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Fed Up with Daughter

Started by pinksea741, February 18, 2011, 07:03:30 PM

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pinksea741

I am new to the board, but I really need to vent.. So here goes, a few weeks ago my daughter (32) had a fight with her boyfriend (who is also my sister's son).  Apparently they argue a lot.  But this time my youngest GD (10) texted me because they were afraid, told them to stay in their bedrooms.  They did and DD stop fighting..Next nite GD text me to come please cause they were fighting and DD pulled knife on BF.  I called youngest GD father and he met me at the house, but afraid to go in (he knows how DD is), as was the girls..  I went in to tell her I was taking the girls, GS was at a friends.  I told her that they weren't setting a good esample for the kids and she told me to tell BF...Which I replied "your their mother".   She did have brusies, but because BF was trying to keep her off him.  I told her I didn't care about what they did to each other, but was taking to girls home with me.  She was okay with that.   Hubby told BF later that he could crash on our couch after work (3rd shift), he did, but daughter came next day to get him.  He went cause he did not want to upset the girls and hubby's mom, who has dementia.    Later I got a nasty text from DD telling me I was a rotten mother and never cared about her and now she won't let me see the GK.  I miss them and they text cause they wanted to come over this weekend, but DD won't reply to any of my text messages.   I am so mad at her that I deleted her off my facebook.   

See this isn't the first time she has done this.  Once she invited a girl from Ohio she met on internet, but wouldn't give the girl her clothes unless she paid DD for bus ticket.  Not seeing the GK was only until we took the girl back to Ohio.

The last time was when we brought another house and offered my daughter to move into our old house...it was big and thought it would be great for kids.  Well,  she wanted us to fill out papers that she was renting it so that she could continue to get some kind of assistance.  We refused...saying it was illegal and we weren't going to do, but the house was hers if she wanted it.   It was rent free, no rent bills.  But she went and rented another place for more rent than what she was paying.  That lasted couple months, but BF would bring GK to visit.   

This time it is different, because I am now extremely mad and upset,  We have done so much for her, payig rent, heating bills...christmas and easter stuff for kids when she can't afford it.   I am just tier of being blamed every time we don't do what she wants.

There is a funny part to this...when they were fighting,asked GD where GS was and they said he slept through everything.  He has hearing problem and had taken out his hearing aids to go to bed. 

I really miss those kids we always to stuff together. 

Okay, now Im done..Still hurting...

luise.volta

And we are here...sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

JaneF

Your story sounds all too familiar. It is hard to bear when there are our innocent grandkids involved in the mess isn't it? Has your daughter always been like this, or is this a new thing? Is she aggressive a lot (I was taken by surprise when you mentioned the knife incident!). It is awful when the children are used as pawns to get what their parents demand. I agree with your decision not to be dishonest about them paying you rent too. You did the right thing. Mercy, many years ago a house free of rent would have been a great help to a lot of people I know...myself included. I am glad you are here. You will get good listeners here, and good advice too. Take care of you.

Mariatobe

Wait, I can't get past the fact....is your daughter dating her first cousin??

stilltryen

Quote from: Mariatobe on February 18, 2011, 08:55:17 PM
Wait, I can't get past the fact....is your daughter dating her first cousin??

Yeah, that and the part about where evidently the daughter wouldn't let them see the GK until they drove some girl from Ohio back to Ohio.  Not sure what the parents had to do with all that, they weren't the ones who went on the internet and foisted this chick on her.

pinksea, yikes!  Your daughter sounds like she thinks the world revolves around her, do you have any other kids?  There's always CPS, they might be able to make a dent in her world.

pinksea741

Wow, I am like these gals understand what I am up against.
 
Yes my daughter is living with her 1st cousin.   He had lived in Texas all his life and DD and him started communicating over the internet.  He moved up here, which I though was until he got on his feet.  However, later found out he and she were actually a item.  My sister and I weren't happy about it, but figured they were grown ups and it is their life.   Thank God, DD can't not have more children.

The knife thing was scary for me also...we had just had a guy kill his girl friend with a knife.  People do things in a split of a second before realizing what they have done and then it's too late.   The worst part was my youngest GD pulled a knife out too.  I talked to GD about this, she was scared and copying mommy.   

Stilltyen, you hit the nail on the head.  Yes my dd thinks life revolves about her and has always been this way.   We had problems with her in her teens, where we had CP come in because she called and asked if she could come home.  I told her if she followed the house rules, which she said no and she was calling CP.  I told her to hang up and I'll call them, which I did.   Problem was they send this young girl who my dd charmed (she is very good at this).  But by the end of several months when cp signed off, they wished me luck and said God Bless you, you're going to need it.   

I am not going to say I was the best mother, but I don't drink, do drugs or beat my kids (mainly because I came from abusive family and left home at 14).  Never got married until I was 33.  Main mistake is not making my kids do any chores, always felt gulity because I had to work.  But my time with them was quality time.  I have two sons, one 28 and one 24, both are single, one engaged.   I don't know where dd violent streak comes from, as my hubby and I never fought in front of our kids.  We knew how to talk to each other or just not talk to each other (hard to argue with someone who won't argue back..lol).

Anyways, back to my DD.  If you ever met her you would like her and she would do anything for ya.  But, as my GDs say, don't ever disagree with her or you are on her poop list.  The older gd 13 and gs 12 father hung himself a few months ago.  DD wouldn't let gk see him, althoug youngest gd father would when he came into town to visit.  Since he had just talked to GD day before hanging himself she could not uderstand this.  I asked her if she blamed her mom and she said yes cause she had ask mom if he came into town could she see him and was told no.   Now, my youngest GD's father has always been the older two dad, as he was around from time they were little and they use to go with him every other weekend, but DD won't allow oldest GD to go with him any more.   Now DD won't let oldest GD see me or text me (I do text the younger two every day) GD daughter always tell everyone I more like a friend then her grandma.  So I am concern about what this may be doing to her at such a bad age to begin with.   My daughter is over weight but thinks she is the greatest ...she is pretty and there is nothing to being over weight...But DD clothes are very tight and revealing...she has put pictures of herself on facebook, and has even left the kids have facebook accounts.   She has met guys on line and they have even come to her house for weekends.   What's funny, is when she was dating youngest GD's father, he was controlling and I knew he would not control her.  With current bf, she is the controlling one...his money, when he can or can't go out...I guess, from what he text me that now he has laid down the rules...don't know how long that will last.

Really missing kids and hoping she will need something soon,  that's when she usually starts talking to us.

But hey, thanks for listening and understanding....I just need to make sure my GK are okay.... 

Mariatobe

ok, I can't put my finger on it, but something isn't right  Your daughter clearly has boundary issues.  She is living with her first cousin.  That is almost like living with your brother as a lover.  Its incest.  It is good they can't have kids.  Then, she invites people over who she meets on the internet.  Then she has incidences with knives and violence.  I'm going out on a limb here, but was your daughter ever sexually molested because there are a lot of signs there.  She's promiscuous, has a hard time keeping a relationship, has to be in control, has no personal boundary issue or would not be sleeping with first cousin.  This really bothers me.  AND she does all of this with kids in the house.  Not sure why CPS would drop the ball on this one, but you need to call them again, clearly.  Also sounds like she may have a drug problem.  Only talks to you when she needs something.  I'm betting its money. 

Look, I'm not trying to be mean, but there are some big red flags here, and there are kids who are witnessing all of this, and starting to have behavioral issues of their own.  You have to get them out of that house, no matter WHAT happens with your daughter, she's clearly lost all control of herself.  There's nothing you can do there until she sees it.  She won't if everyone caves to her.

pinksea741

marie, thanks for your advise.   My dd doesn't have a drug problem because she, like me,  hates drugs and loves it when people get busted.  Besides GK would tell me if she did.  If i even though she was I would take those kids out of there so fast.    As far as being a sexually abused, I don't know...I never seen anything and I was always protective that way because I as a child was sexually abused and always told my kids how to handle  it.   

I think it is more that she was spoiled as a kid and she has always been very out going, which I liked because I wasn't.  She is much like my one sister in that way.   I think she is concern for others, but not at the expense of hersellf.   I think she take pride in being self-centered and for caring only about her needs and wants.  I think she is a narcissist and that is where the violent may be coming from.   
She doesn't take blame for anything she does and if possible to blame the other person.   The giving of money is for bills she can't pay, which she is actually good at paying her bills.   She does work although she does quit because it is always someone elses fault.   We don't give her money every time she ask because I feel she needs to take responsiblity for her self; so it is usually for stuff that comes up with the kids and we don't always say yes.   Heck when we give the kids money, she takes it for gas or smokes.  So they have learned to hid it from her.   I though when she had children she would take the "I wants" and put them on her kids.   I know I always had the nice clothes and nice everything before she was born, but afterwards I always spent  on her.  But she is the opposite of me and I mean completely.   

Don't get me wrong, in her way she is a good mom.  Kids are in sports and they get good grades, oldest GK is honor student.   But this every time she gets mad at someone, she makes sure she hurts them in the worst way.   Like not letting me see the kids, but she doesn't care if this hurts them too.   CP doesn't do anything, as long as the house is clean and kids look good, they do nothing.  There would have to be a police report for them to come in when there is a fight. As far as her living with her cousin, in this state it is legal and they won't do anything about it (youngest GD's father tried).  I just know that when, if she does come back around, I will protect myself...because I have realized out of all my kids, she is a user.   She is like that with her friends.  Lucky she has the internet to be someone else, cause it really sad when her own kids she what she can do..   

But believe me next time one of the GD call because of fighting, I will call the police and go get them and won't give them back to her without a court fight. 



myree

i cant add anymore than whats here already ,but i understand