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Estranged son

Started by wcrbkw, February 18, 2011, 02:00:24 AM

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wcrbkw

I have a complicated relationship with our son.  He perceives me to be , manipulative, controlling, and full of drama.  I have soul searched and believe that sometimes he is right.  I have suffered from bipolar depression for about 30 years and have been diligent in searching for ways in which to make my illness better, i.e. therapy, medication, etc.  I had a successful career for 38 years and raised my children ( a son and a daughter) with a very loving husband.  My depression became much worse this year and I had suicidal thoughts for approximately 3 months.  My son has become very domineering with me and we have argued as a result of his meddling in our finances and criticism of our personal decisions.  In the meantime, we have helped him and his wife with money, furniture, clothing for their children, etc.  I have been asked to babysit often and have always driven the 1 hour drive to their home.  They never wish to visit in our home.  Instead, they visit my DIL's parents about 15 miles away from us when they come to our area.  They have rarely babysat for our grandchildren and I am not complaining because I love my two little grandsons so very much and would do anything for them.  Our relationship completely broke down about 3 months ago.  I threatened suicide following an argument with my son in which he called me and was yelling at me.  He is intolerant of me having an opinion of my own.  I ended up in the hospital for 4 days and when I was discharged I was a mess.  I have sent heartfelt letters to both of my children and their husbands expressing remorse for how my suicidal attempt must have harmed them.  My son is unwilling to forgive me or to allow my husband and I an opportunity to talk to him or visit with our grandchildren.  Phone calls are not answered and letters are not answered either.  We are both heartbroken.  I am in intensive therapy and struggle to become emotionally healthy again but I feel hopeless and despondent .  Our son is really behaving in a cruel way and we feel our DIL is instigating some of the meanness.  I am so sorry that I have failed my family and I miss our grandchildren more that words can describe.

Mariatobe

I am so sorry about your son.  I know you are feeling heartache and this is creating turmoil inside you.  I think, though, that it sounds like things have been chaotic lately in your life.   When someone threatens suicide, this is incredibly serious, and scary.  I think the letters you wrote afterwards were wonderful, and let them know you are sorry. But I can just feel that, maybe, he feels your not steady right now.  Maybe he's afraid to bring his family over there.   Things have to calm down in your life, and maybe, a step back would be the right approach.  Just for a little while.  Refuse to argue with him.  If you have to not talk to him for just a little while, so be. 

It also sounds a little like your at a crossroads.  You worked for 38 years.  Now you find yourself at home.  Its a hard transition, and bipolar depression is a lifelong disease.  Please tell your dr's and counselors how you are feeling.  Its incredibly important.  Together, maybe they can help you over this slump.  You will come out on the other side feeling better, and healthier.  Good luck. 

cadagi101

Hi and welcome to WWU.     Your story is heartbreaking.    Your story sounds so much like mine ie:  son who percieves mum as controlling, manipulative full of drama .   Your son obviously has very very low self esteem and absolutely no compassion for who you are...... his mum.     The depression and  suicidal thoughts I know where you are coming from I have been there as well.     This site has been wonderful for me and after years of suffering with depression, not to mention the guilt we "mothers" bestow upon ourselves when our son's hate us and are cruel to  us.    Please don't be sorry and feel you have failed,  i KNOW you are going to get some great advice here from ladies who ARE or  HAVE been through what you are coping with now.     Many WW will pick this post up tonight so you will have your replies tommorrow.  You will get better and "turn a corner"  you will love life, you deserve to no-one should ever have to go through what we MUMS get dished out to us by our adult children. 

Keep posting it is very it very healing venting again and again.


A book I can recommend is to you is
When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us   
by Jane Adams


All the best

holliberri

My thoughts are that you need to keep up with intensive therapy and focus on getting you better; not your children, not your GKs. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think that once you become healthy again, happiness may come from within yourself. You may feel a little differently about all of this than you do now. I don't think your son's forgiveness can fix your problem, or even make it a little better. I think fixing yourself has to come first. We're here to listen if you need it. 

AnonymousDIL

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Bipolar is a difficult thing to live with. And it is sometimes even harder to deal with a person who has it. The moods swings can be so sudden and drastic that the people around you have no idea how to deal with it. It sounds like you have been a great mom. Sending those letters was a very good move on your part. As some of the other women suggested, maybe you should focus on yourself for a little while. This is obviously a BIG change in your life.

I understand why your son says you are controlling, etc. Attempting suicide is one of the most "controlling" things anyone can ever do. Even threatening to kill yourself is devastating. (My grandmother did this to my mom on a daily basis as a child, "If you don't do the dishes I'm going to kill myself" - gun in hand- it terrified my mom). You said you did it over an argument with your son. Even though you wrote him a letter apologizing, etc. He is probably still reeling from that experience. If you had been "successful," it probably would have destroyed him because he would have seen it as his fault. This is probably why he is estranged now. He is afraid that, while you promised that you won't do this again, that maybe he will push you over the edge and you will. It isn't right to make someone live with that kind of guilt. I do hope you won't do anything drastic. But your son is going to need a little time. I know that it hurts. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

luise.volta

Many of us have also benefited from reading "When Parents Hurt" by Coleman. When adult children pull the rug out from beneath us...our healing seldom comes from that source. Recovery is more often related to the rest of our lives both before and beyond parenting...and they have to work through growing up without using us as an excuse not to. We are so handy to blame. You are doing the right things...and dealing with an illness that makes all of this even less tolerable. Use our community. Find support here and help others. We're all in this together. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Rose799

Quote from: luise.volta on February 18, 2011, 08:37:37 AM
When adult children pull the rug out from beneath us...our healing seldom comes from that source.

Wow, so true...

JaneF

I am so sorry for the terribly difficult time you are having. I have 2 adult bipolar children (1 dd and 1 ds), so I understand what is involved with that. My ex husband is bipolar as well. I agree with the other posters, take care of you FIRST, you need that. Your choosing to do intense therapy was wise. I hope that you will keep coming back to get support here. We have very good listeners, and you will get some great advice too I'm sure. Concentrate on you for now, take care.

jill

I am so sorry that you have these problems with your son, but I am glad that you have found WWU.  You will get lots of support and comfort from all the women here, so many of us have been through the same thing.  I think your threat of suicide after an argument with him, would have really laid a guilt trip on him.  Obviously if you had followed through, he would feel he was to blame, and he wants to keep his distance.  I think it will take time, I am glad you are in therapy. 
Try not to dwell on the past,but concentrate on getting well.  I know how you feel when you say you have failed your family, I have felt the same many times, and I understand how much you miss your precious grandchildren.  Is there anything your husband can do to try to explain to your son about your illness?  Leave it a while, get well, and try to concentrate on your own life. I am sure your son will come around in time.  Best wishes....Jill

stilltryen

In some respects, you're already ahead of the game if you know you're bi-polar and you know you need help with medicine and counseling.  I agree with everyone here - forget your children and grandchildren for a bit and concentrate on you.  Focus on getting you healthy and strong and the rest might work itself out.

Our family has always thought a cousin of ours, "Else," is bi-polar, but no one in her immediate family will cop to it.  As a result, she's alienated family members and been absolutely horrible to her own children.  Everything is dismissed with, "Oh, that's just how Elsie is," and it never occurs to them that, clearly, this is not how Elsie should be.  She cuts off contact with her children on a moment's whim, not speaking to them or having anything to do with them for years, then suddenly acts like it was their fault and insinuates herself back in.  The rest of us learned a long time ago to simply avoid her, too much drama.  So consider yourself lucky that you know your problems and issues and you have a husband to help you through it.  Good luck and keep posting, we looking forward to reading of your successes and milestones.

Pooh

Welcome to WWU.  I think you were very sincere in sending the letters, and now you have to follow up and get better.  So proud of you for seeking help and wanting to get better.  Stay with it and get yourself strong and healthy.  Sending positive thoughts your way!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

wcrbkw

Thank you everyone for your input.  I am planning on purchasing the book suggestions this week. 
I've searched for solutions to my mental health issues for nearly 3 decades and I've learned one thing for sure.  The professional community of mental health providers is not always completely sure about what makes us tick either.  I was diagnosed with Major Depression until about 2 years ago when the diagnosis changed to Bipolar Disorder.  Unlike many people who suffer from this illness, I do not have frequent manic episodes.  In fact, I have only had two  and they really only consisted of episodes of insomnia that lasted about 2 months.  I don't fit into the Bipolar diagnosis very neatly as I don't suffer from extreme mood swings, overspending, sexual promiscuity,  or any of the host of symptoms described in this diagnosis.  I have had severe depression however and the suicidal thoughts are relatively new.  They are disturbing because they just take over and consume me.  It goes against everything that I ever believed to be right and I am certain that our son was overwhelmed by all of it.  His unwillingness to communicate with me is just so heartbreaking and gives me so much anxiety.  I was abandoned by my mother in many ways.  She would give me the "silent treatment", mock me, leave me standing at bus stops and finally she disappeared.....she just walked away one day and all of our family attempts to locate her were unsuccessful for 30 years.   My mother suffered from Bipolar Disorder and her symptoms were severe.  She was abusive physically as well as emotionally.  My children grew up hearing stories of my upbringing by every member of my family of origin.  They grew to dislike her and when she returned to the family after a 30 year disappearance they would not have anything to do with her.  I share all of this because I've always felt that I have been a "pioneer parent", having never experienced a good role model in my own mother.  We didn't spank our children ever and our discipline was inconsistent.  I could cite many examples of my own feelings of inadequacies as a parent but despite everything I am confident that our children always knew and felt they were loved and cherished by their father and I.  I am not letting myself "off the hook", however.  I do not feel good about my perfectionism, my demanding ways when it came to obeying the family rules, and my lack of patience.  I also feel that I have shared more than I should have with my children.  I have been an open book and all of my fears and insecurities were shared with them.  Maybe I should have kept some things to myself.  Our son has pulled away from us before and I expect that should we come through all of this he will do it again.  Our daughter continues to talk with us and has invited us up for a couple of days soon but she too is very controlling of her father and I.  I told my husband the other day that I just don't know what to say or do anymore and I am feeling afraid of my own adult children.  I just don't know how to act around them.  Thank you all for your input and help.  All of your viewpoints are appreciated.

stilltryen

Maybe you should just start small - pretend they're new friends you just met and you're getting to know them.  Perhaps you and your hubby should get together with your daughter and her husband for a dinner out.  Just a nice 2 hour affair with good food.  Then say good-night and go home.  Small steps to start building your relationship back up.  Maybe once a month.  Keep up with your own counseling and getting back to health.  Maybe if you succeed with your daughter, then maybe she can put in a good word for you with your son and you can start the baby steps there as well. 

So sorry about your mother, humans are truly amazing, aren't they?  Some people come from such a horrendous background and yet managed to rise above it and turn out well despite their burdens.  You will too, just hang in there.

overwhelmed123

Hi WCR-

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now- it's great that you are getting help.  I have a few questions for you-
You said that your son perceives you to be controlling, manipulative, and full of drama and you think he is right- have you told him that?
Also, you said you threatened suicide after a fight with him.  Did you threaten him directly?  Did you actually attempt it, or just threaten it and they admitted you for having suicidal thoughts?
And, can you give more of an elaboration on what the letters said?  Do you think they could have been perceived as desperate or trying to force them to feel bad enough for you so they'd call you?

I'm sorry, but I think it's terribly generalizing to say that it is "obvious" that your son obviously has low self-esteem and no compassion for "who you are."  I mean no disrespect to the poster who said it, but I just believe it is flat out wrong, and that kind of generalizing will get you no where but in more of a rut than you are now.  My husband's mother is truly all of the things you said above, and because he told her that and wanted to make their relationship better, he isn't a person who is not compassionate towards his mother.  He told his mother the things he did because he IS a compassionate person and because he WANTS the relationship to be good for both of them.  He cared enough to tell you how he felt- remember that.  That is a hard thing for men.  They go through life sometimes being told or interpret that mommy is too fragile, you must not ever upset her, you have to hide your true feelings so you don't make her cry.  It is very hard for them to share their true feelings with the woman that raised them.  Your son is probably feeling a lot of mixed emotions and a lot of understandable anger at you.   He may feel like there's pressure being put on him to talk to you and he's not ready yet.  I'd leave him alone right now.  You've already apologized, so you've said what you needed to say.  You need to heal, and you need to let him heal on his own.  I agree that neither of you can do that with the other one.  You've got to find your happiness outside of others.

wcrbkw

Hi,
Actually what I said was that " I think that SOMETIMES he is right".  I did not mean to imply that I think he right on all counts.  To be fair, I can be controlling at times.  It would be inaccurate to say that I am dramatic or manipulative.  My family has always looked to me to be the fixer ( both my family of origin and my husband and children).  I am also the social director, a fierce defender of those that I love, an extremely loyal human being, and I had an intense career that demanded I be a take charge individual.  Unfortunately, that part of a person's personality is hard to turn off when you reach the front door of your home.  So.....yes, I do have a controlling personality at times.  Probably not unlike many people that I know.  And, actually, our son can be controlling as well.  We have had conversations about this part of us that is so similar and how it serves us well in some situations and conversely proves to be a detriment in others.  This is something I feel compelled to work on and I am diligently doing so.

The details of the day in which I attempted suicide are lengthy and I don't feel I want to entertain them in this forum.  What I would like to say is this....our son doesn't have compassion for who I am.  Our son is a bright, successful, multi-talented young man that doesn't have empathy for viewpoints that are different from his own.  His wife is the same way.  My husband and I aren't certain when he adopted this way of thinking but I am a believer that we as parents are not the only influence in a child's life.  Sometimes we just aren't responsible or are able to take credit for everything a child develops into.  The truth is our son DIDN'T tell me how he felt.  I know that he is disapproving of my "mental illness".  He is not willing to learn about it, either.  He sees mental illnesses as weaknesses, something that an individual should be able to control, and he is very intolerant of conversations on the subject of mental illness.  I have never hidden behind my illness, most people are unaware of my issues and I am perceived as a very strong and capable person by all of my colleagues and friends.  As far as my letters are concerned......  I am an articulate professional and a very compassionate human being.  I wrote my letters to him and other members of my family VERY thoughtfully.  I read them over multiple times before I sent them because I DIDN'T want anyone to feel I was blaming them or trying to accomplish anything through the letters other than to humbly and sincerely share my remorse and highlight things I planned on doing to help myself get better.....all in an effort to communicate my desire to be someone they might enjoy being around again one day.
I am certain that our son is angry, he made that abundantly clear.  I think that you are right in that he has a hard time sharing his true feelings with "the woman that raised him".  However, he is not a child anymore, he is 31 years old.  He is well educated and has a brilliant career.  It is now time that he find a way to be a more compassionate human being.  One cannot expect to go through life abandoning people when they don't act just as we would like.  There hasn't been a pattern of abuse in his history with me and his father, contrary to that he has been generously supported and loved every step of the way which helped him find the successes in life that he now enjoys.