Author Topic: MIL Competitiveness with Mom  (Read 5191 times)

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AnonymousDIL

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2011, 06:15:23 AM »
I think MIL expects her family to come first at all costs because she knows nothing different. By that I mean, FIL's family all live on the other side of the country. They haven't gone to see them in over 10 years. So MIL's family has always gotten every single holiday. There was no "shuffling/balancing" for her. She doesn't get that her family isn't the center of our lives. :-(

We done the balance of both families on Thanksgiving. My family around noon-1ish then DH's family (MIL's whole side) in the evening. MIL complained that we didn't eat enough. She rescheduled it now for 2:00 (all the other holiday's were already scheduled for 2:00, we live an hour and a half away so we can't do both families). We asked to have theirs later like 5:00, so we can do my family then come down, but nope, they can't do that. Well, we just go to hers late. She complains.

DH's side gets Christmas Eve (they always do the candlelight service and it is a big deal to them and my brother's wife does her family on Christmas Eve too so it works out). She complains because she wants Christmas too-- the 6 hours that we spent with her side on Christmas Eve weren't enough. Sorry, but my family needs to get together too. If she wants additional holiday time it needs to be the weekend before or after. That's not good enough for her, she complains that it isn't the "holiday" unless it is on Christmas.

So, maybe you ladies aren't as demanding of your DS's and DIL's but my MIL is and she doesn't like to share. :-(

You obviously understand how busy life is. I hope that your MIL's were equally understanding about that.

Offline Pooh

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2011, 06:22:09 AM »
My ex-MIL, was never understanding.  My MIL now, patient, understanding and forgiving.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2011, 06:59:52 AM »
My mil was totally understanding, as was my mother... I think in part it's because they love us more then they love the holiday.

overwhelmed123

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2011, 07:27:48 AM »
I think MIL expects her family to come first at all costs because she knows nothing different. By that I mean, FIL's family all live on the other side of the country. They haven't gone to see them in over 10 years. So MIL's family has always gotten every single holiday. There was no "shuffling/balancing" for her. She doesn't get that her family isn't the center of our lives. :-(


That's a good point and that is basically how my ILs are, too.  The other two outsiders who married in (both of them are males) moved away from their families and rarely see them.  Every single holiday is given to my ILs.  On the rare occasion that these other "outsiders" families do come into town, it has to be one big gathering complete with my ILs, because they couldn't fathom not getting every single holiday to revolve around them.

Apparently in my DH's first marriage, they still managed to get every holiday.  Sometimes his ex-wife's family would join them for one big holiday (yuck.  I hate big crowds.).  They assumed this would be the norm and when we first got together, they couldn't believe that my parents didn't take them up on their offer and come over for every single holiday.  I remember thinking it was so odd that at 29 years old, he was getting a card from his grandparents before Thanksgiving whining about how this would be the very FIRST Thanksgiving without him.  I thought- REALLY?  At 29 he had never once been anywhere else for Thanksgiving?  That's crazy!  They are used to everyone else giving up their own traditions just to "fit in" with their clan.  That doesn't work for me- I tried to divide the time equally and that didn't work for them.  It is interesting though to notice that the men they are married to have basically given up time with their own families just to suit this clan.  But when the male is their own blood, he's not allowed to spend any time apart from them.  Hypocritical much?
« Last Edit: February 11, 2011, 07:36:50 AM by overwhelmed123 »

Offline Pen

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2011, 07:33:41 AM »
My DIL's FOO assumed from the start that they were it and we were out. It will be interesting if one of their sons marries into a family that also assumes that :) I can't wait!!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

overwhelmed123

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2011, 07:34:40 AM »
My DIL's FOO assumed from the start that they were it and we were out. It will be interesting if one of their sons marries into a family that also assumes that :) I can't wait!!

LOL, yes that will be interesting!  They are in for a real treat!

Offline Pooh

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2011, 07:38:35 AM »
My DIL's FOO assumed from the start that they were it and we were out. It will be interesting if one of their sons marries into a family that also assumes that :) I can't wait!!

Mine too Pen.  But I still blame DIL and DS for allowing it.  Or at the very least, if DIL doesn't want to upset her FOO and goes along with it, we have always given them options for other days or weekends.  So it's still on them not the FOO.

But yes, I totally believe in Karma.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #37 on: February 11, 2011, 07:48:02 AM »
In my situation it's not just the holidays, it's everything. We aren't worthy of any consideration. DS speaks up, but his FOO is a formidable force.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #38 on: February 11, 2011, 08:10:25 AM »
And in my case it's  my DIL who is determined to spend every holiday/event with her family.. not her family.. they are probably thinking "why doesn't she just go away"  :D  I'm kidding.. but it's her doing.. not her mom and dad

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #39 on: February 11, 2011, 10:20:29 AM »
Just wanted to add something to what Adil said about what they do give to her DH's FOO never being enough...
My FOO invites us, tells us they would love for us to be there but if not they understand.
DHs FOO pressures us - we have to be there, are we flying up for this funeral and distant cousin x's wedding, and the FAMILY wants takes a group vacation and everyone else will be attending, why not, could we go the following year (these trips would be with my DHs siblings, some of whom we havent talked to seen in 2yrs).
Nothing is EVER good enough, they bottom line being that their plans worked out they way they wanted - the hell wiith the cost to us (financially and emotionally)

Laurie said it beautifully
 
Quote
My mil was totally understanding, as was my mother... I think in part it's because they love us more then they love the holiday

overwhelmed123

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #40 on: February 11, 2011, 10:23:15 AM »
ST- that is a good description of the difference between our two families as well.  Inviting is fine- but it's after they got the answer they didn't want to hear that the real problems started.  They tried to push push push push until we broke down.

LaurieS

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #41 on: February 11, 2011, 10:37:31 AM »
Absolutely.. nothing is worse or will make you balk faster then to have someone attempt to force you into making a decision that isn't right for you.  I love invitations, and most of the time I will bend over backwards to make it work.. but if it doesn't then it doesn't.

The only time I ever was that forgiving of someone demanding that I will do something when they wanted and not a minute later was when I went into labor.. that baby held all the power in the world.

Offline Pooh

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #42 on: February 11, 2011, 10:46:50 AM »
Sure, if MIL called right now and said, "You WILL be here for dinner tonight, come hell or high water!"  I would be answering with "Well I hope you have a fan and some wading boots!"   You want respect...you have to give respect.  You give disrespect...expect disrespect back.  That is the world in equal balance.  It's when one side gives respect and gets nothing but disrespect in return that the world turns sideways and you hope they fall off.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

overwhelmed123

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #43 on: February 11, 2011, 10:49:10 AM »
I remember how turned off I would get when I would talk to DH's aunt (or mom) and she would tell me she had already discussed a holiday (let's say Thanksgiving) with the family and told them that we couldn't make it (on the rare event that we actually didn't go- because we did attend many).  So they all knew we couldn't come.  Then I'd get a phone call from GMIL sounding all innocent and asking, "Hi, I was wondering if you guys were coming to Thanksgiving..."  (not knowing I knew she had already been told we weren't coming)  I'd calmly say, "No we can't make it...although I'm a little confused because I know Aunt already told you this..."  "Oh...I...well..yes...but I didn't know if your plans had changed...uhh...well..."  The fumbling on the other end of the line was a little amusing...however I still got off the phone feeling annoyed and played with.

overwhelmed123

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Re: MIL Competitiveness with Mom
« Reply #44 on: February 11, 2011, 10:50:14 AM »
You give disrespect...expect disrespect back.  That is the world in equal balance.  It's when one side gives respect and gets nothing but disrespect in return that the world turns sideways and you hope they fall off.

That is so, so unbelievably true!