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How does your Husband react to your devastation?

Started by 2chickiebaby, November 02, 2009, 05:06:17 am

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I need to know from all of you who are married how your husband reacts to your devastation about the loss of your son from a hateful DIL? 

Just wondering what is normal?


What is normal? I surely don't know...this is all so crazy that it brings out the strangest reactions in people. In our situation, my husband and I both were a little wary of FDIL because of her situation and the speed in which DS and she went from dating to marriage (no, not a pregnancy, thank God!) I can't say too much, but the result is that we felt duped and uneasy. We did voice our concern regarding DS's schooling (that we were paying for) since we didn't want the marriage to cause disruption in his plans to get a degree and go on to grad school.

DH and I tried very hard, under the circumstances, to accept FDIL and her family. We knew we couldn't match them financially, but never dreamed we'd be put down, insulted, and ultimately shunned by DIL. My DH is slowly getting the picture of what this means for the future - loss of a close relationship with DS, loss of contact with future grandkids, loss of relationship between darling disabled daughter (DDD?) and her brother, etc. DH is very methodical, lives in the moment, and doesn't react immediately. He says we need to hope for the best, keep the doors open and stay positive.

He didn't see or hear the put downs and comments made to me by DIL, and if he doesn't witness it first hand, he doesn't pass judgement (frustrating on a jury!) I know he misses his son and mistrusts our DIL right now. But, there have been times when I feel like I can't talk to him because it upsets him when I'm upset and he doesn't have a way to fix it. He feels that I'm worrying too much into about what might happen in the future and not paying enough attention to our marriage and our mental and physical health, i.e. wallowing, crying, complaining instead of moving on. So, that's good because it helps me stay on track (well, most of the time...) I am so grateful for this site!!!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


My husband has shut down to me in many ways.  He is devastated too but doesn't want to discuss it.  He wants me to get over it and not talk about it (not talking about it to him means it's not happening)  I feel so alienated from him now.  I need him now more than ever. 

I feel totally alone.  All the friends I know cannot relate to this.  Everything in their family life is just wonderful!  How can I be the only one going through this out of all the people I know?

This is what makes me so crazy, well, one of the reasons. 


Thanks so much, Anna and Penstamen for helping me not feel so alone with the husband thing.  I know that God made men but really, why?  (I'm kidding, kinda)

They don't think like we do, have to fix everything instead of dealing with it, need to have you HAPPY all the time so they can feel like they are a husband.   For Heaven sake!  This is crazy. 

My husband is the same as both of yours.  I feel better now.... ;D


I guess the same could go for our sons as well - since they're men, too, ya know :) Since they can't fix it, they probably ignore it. They're probably frustrated with their wives, too, and just want to keep peace in the home. Our husbands don't want to see us hurt, but they understand the son's perspective also. Darn it, I wanted my DH to rant and rave with me a little to validate my pain and indignation, but it's not going to happen.

So true about our DHs feeling left out and forgotten...we really need to keep ourselves healthy so we can keep the home fires burning for them. They already feel impotent about the situation, and men don't do well with the impotence thing. I, too, don't want to ruin my relationship with my DH over this. My DH actually said to me yesterday, "You are enough for me. I was hoping I would be enough for you." He enjoys the time we have together now that the kids are living elsewhere. He takes it as rejection if I'm hyper-focused on DS and DIL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


You are probably right about the sons.  They have to keep the little lady okay.  Let's not have the little lady upset now.  Poor widda thang! 

I know you're right about the husbands too.  Gosh!  I can't remember all the planets but I think they are from one of them....not Mars, someplace else, far, far away where they make these people.

Those Scientologists think that humans came from Beings millions of years ago that inhabited volcano's and we're the spirits of them. Holy Moly! (I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings but that's quite a stretch to me)  I guess that's where men are from then.  They came from the spirits in the volcano's.

I'm just kidding (kind of) 


Wow, this is interesting !! OMG! our situations are so different but so alike at the same time !
My husband, in the beginning, used to tell me " Maybe you are reading too much into it, or maybe ( DIL ) didn't mean it that way".  and then he would say " I'm sure she didn't. He simply didn't want to hear it ! and I had no one to talk to ( and was losing my mind ) I even started to think that I was just dreaming all this up until.....
DIL offended him ! he told her off and then brought up all the ways she had disrespected me ! That was, of course, in defense of himself. Now, he can't stand her. I did, later, say to him " oh, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by that". LOL

It took her insulting him personally for him to be on my team.


okay, now we're getting somewhere.....same man, married to you too.  Mine has said the same things!  He has never told her off but so that I can retain this faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily.  It's a pretend family but it's all I've got. 

The DILs on the MIL hate sites call our get togethers, CrapTaculars.  Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily Craptaculars. Doesn't that just break your heart?  Anyway,
I know he wanted a close family, they were all he had too but it didn't happen.  This is the way they are in the Village in the Volcano's where his people came from. I guess it's more normal to him.

Why do other people (all the ones I know) have wonderful families and we don't? 


 Oh, they are from a volcano far far away !! I know I wouldn't want to visit it !! My DIL has been there though.... she must be Mayor.

I have too started to focus on my hubby... I was way too close to our children and he was neglected because of that. That could have been his problem, maybe he was jealous; I never thought about that one. After all , my Son sure put his wife first ( even in the wrong things ).


I am dying laughing over here!!!  She's the Mayor??  HAHAHAHA!!!!  Mine if the dang Governor.  Heck, she's the Senator from the Volcano!!



We should mention that Volcanos have all that hot fire and ash.. Don't that remind you of hell???


That is so very true. When this happened to our family, I was ashamed to tell anyone because I felt it was a reflection of my parenting. When I finally opened up to my sister she proceeds to tell me that she has never even seen her one yr. old grandchild. She also said that her adult children would probably have to sneak into the bathroom to put artificial tears in their eyes at the event of her death because they seem to care so little about her now...LOL ;D


Oh, Anna!!!  Someone else!!! Hooray!!  We're not alone....I wish I could hear a story like that from people I know.. They're all just wonderful, perfect, lovely.  They must have a secret pact to never reveal one flaw to others.

Yes, is there anything higher than the President?  Maybe she's the owner of the Volcano or something.