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Dr. Phil show re:cults

Started by Pen, February 16, 2011, 04:45:51 PM

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Pen

OMG! Did anyone else watch Dr. Phil today?

Even the language is similar - boundaries, space, attachment...omg, I'm just flabbergasted.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

No I don't watch TV but why are you flabbergasted? Aren't those today's buzz words? What am I missing here? Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

holliberri

No, but I saw the show where he thought it was perfectly okay to only have seen his in-laws 3 times in his lengthy marriage. He said it is because he never wanted them to think visits with them were to be expected. I was a little taken back by his nonchalance about that. He said his ILs seem like great people, he just never wanted to be with them. It made me angry for some reason. But, his wife seemed happy, so I guess my passing judgement is wrong. Still, I really haven't watched him since.

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

I rarely watch Dr. Phil but today when I turned on the TV to watch the weather it was tuned to his show. At first I thought it was about moms and married sons!

The show was about 2 moms who wanted to see their adult children who had joined a group in NM whose leader kept them away from their FsOO. These women and their other children had not seen or spoken to them for over 2 years. Honestly, their stories sounded like some DMs/MILs here. The young woman was brought in to meet her mom and sister. She told them she didn't need them in her life, that their desire to have a connection with her was "just an attachment."

The other mom finally got to speak to her son by phone...he said things about respecting his boundaries, not invading his space, not speaking badly of his friends, etc. His speech was short, patronizing and cold. It sounded so familiar!

He told his mom he'd meet her the next day for lunch and she was so excited she jumped up and down and danced for joy. Of course he called the next day and canceled, and his mom was absolutely devastated. Dr. Phil asked the mom if she thought he was being coached by the leader of the cult. She said yes because he sounded so cold and fake. "I just want to see my son," she said. "I just want to see him." Her other son was able to speak to him the day before as well and he said, "I just want to talk to my brother alone, but that's probably impossible."

It was chilling. Dr. Phil and the audience were clearly feeling the moms' and siblings pain. I thought, I wonder if they'd be so compassionate about a mom whose DS treated her that way after he got married?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

but the one thing that seems to be common is the control factor.. would it not make sense that once someone allows their way of thinking to truly be controlled by someone/anyone, then the person who is the dominate force in the relationship would feel the need to control every aspect of that person and begin to isolate the person to help retain control.. whoa.. I should have taken a breath on that one :)

It's funny that Dr Phil was mentioned.. just today I was wondering how his family life was.   I don't know if it's true but it seems like some of these psychiatrist (I don't know if that is really his field) have some of the more odd families. 

Pen

Forget that it's freaky Dr. Phil (who actually said very little one way or the other for once, just showed the videotape and listened to the moms and sibs) and consider the content of the show. If you can, watch it. I'm telling you, I had chills. It was hard to watch the mom's faces as they either saw their brainwashed adult kids face to face or tried to have a conversation by phone. I knew how they felt; it was really familiar - wanting to connect, to hug, to get through, but holding back for fear of scaring them away and being absolutely devastated by their rejection. No parent wants to go through that, ever, no matter what the cause.

It will haunt me for awhile, I'm sure.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

I think Laurie nailed it Pen.  It is all about control.  It is the same as a cult, which is also based on control, so the similarities you saw, to me make perfect sense.  I think we three have very controlling DILs that want center stage, and if we will not give it to them, then they will cut down the size of the audience.  Eventually, the audience is cut down until the only people allowed to see the performance, will be those that will give them a standing ovation. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

Did the show offer suggestions on dealing with something like this? I'm wondering, since it does sound so similar, if there aren't some tips that  would be applicable to your situations.

Pooh

Ha!  It just hit me after I wrote that post, that by that analogy, MIL and DIL problem people are almost total opposites in their behavior. Whereas a controlling DIL wants to cull down the audience and eliminate people, a controlling MIL wants to send out massive invites to her performance until she can get people to agree and sympathize with her.  Ok, I have one of those weird brain days going on today...Sorry. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

A lot of controlling people I know only take their control so far. It's only fun until the audience is completely culled. Then they backpedal. It's not as much fun without an audience, I guess. I guess the difference between a controlling DIL and a cult is that cults attract more people, so that's how they stay alive and keep the fervor going.

LaurieS

Quote from: holliberri on February 17, 2011, 06:44:37 AM
Did the show offer suggestions on dealing with something like this? I'm wondering, since it does sound so similar, if there aren't some tips that  would be applicable to your situations.
Short of drinking the kool-aid?

I know years ago, when the hippy cults were going strong, some parents actually kidnapped their own adult children.. once removed from the cult many of these people were able to redirect their lives.  The one obvious connection was how the people that had  become powerless to make their own decisions honestly thought they 'loved' the leaders, and because we teach our kids that you should love without condition the human brain translated that into a blind following.  Three examples of this that had profound effects was of course.. Charlie Manson, Jim Jones (Jonestown, Guyana), and David Koresh(Waco).

I think that is why often times you see mothers here feeling like if they can just get a little free time with their son/daughter then they can talk some sense into them.. which of course only  adds to the problem.

Pooh

My grandma used to say, "Everyone will eventually show their true colors.  And when they do, some people will just be gray.  Must be lonely and miserable to just be gray.  I want to be a rainbow."  Man I miss her.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

Quote from: Laurie on February 17, 2011, 07:47:37 AM

I think that is why often times you see mothers here feeling like if they can just get a little free time with their son/daughter then they can talk some sense into them.. which of course only  adds to the problem.

I guess in the case of a DIL, it could add to the problem, instead of preventing further isolation. I guess that doesn't help.

LaurieS

Quote from: Pooh on February 17, 2011, 07:49:27 AM
My grandma used to say, "Everyone will eventually show their true colors.  And when they do, some people will just be gray.  Must be lonely and miserable to just be gray.  I want to be a rainbow."  Man I miss her.
Oh Pooh.. being a rainbow now is not a good thing.. pick a color any  color.. pick two.. but never a rainbow