Difficult relationships:Grandchild

[Invisible]

Wow...so sorry you are having difficulty with your daughter. I can understand but only from the perspective of MIL. My son is dead. My daughter in law hates me but at least looks at me as a free baby sitter. I am not called grandma. My granddaughter was trying to call me "in-law" I had to explain I was her grandmother.

I have problems with my granddaughter misbehaving but she is acting out because she is being abused by her mother. I have NO communication between my DIL other than very superficial hello and goodbye. If I say or do anything else she screams ...I am controlling. I do not dare make a simple suggestion or comment on anything.

My granddaughter has caught on to the dysfunctional relationship between us. The situation is sad. We just have to grab on to the little opportunities to be a part of our grandchildren lives and leave the rest.

[Gransy]

Tommorow we head  to my daughters and son in laws for the holiday. Its been awhile sinceI first posted as I opened this discussion. Ive been to counseling and we are going to stay @ the Westin instead of thier home. If the grandchildren are disrespectful and are not disciplined for it we can leave and go back to the hotel. At least this gives me some power and clear boundries as to what Im willing to put up with. Will keep you all posted as I may need to "talk" over the next few days.

[mom2]

Gransy,

Hotel is such a good idea, at least you have a safe, quiet place to go if it gets too much to bare. Good luck with everything !

[Gransy]

All went fairly well for the holiday only one issue came up. My husband asked the 8 year old if she wanted to go for a ride with him to pick something up. She asked her mom and was told no because the 3/12 year old could not go too. Some history===When we took their whole family to western Virginia to a timeshare we went to different attractions. Well, when caravaning to one of the attractions we took both grandkids in our car and my daughter and SIL went by themselves. Well it was a 20 minute ride of yelling, fighting and crying between the kids. My husband and I decided that from then on we would take only one child at a time and we would switch off kids in the cars so each would get a chance to ride with us. It was evident when the 8 year old was told she couldn't go for a ride because the 3/12 year old couldn't it was because according to my daughter it we are favoring the 8 year old.  By the way the 3/12 year old is still not potty trained.  We have been taking the 8 year old since she was 5 during the summer for 2-3 weeks. We enrolled her every year in swim lessons during her visit with us and one year took her to Disney World. We thought this was a great thing to do as this is quality one on one time with the grandparents and the younger one got one on one with her parents and it gave my daughter a little break in only having one child. When the younger one got old enough we would take one for 2 weeks than the other for 2 weeks and my daughter knew this was the plan. Well she informed me that when the younger one got old enough to visit us that we would have to take them both at the same time as it wasn't fair that the kids to not go together and to her as she would have to "sit around waiting in the summer for one to go then the other."  Note that my daughter doesn't work and the 8 year old is homeschooled. So it's both of them or none of them. We want one on one time and didn't want to change our quality time into 2 weeks of babysitting. She insist that they can't go separately. I told her that we are offering to take them separately and do some wonderful things with each but that we were not willing to take them both at the same time. My daughters dad and I have been divorced for a long time now and my husband and I are very active in my daughters family and do lots for the kids===summer, vacations, holidays, birthday's etc. My ex and his wife are not very active==they send cards-which is good but my daughter complains that she doesn't really see him very often and I know their not real active in their lives. For havens sake we do alot yet now it is all in jeopardy because we wont have them both at the same time. I told her that I'm not going to be emotionally blackmailed into taking both at the same time. Additionally, if shes feels taking one child at time is detrimental to their family life or not good for the kids then they will just have to spend their summers at home because we are only willing to take one at a time and we would come up and visit them there. Its a shame==I feel she cut of her nose despite her face. And how ungrateful.

[2chickiebaby]

What a mess, Gransy....I'm trying to think but I can't seem to come up with anything I'd do differently.  I guess the little one is getting to where she knows she's missing out and that's what your DD is saying.  Having the two of them is hard, I know. 

I wonder if anyone else has an idea....

[mom2]

Gransy,

I agree with your decision. It is hard with two children, I know ; they constantly compete, argue and just pick at each other.
I think if you and Hubby are kind enough to take each child at different times then that's good enough.

I would not let the DD put the guilt trip on and make me give in.

                                                                                 Good luck

[AnnieB]

Yep, it makes sense to me as an older person and grandparent... one at a time is a good thing all round.  (I know spending half a day for two weeks with my 3 year old grandson just about did me in!) Quality time for you and each grandchild.  You can develop special relationships with each child, the children get a chance to feel kind of special and there's none of that sibling rivalry-discipline junk which (btw) we aren't supposed to deal with because we're not the parents. 

A side benefit should be that each child also gets to have special time with their parents and feel like an only child (but that of course is not for us to point out).

I imagine the wishful thinking from your daughter's viewpoint would be to have 2  weeks child free, something I know I enjoyed as a parent when my kids would be with their dad(s).

For that I would say she should send them off to camp together for a week or two. 

[Gransy]

Thank you all for your support, suggestions and understanding. I think your right about my daughter wanting a 2 week parent vacation from her kids and she should send them to camp.  Its too bad she couldn't show some gratitude to us for inviting the kids down for some special fun and activities. I do not plan on mentioning it to her again and we do not plan on opening up the subject of the older child coming to visit this year. I'm not going to BEG her to let us treat them. I guess my husband and I will  plan to spend a nice quite summer together and if she wants come down and bring both kids with her to visit us for a few days--that'll be fine. Has anyone heard of a surrogate grandparrent network?

[2chickiebaby]

Dear Gransy,
I wonder if she'll come to her senses after she realizes what she's deprived her kids out of?  She is just cutting off her face to spite her nose? (whatever that saying is)

It's just sad....I do hope as the summer progresses that she will change her mind.  Let us know.

[Gransy]

Me too!!

[2chickiebaby]

Gransy,
I've been thinking about you and hoping you're okay.  Let us know.    Miss hearing from you.

[cremebrulee]

Gransy,

I can fully see where you are coming from. My problems are with the DIL and son and he ( our son ) disrespected us as bad as she did. I had to basically cut them from our lives because they were a constant heartache to me and all I did was cry. Every time I tried to mend things I got slapped in the face again

It's hard for some people to understand how, we as mothers, could just cut them from our lives but after years of trying and getting no where, I don't see another option and it couldn't be healthy for anyone to hurt and be stressed out of your mind all time. I, of course, love my son with all my heart and that will never change but when I feel guilty and think maybe I did the wrong thing, I start to think of the fact that they didn't care how they treated us and they still don't.

We love them but I don't think it's good for us to think so little of ourselves ( talking about myself ) that we let them, kids or no kids, treat us that way.

I hope you can find some peace of mind with all this but in the meantime we are here to talk and support each other.  Blessings

I cut them out of my life for two years...thought it would be healthier for all concerned...but it killed me not hearing from my son and GD?  So I caved in and asked if we could communicate again....

hugs to you for your strength and tough love...

I think sometimes, I'm to wishy washy....wish I could be more like you

Gransy, hang in there and know you have our support.

[2chickiebaby]

 that we let them, kids or no kids, treat us that way.

I like what you said here, Creme.  It's the truth...we let them, kids or no kids, treat us this way!!  We wouldn't allow anyone to treat them this way.  I think that's the hardest part.

I heard something this week...it meant so much to me.  A man talked about someone taking everything that meant anything to him away from him. I noticed that he had a new wife.  Obviously, the last time I had seen him, he had another wife...and she must have left him and that's who he was talking about....I think.

He talked about the bitterness that was eating him alive.  He said that he dreamed of every kind of scenario where he could destroy this person legally.

He said that it was making him sick, very sick.  He said he did not want to forgive this person but that he was getting sicker and sicker, physically and mentally.  He told about finally giving in and forgiving the person for his sake, not theirs.

His face was brighter and you could see a new person emerging.  I was shocked because I hadn't seen him in awhile.

I guess my point is that we have to forgive, not for them but for us so we can be whole.  There is no way it can be forgotten...no way but I think, if we want to live a healthy life, we have to explore ways to do it???

Oh!! I don't want to give up the bitterness!!  I'm like one of those punching bags that bobs up and down when hit and comes back up.  I do want to let go! 

[Pen]

I've been working on getting rid of my bitterness, and forgiving a certain person who I feel has wronged me, for years. Sometimes I feel successful, sometimes it's back to the beginning. I understand my inability to forgive this person could be killing me! As a wise person once said, "Bitterness is a poison pill we give ourselves hoping it will harm the other person." My hope is that one day soon I'll be free of it, too, and that everyone on this site has a peaceful soul.

When I think of myself as a queen bestowing forgiveness on someone (like a knighting ceremony with the saber tap to the shoulder) it feels right, like I'm choosing to forgive instead of doing it to give the other person a free pass. I'd forgotten all about this until you mentioned it, Chickie! Thank you for reminding me to keep working at this.

[2chickiebaby]

It's so hard, isn't it Penstaman??  I don't want to let go of the bitterness but it is killing me!!