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DIL feeling threatened?

Started by Pen, February 11, 2011, 08:31:19 AM

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holliberri

Yes, way more interesting. And, b/c we are so noncommital, both of our parents have learned to enjoy the element of surprise.

In October:

MIL invited us down to see them in VA. We weren't sure how we'd feel. I got up that morning (it was beautiful out) and I said "Let's go." DH was like, "Where?" I said, "We're going to see your parents. We'll call them on the way down."

We called an hour from our destination, and I don't think they could've been happier. I think they appreciated that so much more than having it planned a month in advance.

LaurieS

I love when something feels right at that moment... to wake up and say, yep this is how I feel today and go with it, I think says a lot about self confidence.  Like you said your in-law were thrilled by the spontaneous show of caring.. so much better then feeling like you're locked in, contract signed.. there's no turning back.

Pen

Yes, & who really wants to be the recipient of the duty-call anyway?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cd1029

Son does not have to interrupt his visit with you to read her texts.  That is a choice.  He is responsible for it, not her.

Pen

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 11, 2011, 12:14:33 PM
Laurie- that is so strange.  It's like some weird switch was flipped randomly. 

Pen- what about you?  Was your DIL like this before they got engaged or anything?  I just don't understand why a guy would want to marry someone like this.

OW, that's exactly what it was like! Sweet as could be, very accepting and respectful during the engagement. Suddenly after the wedding we found out she hated us and didn't want anything to do with us. She and her FOO actually shunned us at an event. To say we were hurt, stunned & confused doesn't even begin to cover it.

My theory is that it was all an act; she had an agenda and did what she had to do to make it happen. Once she had what she wanted she didn't have to pretend to like us anymore. I think it happens more often than people realize. We're still caught up with the "evil MIL" stereotypes so we don't see what's going on in some parts of DIL land.

Who knew DS was such a catch that someone would go through so much to land him? LOL

Quote from: cd1029 on February 11, 2011, 07:40:55 PM
Son does not have to interrupt his visit with you to read her texts.  That is a choice.  He is responsible for it, not her.

True, but can you imagine the heck he'd have to deal with when he got home?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

Quote from: cd1029 on February 11, 2011, 07:40:55 PM
Son does not have to interrupt his visit with you to read her texts.  That is a choice.  He is responsible for it, not her.
I agree wholeheartedly... this is his responsibility and choice.  He is allowing her to dictate to him that he be rude to his parents while visiting.. wow rather fubared.

Pen

My point wasn't that DIL was interrupting our time together, my point was that she couldn't let him be away from her without constantly reminding him that she was the main event. I honestly don't know how DS handled the texts, just that she was incessantly texting him. Bzzz Bzzzz Bzzzz. Sometimes he'd look and put the phone down, sometimes he'd text back briefly. Sometimes he ignored it completely.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

JaneF

Gee whiz, I am SURE I have said this before on one post or another, but I think Pen and I have the same DIL!!! Everything you say matches what has happened to us too. Sad that this happens more often than some folks know huh? Just a month ago I was at the salon getting my monthly "hairdo", and DIL's relatives showed up since they go to same salon and actually have same hairdresser. Now mind you my DS has been with my DIL for over a dozen years, so her FOO KNOWS US by sight, but as I stood right in front of them talking (less than 2 feet away), they refused to acknowledge me at all or say hello even! I was shocked, so I just said my goodbye and quietly left. I don't understand that FOO at all. The relatives that snubbed me were pastor and wife...how nice. My DIL's parents divorced a year ago, in part due to her MOTHERS infidelity (was told this by their own family). More than one occurence over a 27 year span. When DIL's mom was at same event as DIL's dad, and he had his new girlfriend with him they got into a spat. I might add that this event was about DIL's DADS family, nothing to do with DIL's moms family at all, they should not have been there! Anyway, DIL's mom started the fuss by saying something nasty to the new girlfriend (called her a name basically "tramp"). The new girlfriend said "I am not the one that was unfaithful in my marriage, you were", so it isn't my fault you are not together. The pastors wife (who happens to be my DIL's grandmother) jumped right in to rescue her daughter (DIL's mother) and said this to new girlfriend...Are you ready??? "SHE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!". Are you serious? I am pretty sure the pastor in many years of sermons probably mentioned adultery at SOME POINT, or at least mentioned right and wrong! If you do not know that being unfaithful in your marriage is wrong by the time you are 30 and 40 years old, there might be a problem somewhere! IMHO of course!!! These same people are the ones that get 100 percent of all holidays and other family stuff, we get zero. Pen, I totally understand and could tell you stories about my DIL and her FOO that would curl your hair! I would need an entire week to write it all down. They never fail to shock me. And DS allows all of it, can't or won't stand up to any of it...no spine at all. Last time he did, they separated and DIL got him for large child support order and he was not allowed to see thye child at all. He re-married her to make his life "EASIER"??? Now her control is 100 times worse than it was before knowing he will just follow like a whipped pup, makes me sad.

Nana

Pen I am so sorry that you have to be dealing with this issue. 
What is the matter with your dil?  Why call or text his son when he is spending time with you.  Obviously she does feel insecure when he is with you.  Or she might think you will put things in your son's head.  She needs to control overything.  Well How annoying anyway.  And Pen....nothing you can do.  Just count to 10 everytime she does this...

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Mariatobe

Or for that matter, what's wrong with your son that he can't leave his phone in the car for an hour.  He feels the need to be in constant touch with her too.  She can only be in control if he lets her.  And he is.

AnonymousDIL

How long have they been married?

Pen

Honestly, if your DH was spending the day with his parents and did not acknowledge your calls or texts wouldn't you be livid when he got home? Give the poor guy a break - he was trying to be a responsible husband. She may have had car trouble or something.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Mariatobe

Yes, you're right.  It's all her fault.

holliberri

Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:43:26 PM
True, but can you imagine the heck he'd have to deal with when he got home?

Pen,

Maybe he needs to deal with it. Maybe a confrontation with her would put him on better footing to respect his boundaries (even spouses have them!). She would understand why her texts aren't getting answered, and wouldn't have a reason to text or call.

LaurieS

Good Morning Pen.... I know you've had so few chances to see your son that you are trying not to rock the boat.. but have you ever had the chance to ask him about all this? Has the fact that it almost appears (at least on the surface) that he is at her beck and call, ever come into conversation?  I'm sure he doesn't fear her, and I would hope that she doesn't retaliate in any manner after he arrives home. 

Of course Ican not speak for your son, but when your new dil announced that, as you put it, she hates you.. did you son ever say what those feelings and statement were based on? Is there anything that you can see that could lead to a more positive outcome?  Most importantly, has he ever said how he views his relationship with his wife and her family?

The phone game when he is visiting you is a control issue ... once he verified that she was not in any trouble, it would have been nice to see him not acknowledge the incoming messages... I know with my own dd, that she almost goes crazy if she can not at least look at a incoming message even if she doesn't reply.  I know it's not the incoming buzz that gets to you.. it's the fact that she can basically control his time with you even from afar.