas gifts for 30+ people! Anywho, about a week before Christmas GFIL sent DH an email that he "just can't give it up because it makes him feel like a grinch and he will be doing gifts this year." Okay, it's his choice to do that. DH and I's gift? A box of, wait for it, ANTACIDS!!!! ROFL!

I was actually the one who opened them. I just looked at them and thought. Okay? I kinda wanted to say "Thank God, I need these after being around this family for more than 5 minutes!" LOL (This family always does stuff like that MIL bought her daughter tampons as a gift one year. Tampons? Really? lol) Anywho, DH was REALLY hurt by this, but I just found it hilarious!

pam1

O.M.G that is funny!!!!!  Sometimes I can't keep my laughter in when I'm around them, but they all just take it like I'm laughing at their jokes or something.  Whatever.  I feel like a mad hatter, hah maybe they realize I'm losing it and think *I'm* funny!!!  I wouldn't know what to do if they gave me antacid, probably take some and offer it around.  That is so funny.  You must have missed the "Who Does That?" thread on here.  A lot of the posters had funny gift stories.

I've pestered DH to take pictures of me at their events b/c I know my face has got to look crazy sometimes opening a gift, I know I'm commonly stunned/shocked.  Wouldn't that be a great picture to put up here instead of my dog? 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

She is going to be herself no matter what...and that means being childish to the extreme no matter what the underlying cause. I think it's wonderful that you held up and didn't take the bait. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama