Long- DH hurt by DP, what to do?

[stilltrying2010]

ok I need some perspective here. This is the situation:

GSIL just traveled from up north to the South to visit FIL.  MIL went at same time to “other locations” in the South but planned to meet up with GSILs family at FILs for the GDs bday.  All’s well & good.

DH hasn’t spoken to his DM in literally a month.  She telephoned before she left to go on and on about their trip but DH was working and due to time difference, late hr, and their early departure, he didn’t call when he got home.  MIL said she’d be home the 28th. 

In the last 10 days, we do not hear from MIL or FIL at all, not that we expect to.  Of course it is unfair to mention that when either MIL or FIL visits here GSIL is talking to them constantly on their cell phones – past the point of annoying.  Anyway, FIL leaves a msg Sat at 5pm saying he was “thinking about DH and hoped to talk to him soon, love you miss you”.   Coincidentally, this is about the time GSIL would have just left to return to her home.  DH doesn’t get msg until Sun (it was on voice mail) so he calls back & talks for 2 mins (FIL was in the middle of a project) but FIL never called back.   DH decides to try his DM or would at least leave a msg for her.  MIL answers.  They have been home for several days because they were “tired of paying for hotels” He spoke to MIL for 2 mins then she had to go because “she was tired”

My DH becomes quiet, withdrawn a bit then just goes outside to scoop dog poop – which no one here does willingly 
Now to my questions:
Is all this none of my business?  If so do I just watch it repeat over and over again?

I know I cannot do anything to change my DHs relationship with is DP but as a parent, wouldn’t you want to know that your son is hurt BY you?  It seems (from his description & observation) that he & his needs are just overlooked or secondary to others.

My DH carries resentment toward both his DPs but they don’t seem to care or know.  Some of these hurts are from childhood YET ALSO continued on in the FOO/treatment of the gkids.  He seems programmed to accept this… does it mean I have to?

After all is said and done I will next have to host these people after having our 2nd child in just a couple months – at which time THEIR needs will be the priority (to see their grandchild).  Why?  What about the fractured relationship with their son? Non- relationship with their DIL and PT association with our 5 yr old DD?  Then they will be “FAAAAMily” telling everyone they are coming to visit “My son’s new baby”   Who cares that in that time they will have only spoken 3 times usually about the greatness of GSILs life/children.

Maybe I’m hormonal but it all seems so fake – don’t they care about the reality of the situation?  I KNOW GSIL was raised to think what She wanted/needs is most important (MIL in the past said “The squeaky wheel gets the grease” So apparently that means my DH thoughts feelings opinions were just disregarded always –maybe that’s why he hates GSIL so much.

Am I a jealous DIL?  Am I the one "creating" the probelms?  How do I stand by while my husband is hurt by these people?

I know this is all over the place and if you’ve actually read the whole thing and been able to follow along I appreciate it.
     

[overwhelmed123]

I understand your frustration, as I have definitely been in that situation before.  I would suggest that you talk to your husband first about it.  Before you tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels about it and if it would make him feel better to tell his parents how much they hurt him by doing X and Y.  Then I think you both need to be prepared that if he does want to tell them, they don't have to accept it.  Our relationship with my ILs hit rock bottom only after my DH explained to them how he was feeling and how he would not tolerate poor treatment anymore.  They refuse to admit that it was happening at all, and still do.  My DH feels like he is being "dismissed" and that they don't care enough about him and his feelings to address it or try to come to a compromise, so he isn't willing to budge.  But he has felt better about himself that he ever had in his life.  He used to have bad IBS and now it's coincidentally gone.  He used to have nightmares all the time and he doesn't have those nearly as often.  He feels better about himself because at least he got to say what he needed to say.  It's amazing how those feelings manifest when we keep them bottled in.  But it needs to be your husband's decision.  If it would help him personally, I say he has every right to address his needs as a person in a respectful way.  If they can't respect that, that's on them and at least he knows where he stands.

[L]

Hi, I am a little confused reading your post 'cause I don't know abbreviations, I don't post a lot on these kinds of boards (haven't had my coffee yet either that could be why!) but from what I could gather your mother and father in law are mean to your husband?  And you want to know if you should confront them about it, and you are anxious about their visit and how they will behave when they visit their new grandchild.  First, congratulations on your baby!  I think that your husband is lucky to have a wife who cares about his feelings.  I think the best you can do is just give your husband support and love which it seems you are already doing that.  I think it is HIS place not yours to confront his parents when he feels he is ready and maybe he could sit them down and tell them that sometimes he feels they really are insensitive.  I'm not sure if now would be the best time for that with your new baby and the visit from them coming up.  But maybe after they leave?  But definitely, if they are visiting in YOUR home and at any time they would say something mean or really insensitive to your husband or to YOU, you have the right to speak up and call them on it in as nice a way as possible of course..you wouldn't want a fight to start in front of your kids.  Just be yourself..you don't have to (pardon the expression) "kiss their butts" while they are at your house either....just be nice and pour on the sugar towards you husband in front of them saying how GREAT he is.  Maybe they will follow cue hopefully!  But if not, at least they will see YOU appreciate him.   Good luck and congrats again on your new baby!    It's hard with in-laws.  My husband's mother has passed on but she was not easy to get along with....one time she called me FAT right to my face as I had gained weight after my son's birth.  My husband just sat there and said nothing much to her which really hurt...he should have defended me.  She was a strange lady!  Well, hang in there!                     

[seasage]

L, your advice is good.   We cannot control the actions of our MIL/FIL, and it is unproductive to try to ascribe intentions to their actions. 

Our DHs need our sympathy, our understanding, our love and support.  That is all we should ever try to do.

Furthermore, who in her right mind would try to start a war between DH and his FOO? 

[overwhelmed123]

L, your advice is good.   We cannot control the actions of our MIL/FIL, and it is unproductive to try to ascribe intentions to their actions. 

Our DHs need our sympathy, our understanding, our love and support.  That is all we should ever try to do.

Furthermore, who in her right mind would try to start a war between DH and his FOO?

[holliberri]

My impression was that higgins just wanted to fix the problem for her DH to be happy. I don't think it was about starting a war. He seems to be the one in distress; I can understand why she would feel compelled to be protective of him.

[stilltrying2010]

overwhelmed - I know the decision needs to come from my husband.  he wants to respect his parents so the situation will continue.
I guess I just need to control my emotions - said said than done sometimes.

Seasage - I am not trying to start a war with my DHs FOO or btwn my DH and his FOO.  Its hard to watch and I sometimes have to wonder if they know what they have done and are continuing to do.  I know it is his unwillingness to talk to them honestly that keeps us in this situation.  By "in this situation" I mean that WE are just bystanders as parts of our lives are seemingly controlled by their decisions.  But it is interesting to me that it can be perceived it that way.

holliberri/overwhelmed123 - just wondering if you are both DILs on here?

Thanks you for taking the time to read/respond.
 

[overwhelmed123]

ST- Yes, I am a "DIL," but mostly just a logical woman. 

[pam1]

ST, I don't think you're wrong at all or hormonal.  You have valid feelings about the situation.  Unfortunately, I think you can only model behavior to your DH regarding it.  If they are not kind to you or DH or grandkids, respond as if you would to anyone being unkind to you.  You do not have to say anything to DH, you don't need discussions.  Natural consequences are all that is needed.

They are telling you how they wish to be treated.  Watch their actions and respond accordingly.  Let DH talk to you about his feelings and what he wants to do.

[holliberri]

St,

Sorry for getting your name wrong.  That was disrespectful of me.

Yep, I'm a DIL...at times a stereotypical one. 

[luise.volta]

I think DH, as an adult,  is responsible for dealing with or not dealing with his FOO. We can love others and even hurt for them...but the situation is theirs.

[stilltrying2010]

luise - very wise... I KNOW the situation is his in my head but living it seems not to be as easy.
pam1 wrote:

Unfortunately, I think you can only model behavior to your DH regarding it.

very true.

When I see MIL interact with GSILs children she is a wonderful grandma- they live nearby, she does A LOT of stuff for them, involved in their lives.  She is not to our DD.  We're just supposed to accept her role as "super gma" whenever she chooses to play it - usually major holidays/life events.  I wish my DH would ask her if she's in or out with us so we could get on with our life.

It would like me going to the wedding of an acquintance's and expecting to sit in the front row... at least that's how MILs presence feels to me.

Regardless, if I am looking for something to help me through these feeling, where would I look (as in what topic) or does anyone know a good book about people who constantly let you down but then expect to be center stage in your life (or something like that)

[luise.volta]

Yup, simple but not easy.

Look under our category "Other Resources" to see if there is something there that might be a good reference. Rose put up a book that sounds good. Sending love...

[stilltrying2010]

thanks 

[L]

I feel for you because when we marry someone we marry into their WHOLE family.  And it isn't always what we hoped we were getting into.  Like I mentioned to you before...I had the mother-in-law from HELL pretty much.  But now that she is gone I can see she did have a good side.  She just was an unhappy woman and had been through a lot in life...(not that that excuses her behavior..but sometimes if you can try to understand a person, it can help deal with them).
I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry about how she interacts with her other grandchildren and try not to compare.  I think you should just try not to let her get under your skin so much because you are giving her power actually by doing that.
You can't change a person and how they act but your husband should talk to them if it's upsetting you badly and upsetting him.
I would just let your children enjoy what love they can get from their grandparents...at least they have grandparents.  I never had the love of grandparents and never knew mine so I think it is wonderful if kids can get love and attention from grandparents.
You made the comment about wanting to know if she is in or out and getting on with your life and a comment about her wanting to be the center of your life when she's around.  Just do what makes YOU happy and don't worry so much about them.  Your husband, you and your kids are a family and they are the center of your life.  Focus on you and do what makes you happy.  Be nice to his folks but try to maybe lighten up a little about it.  Maybe just nudge your husband at gatherings when they aren't looking and say, "Here we go again".  Kind of maybe laugh about it if you can together and be a team...because it sounds corny but you and your husband are a team and don't let the other family members bring you down.  I know it's hard.  Take care of you.