March 28, 2024, 03:55:54 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Need help for this MIL

Started by Mama Tani, February 24, 2011, 05:33:23 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

holliberri

But...I think that is the most productive approach.

Tap dancing around is much harder than to to just be yourself, and essentially a waste of time simply b/c it takes longer and more effort.

I also believe that tap dancing is basically a contrived behavior; it's not genuine. If you're not genuine, all your doing is short changing yourself and your family, friends, boss, whomever might require the tap dancing. I can easily tell when someone is being fake with me, so I would think tap dancing would only make one appear to be fake. I'm not sure I'd like that much; I know my actions aren't genuine when tap dancing seems required of me. Yes, the wanted behavior is there, but not the well-meaning intent or the natural reactions that come when I can be myself.

Rose799

Though I despised it, I tip-toed for the sake of seeing the gc.  I have questioned whether it is worth the payoff, given that we've seen them once in the past 3 months.  I haven't figured out whether it's to their advantage that we be in their lives or shelter them from this.  I worry what may happen if dd no longer has a scapegoat.   

Dd is controlling & manipulative.  It's a no-win situation, and I don't want to cause problems between sil & dd.   Something changed around the beginning of the year.  I just stopped calling, e-mailing, inviting or asking to see the gc.  Dd knows how we feel.  If she wanted us to see them, she'd have found a way.  Instead, she hasn't been over in more than a year.  Given that she's a SAHM, I'd think she could manage, as she did back when I babysat while she worked.  I've reached the point that if dd wants a relationship, she needs to start doing her share of the heavy lifting.  I'll continue sending mail to the gc.  It's really all I can do now. 

Luise, did your ds prevent you from seeing gc? 

Rose799

Quote from: holliberri on February 27, 2011, 08:16:50 PM
Tap dancing around is much harder than to to just be yourself, and essentially a waste of time simply b/c it takes longer and more effort.

It's exhausting Holli.  I just haven't figured out a better alternative.  Is being yourself or saying how you feel worth losing limited visits with gc?   I don't know.   

lancaster lady

I really don't want to drag my story out again ....water under the bridge etc .
however I do know that during the conflict I was a mess ...didn't sleep ,eat ,function normally .
It couldn't go on .
Things came to a head when I was forbidden to see my GD until I made it up with DIL.!
What can you do ?
I sent an honest email to her stating all my grievances (as she put it ) . She also sent me one too .
So everything is out in the open .You can either deal with it ,or sulk forever and a day with no solution.
The upshot was ,we agreed to let each other know what ,if anything is bugging us . So no more silences ,like why did she say or do that .We talk about it . I put no pressure on her for visits etc .hoping she would want to come and see me .
Sure we had a cooling off period .Now we know where things stand and shall I say a mutual respect .
I do not offer any advice unless asked for it .I do not criticise any parenting whatsoever .She is the Mom ..full stop !!

Guess what ? I have been invited to visit and babysit !
They have visited me twice in a month ! Bearing in mind they live 20 miles away .

Maybe this won't work for everyone , different personalities ,situations etc .,but it will help you sleep at night
and gradually you will become the person you used to be ,and that can't be bad can it ??   lol

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: lancaster lady on February 28, 2011, 01:05:23 AM
head when I was forbidden to see my GD until I made it up with DIL.!
What can you do ?
I sent an honest email to her stating all my grievances (as she put it ) . She also sent me one too .
So everything is out in the open .You can either deal with it ,or sulk forever and a day with no solution.
The upshot was ,we agreed to let each other know what ,if anything is bugging us . So no more silences ,like why did she say or do that .We talk about it . I put no pressure on her for visits etc .hoping she would want to come and see me .
Sure we had a cooling off period .Now we know where things stand and shall I say a mutual respect .

I would love for something like this with my MIL. I "sense" that she hates me, but I don't know why. I need to be told what I did to make her feel this way (other than stealing her baby of course lol  ;)) She has been informed of my "grievances" with her, but there still has been no resolution.  :(

overwhelmed123

Quote from: lancaster lady on February 28, 2011, 01:05:23 AM
I really don't want to drag my story out again ....water under the bridge etc .
however I do know that during the conflict I was a mess ...didn't sleep ,eat ,function normally .
It couldn't go on .
Things came to a head when I was forbidden to see my GD until I made it up with DIL.!
What can you do ?
I sent an honest email to her stating all my grievances (as she put it ) . She also sent me one too .
So everything is out in the open .You can either deal with it ,or sulk forever and a day with no solution.
The upshot was ,we agreed to let each other know what ,if anything is bugging us . So no more silences ,like why did she say or do that .We talk about it . I put no pressure on her for visits etc .hoping she would want to come and see me .
Sure we had a cooling off period .Now we know where things stand and shall I say a mutual respect .
I do not offer any advice unless asked for it .I do not criticise any parenting whatsoever .She is the Mom ..full stop !!

Guess what ? I have been invited to visit and babysit !
They have visited me twice in a month ! Bearing in mind they live 20 miles away .

Maybe this won't work for everyone , different personalities ,situations etc .,but it will help you sleep at night
and gradually you will become the person you used to be ,and that can't be bad can it ??   lol

LL, what did you say to her when she gave you all her grievances and vice versa?  Did you guys say "sorry I did that," or "I can see where you're coming from,"  or just nothing?  Just curious!

jill

Hi Lancaster Lady,
That is really good news that you and your DIL were able to air your grievances in a mature manner. Do you feel now that your relationship is on an equal footing?  I ask because my dd and I had a similar talk before Christmas, however, it was really all about her, she did not give too much attention to what I had to say.  I think I had for some time been letting her know that I was not getting the kind of relationship I wanted from my children, and this made me realize that I never will.    Rose, your daughter sounds like mine, I am still having to walk on eggshells, my dd never calls, I will probably see them 3-4 times a year, on gc birthdays, but the  alternative would be never to see them at all, and  I don't want my gc to think I abandoned them. 

overwhelmed123

JaneF- I think sometimes you are right, it is about control.  But I think in some cases, it is about respect for the parents of the child and their wishes.  Or- if you do get the crib without talking to them first, don't try to hold it over their heads and remind them "well I do have this crib here."  That's not really their concern because they didn't ask you to get it.  I just know for me, I know I'm not respected and I know my feelings and wishes are not respected by any of my ILs.  So it would go a long way with me (if we were on speaking terms) for them to ask, "Hey, how would you feel about this?"  That they were actually acknowledging that I was the parent first before they were the grandparent- because in so many other situations, they've completely steamrolled that concept, and the worst part is that I'm not even pregnant or expecting!!  It's not about control on my end, it would just go a long way to know that they are interested in being on the same page as the parent.  I know myself, I know my anxiety problems, and I know that I will really have no interest in letting my child spend the night at anyone else's house.  That's my hangup, and I fully admit to that.  But it's not about control.  I hope I explained myself okay. 

I do agree that sometimes it is.  But not always.

pam1

ITA OW.  I think it goes a long way for anyone to just ask.  Everyone is going to think about things differently, no harm in getting on the same page.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

I think it is in perceptions and how the entire relationship has been.

1.  If my DIL was expecting and I bought her a case of newborn diapers (the kind she mentioned she wanted) and took one pack out and left it at my house (because she had let me know I would be able to have the baby some) and told her that I left one pack at my house so she wouldn't have to tote diapers back and forth, she should not be offended.  If she is, then she is the one with a problem.

2.  If my DIL was expecting and I bought her a case of newborn diapers (the kind I thought were best even if she hated them) and took one pack out and left it at my house (because I am assuming I will get to have the baby some) and gave her the rest saying "In case you forget to pack diapers, I kept some", she should be offended.  That is all on me about treating her with disrespect.

So seriously, we have to be honest.  Is it really about a crib or a pack of diapers?  Or is it about how the entire relationship has gone and our feelings about this person?  If it's situation #2, then you are totally right in your feelings about disrespect.  But if it's situation #1, then it's a control issue.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

overwhelmed123

Agreed, Pooh.  I have consistently been steamrolled as has my DH whenever we have our own feelings, so to me it would show so much for them to actually consider our feelings as the parents.  I think the reason I'm stuck on that is because the OP made sure to mention, "I even bought a crib and it hasn't been used."  I mean, why is that her DIL's fault or problem?  I just don't see the relevance.  If she didn't talk with her before buying the crib for her own house, she really has no right to be upset that the crib hasn't been used.  I think that was my rub.  Mostly because I was wondering if that has been brought up to the DIL.  "But I even bought a crib for baby!"  That would bother me in so many ways.

Pooh

I think that is the difference OW.  Is it sincere or just another "look what I did and you don't appreciate it", which in this case is what happened.  It would bother me too in that scenario.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady


I would love for something like this with my MIL. I "sense" that she hates me, but I don't know why. I need to be told what I did to make her feel this way (other than stealing her baby of course lol  ) She has been informed of my "grievances" with her, but there still has been no resolution. 
Anon :
Do you think she knows you feel this way ? I would feel awful if my DIL thought this despite our differences . You should ask her ..it's a shame if you want things to work .Tell her you would like to work things out .It's great if you can do this being thoughtful of each others feelings .I don't mean eggshells here ,just no abuse or insults ..lol

OW:
i think we were both unaware of how each other felt about everything .
Also the effect some things had on each other .
We apologised and agreed to let each other know if either one upset the other .
with a mutual agreement like this it's hard to take offence when told .

Jill;
We now have a mutual respect I hope for each other but equal footing ?
She is the mom and as far as GD is concerned she is top dog .
I am the GP ,shall we say I now am being treated with more consideration ,thankfully.
I hope your DD has taken some of your talk to heart and a reconciliation comes soon ..x


Just for the record ,I never bought a crib for my house as I never envisaged them staying over .
However my DIL FOO has a nursery full of equipment as they stay over often .
Maybe one day it'll be my turn ,but it's their call .

There are some things I've learnt through all this .
The DIL is the MOM ....and her word goes regarding the GC .
Your DS will  love you more if you and his DW/Partner get on together .

what I would say is we don't have a crystal ball to see what the other person feels .
So communication is the key ...really hard to face your demons but what is the alternative?
Getting it all out in the open worked for me ,I couldn't let it go on any longer .

I feel a bit like a preacher here ,I don't mean to be .
I'm so grateful we worked things out ,and hope you guys can to .
as Luise says ''Sending Love ''

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: lancaster lady on February 28, 2011, 10:48:12 AM

Do you think she knows you feel this way ? I would feel awful if my DIL thought this despite our differences . You should ask her ..it's a shame if you want things to work .Tell her you would like to work things out .It's great if you can do this being thoughtful of each others feelings .I don't mean eggshells here ,just no abuse or insults ..lol


DH has told her before that I feel this way, but it is always the "that's not true" from her, but her attitude towards me never changes. I guess I'm a little afraid to sit down and chat with her about it because well, she kinda scares the crap outta me! lol She is very formidable and thinks she is always right.

She does know what she has done to make me dislike her (I foolishly wrote her a letter thinking that could help... Didn't!) and she just denied doing any of the things that she did and called me a liar. I really don't know where to go from here because I don't like confrontation and things are "okay" right now (but that just because I bottle up the resentment when I am around her which I know isn't healthy and won't solve things).

I have also learned (even though I hate it lol) that it is "cowardly" to "cut someone off." Ugh! It would be so much "easier" lol

luise.volta

It may be cowardly to cut someone off at times but not always. Sometimes survival is involved. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama