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Needing help understanding MIL and how to deal

Started by Rejected, February 09, 2011, 11:11:28 PM

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holliberri

Creme,

I really did need some clarification on that statement also, but I'm not sure I was interpreting it negatively. I just really read it as a blanket statement. My thinking in reading it was that if we were solely products of our parents, there's not a whole lot I can do to change, and that I better be doubly careful when raising my DD, else she wouldn't be able to change.

Reading through your second posts does clean up the confusion, so I'm very glad that Laurie asked; I wasn't going to ask.

cremebrulee

I'm glad Laurie asked as well...actually I was quite surprised, that so many of you took it that way...I'll have to keep trying to word my thoughts differently....

LaurieS

Rejected... I don't feel that  your thread was hijacked but that some points needed to be clarified.  Without knowing your mil, I'm asking this as no more then a possibility... My own MIL who I have spoken about on numerous occasions was always the most loving and giving individual.  She without a doubt enhanced our lives by being a part of it.  About ten years ago she started to develop a mobility problem, quickly this escalated into an emotional problem as well... upon examination by a qualified doctor she was diagnosed with depression.  The point is, we started to see changes, this was not the same woman that took such an active part of our lives..... her diagnoses led us to help.

Your MIL, sounds to me like she is on an emotional roller coaster.. self pity, anger, lashing out and you are saying that it all started after the death of her husband.  My fil would say.. well if you're depressed put on a happy song... he like so  many others are not  aware of the chemical imbalance in the brain and the complexities of depression. Nor was he fully aware of the possible medical treatments and counseling that is available.  I say counseling because she has developed habits over this time frame.  Chances are she may recognize her own destructive behavior but be helpless to react properly.

Hope

Quote from: justus on February 10, 2011, 01:08:22 PM
Rejected, I am going to advise you to keep your cards close to your chest. Every time you draw a line in the sand, your MIL can't help but step over it. She is just that kind of person. She loves the drama and she obviously has not respect for you. Besides, as you said, she considers you both to be children, so who are you to tell her what she can or cannot do? She'll show you!!!

So, don't tell her where the boundaries are, but give her natural consequences when she does cross a line. When she screams at your DH, he leaves no matter if he is in the middle of fixing her plumbing and the water is turned off. He tells her that he won't tolerated being treated like that and she can just call a plumber to finish the job. Call when she can behave like an adult. Same thing if she starts to criticizes you or your FOO. If he is on the phone, he hangs up and does not answer her phone calls for a while. Essentially, he puts her in time out. You have to give her reason to change.

About the gossiping, stop the information train. Don't tell one thing about your life. Give her vague answers like, "We haven't decided," or "Those plans are still in flux," or "I was told that in confidence and won't repeat it," or, "I don't want to talk about that," then change the subject. If she keeps coming back to it, repeat the same things or you say something in a teasing voice like, "Boy, you are being nosy today." If she gets upset say, "Someone is a bit sensitive." Then change the subject again. Remember that just because she asks a question, you don't have to answer. She is being nosy, insensitive and rude if she pursues a subject you don't want to talk about.  End the visit or phone call if she is being too intrusive.

My own M asked me when DH and I were first dating if we were having sex. I was in my 30s at the time. She thought she had a right to the information because she asked and because she told me everything, so I should tell her everything. I told her that I wished she didn't tell me everything. No one should know about their parent's sex life what I knew, and she would never ever know about my sex life as it wasn't any of her business. Oh, she was mad, but she got over it. I won't be bullied into sharing private information.

BTW, she chooses to be lonely. It isn't your responsibility to make sure she has company. If she didn't want to be lonely, she could do something about it.

I don't know what to tell you about the siblings. My own siblings stopped talking to me because of my own Mother's poison. She essentially made them chose. Your H does not owe them an explanation. He has tried, they don't believe him, so stop trying. I finally told my DB that if M had a problem with me, she should act like an adult and deal with me directly instead of pulling him into it. He had nothing to say to that. I also told him that he just makes the problem worse by becoming involved. It worked for a little while, but M stepped things up because she wasn't getting her quota of attention from DB and DB had been trained from birth to give M what she wanted.

Yes, my M is a piece of work. She taught me how not to be an MIL and mother of adult children. Oh, I have messed up, but my children and SIL are much too valuable to me to drive them away like my M did me, DH and my DDs.
Great advise, justus!  Lots of common sense.  I've been getting away from my common sense the more I encounter nonsense (being pushed away without an explanation by those we love most).  It was refreshing to read your words of wisdom.  That's exactly the way I always believed, but I'm telling you - after being treated like we aren't important, like we are nobodies - it starts playing tricks on your mind.  Just reading your post gave me strength.
Hugs, Hope

Rejected

Quote from: Laurie on February 12, 2011, 06:24:02 PM
I say counseling because she has developed habits over this time frame.  Chances are she may recognize her own destructive behavior but be helpless to react properly.

My MIL is very aware that she can see a counselor. It has even been recommended to her by many people such as her family, religious leaders, friends, co-workers (when she was working) and the counseling sessions would have been free as well (paid by her religious leader) but she absolutely refuses, even though she could pay for them herself now she still refuses. Also, before she retired she worked at a medical clinic so I'm pretty sure she knows there are some meds out there that could help her out.
Sorry I failed to mention this before, but before her husband passed away I've heard people refer to her as a "hard woman" and that she wore the pants in her marriage. So she wasn't this gentle, kind soul before, just more pleasant. The neediness, pity, and feeling of entitlement is what has developed after. She thinks that since she's experienced this horrendous tragedy that everyone should feel sorry for her and help her with everything 11 years later. Even around his passing day, birthday, anniversary she expects flowers from people. Our first year of marriage we bought her flowers and the first words out of her mouth were "oh you're in-charge of the flowers this year?" I understand these are difficult days for her, as those days(among others) are hard for me but I don't expect everyone to cater to me. She shows no sympathy to me on my hard days(not that I expect or want it) Unfortunately my late DH's passing day is my MIL birthday (awkward) and she tries to throw herself birthday parties & gets ticked when we say we're not coming. Sorry but I don't feel like partying on the anniversary of my DH's death. And a lot of years it's not just the day I have a hard time with, I sometimes hit slumps and I'm depressed for a few days.  Last year she said it was a Father's Day dinner and being that DH's dad passed away I thought it was a way they kept him in their lives and so we went, come to find out she had made herself a birthday cake and had some present to open. I know and understand that we all grieve differently but it makes a difference when the grieving involves depending on other people.

I wholeheartedly agree that she needs to see a therapist but she is very stubborn and absolutely will not, nor does she believe she needs any medications to help her.
"Women are Angels and when someone breaks our wings... we simply continue to fly --- on a broomstick... we are flexible."  ~Anonymous

LaurieS

It's a shame that she is refusing, but this does not surprise me in the least.... Hard woman or not, these are not normal behaviors and eventually she will cross the magic line and possibly be court ordered to that medical evaluation.

At this point I think I'd stop wasting my tire tread and make a united stance on what you will and will not participate in.  The first thing that eliminated would be the mandatory flowers in my book.  Your dh is doing the right thing by leaving when mom starts revving it up to an unacceptable level.. One thing he may not realize.. when he does leave with anger smoking at his tires, she has succeeded. If you and dh come up with your tentative list on what you will and will not participate in I think you may take the play out of her game.

I'm glad that you recognize that this could be a condition based on medical needs and that she may not be in complete control of her life and actions... it doesn't make it better, but it does help you to retain compassion for the woman. 

When my own mil went through this, of course she fought us... finally I went to her dr and asked about the choices that may be available to her.. I ended up saying well if she isn't going to take the Celexa then I will because I was being as effected by her drama as she was creating it.  Within months, I was able to take the 'me' out of her problems and that helped us deal with the situation much better... wishing you luck

Faithlooksup

February 13, 2011, 09:21:44 AM #36 Last Edit: February 13, 2011, 06:26:10 PM by luise.volta
Ya know, I am so tired of all this -can we all try to get along?   How old are we here?   And why do some of you think you have all the answers?  Are we not allowed to voice our own opinions to help someone with out being shot down by some?    If some of you think you are so perfect and have all the right answers--then why are you on this forum for?


luise.volta

Controversy and debate are not necessarily bad. We are a motley crew of divergent individuals. We can at times deteriorate into badgering and negativity, however. When a thread gets "hot" sometimes I lock it. That wouldn't be necessary if those who found it unpleasant just hopped over to some other topic. When explanations of explanations get repetitious, it's often time to move on. Nes pa?
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

February 13, 2011, 04:47:30 PM #38 Last Edit: February 13, 2011, 06:23:11 PM by luise.volta
Quote from: Laurie on February 13, 2011, 06:09:43 AM
It's a shame that she is refusing, but this does not surprise me in the least.... Hard woman or not, these are not normal behaviors and eventually she will cross the magic line and possibly be court ordered to that medical evaluation.

At this point I think I'd stop wasting my tire tread and make a united stance on what you will and will not participate in.  The first thing that eliminated would be the mandatory flowers in my book.  Your dh is doing the right thing by leaving when mom starts revving it up to an unacceptable level.. One thing he may not realize.. when he does leave with anger smoking at his tires, she has succeeded. If you and dh come up with your tentative list on what you will and will not participate in I think you may take the play out of her game.

I'm glad that you recognize that this could be a condition based on medical needs and that she may not be in complete control of her life and actions... it doesn't make it better, but it does help you to retain compassion for the woman. 

When my own mil went through this, of course she fought us... finally I went to her dr and asked about the choices that may be available to her.. I ended up saying well if she isn't going to take the Celexa then I will because I was being as effected by her drama as she was creating it.  Within months, I was able to take the 'me' out of her problems and that helped us deal with the situation much better... wishing you luck