March 29, 2024, 01:45:19 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Estranged son

Started by wcrbkw, February 18, 2011, 02:00:24 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

overwhelmed123

Thank you for sharing more of your story and clarifying.  It sounds like you are very self-aware, especially in this situation.  Just remember to try not to think about the "shoulds."  He "should" be more compassionate or he "should" stop being angry because he's in his 30's.  The great thing about people is that not one is completely alike.  We all have different personalities and different ways of dealing with things.  Just as you say- you are a controlling person, it is in your nature and hard to leave at the door, he has traits like these as well and it's not up to us to say he is deficient in something.  That's like him saying "well even though you have a controlling nature, you should be able to leave it at the front door of your home no matter what."  That won't get us anywhere.  The only thing we can do is focus on working on ourselves so that we can say, "You know what, I'm proud of who I am."  You can't worry about other people or your expectations of them.

I do want to say, again very respectfully because you sound like a wonderful woman with a good head on your shoulders, I do think it's unfair to say he doesn't have compassion towards you, or that he needs to have more.  You aren't him and you don't go through the emotions of having a "mentally ill" mother.  It could be that he has so much compassion towards it that he finds a need to "turn it off" because he doesn't know how to cope with the feelings.  His age doesn't matter.  He could be 50 years old and still have a problem expressing his emotions.  It is hard for a lot of people, women included.  You and I don't know how many emotions or feelings he went through before your attempt ever even happened.  Just remember you don't know what he's feeling- try not to judge him with expectations of how he should be.  I know my MIL would tell people until she's blue in the face that her son lacks compassion towards her, but it's simply not true.  She has no idea the times he bit his tongue and did what she wanted because he had compassion.  She has no idea how many times she hurt him that he swept it under the rug and just kept going because he didn't want to seem non-compassionate.  We all have our "breaking" points, and unfortunately, some people have a lower tolerance than others.  That doesn't make them wrong, it's just different from me or you.  I just think it's important that you focus on what you can control- YOU- and not pointing fingers at him for being "compassionate enough" to what you think would be "right."  I hope you took this with warmness, because that is how I meant it the whole time I was writing it.

L

Hope you are doing better now.  It can cut like a knife when our kids are mean to us after all the sacrifice we make for them.  But I guess sometimes we have to let them go in a way....meaning as much as it hurts maybe you and your son need some space from each other for a while.  Maybe he needs to find another babysitter for a while.  You are so sweet to help with the kids and he should appreciate it but maybe you need a rest.  A good vacation.  Sorry about your depression and I don't judge because I have been in a bad depression too lately and it's not easy to just pull out of it.  And I never would take my life because I would never do that to my  son who has a disability and needs me and I LOVE him so much too.  My daughter is the reason I'm on this board.  But, I have had thoughts about it since losing both my parents recently and my daughter hurting me so much I am heartbroken (and other problems I have personal) but I would never destroy my son by doing something that selfish.  And remember even though life is hard, suicide is never a good solution and destroys families and it is a very SELFISH thing to do.  Please remember that in your dark moments...like my mother said (her first husband committed suicide) she said, "Life goes by very quickly anyway, so you might as well stick it out because it's over before you know it anyway!  And that is true...life goes by quickly so we have to try to enjoy it while we are here even though it is a struggle for sure at times!  Take care of you.

wcrbkw

Thank you, L.....
I agree that I need a break.  I miss my little grandsons more than I am able to express.  This is, indeed, a heartbreaking time for me and I feel unrelentless sadness.  I never thought that I would be capable of suicide.  And yet, I found myself in a dangerous mindset that was all consuming.  Suicide IS selfish.  It is the ultimate abandonment.  Oddly enough, fear of abandonment is the emotion I have struggled with my entire life. 

Our daughter invited us up to her home in the mountains.  We spent a couple of days with her children, two grandsons that we also adore.  She is also in pain because of what I did in November but we were able to speak from our hearts with one another and lovingly embrace one another.  I am distraught about the damage I have done to the lives of my loved ones and I feel hopeless in being able to help them through this.  My intractable depression leaves me feeling so desperate.

Tara

wcrbkw

I'm so sorry for the suffering you have been going through.  In the past I have suffered from depression and have now been in remission for some time.  The first time I got depressed was when my 1st husband (who I was divorcing) died when I was 22,
then we my son and I were no longer together.  In those days I didn't know enough to find the best care possible as I do now.
that was a question I had if you feel you have excellent care?  I hope so.

I hope that you can be kind and forgiving to yourself as you didn't ask for this disease.  Its definitely genetic although can be triggered by stress.  It tends to run in our family too.  You really have to put yourself first. 

When I recently received a poison pen letter from  my Dil, I felt like I was struck by  a lightening bolt (seriously)  I got alot of TLC from
dh (and still do)  started meditating more intensively each morning and exercising religiously also consult with my nurse practitioner and acupuncturist.  Its been a month now and I am much better. 

Please take good care of you.  Make yourself and getting stabilized the most important thing.  When I started having the meltdown mentioned above, I felt there was no 'value' in being unwell and did everything I could think of to feel better. 

Also, I agree that stepping back esp from your son is a good thing.  Take a break.  keep connected here!!!

Wishing you well.

Love and blessings,  Tara

Pen

Depression is a terrible disease. I've had it too, so I understand what you're going through, Wcrbkw. I used antidepressants and talk therapy for awhile and was eventually able to wean off. Women of a certain age go through all those hormonal changes that can totally whack us out. When I finally got all that under control I didn't need the antidepressants/therapy. Now I manage (some days  better than others) with diet, exercise, & being aware of what I need. Like Tara I am lucky to have access to acupuncture and natural practitioners, but if you don't there are many other things you can do.

The first thing is to get some help! Do you have access to a good, kind doctor or a support group? Are you able to exercise? I'm worried about you, Wcrbkw. Please take care. We are all pulling for you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Tara

Pen,

agree with all you say and glad you said support group.  Support group can make all the difference.
there is a national group  I'm thinking of and will look up and post.

Here it is, they even have support groups in my small town of 20,000.  Two friends of mine are / or have been very active and find it tremendously helpful.  One lives local here and one in the bay area. 

http://www.nami.org/

L

Well, since you stated that your daughter is loving towards you, I would just focus on her and don't worry about the son for now is my advice.  He is a grown man and he needs to live his own life.  We have to let go sometimes you know.  I don't mean this in a mean way but maybe he feels you are unstable with the suicide attempt and wants to protect his kids.  I know you want to see your grandkids from your son but you can still send them presents in the mail and cards.  Maybe when you step back a bit he will be more receptive.   You may just not be able to ever be close like you want with him.   My mom and I were extremely close and never ever fought,  but my father and I were not as close..we never fought a lot except a couple of times... but just never really talked much ever or connected.  That happens in families you know.  And with your mental depression he may be scared of the effect on his kids too. I hope you are able to move forward and let the past be the past and try to be positive for your grandchildren's sake.   I know it's tough....I never thought I would be so depressed like I am...part of it in my case is age with the peri-menopause that makes the moods horrible and thoughts irrational at times! and the other big part with me being down is both my parents died within the last two years and I was close to them.  But I know in your case you have very severe depression obviously so that's a different thing and I hope you can get a good therapist if you don't already have one.  Take care of yourself.  Sending prayers your way!  :) 

Faithlooksup

 :)
Hello and Welcome...I also am sorry for what you are going thru and I do hope that we may be able to help you along with advise, opinions and suggestions...

Our children no matter how old they are do indeed feel any type or pain or problems which we their Moms or Dads go thru...I remember some time ago when I was going thru an ordeal and only to find my YS getting angry with me.  I looked at him and asked: "What are you getting so angry about?"  and he replied:  "Well guess what Mom its happening to me to for I can't do anything to help." and I understood.  The same thing goes for our parents as well...If something happens to them dont we get upset or angered for it is out of our control to help....Its simply human Nature mixed with Love.....Perhaps your son is just filled with fear and anger for he just does not know what he can do to help you for it does become frustrating when we cannot help someone we Love......so we simply disengage and turn away in order to function.

My X is also bipolar so I do understand where you are, however I have to ask--could it be possible that perhaps you son is also bipolar (undiagnosed?)   I know I worry about my two sons with that.

Please do take care of yourself now--you come first and formost now.....and perhaps, in the months to come when you are feeling a better change in yourself~~others will welcome that as well....

Take care of U and sending many HUgs agross the miles for better days to come...Faith

luise.volta

Welcome: I feel you have received some good support here. We have no training or resources to help anyone in crisis. Any illness that threatens your life, needs professionals in your corner 24/7. Beyond that, most of us have found that it is often too much to carry on your shoulders to try to figure out why others are doing what they do and how to relate to that. Focus in on your survival. That's where you need to put your efforts. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lancaster lady

Hi,
I agree with Faith .
even though your son is an adult ,if you remember when they were small ,when children are afraid or don't understand something ,they often hit out and become angry to cover their insecurities .
I also think he may be scared that he is unable to help you and also worried what will happen in the future .
You must concentrate on healing and restoring your own health .
Look ahead and don't dwell on the past .
Sending healing thoughts ....