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Long- DH hurt by DP, what to do?

Started by stilltrying2010, February 28, 2011, 06:13:33 am

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Mariatobe

I would talk to him about his feelings, you are certainly not starting a war.  Tell him what you see as his wife, then let it go.  I've had to do this with my husband, but at the end of the day, he is the one who has to handle it.  But sometimes its hard to watch when you know you're husband is being hurt. 

On a side note - I wondered what you meant by "hosting" his parents.  Are they staying there and for how long?  Their needs should NOT be the priority.  You are going to have two children to take care of, one is a newborn.  Either they come to help, or I would certainly make sure their visit is short, and would NOT wait on them, they are capable of taking care of themselves.

stilltrying2010

thanks for your kind words L.  I have moments when I seem to be cruising along & could care and then BAM! it feels like out of no where I am sucked right back in.  I really do think my MIL has suffered a lot of depression in her life and enjoys being the victim/matriarch of her family (and she's only 59!) 

I think you should just try not to let her get under your skin so much because you are giving her power actually by doing that.
Ah-ha moment.

I think it is wonderful if kids can get love and attention from grandparents
I agree.  Some of the problem are my expectations.  I am trying to control them - like I expect her to ask about our lives & our DD when she speaks to us not jsut report on GSILs family or gossip about others.  I don't expect MIL to do the same for all gk but truly feel SHE is ALWAYS making comparisons btwn the grandchildren.  I used to have fun with it and mention only our DD & other grandkids and MIL would then interject something about GSILs kids - everytime.  Like a compliment couldnt be paid to someone elses child without her indicating that GSILs kids were somehow equal or better... just funny and yet crazy too.   I am just wondering if these constant comparisions made by their gma are the type of "love & attention" I want my dd to be receiving, kwim?

Mariatobe - hosting is what we have always done when ILs decide to come.  I think DH sees it as his parents showing that they care about him & his family.  We live far away (2000 miles) and they dont like to fly so they never have an arrival date/departure date.  When DD was born they were here 3 wks.  I cant tell you of the amount of times they came (more to get out of the cold North East during the winter) for weeks on end - they dont want to do anything, complain and help do nothing, basically, I'm like a B&B. I could go on & on & on.   I could handle it for maybe 5 days but since they take longer than that to drive here & back, its not "worth it" to them.   My saving grace is that it will be getting hot & humid when the baby arrives and they do not like it... gotta have hope right? 
Ah well, tomorrow is another day.,  THanks all.

L

Sounds like you may need to have a talk with your husband as it sounds like maybe he needs to let them know that a three week visit is to long.  Compromise may be for a week instead.  Hey, it's not YOUR problem if they feel it's not worth the drive if they only stay a week.  Hey, my husband would never expect me to entertain his mother for 3 weeks new baby or not!  Now, when she had a stroke we did take her in for a few weeks until she could go home..that's different because she was ill and needed help.  I think three weeks is to long to have company family or not.  No wonder you feel stressed!

She sounds like she has issues and underneath it all she is a very insecure woman the way she goes on and on about the other grandkids.  Just smile at her next time like you are crazy and maybe she will get scared of you and stop doing it!  ahahaha.  Just a thought.  Hey, gotta try something, right?!  I am sending prayers your way for strength! :)  gotta run!

     

Mariatobe

Sounds like they're taking advantage of the fact you live in a warm climate.  3 weeks after having a baby is WAYYYY to long.  They don't have respect for you and treat you like you run a hotel.  You won't have time for that after a second baby, and unless a visit is date of arrival AND departure, its just downright ignorant and disrespectful of you and DH.  Especially you, because I bet he's at work all day while you are what?  Supposed to entertain his parents for that amount of time?  Put your foot down now...

pam1

Yes, 3 weeks is waaaaaay too long.  Wow, I can't believe all the people who do that.  Do they not work or have stuff to do at home? 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

Open your home for three days at the end of their three weeks...take it or leave it. It's your home, your baby, your sleep deprivation...etc. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama