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Joshua Coleman Webcast Replay: 5 Most Common Mistakes Estranged Parents Make

Started by Tara, February 17, 2011, 07:31:38 PM

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LaurieS

Quote from: jill on February 18, 2011, 02:25:02 PM
But with our children. everything has to be the way they want it.  It is like everyone is on the same level, just because you gave birth to some one, does not make you any more important in their eyes.
With the adult child who really does feel a sense of entitlement, I think the parent is view as being below them.. not on the same level in any manner.   Matter of fact, that true sense of entitlement would place you above most people.  I'm sure their friends are as disposable as family.

Tara

Jane,

Don't worry about being a 'grump' I have always appreciated your posts and views on things.  I'm sorry
for your losses, its alot to deal with.


Love and Blessings,

Tara

Tara


Hello Women,

Luise mentioned that I might post some of my notes from the Josh Coleman Seminar's. Last night was the second one.   Would people want me to do this?  I found it very interesting, but not sure that others would.  If so, I could double check with Dr. Coleman, but I think it wouldn't be an issue. 

Also,  This is my take on his thinking:  He seems to have a clear understanding of the mistreatment that parents are
experiencing by their kids, and also seems to have a deep compassion.  I get that feeling by his languaging of the issues.  Also, I think he feels that we can be "strategic" to try to resolve the problems or we can focus on 'fair'  which is a choice too.   I think that he gets its not right at all! Last night he talked about the different kinds of reasons that parents and kids have estrangement. 

Let me know. 

Blessings,  Tara

Rose799

I would appreciate your notes, Tara.  Though Mr. Coleman said some things that weren't always easy to swallow, I am open minded enough to take his suggestions in to consideration.  It would just be kind of nice if we could lock our dc in a room & "tutor" them, as well.   ;)

Thanks Tara

LaurieS

Always interested in a different view.. really I'd rather you just take him your laptop and we can have a direct q&e right here

Tara

Yes!  wouldn't that be nice.

He asked me to send him my notes before I put them WWU as he is planning to write some more and
he would like to look at them.  No problem.  Just have to tidy them up a bit.


holliberri

Would someone mind listing the 5 Most Common Mistakes?

I can't listen to this at work and I think DH will think it's strange if I listen. I was estranged from my parents (Dad: 1 and 1/2 years at one point; Mom: max: 3 months, but several times over a few years). I feel confident I'm past that, but I just don't feel that my parents made any mistakes. My estrangement of them was quite silly; it was only my own acceptance that resolved it.

Tara

Holliberry,

I'm getting to go out, but if someone doesn't before tommorrow I will

LaurieS

I'd have to strain my brain to remember all five.. so I'll let Tara do it tomorrow.. so not into brain straining tonight

Tara

Here you go Holliberry:

mistake #1:  eBlieving that a reconciliation with your child should be based on principles of fairness rather than strategy.

Mistake #2:  Trying to motivate your adult child through guilt

Mistake #3:  QUALIFYING YOUR AMENDS THROUGH EXPLANATION, PERSUASION, OR DEFENSIVENESS

Mistake # 4:  RETURNING FIRE WITH FIRE

Mistake # 5:  FAILING TO SEE HOW LONG RECONCILIATION TAKES AND NOT RECOGNIZING PROGRESS WHEN IT OCCURS

cadagi101

Quote from: Tara on February 18, 2011, 10:24:10 PM
Here you go Holliberry:

mistake #1:  eBlieving that a reconciliation with your child should be based on principles of fairness rather than strategy.

Mistake #2:  Trying to motivate your adult child through guilt

Mistake #3:  QUALIFYING YOUR AMENDS THROUGH EXPLANATION, PERSUASION, OR DEFENSIVENESS

Mistake # 4:  RETURNING FIRE WITH FIRE

Mistake # 5:  FAILING TO SEE HOW LONG RECONCILIATION TAKES AND NOT RECOGNIZING PROGRESS WHEN IT OCCURS

Hi Tara,

Can you explain mistake 1 please.  I have a handle on the others but don't understand that 1st one.   

thanks

JaneF

Julia, in my opinion that #1 mistake says we should not expect any "fairness" when trying for a reconcilliation, because it WILL NOT involve fairness. There will be no compromise on the part of our adult child, we will have to do all "giving in". The adult child may not feel any empathy or guilt what so ever. Basically it will all have to be their way or the highway. I am not suggesting Mr. Coleman thinks it is right, but he did say that was how it was. (and he said it was the case with his situation with his daughter, for YEARS). We have to tip toe around in order to get a reconcilliation that could take a very, very long time. I had a hard time with this first rule yesterday! lol I hope I stated this correctly, but as I said this is how I understood it, so it's my opinion. I am sure some others will add their take on it too. Hope I explained it okay.

Tara

Heres my notes on #1

1.  If It would be fair it would be like a friend, each talk about being misunderstood.  That is not in place when estrangement has taken place.   It's a  different kind of experience. If it was fair you could have rules, you could demand more commitment.  if it would be fair, you could say you did the best you could and it would be understand.   If it was fair you could address how kid married someone difficult. 

Whats required is to still be a parent.  but not in the wayyou might think .  Not a model where you talk amongs equals.  you don't get to say how rejected, etc.you feel.  that  drives the child away.  You have to give w/o expecting much in return.  it's a one way street. 

It requires patience, nothing is  more humiliating, devastating. It will take time.  you may have been dealing with this for
year.  You have to see this as a marathon and have patience.  you have to have a vision of unconditional love when you
feel so devalued, maligned.  Unconditional love for oneself.  This is the trickiest part for estranged parents.  Suicidality issues arise, heartbroken, nothing makes parents feel so unlovable as when a child rejects us, makes us feel like terrible people.  its hard to contain and compartmentalize.  You must work and preserve unconditional self love and self acceptance. 

Do:  Write out how you were a good parent in the
     .  carry it around with you on a 3x 5 card and read it 2x a day.

        Have an ongoing dialogue (with self) with how you were and are a good person
        because estranged parents feel depressed, don't do things good for
        themselves, Do good things!

       Work on  ability to try and compartmentalize so it doesn't affect your
        own life.  I'll think about it 5 minutes and then put it away.
        that's not only good for them and good for you.


        gender issues:

        Men get mad, better at compartmentalizing, and tend to stop  reaching out.

         Women get sad


-   All estranged parents feel shame.
-   This is an epidemic and happens to good people
-   




1Glitterati

Quote from: Tara on February 19, 2011, 07:53:27 AM
Heres my notes on #1

1.  If It would be fair it would be like a friend, each talk about being misunderstood.  That is not in place when estrangement has taken place.   It's a  different kind of experience. If it was fair you could have rules, you could demand more commitment.  if it would be fair, you could say you did the best you could and it would be understand.   If it was fair you could address how kid married someone difficult. 

I want to be clear that I am not speaking to any person on this board or to any situation on this board.  Again...I am not talking about anyone on this board.  I want that to be clear.

I guess what I would like to see recognized is that sometimes the best you could can be understood, but it can't be forgiven.  And sometimes it just can't be accepted that the best you did was the best you could do.

When I say that I'm talking about parents who were drunks, physically abusive, shoved their children aside for other marriages, allowed partners to molest children, etc.  The big stuff.  Sometimes people can't forgive or move past that stuff, and adult children DO have the right to their feelings, too.  It isn't always about the poor innocent parent being abused by an adult child.  Sometimes as parents we screw up and those screw ups are not going to be forgiven.  That's just the way it is.  If you try to force forgiveness or demand that the other person get over it because of how it affects you (general sense you), then you're in for a world of hurt and disappointment.  (and, yes...I realize that runs both ways.  Kids can't demand that of parents, either and expect it to just happen.)  And...for some mistakes made while parenting...the hurt and disappointment on the part of the child toward the parent is deserved.

Not everything can or should be fixed.  Sometimes we just have to deal with the punishment of the things we did wrong.

luise.volta

And also with being punished for things we didn't do wrong. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama