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Our son's hatred for us for a promise not kept

Started by Louey0727, October 31, 2009, 12:04:56 pm

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2chickiebaby

Unfortunately, she left to go to work for a company and no longer does individual counseling.  If she did, I'd figure out some way to go.  I remember when I walked in the first time the feeling like I was going to the Guillotine.  It was scary.

Memories of the sweet things of the past are so easy to slip back into.  I had to disengage from a close family member because of her adult pervert son.  She should have been protecting her grandchildren but she chose him to protect at all cost. This was not the person who raised me but someone close. 

I think some Mothers choose to protect the weak one or the one they think needs them the most.  This is what she did.  I'm beginning to think that if you can avoid casting out someone you love, do it if you can.  I regret what I did.  At the time I was trying to protect myself from this monster and my grandchildren who might ever be around him.  I never saw her again. 

It's so strange that even when someone dies, their memory lives on and somehow they never really die. They either leave a mark of good or bad.  I don't want to leave a bad mark.   

That's why that saying, "be kinder than necessary because everyone you know is going through some kind of battle whether you know it or not" is so very true!!!

I wonder if that holds true for Daughters in law?  Surely it does.  They are fighting a battle too but because they're so rude (mine is), it's hard to remember to be kinder than necessary. 

I'm going to lose my mind if I don't do something, though.  I hate the holidays.  I dread them.  I'm rambling.

Louey0727

Hi Everyone:
I have to be very honest when I say that since writing to this forum, I feel much better in knowing I am not alone in this situation.  This forum is like a sound board to express the hurt and hearing from people that have nothing to hide (as you don't know them) and reveal their honest feelings. I have very close friends, that never never tell me that they have problems with their adult children ---to them everything is wonderful, wonderful.  So I have learned not to say too much to anyone, which I hold inside and dwell and dwell on our family's fracturing.  The hardest times for me, are the holidays, which stems back to the big family get-togethers my mother had, and when I got married, I wanted my mother to have a break, so I continued on.  It was wonderful - - sometimes 20-30 people came, I even invited people/friends who had no where to go.  Like I said previously, my SIL's never rotated the holiday meals.  My mother and I did not care if they did, as long as we were all together, then my brothers' moved far way after Mom passed on and holidays have never been the same.  I continued all the holiday traditions with my children and tried to invite as many people as I could who were alone, but sadly something was always missing. Oh, how I miss seeing all my children and grandchildren on holidays if only my son knew how much he is hurting us by not being in our lives. I will not stoop to sending presents still to his children, as I know that his wife throws out everything I send.  Before the complete break between my son, he told if you want to give to my children, do not expect any thanks from his wife, just call me over and give me the money or gifts and I will give it to the children. After the break from our son (so much to this story)I just put money on each of the children's account that we started when they were born,  My son and his wife do not know what I do, but that does not matter as I do it for the grandchildren.  I keep up a letter to each grandchild, in the letter which I keep adding to, I tell them of our love for them and due to circumstances beyond our control, we are sorry that we cannot see them.  When the grandchildren reach a comprehension level, I plan on giving the letter to each grandchild for them to make their own decision, whether they want to see us.  As we grow older, we plan to make a copy of the letters and attach the "diary letters" to our Will (as they arenamed in our wills).
The purpose of me keeping up each letter, in which I tell them that I think of them often and remember that your Nanny & Grandpa love you very much.  This up to date letter for the grandchildren was told to us by our lawyer, a very good friend,who had similar clients with the same isolation from their family, and wanted to leave a legacy of love for the grandchildren, which one day will make them feel that we did care and hopefully, if they had wondered about us, will bring peace in their hearts.  Once a month I just type a few lines to each letter, stored on my computer, put the date, and always add- remember that you were never out our minds and we love you dearly. 
I am  going to try to practice the same steps that I have learned at Al-Anon . LET GO AND LET GOD.
Believe me I hurt every minute of the day for the loss of my son and his family but I must get stronger in order to be a good wife and a mother and grandmother to my other children. I will try to practice the steps every day and will let everyone know how I am doing.
Best regards to all you in the same predicament.

just2baccepted

That was very sad to read.  Your pain is very evident.  But I know what you mean about the holidays.  I'm still trying to come up with ideas for things for DH and I to do so we won't feel icky during these times.

My mom told me that her brother cut off their mom because my grandma left their father and she made some bad choices in life.  As my mom put "momma loved to have a good time."  Apparently my grandma was a drinker and liked to get around.   But my mom said that she was still a really good mom and was always there for her kids.  But apparently my mom's brother felt upset because she left his father.  My mom said that my grandmas always regretted leaving their father, it seems like they always do.  My dad kicked us out for a younger women and then begged my mom to come back, she said no though.  I could always tell how sad he was about it because when I'd come to visit him he would just hug me and sob like a baby.  He realized what he did was wrong.  But it was upsetting for a 12 year old to see her father like that.

But my grandma died in her sixties of carbon minoxide poisoning and her and her son never got to rectify their issues.  I remember my mom telling me she dreaded getting letters and calls from her mom because she'd be complaining about how her son treats her and never visits or calls.  So I believe that this is a common thing, fractured families.

Louey0727

Dear Just2baccepted:
My dear when I read your posts, you have endured a lot of painful events in your life and I feel that
you miss having family connections.  I also sense that you are very sensitive to others and their grief from having fractures such as we are writing about.  I believe that putting into words the daily memories of disappointments and hurt we have/or experienced, may lessen as we reach out to others in this forum.  It is especially sad around this time of year, Xmas approaching, when you know as it gets closer, there are parts of your family that you will not hear from or see.  I really do not have the answers, again this year or the last few years, how to cope.  The only mechanisms that seem to work for me, is decorating the house as if I am having a mass of company and keeping myself busy with making a point of getting together with some lady friends/and having a few couples over.  When you get older, these feats take up most of your concentration and energy.
I wish that families would get along, and not concentrate on petty things, as life is so short and frictions take up so much of a persons energy.  It is sad to say, we can pick our friends but not our family but at the same time we can tell a friend why we are annoyed with them and you get over it after discussing how you feel.  With family and children, it is held with grievances.
I seemed to be rattling on and I apologize.


2chickiebaby

I agree, Louey, J2b is a precious person. I wish I could get hold of her MIL and I would let her know that she is missing out on one tender hearted soul who just wanted to be cared for.

I honestly think I could tell her MIL off and I can't tell anyone off. I'd rally for her, though.  She deserves it....all the heartbreak in her life has made her a sensitive soul. 

just2baccepted

Thank you everyone for the nice words, I appreciate it a great deal.  :)

The only mechanisms that seem to work for me, is decorating the house as if I am having a mass of company and keeping myself busy

I do the same thing. I like to decorate the house and then another thing that DH and I do in the month of December is we go up to this historical town and spend the night in one their old historical hotels.  Then we go see their Christmas play and then they put on all sorts of Christmas related things and its all done with a Victorian flair.  I look forward to that every year.  I just got done booking the room and tickets for the play a couple days ago.  So that helps.  But the actual day of Christmas is usually spent alone.  Its just that specific day that reminds you or having bad family relationships or the fact that we can't have kids.  But you know I try not to feel sorry for myself.  Because I have much to be thankful for.

Louey0727

Dear 2chickiebaby:
I second the vote for just2beaccepted.  She seems so sensitive to others plights and really does not put down the people in her life who have caused her so much pain, , she just is relaying her story.
If I had  such a sensitive loving person like her as a DIL or even another daughter, she would be my pick.
What I am finding out, since writing on this forum, that there are so many nice people out there who can read into your pain and they are actually going through their own trials and tribulations, but find the time to make you feel good.  I myself, had made a resolution (not a New Year's one) but a permanent resolution - to be more attentive to strangers especially the elderly, giving them a smile, asking how they are today/or boy! do you like nice today.  I tried this yesterday at Zellers, because are so many widows/widowers and they appear sad and lonely.  I made a point of walking up to a table with three elderly ladies having coffee, and I said Good Morning Girls and I would sometimes turn around and joke with them.  Their faces were lit up, as I left they said to me HAVE A GOOD DAY YOUNG LADY - - there was not an extreme difference in our ages.  This made me feel good and hopefully it also made these lovely ladies day more cheery.
I too am very sensitive, and here in lies my problems, I am always trying to make other people happy and their happiness brings great joy to me.  Unfortunately, the kindness is not noticed or appreciated and this is where my problems lies.  What do I want!  I want just a Thank You not Thanks and some show of appreciation on their faces.
Here, I go again rattling on, but when I write on this form I feel like to am talking to friends.
Regards

2chickiebaby

You are talking to friends, Louey.  I think we're all the same on here, sensitive souls...too sensitive for our own good. J2B is one of us.

I love what you did yesterday for the ladies and I do find that I am better making someone happy.  It makes me happy. 

Today is one of the worst days of my life...I feel like if I start crying, I'll never stop.  I've wondered what is going to become of me.  I can't seem to face the fact that this has happened to us.  It has been 16 years and I'm still the same. 

I have to go to close DILs and have Thanksgiving with son and distant DIL.  The thought of it makes me so sad.  I can't be myself.  If I don't go, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be over forever for my husband and me.  I have nowhere to turn.  I can't ask them, "why?" because I will be called a manipulator, needy, dramatic, a guilter...

I just have it all back in my lap and can't get rid of it.  It's like a cancer that has landed on me.  Sorry for the ramblings.  Looks like after all this time I'd get used to this but it never leaves me. 

Louey0727

Dear 2chickiebaby:
What is making you so sad and why are you not looking forward to being with your DIL's, am I being too nosy?
I know exactly how you feel, I encountered the same feelings the few days that my son & DIL invited us over for one of the children's birthday party.  I was completely ignored, what I brought over (at my son's request, perogyi, cabbage rolls, cole slaw, baking etc.).  The food was not acknowledged by my DIL or her family, and in some cases they took a bite of the food.  My present was never opened and sometimes was thrown (my son told me, which he should have not, when he had a fight with his mate).  He told me straight, you will never receive thanks from her so call us over (my son and children) and give it to them at your house.  Her hatred for me, especially, was so evident.  When I went over, I would just leave the food on the counter and go and circulate with their company.  Everyone else was very pleasant and I always try to have a good time, even under these strained conditions.  When leaving, my DIL and her family never walked us to the door or said thanks you for anything and goodbye and thank you for coming.  So the last few times we went over, I went over empty handed, and I actually did not feel bad.  On  few occasions I was busy playing in the backyard with my grandchildren and did not notice people going into the house, until my husband came out and said don't you want to eat.  I was never called in to eat and when my DIL was in the backyard asking people what they would like to drink, she always bypassed me. Believe it or not, it hurt a little, but I always said to myself, judge where it comes from. Manners and respect have to be taught by your parents and I can state her parents did not have any of these qualities.  I am not saying we are any better than them only that these traits are taught and I tried to teach them to my children and that Is one of the things that made proud, how they thanked people and treated other people with respect (maybe not with me, but with others).
When you go to these functions, keep busy talking to other guests or play with the children or just sit and watch and talk to your husband. Forget about the people who are making you sad- if you show this weakness, remember they are gaining strength and to themselves they say "I gotcha".  When mothers like us have to face a difficult situation like yours, we must remember to focus on other things at the function.
Please be strong, think of nice things and most of all remember to like yourself and it will shine through, maybe not to your DIL's but who care's anyways, as long as you are still invited, it is a meal out and you get to see people who you love.  Nothing is wrong with you, if people cannot deal with you - - it is their problem.  I like you and I don't even know youbut your sensitive nature shows through in your writings and that is what I like in people, sensitivity and caring.


2chickiebaby

Thank you, Louey,
What is making me so sad is all the things you mentioned in your situation.  I feel like a punching bag.  I can't understand how anyone can be cruel to someone's Mother and get away with it.

I am going to try to concentrate on what you said to do and try to pay attention to the kids.  That helps.  Thank you.  It leaves Christmas to get through now too.  Too much for me.  I'm not expecting anything but DIL picking up the check for her kids and off she goes.  That's why she's coming. 

I don't understand being used.  Anyway, thank you so much

mom2

Our family has been dysfunctional for 10 Yrs. now and it still rips me apart. Although we are distant and I have peace ( as far as my sanity ) it still hurts so much. I wish I just knew what happened or what the problem is and maybe I could work on fixing it. I am human so I won't say I never did anything wrong but it was not intentional if I did.

Every other year or so we get invited to our sons/Dils for a Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner but it's uncomfortable because I really don't feel like I'm wanted ( more out of maybe an obligation ? ). I have tried to, when I'm there, to focus on the grandson but later hear that I had insulted DIL by not paying more attention to her, however, if I sit where she's at I don't even get spoken to so what is the happy medium?? OMG!! I just wish I had an answer.

J2B,
You are a young woman/DIL and you seem to be so very sweet and genuine, maybe you can tell us what you would like to have in a MIL ( as far as, how much should she do and when is it that she has crossed the line?).

2chickiebaby

I know what you mean, Mom2....you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  It is totally hopeless. 

If you show weakness to the DIL, she takes that as a victory, like a lion. If you show strength, she takes that as an insult.  I am weak anyway so it will be a miracle if I can hold up under this. 

There is no middle ground and we will all have to post our stories of what we did on that day.  I used to love this time of year...not now.  Too hard on us. 

We can each think of each other on that day so we will know we're not alone in this. 

Pen

For sure, I'll be thinking of everyone. I will enjoy whatever I can, even if it's just one little thing. Right now I have a centerpiece on the table with small pumpkins, candles, pomegranates, and red and gold leaves from my liquid ambar and flowering pear. It makes me smile to see it. Speaking of smiling, I'm just now remembering a lesson from "the FlyLady" (google it.) She mostly helps people get organized, but sometimes her wisdom is transferable (like Luise.) She says if it doesn't make you smile, get it out of your life! And, you can do anything for 15 minutes. If I have to take Thanksgiving 15 mins at a time, that's what I'll do.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Louey0727

Dear chickiebaby:
I just had a thought reading your post wherein you said :dammed if you do dammed if you don't"--
my thought was why not just be ourselves, feel comfortable as being normally ourselves and damm to everyone".  I see no reason, that we have to plan ahead, what to say, what to do, what not too say and what not to do.  I would rather just attend whatever function and let the cards fall as they may.  There is too much wasted energy on our parts to be careful not to step on anyone's toes.  You would not act that way around a group of friends, you try to make confortable and let yourself be you.  Why must we wear a cloak to hide our true personalities. One thing, that I know what to control, and it usually works.  I always go into these dinners hoping to meet new people and have a good time.  If the people who are indifferent to you and the way you act, again "tough luck" you get what you see.  Never comprise with your true nature.  If you tend to be quiet, remain your usual way, if you tend to be one of the party, also continue that way.  I am sure that if you go to any function and be yourself, after the party, quests will say to DIL/son, what a nice mother and lots of fun not  stick in the mud which is exactly what your DIL's are or they would practice on being a good hostess and give everyone an equally good time.  If yours/or mine DIL's continue their nasty ways, I can guarantee that they will be lonely old women with no contact from their children-this is "pay back time". I believe one reason that most DIL's dislike us, is that they cannot overcome their insecurities with our sons and want them only to themselves, in their minds, is there is no room for another woman to love her mate.  You  are not considered "the mother" you are considered another woman.  I might add at this time, that I find most men have no 'back'bones' when it comes down to their wives and their mothers - - they will always take the side of their wife.  Don't forget they have to live with them and get the daily flack.  I believe we should have a forum with comments to sons, making them understand that mothers do have a place in line and we do not want them back or to break up their union.  "We just want to be mothers who are needed sometimes and shown love and appreciation. We want to be part of their family and do not want to put on facade, we want to be able to enjoy each other normally.

just2baccepted

J2B,
  maybe you can tell us what you would like to have in a MIL ( as far as, how much should she do and when is it that she has crossed the line?).


Before I met my DH my sister was married to a guy w/ a really big, close family.  They got together regularly.  You name it, b-days, holidays, etc.  My BIL's sister's husband's mother was killed in the OKC bombing so her husband got a significant amount of money, so he bought a lakehouse, a large boat, and a sea-do.  Everybody would meet at the lakehouse and go out on the boat and have a great time.  My BIL would ask me to go along b/c I didn't have a boyfriend or DH so I guess he felt sorry for me.  But I tell you what I had a great time with his family.  They even invited me over for Christmas.  They would all sit around the table and play cards and other board games.  How fun!!  They were so nice and accepting of me and they weren't even my IL's!!  Not only were they accepting of my sister but they accepted her tag along little sister as well!  So I guess I had a colored view of what IL's would be like. I was in for a rude awakening.

I would have loved to have IL's like this.  But at the same time I would want all that to be scheduled and I don't think I'd like drop ins b/c I would want my house to look decent before someone dropped by.  With IL's like my sister used to have I would love to have seen them maybe 3-4X a month or even more.  Dinner, BBQ's, playing cards for sure, lake visits definitely.  But then again just my personality but I like my down time as well and my DH really does.  So sheduled visits would be the best for me.  My mom says I'm not spontaneous enough.  She says I act too old.  I tell her I just prefer to plan things out, that's just the way I am.  Shopping, craft fairs etc. with a nice MIL would be great.  I was really looking for MIL to be like a friend to me, but that wasn't meant to be.  I would like to have a family that was treated like a group of good friends. ( I hate to report but my sister lost this wonderful family, by choosing drugs over her family, she lost her DH and her wonderful children.  She sees them but has no custody.)

Well w/ the IL's that I have now I would have to say a very limited relationship since my MIL tries to tear me down to my DH.  So I just don't trust her anymore.  Nice to my face but vile behind my back.  I could be forgiving and let it slide but my fear is that her comments about me would affect the way my DH feels about me.  He admits that early in the marriage his mom probably did have an effect on how he looked at me.  I remember saying to him a lot, "you make me feel like I'm a bad person."  What a punch in the gut for me to find years later was because his mom's disapproval of me and comments about me to him WERE in fact having an effect on how he looked a me. 

DH has apologized and insisted he will never let his mom color his thinking about me again.  After all this has occurred and I've had time to really look at the situation I believe this:  something happened in my MIL's childhood to make her insecure and extremely jealous and territorial.  That this has nothing to do w/ me but her insecurities.  And my just being in her son's life has magnified those insecurities.  That's my take on it.






She says if it doesn't make you smile, get it out of your life! And, you can do anything for 15 minutes

Oh boy I like that!  That's the motto I plan to live by from now on, I just hope it doesn't make me become selfish.  I want to protect myself from abuse w/o being selfish.