MIL #1 and MIL #2

[LaurieS]

Even my own mother doesn't drop in without calling first and she is 5 minutes walking distance away. I think it is a very rude thing to do on anyone's part. It shows a complete lack of consideration for the person you are dropping in on. Even if their house is spotless etc. maybe they just don't want any visitors.

If my phone didn't ring beforehand, no one is allowed in my house.

My house is far from dirty, but it isn't spotless. I just don't have the time to keep it spotless. But it will only take me 30 minutes to get it that way.

See that is the difference between you and I.. and possibly why I don't have the same issues with my mil as you do... You are all about control... If my phone didn't ring beforehand, no one is allowed in my house.

Yes OW...I believe in being polite, and I think it would depend on their reasons for stopping by.. to borrow something, to drop off something.. I don't typically barge into someones house uninvited and lounge for the afternoon.

[holliberri]

Pen's got an awesome point:

I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?

Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. 

[AnonymousDIL]

Well, it is not MIL's opr anyone else's house. So here she has to play by our rules. And it is our rule. If you don't call, you don't get to come in. So far, there hasn't been any issue with people going by that. They know I don't like people dropping in and they Respect that. It isn't about control. It is about respect for my feelings.

[overwhelmed123]

Well, it is not MIL's opr anyone else's house. So here she has to play by our rules. And it is our rule. If you don't call, you don't get to come in. So far, there hasn't been any issue with people going by that. They know I don't like people dropping in and they Respect that. It isn't about control. It is about respect for my feelings.

ADIL- I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, but what you said is a little contradictory.  You just said "it is our rule." and then "It isn't about control."  It is.  If you don't open the door just to prove to them that they WILL follow your rules, that makes it about control.  Could be BOTH control (by proving a point) and ALSO respect for your feelings, but let's be fair here.  You're proving a point- and the point is that you make and control the rules for your own house.

[LaurieS]

LOL.. sounds like control to me

[LaurieS]

Pen's got an awesome point:

I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?

Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. 

Awww just yesterday you told me that I could stop in and even vacuum if it made me feel better.

[justme]

Is the issue really "dropping in unanounced," or is it the way things were communicated?  Surely we all recognize that home should be a place where we feel safe and have a certain amount of control in a world where we have very little control.  But there is a huge difference between telling someone "my way or the highway" and "gee mom, I'm glad you like to come over.  Would you mind calling in the future, because I feel really uncomfortable welcoming guests when I'm not prepared."  Of course, there are times the we must be adamant if our requests are not honoured.  But still, respectful communication should be the place where we begin.

[holliberri]

Pen's got an awesome point:

I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?

Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. 

Awww just yesterday you told me that I could stop in and even vacuum if it made me feel better.

I told you, houseguests are always welcome if they work. The curtains need washing too.

[LaurieS]

Yes respectful communication is where it always begins.  In the perfect world that is where it would end as well.

[LaurieS]

Pen's got an awesome point:

I'm willing to bet some visitors wouldn't drop by if they were invited once in awhile. And...for the planners among us, doesn't that give us the chance to make our house spiffy and nice?

Honestly, if you stop by unannounced, you're still allowed in my house. I'm just a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to take you out to lunch. 

Awww just yesterday you told me that I could stop in and even vacuum if it made me feel better.

I told you, houseguests are always welcome if they work. The curtains need washing too.

isn't that funny... I love washing curtains... so much so.. I don't have any in my new house.

[holliberri]

Hm...now there's a thought. No curtains...no washing curtains. Kind of like decorative pillows...pointless.

[overwhelmed123]

I have no curtains and enjoy my life free of curtain washing!  I do, however, have decorative pillows...although I don't know why.  We rarely even put our normal bedspread on our bed because my cat has taken to playing on the bed in the pillows...and his claws don't mesh well with the bedspread and pillows.  Now we only put the bedspread and pillows on the bed when it can be supervised...man, I don't need any kids, I have a 2 year old cat.

[AnonymousDIL]

Surely we all recognize that home should be a place where we feel safe and have a certain amount of control in a world where we have very little control. 

That's exactly it. Perhaps my word choice as far as it being a house rule was a poor one. It is my house. It is where I feel safe. I know that outside of my house I have no power over what is being done, but in my house I can. Everyone I know is actually very good with this one. My Mom and SIL have the same "rule" with their houses. They don't like to be surprised either.

DH dealt with the issue with his mother because it upset me so much the first time she decided to drop in. That would be the time where she said DH invited her when he did not. He didn't even know she'd be in the area. Also the time she yelled at us for sleeping together before we were married (we did not mind you. I was not raised that way). Her "proof" was that when I unpacked DH's clothes I put them in the master bedroom because it seemed silly to put them in the guest room only to move them in another month. Funny she didn't comment about his air mattress being in the guest room. Since then she hasn't dropped in unannounced. But she has been invited over multiple times.

[lancaster lady]

Jkm......MIL 2 ......Is DS 2  the last DS/DD to be married? Maybe you're not ready for that empty  nest ! Perhaps resentful of this person stealing your last child .Maybe this doesn't apply to you ,it was just a thought  . Or it could be that the two DIL are totally different ..and you prefer one over the other ....

[overwhelmed123]

Also, just for giggles, I wanted to add that I could always tell my ILs resented me.  They would claim they had no problems with me, but their actions proved otherwise.  It later came out that they do in fact dislike me and think I'm the only problem.  It wasn't a coincidence that I was able to pick up on their feelings through their interactions with me and my DH.  So, if you truly don't like her, you may be letting on through your actions and she may be picking up on it.  Only you know how you really feel.  Just food for thought.