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I am so jaded...

Started by overwhelmed123, February 24, 2011, 12:58:59 PM

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LaurieS

Having a bad night Mariatobe?

LaurieS

I don't think many here really want this site to be compare in any way to dilsociety. Furthermore I strongly disagree that everyone here jumps onto the bandwagon of mil's with total blind faith and if this is what you are seeing, then you are simply not reading enough postings. 

Gab fest .. maybe so, but it's how we keep the subject tolerable, because it's really hard when you are watching your children either make mistakes in life, or close you out of their lives. This is where we mother-in-laws have one up on those who are only daughters, or daughter-in-law... we are talking about our children.  There is a level of love and concern that until you have an adult child, it's hard for you to fully understand how it feels.  The dils on this site that have earned great respect are those that are willing to try and understand... and hopefully through this understanding their own relationships can benefit.

If you are getting more out of the 'other' site, by all means hang out there, because trying to blend the two sites is not a suitable concoction that many here are willing to participate in.  It's one thing to have your own view of a subject, it's quite another to try and force feed us the dilsociety's views and approach, because frankly those women are the extremist that I for one will try to avoid at all cost.  So please, state your views based on your beliefs, don't feel the need to validate anything by using a hate based site as support.

I do feel the need to reiterate my signature:  As always I'd like to state that  is solely my opinion, I recognize that you have the right to your own

Pen

Quote from: Mariatobe on February 24, 2011, 08:59:39 PM
I'm almost certain I know what site you are referring to...as there was recently a "fight" on there.  But let me say this...I just read a post on here that stated something like..."my dil is so disrespectful, now she's getting the whole family involved."  When pressed for details, there are none, more like, "just take my word for it."  Sorry, but no.  I'm can guarantee my mil thinks I'm disrespectful because I don't behave the way she wants me to.  Why?  Because I don't take her snide remarks and cut downs anymore.  Therefore, I must be disrespecting her. The other ladies on here said something like..."we feel your pain, we'll just take your word for it."  Really?  At least on the "other" site, they go into details about problems, and other ladies offer genuine solutions.  On here, every single post I've read turns into a gab fest about something entirely different. 
If you want to defend all mil's, that's fine.  But I can't and won't do that until some facts emerge, and not."just take my word for it." Some ladies do recommend cut offs.  Some offer solutions to try to work it out.  But I'll be damned if I jump to the defense of every MIL on here, because some times, I can see my MIL in some of these posters as well...   It's my opinion so if anyone wants to dump on me, then so be it, but I see what's in front of me...

Hi, Mariatobe. I understand what you're saying, and I admit to being guilty of vagueness regarding some of my DIL issues. The reason is if my DIL/DS ever discovered me here it would be over. I'm just not willing to take the risk of losing my son to prove a point. The DILs on the other site who are specific about their situations have either already cut off their ILs or don't care what the ILs reaction might be, apparently. Losing a son is much different than losing someone you don't care about anyway.

Regarding defending all MILs, there is a difference between support and defense...what we do mostly is support, IMHO. I have no problem supporting anyone, DIL or MIL, who is in pain and looking for a way to progress past the hurt or the unfortunate circumstances that put her there. I can do that without defending behavior I may not think is productive.

I really appreciate the kinder tone here, but it isn't for everyone and that's OK too. Take what you need :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

tryingmybest

Maritrobe, if your post was aimed at me, let me try to explain. I wasn't asking for anyone to solve my problem, because my problem was my frustration over the actions of an inmature girl. Period. The details were not given because the situation is so specific that it would identify me instantly if my DIL happened upon this site. The difference with this site is no one here bashes DIL's as a group, or MIL's as a group either. As mature women I think we all get the fact the only things under our control are our own actions and the way we view other people. I don't think anyone on this site should have to feel as though they must defend their FEELINGS as long as they are expressed appropriately and aren't spewed with hate. We are all at a challenging time of life. The support of other women who have walked the road is invaluable. I have seen the other site and some of the comments are chilling.

Pooh

Quote from: Mariatobe on February 24, 2011, 08:59:39 PM
Therefore, I must be disrespecting her. The other ladies on here said something like..."we feel your pain, we'll just take your word for it."  Really?

Ummm....yes?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

I must say that I completely understand where Maria is coming from. Some (not all, but SOME) of the posts on here do lack any details whatsoever. And it really does seem that we are just supposed to stand at attention and agree with the poster that her DIL or MIL is well, you know.... lol

You all call that being supportive. Well, I can't be supportive of something unless I know what is going on. When you only hear one side of the story without any details it comes across more like this

"I hate her. She's evil."
"Why?"
"Because she is. You should hate her too!"

Ok, not quite like that, but a detail would be nice. Sometimes those details are "She pulled my hair." "Why?" "Because I called her a name." See, details are nice. Sometimes, not always, DILs OR MILs actually have a good reason to dislike their MIL/DIL, but a lot of times, they don't.

A few details won't blow your cover. As far as the dilsociety is concerned. I have posted specifics on that site in the past. I have NOT cut off my IL's. I do NOT want to cut them off. But without details about my situation, the ladies can't give me advice on what to do. I don't post details because I don't care what the IL's think. It is because I am trying to understand them better to move forward in our relationship.

Sometimes, not always, MIL's loathe ANYONE that their son marries no matter what for no reason except that she took their son away. Well, ladies, that is EXACTLY what she is supposed to do. You haven't been replaced because the lover/wife position was never yours. Try to think how you would feel if someone were interfering in YOUR marraige in the way some MIL's interfere in their Son's marraiges.

I know my MIL hates me and well, I don't really like her too much either, and it is because she treats my husband and Me like children and interferes in our marraige. Constantly telling me that DH isn't honest with me and manipulating us to get her way.

But I digress, there have been some "issues" on the DIL site. You are right, you don't want that here. Mutual respect is important-- both here and with your real life relationships with IL's.

Pooh

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:00:58 AM
Sometimes, not always, MIL's loathe ANYONE that their son marries no matter what for no reason except that she took their son away. Well, ladies, that is EXACTLY what she is supposed to do.

I agree with you that some Mother's are not going to like anyone that their DS marries.  I know some of them personally, and it irks me.  But I can't agree with you on the second line.  That is not how it is supposed to be.  When you marry someone, you should not have the mentality that you are taking them away from anyone.  That is the problem with some of our problem DILs.  The mentality should be that you are marrying a partner, an equal.  You do not now own them, as no one should own another person.  You are marrying them to share your life with them.  And sharing their life means, their entire life.  That includes their family, their kids (if they have them), their friends, their hopes, their dreams....etc.  You come with a life, and they come with a life, that you are saying you want to be part of.  You should be each others priority now, but not their only priority.

I am my DH's #1 priority, and he is mine.  His Mother is a priority of his as well.  As is going to work, paying bills, his daughter, his religions, etc.  I know I am his #1 but I also know he has other priorities.  When I married him, I didn't expect him to drop everything else about his life.  I didn't TAKE him away from anything.  And he didn't TAKE me away from anything.  And THAT is how it is supposed to be.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Why read it if it bothers you?

If it hurts when you do this, stop doing this.

Really, other people are going to be how they want.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

overwhelmed123

Honestly, I'm shocked that anyone felt so strongly about how great dilsociety is that they felt the need to defend them or insinuate that I am "defending all MILs."  Maria, clearly I said nothing like that.  There are those of us that have REAL problems with other family members.  There are some of us who really have suffered mental or verbal abuse, or our DHs have suffered because of their need to control and manipulate.  There are some of us who really do have to deal with toxic people.  But that site has turned into "let's butch because my MIL accidentally dropped a plate in my house and I hate her!"  "Let's all pick out little things about our MILs and blow them out of proportion and blindly support each other for doing that!"  I could go back and forth with you all day about MIL/DIL, but that really is not productive because I don't really care about the title.  But what you're saying happens on here (details are vague, or people don't give all the information) has also happened plenty of times on the other site, so there's really no difference there.  Furthermore, on dilsociety, if you are to ask for more information and give advice that ISN'T "maybe you could try these other things before never speaking to her again," you are criticized like you're a mean person or told, "no, you don't know the situation and don't know what you're talking about."   I have given some MILs advice on here that hasn't been "oh I think you're completely in the right and I'm just here to coddle you."  I have told them if I think they're making a bad decision regarding their family member, or if I think they are being unfair or judgmental where they don't know all the facts.  I can't think of one time they've actually tried to argue with me because of the perspective that I gave.  There is just a maturity level here and a level of common decency that the other site seems to lack these days.  I see all these catty controlling women on the other site and I'm not surprised they have problems with their MILs (especially if their MIL is a catty, controlling person as well).  I find it actually very surprising that anyone would come into this thread just to tell me I'm wrong and squabble about who does what more often, as if it's some sort of competition.  If that's what you want to do, obviously you know the site that suits you best.  But I think anyone who can't admit that site is judgmental, immature, just plain hateful, and non-flexible as a whole doesn't really have a leg to stand on.   As Laurie said, that is purely my opinion.  You have your right to yours, but I don't see the point in coming here just to argue with me about mine.

Pooh

I am so glad OW is my adopted DIL!!!!!!!!!!!  Woot Woot!!!!!!!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

AnonymousDIL

Pooh, I agree with you completely on the DH #1 priority thing and his mother/family still being a part of his life. My word choice of "away" once again was a poor one. What I meant was that sometimes MIL's feel that the DIL Shouldn't be DS's #1 because she was and should continue to be the #1 woman in his life. You see it a LOT in enmeshed mother/son relationships. That type of relationship is actually what I was refering to. Sorry for my poor word choice.  ;)

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 25, 2011, 06:34:01 AM
But I think anyone who can't admit that site is judgmental, immature, just plain hateful, and non-flexible as a whole doesn't really have a leg to stand on.   

That is very true of a LOT of the DIL's on that site, but not all. There are a few good ones there, but the "evilness" of the ones you describe is ripping the whole place apart.

Pooh

Well thank you for explaining what you meant.  I was like...Whoa!  Lol.  I am in total agreement with you that there are some horrible MILs out there that do just that, and they are wrong.

I just find this thread very interesting, as it doesn't matter that I gave every little detail about my situation or not.  I could be making every bit of it up, and everyone would simply be commenting and supporting me based on my lies.  We take everyone here at face value, by what they write.  Tryingmybest answered her reasons for not going into details.  It's her decision to make, not mine...not anyone else's.  If I didn't want to support her because of her decision, then that is my prerogative.  But it doesn't mean I have to think she is hiding something or doesn't deserve support.  I found her answer to the question as honest and understandable.  Just because I don't care if my DIL finds my stuff, doesn't mean she doesn't.

Just like in ADIL's case, I choose to believe her and support her that she has a terrible MIL, and that she has tried to have a relationship.  Just like I support Holli, OW and many other DILs here on their problems with their MILs.  It's not about if I support an MIL or a DIL.  I happen to support people here, not their title. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

overwhelmed123

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 25, 2011, 06:41:47 AM

That is very true of a LOT of the DIL's on that site, but not all. There are a few good ones there, but the "evilness" of the ones you describe is ripping the whole place apart.

That is why I said "as a whole."  Maybe we are talking about 2 different things.  I think making jokes about my MIL dying or talking about how much I "hate" her is awful.  I think it's very immature and I think people gathering to fuel their hatred for someone instead of looking for SOLUTIONS (sometimes solutions that aren't CUT HER OFF), or honest advice is not productive or healthy.  It's just blind hatred. 

overwhelmed123

Quote from: Pooh on February 25, 2011, 06:36:55 AM
I am so glad OW is my adopted DIL!!!!!!!!!!!  Woot Woot!!!!!!!

Hehehe, thanks Pooh!!!  ;D