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MIL #1 and MIL #2

Started by jkm426, February 11, 2011, 03:33:47 AM

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seasage

February 11, 2011, 07:27:17 AM #15 Last Edit: February 11, 2011, 07:34:43 AM by seasage

Did that old Cherokee forget to mention what one feeds an evil MIL?   Rules.


Pen

Hey, I'm not evil but they put me on that diet anyway  >:(
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

seasage

February 11, 2011, 07:42:43 AM #18 Last Edit: February 11, 2011, 07:47:40 AM by seasage
Quote from: Pen on February 11, 2011, 07:37:06 AM
Hey, I'm not evil but they put me on that diet anyway  >:(

Yes, but remember that evil MILs live within the DIL, not without.  Perhaps your DIL is all choked up over her rules for you?


Pen

Oh, right. My bad. No, my DIL has pretty much got it all the way she likes it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

seasage

Mine also.  Her #1 rule:  MIL not allowed in my house, else I leave.  I won't challenge this rule.

LaurieS

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on February 11, 2011, 05:57:24 AM
JKM, Think back to when 1st son got married. Were things all rosy with DIL1 at that point in time? Do you and DIL1 have more similar "laid-back" personalities? And how are things really between you and DS2? Does he have some kind of pent up resentment towards you for being overly involved or anything like that? Don't immediately assume it is the DIL, a LOT of the times it is the DS. It is a phase. He will outgrow it.

DS2 and DIL2 may be setting boundaries now so things don't get bad in the future. This is actually a good thing. Play by the boundaries now and they will be relaxed later on. It will make your relationship better. If you push the boundaries now, it will only get you cut out of their life. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen.

Some people don't think it is "rude" to just drop in on someone's house unannounced. But, some people find it traumatizing. I'm like that. I HATE when people drop in on me. My house might not be clean and I don't want anyone to see my mess. My MIL dropped in once prior to the wedding. Oh, wait she LIED to me and told me that FH told her to come when he did not. (Note to MIL's, Please, PLEASE, don't play your son against his wife. Don't try to get him in trouble with his wife.) So, if DIL2 doesn't want you to "drop in" it doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you at all, just that she wants everything to be "perfect" when you come over because she feels that you are judging her ability to properly care for your son.

And it is "tradition" that the MOG's dress be approved by the bride (I didn't personally do this because I wasn't worried about it). But they do that so the dresses don't clash with the bridal party and each other. It isn't meant to be offensive. I do know that SOME Bride's do take that a bit too far though, but as a general rule it was just so nothing clashed.

It's all control issues.. especially that dress crap.

overwhelmed123

I can honestly say I don't want people coming over unannounced because I have anxiety and that heightens it.  My own parents know to call before and ask to make sure it's okay.  It's not about control for me, it honestly just gives me anxiety.

But that "approving" the dress thing....that is a TOTAL power play.  So controlling.  I had no idea what my MIL was wearing until the day of the wedding.  It was awful, but hey, that was her choice and it didn't bother me one bit.

Rejected

JKM,
Just a question. Do you treat both your sons the same? With respect and like adults? Just wondering because in my situation for the 2 sons that live the closest to my MIL, my DH(the youngest) and his B(2 yrs older than DH), my MIL treats the B & his wife like she would her friends, she respects them and they hang out weekly and spend almost every holiday together. She and the DIL(B's wife) actually go shopping together. On the other hand she treats her youngest(my DH) like a child, shows no respect, will yell & swear at him, and much more. Because of this we rarely see her, except for holidays & special occasions.
"Women are Angels and when someone breaks our wings... we simply continue to fly --- on a broomstick... we are flexible."  ~Anonymous

LaurieS

I'll give you that much if you have some medical issue.. but I've heard.. oh my I could be running around the house without a bra.... my house could be a wreck... I could be in the middle of peeing.... those are all control bs reasons.  You can simply say.. I prefer you call first.. but you know I don't care how dirty my house is.. my kids are always welcomed.. guest for that matter.... more importantly I found that if it bothered me to have guest see a dirty house.. then don't keep a dirty house... why close off family for such silly reasons.

holliberri

I think that depends on whether someone invites themself for the entire afternoon unannounced, or if they just stop by for a minute to drop something off. There might be a difference there.

There also might be a difference if they remark on how clean the house is and eyeroll because you haven't found the time to dust. If they make it clear my house isn't to their liking (which it's not even to my liking at the  moment, so no visitors please!), I will try to meet your expectations next time around, notice would be helpful, that way the person is much more comfortable. 

There might also be a difference if they call before they stop by, or don't get upset if we don't answer the door because we're sleeping or in the shower.


AnonymousDIL

Even my own mother doesn't drop in without calling first and she is 5 minutes walking distance away. I think it is a very rude thing to do on anyone's part. It shows a complete lack of consideration for the person you are dropping in on. Even if their house is spotless etc. maybe they just don't want any visitors.

If my phone didn't ring beforehand, no one is allowed in my house.

My house is far from dirty, but it isn't spotless. I just don't have the time to keep it spotless. But it will only take me 30 minutes to get it that way.

LaurieS

I agree... I've had comments made because my car was in the driveway.. that is an indicator that I may be home but it's not an absolute...   I've had very close friends that could pop in and stay for the afternoon.. they were also the ones that would say sure i'll help you get things picked up before dinner...

I've never had anyone in my life (that I'm aware of) that stopped in to check on my housekeeping skills... so I guess it's never been an issue with me.

overwhelmed123

Quote from: Laurie on February 11, 2011, 08:32:04 AM
I'll give you that much if you have some medical issue.. but I've heard.. oh my I could be running around the house without a bra.... my house could be a wreck... I could be in the middle of peeing.... those are all control bs reasons.  You can simply say.. I prefer you call first.. but you know I don't care how dirty my house is.. my kids are always welcomed.. guest for that matter.... more importantly I found that if it bothered me to have guest see a dirty house.. then don't keep a dirty house... why close off family for such silly reasons.

Yes, I agree with you there- but on the other side of the coin, is it that big of a deal for others to just call first?  I mean once the person says, "I'd prefer if you called first," is there really a valid reason to keep doing it?  Then it seems the control issue shifts and the person dropping by unannounced becomes the one trying to control.

Pen

I'm not a fan of dropping in on anyone, friend or relative. But what's up with never (!) being invited to DS/DIL's house? It can't possibly be that DIL is afraid of criticism since she criticizes my house all the time. Or could it? LOL

Actually, DIL is a neat freak whose home is usually in order (we've been allowed to use the restroom a couple of times after dropping them off.)

I just got blasted by DS for requesting notice before they come here (just trying to set a boundary  ::) ) so I'm confused.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb