DIL feeling threatened?

[Pen]

In my situation, DIL & DS have plenty of time alone together & to hang out with her FOO, but none for us. They see them daily. We get the leftovers if anything. DIL is able to see her FOO w/o DS often, DS has only seen us w/o DIL 4 X in as many years. DH & I have refused to talk about DIL on those occasions when he was venting about her shunning of us; we told DS to work it out with his wife because she was his priority now. As I said in my OP, he calls or texts when she's away so I know he thinks about us and wishes we could be closer. Again, my involvement was over (according to DIL) when I gave birth to DS. Spawn & die. DS has been absorbed into a new, shinier family.  It hurts a lot.

[Tara]

Pen, 

Yes, it does hurt alot.  My dil has apparently now managed to shut out my ds entire extended family and myself.


Clover,  I am semi retired now and hearing your schedule sure brought back memories.    I don't know how you do it.
this is a little off topic but in recent years I have found if I'm getting sick, if I just rest and take it easy, it goes away super
fast, but realized when you work (or have young kids) you don't have that luxury.  You seem like a very reasonable person
with a tight schedule.  I love how you take a half day off to spend time with your mom. 

My step dtr also takes off from work, and works from home when we go visit. 

[Pen]

Tara, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope things change, somehow. (Do you need your car repaired? It worked for Faithlooksup...)

Clover, we had busy schedules too - both of us taking classes, 2 kids, one disabled, all the kids activities, PT, OT, 2 jobs outside the home each equalling more than full-time, & "we" time when we could get a sitter. Somehow we managed to participate in family gatherings while we still had family to gather with. Now that our extended family has shrunk due to deaths and moves, I'm glad we took the time. My kids are, too.

BTW, does your DS take time off to see his DM? Would you have a problem with it if he did?

[AnonymousDIL]

BTW, does your DS take time off to see his DM? Would you have a problem with it if he did?

I know the question wasn't for me, but it made me think.... Hmmmm.... Firstly, I would never take off work to spend time with my mom. (Sorry mom, I DO love you!). My vacation is so limited and it is for DH and I to take trips together. Maybe 2-3 days with my brother and his wife if we can stand them for that long. We've learned that a whole week is TOO much time with them lol. But NEVER again with His family. The last ime was too much. I could handle a day trip with them though just nothing over 24 hours at a time.

Would I mind if DH took off work to visit his mom? DH gets the same vacation amount that I do. And well, that's for us. BUT he does have some accrued comp time. If he wants to use that to go see his mom, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

[Pooh]

I'm with you Pen.  I have said before, I too had a too-hectic schedule but still managed to see both sides of the family.  I do think that it does make a big difference in the feelings about it too if you have the knowledge that the other side of the family is getting plenty of time.  Everyone has the right how to decide to spend their time, and if they were not visiting anyone, it would be easier to swallow.

[seasage]

As I said in my OP, he calls or texts when she's away so I know he thinks about us and wishes we could be closer. Again, my involvement was over (according to DIL) when I gave birth to DS. Spawn & die. DS has been absorbed into a new, shinier family.  It hurts a lot.

Exactly our situation also.  He never calls or sends an email unless he is between the bus stop and the office door, or is in an airport without DIL.  Still, we feel very lucky, because he comes home once a year --- without DIL, of course, because she will have nothing to do with us.

[holliberri]

Geez,

DH's commute is an hour and a half with traffic at times. I'm pretty sure he calls his mom during that time, just b/c I do ask him if he's talked to them.

My commute is lengthy too, so if I need to call people, that's when I do it.

When we're around each other we're off the phone. Very simple. It's not a rule, but it's how it worked out. We enjoy the company on the phone as we slug on home. He doesn't turn down a phone call if it pops in, but he isn't making them.

I hope no one is thinking that he is afraid to talk to them while I'm around, b/c I just don't think it's the case.

[seasage]

I'm with you Pen.  I have said before, I too had a too-hectic schedule but still managed to see both sides of the family.  I do think that it does make a big difference in the feelings about it too if you have the knowledge that the other side of the family is getting plenty of time.  Everyone has the right how to decide to spend their time, and if they were not visiting anyone, it would be easier to swallow.

Pooh, I also know how hard that is to swallow.  I used to be a little bit jealous that DS and DIL invite her FOO to spend many days/weeks in their home each year.  We are not welcome there.  DS wants us to come, but for DIL it would be "over my dead body".  She has said she would leave home if we were there.  DS and DIL spend all the holidays with her FOO, plus lots of other vacations away with them.  We get nothing except a once-a-year visit from DS.  I am learning to cherish those visits and not ask for more.  I am slowly coming to accept the status quo.  I believe I can accept it because I still get a little bit of time with DS.  I can accept it because I am slowly becoming a WildWoman, with many online friends here.

[Pooh]

I understand completely seasage and I too have come many, many eons in my thinking and acceptance since joining here.  I have accepted that he chooses to not make us part of his life.  Regardless if it's her, him or a combination of both, I have accepted it and just hope someday, he will change his mind.

[justus]

Pen,
I think with your DIL there are a lot of issues that have nothing to do with you. First, that situation with her FOO is going to blow up and probably when they have kids. I hope your DIL will grow up enough to make a family with your DS that is separate from her FOO. And, I think that is the crux of the problem, she is not separate from her FOO. They sound totally enmeshed. If this is true, then I would bet it is considered disloyal for her to consort with and even like or grow fond of you.

My own M was completely jealous of my first MIL. She thought xMIL would replace her in my heart. It was a ridiculous fear, but a common one for my M. She was threatened by anyone who might take precedence over her in her children's lives. If we had not moved away immediately, I imagine I would have been very much like your DIL. I was responsible for my M's emotional well-being and if that meant I had to limit my and even H's time and relationships with his FOO so that she would feel secure in our relationship, well, I would have done that. It was what I was trained to do from infancy and I knew nothing different. Besides, by M is a master manipulator. Moving away was the best thing I could have done.  I grew up, and eventually cut her off because she expected me to put her ahead of my DH.

I know some women like this who are so enmeshed with their FOO that there isn't room for ILs and they expect their DH's to just go along. It isn't just DILs who are like this, on the DIL boards, plenty of them complain that their H's family is like this, jealous and controlling.

Whatever the issue is, it really does come down to the spouse who is not from the enmeshed family. That person has to put his/her foot down and follow through whatever the consequences.

[willingtohelp]

I know I typed a reply, but for some reason it isn't here.  If it is and I'm just too tired to notice it, forgive me please.  I want to make one thing clearer, I'm not taking weekly time off to see my mom.  She'll visit for a long weekend 2-3 times a year, and when she does, I'll take a half day on the Friday before and the Monday after off. 

As far as how I'd feel if my husband took a day off to see the ILs, I'm a "unique" situation.  We put my ILs in a long time out (we did tell them why) and they recently sought counseling and have begun making changes in their life.  We are beginning to renew a relationship, so at this time it would be odd for that to happen.  But assuming we had an OK relationship (and I give a lot of wiggle room for what counts as OK.  I'm saying that if ILs haven't cursed me or DH out, been violent with either of us, etc) and all his "chores were done" then that time is his to use as he sees fit (with the reasonable exclusion of extramarital affairs, strippers, etc). 

I agree that time outs or shunning without any explanation and an expectation to "brush things under the rug" afterwards is absurd.  I don't see how that could ever fix something.  But I think that clearly saying "I don't approve of X behavior and won't be around you when you're doing it" is acceptable and sometimes necessary.  And it takes a strong person to buck the "that's just how they are" mantra and say that "I'm not OK with that and that's just how I am".   

To those who have pointed out that they found time, maybe my DH and I just aren't as "family oriented".  We live states away from our families, so we can't do the quick dinner together.  There have been a ton of events we've sent a gift to because the travel would require too much time off of work.  And it's not that we're spending this time on a great vacation because we haven't been on one of those in six years.  There are plenty of nights he has to work late or I'm stuck at work, and even some weekends where one of us has to go in.  We chose to have full schedules, and now with our daughter, it's even fuller.  And when we're asked to prioritize, our daughter will come first, followed by our work, then anything extra.  And at least among my colleagues, we not odd.  I do take time off when my mom comes to town, but I'll admit, if she came at a time when it wasn't convenient, I wouldn't take the time.  And if she visited more than a couple of times a year, I wouldn't. 

For Pen, I'm sorry you don't get to see your son alone.  The only advice I can give is to speak up and ask him for more time.  He's really the one in charge of his "me" time and how it's spent and the best person to make it happen.  Or to at least explain why he can't if he's too busy.

                                                                                                         

[Nana]

Seasage and Pen

I am so sorry that things are not good with dil and having time with son.  In your case Pen at least you know that son is not happy about the way wife is handling the relationship with you.  You know he loves you.  And as mothers, as much as we are hurting, we care more for our sons having a good marriage, because as you said, now wife ishould be his priority.
Sad that both things cannot be accomplished when dil is not willing to include us in their lives.


Believe that things can change.  I wish to hear from you a success story just like Faith just had.  I keep you all mil's/dil's who are hurting in my prayers.  We first have to accept things we cannot change, move forward, and then...time will tell. 

Love you all ladies.

[seasage]

Nana,

I always look forward to reading your posts because they are so comforting.  Thank you for being here.

Love to you too.

[Pen]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses. I am very grateful that DS indicates he loves us. Not all the moms here have that and it breaks my heart.

Every day I visualize peace and harmony between WWU and the people who are causing us pain. I truly hope we can get the outcomes that are best for all parties involved.

[Pen]

Update:

DS has been contacting us and DIL has been very polite and friendly. We've met up a couple of times and enjoyed each other's company. DS continues to make it clear that he appreciates all we've done for him and that we aren't as pushy as DIL's FOO. I must remember this when I start feeling sorry for myself or envious because DIL's FOO is getting the bulk of DS's time.

I'm so very grateful for the support of all of you; without this site I can think of a million ways I could have totally botched it by now.