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Running out of time.....

Started by AncientWarriorQueen, February 13, 2011, 04:19:03 pm

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AncientWarriorQueen

My ex husband and I did the very best job that we could. We bought for, counseled, played with and coddled each of our sons....sometimes I  wonder why.
I have three  sons. Age 34, 28 and 20. My eldest son abandoned our family for 6 years. He devastated us! It was over jealousy of his then religious fanatic wife. After which, he came crawling home. However, I have a couple of granddaughters out there that I rarely see. His reasons for his behavior was that his wife (at the time) did not like me. My answer to that was that it was half his fault. He chose to please her.
My youngest son had Renal Cell Carcinoma a year and a half ago. A rare situation to be in for an 18 year old. Cancer is beyond frightening especially when it is your child. He had lived with his father for a few years prior to moving back to my state. He wanted to stay with his grandparents. He was doing very well as the student body president, the football captain and homecoming kind and he fell in love with a girl. Our relationship was starting to come around again as well. The sentence of cancer was devastating to all of us. My father had a heart attact the night that my son went in for his operation to remove half of his kidney. I slept (a few moments at a time) in his room and watched over him. He made it! They said that they got all of it.
He healed, came to me and announced that he and his girlfriend were having a baby. I did not judge them. I thought that with the very good possibility that my son would have cancer again, that he was forturnate enough  to have a chance. I helped get him into colege and helped with the baby. Now...thse kids abandoned me. Left me with a car that they messed up, nrenting a house that is too big and too expensive and just a number of huge ways that they took advantage of myself and the system. Now there is a baby involved. Here's the clencher, my son is hooked on narcotics. I have not heard from him for over 6 months.......he does not have the time to waste that his br brother did. It just about kills me everyday.

LaurieS

Bless your heart, and I'd like to welcome you to the boards.  You'll find here that it's a general belief that while it's hard if not impossible to make other people change... You can and must take care of yourself first.  I'm assuming that you've looked into programs that may help you cope with all that's been piled on you.  Whatever we can do here, we will.. break down your situation, because I don't think you can deal with it at this time in its entirety.. keep posting here, someone will say something at a point which will help you make it through these hardships. 

Pen

AWQ, I'm so sorry you're in such a sad situation, but I'm glad you found us. Right how it seems the site is going through some growing pains; I've been away for a couple of days so I don't really know what's going on. I know there are many mothers here who have gone through similar things with their sons (cut off, illness, narcotics) and you'll likely get support and advise as you attempt to move beyond the pain. Best wishes to you. It does get easier, and it starts with honoring yourself for doing the best you could as a parent. 
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

AWQ,

My very very best friend was hooked on narcotics after her first round with cancer too...at age 18. It's very common. Do you know if he has been, or if someone can get him to NA meetings? They helped with her, and she didn't need rehab.

Being hooked on narcotics could explain all of his behavior towards you (setting aside OS's behavior).

I'm very sorry about this.  There are also NA meetings for families as well...it may help you to go so you can have a chance to talk to people going through the same thing as you.

AncientWarriorQueen

My youngest son will not admit that he is hooked on narcotics. He has been "shopping" for them in at least 15 doctors that I know of and constantly went to the emergency room for mysterious pain that the specialists could not identify. I had countless doctors turn him down for narcotics and a few that told me that he was suffering not from pain but from narcotics withdrawel. So...I do assume from these experiences and information from health experts that he is indeed on drugs. I love my son. He is my youngest. He opted to move 3000 miles away with his father when we broke up. He thought that the adventure would be great but most of all...he said, "Mom, you will be poor now and Dad will have plenty of money, I'm going with him and you can not do anything about it because of the laws, I'm over twelve now." Period! We had a good relationship before that. I'm not sure if his father primed him to believe this or if it was just there to begin with. We had never focused on those who have and those who do not have. Everyone was equal in my home. So, he moved here finally, I helped him in every single way that I could. Then when they moved out, they had messed up my car like I mentioned above and I called to ask if he could take me home, I was sick. and he said he was too busy to get into his car and drive me a few miles. He was 2 blocks away....I awlked the 3 miles. I also walked for weeks when I loadned them my car. I love my son, I'm used to being abandoned if one can get used to that, and as far as I know, yes he is on narcotics but I'm not sure if I will ever see him again, so I'm not sure that going to a meeting for people who have loned ones who are on drugs would help me. I want to thank all of you for tyour responces. I have looked for a place where women with wisdom might talk online. People who might be able to relate to my feelings and understand what I'm going through. This is a blessing. Thank you

holliberri

AWQ,

Please try just one meeting. Every situation is different, and a lot of people have lost their kids due to narcotics. Your pain is still there, even if your son is not; that needs to be verbalized, although typing here helps too.

Did he have to go through chemo? This is very common after recovering from cancer. My best friend was in constant real pain after her bone marrow transplant, and because the hospital will give you just about anything to ease pain, she became very addicted for a few years. She was never strong enough to undergo a withdrawal after she went into remission. Those drugs are strong. NA meetings were what saved her. AWQ, I was so angry with her for abusing her body like this after she recovered from cancer. I just couldn't imagine doing it; the only think I can think of is that she really had no control over what she was doing.

I am sorry about your son choosing to stay with his dad. I chose to stay with mom when my parents divorced not because she had money, but she was our "friend." I think that's what the teen years look like. I'm so sorry about them messing up your car and leaving. You sound like you've done so much for them. I will be thinking of you.


lancaster lady

AWQ:
They break your hearts don't they ?
You were there for him before and he'll find you again ,you are his mom .
He seems that he has to work through this himself ,hopefully he will seek help when he's ready .
you can only offer advice ,but can't make him follow through .
Are you still in touch with him ?
Can you care from a distance ? It's hard because he's your son and you want to look after him .
However ,you are important too ,take care .
This forum is the place to be when feeling low ,the ladies will build your self esteem again and make you strong . So when he comes calling you will be in a better place ,and able to help him .

jill

Dear AWQ,
I am so sorry to hear your sad story, but glad that you found us.  You will find comfort and support from all the wise women here.  My best to you....Jill

Pooh

Welcome AWQ and so glad you found us.  Holli gave excellent advice and I too, think it is very easy to get hooked after dealing with cancer and other illnesses.  He needs help and unfortunately, he is the only one that can decide to get it.  Hang in there and do something for yourself and realize you did plenty to help him, but he has to walk his own path, good or bad.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

We are here for you. Counseling might give you some support, too. You can't change what you and your son are up against but you can find a way to get through it and love and heal yourself. He will need to do the same. I'm so sorry.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

AncientWarriorQueen

Thank you for all of your wonderful advice. I am a full time student. I have some major projects going that could change some significant things for many people. I'm body building, studying and will soon be traveling to do some things that could make a difference in many peoples lives.
The weight that I carry on my shoulders for the things that I am involved with are NOTHING in comparison to the weight that I carry from the helplessness that I feel when it comes to my child, my son.
No mother, that is a mother, would ever want her child to suffer or die. We all know as mothers, how strong that feeling is. I felt that this child was taken from me long before he could "fly" on his own and I feel that there are missing elements because of  that. I wish that I could make everything better. I wish that I didn't have to take 10 minutes a day to fall apart and then cram myself back together again and go on. I wish that communication was easy with him but it's not.
It's easier for me to solve some world problems than it is to solve this one. So the only choice I have is to move on. Try not to be fragmented like being cut by a thousand peices of glass through the loss of a child who chose, for whatever reason, even if it is narcotics, to leave me. In doing so, I must prepare to hear that he has died one day because he will probably not go in for the care that he should to keep his cancer at bay. To stay away and not be able to help, feels like someone has gagged me, tied me up and tossed me in a jail cell. Figuratively speaking, doesn't it kind of feel like that to a mother when she is unable to help here child in a seriously life threatening situation?
Yet, It is is my child", my son, who has chosen to keep me from helping, to not communicate with me and to cut off all communication. God, I swear, I would give up anything and everything for my own mother. She brags that if there were something terribly wrong and she needed me that I would crawl on my hands and knees a hundred miles to get to her side if I had to and she is absolutely correct
I can't even get my son to make a phone call to me or to answer his phone whien I call. That's hard to swallow but I will. I will go on. I will not blame myself. I did a good job. I will always love him no matter what but I refuse to continue to carry the pain and the blame for this child who is now a man.
So I declare on this Valentines Day. A day for love, not necessarily just between a husband and a wife or a boyfriend and a girlfriend but also for a child or a mother or friends it's just a day for love, I declare, that I am freeing myself from abandonment, from being mistreated, from being neglected and emotionally abused. So that I can have love for others who choose to love me.
My arms will be open wide for this child and his family if they so choose to return in friendship. This is my Valentines Declaration of Independence from being an abandoneded mother. Happy Valentines Day to all of you deserving mothers who will not receive a box of choolates or a card from or a phone call from that one child that you gave life to who will not remember you this year. Happy Valentines and Happy Independence Day! With love from a fellow mother.  ;D The Ancient Warrior Queen.

lancaster lady

It's a very brave and strong person who can make a statement like that when her heart has been ripped out .!
My thoughts are with you and may you keep strong through the coming weeks .
Sending you a Valentine Heart until yours has been repaired ....with love x

JaneF

I am so sorry for the difficult situation you are dealing with. I understand how you feel since my YS also has life threatening health issue and cut us off too 7 months ago. Also I have dealt with my child and drug addiction, it is a frightful thing, and yes those drugs are very powerful. They will rationalize and deny or do whatever to get their drugs, and it changes who they are. It sounds like you are a very caring mom that has done an awful lot for them. I would try the meetings for family members of those who have drug issues, it did help me to understand some things. Take care of yourself most of all. All of these are painful experiences, but we have to love ourselves before we move on. Glad you found this site, there are many here who are caring and wise. Blessings to you.

Pooh

That was beautiful AWQ and I am sending huge hugs to you.  Good luck with your studies and projects.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

AWQ, the world is lucky to have you. Your post is a beautiful testament about what it means to be a loving mother, fulfilled woman, and compassionate world citizen. Thank you for sharing with us; I'll be thinking about this powerful post for a long time.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb