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Insight requested

Started by justme, February 09, 2011, 01:25:40 PM

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Mariatobe

Just me - You're saying she's a wonderful woman who just happens to harshly criticize you in front of your kids?  Next time she does it, tell her to knock it off!  You're the mom, you'll take care of it.  Have some backbone girl!

Nana

Just Me

I love your attitude.  I wish we could all be like you.  You have a lot of patience.  Good for you.  I am a very intense person and would have probably exploded.   When I was raising my children my mil did give me advice and we were also very close.  But she was so sweet with me that I never minded her interference.  She would give advice and never criticized my final decision. 

All gave you good advice.  Talking to her immediately before this escalates. 

Laurie.....".you are really something".... When I feel down...I will send you a post so that you can make me laugh"  some people do not like confrontations.....so if Just Me is one of them.....wine will help....and if it does not help.....at least she will care less.  salud.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

LaurieS

Quote from: catchingup on February 10, 2011, 02:00:48 AM
I Think your MIL is lucky to have such a nice DIL and "Vice Versa"--sometimes
Say it like it is. Get her to read your post here.

This is the last place I would invite my mil, especially if I ever wanted to vent.. we think Facebook is unsafe?

holliberri

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's nothing good to come of this should I ever be found out. Probably a major step backwards.

LaurieS

Quote from: Nana on February 10, 2011, 03:17:43 AM
Laurie.....".you are really something".... When I feel down...I will send you a post so that you can make me laugh"  some people do not like confrontations.....so if Just Me is one of them.....wine will help....and if it does not help.....at least she will care less.  salud.
Aww thanks Nana.. but I really do believe in the casual approach first and see where it takes you... If you were to 'sit' this person down, then you are in effect saying.. I'm in control here and you will listen.  Now of course this is the approach I took when my kids were younger but that's a whole different story.. for the record I did look in my kids rooms/drawers/closets while they were growing up.

But anytime you need a glass of wine and a chat... I'm here for ya Nana :)

holliberri

If only MIL drank alcohol; you could be onto something for me Laurie.

Pen

Justme, welcome to the site. I agree with the posters who said you sounded like you will handle everything just fine. You have a kind heart and a great attitude. I hope your MIL can see how caring you are and how lucky she is to have a DIL like you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

February 10, 2011, 08:17:05 AM #22 Last Edit: February 10, 2011, 08:21:25 AM by cremebrulee
Quote from: justme on February 09, 2011, 01:25:40 PM
I am looking for some insight regarding a particular situation that I have been experiencing with my mother-in-law.  She is a wonderful woman and on most levels we get along extremely well.  However, some problems have emerged since our children were born.  The difficulty is that she is overtly critical about how I parent our children, and she speaks her criticism in front of the kids.  Sometimes the problems emerge because our philosophies differ (i.e. she was upset that I didn't have the children potty trained by the time they turned two - we have had the same discussion for each of my three children).  At other times I have (like most mothers) not handled a situation well - and sometimes not known how to handle it well - and rather than helping out, she makes it clear that she thoroughly disapproves of my actions (i.e. when my usually-happy infant son cried incessantly at dinner one night, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  In the end, I took him out of his seat and cuddled him until he settled, but she was angry because I was missing supper).   I am sure that our differences drive her crazy sometimes, and I hate to cause her such anger.  The fact is, sometimes she is right; sometimes I am right; sometimes there are no rights, just different ways of doing things.  I am sure that her comments must be said because she loves us, but I feel crushed when she speaks to me with such disapproval and I become tongue-tied.  Can anyone provide some suggestions in terms of how to handle this situation?  Mothers-in-law, can you give some insight regarding your perspective, so that I can understand and communicate better with my mother-in-law?

Hi justme and welcome....

I don't believe it's such a serious matter....and do believe it's workable....actually, give it time, and when the time is right, tell her exactly what you've written here....I know it's difficult for some DIL's to talk to an adult like this, but instead of viewing it as talking to her, view it as communicating your feelings to her....she might surprise you....and understand....? 

I don't believe MIL's mean to harp so much so, that the DIL feels less then efficent....I believe they do it, b/c they're trying to problem solve and help....and we MIL's might take your response as a rejection, just as if you might take our words as controlling or wanting to live your life for you....we don't, really, we're simply trying to help and be a mom....all most of us MIL's want is to love you DIL's...honestly, and as you take things we say as perhaps a rejection, we do the same....and then the problems start to mount...so, can you sit down and share your feelings with her, confident, that you can both listen to each others views....not taking it as a personal attack, but actually, as the other person's culture? 

I will never forget, my first visit to see my new baby GD....I woke up and heard the baby screaming and screaming, got up, walked out into the living room and there sat my DIL and son on the sofa with the baby in they're arms, tired and frustrated, and helpless....Gosh, I wanted to make it all better for them....I saw how completely exhausted and frustrated they were....you know those times, when the baby cries and nothing you try works...?  Well, I wanted to tell them something I had read, and so wanted to get up and go over and take the baby, lay her on the floor and wrap her up good and tight in her blanky....but, I feared doing so...that my DIL might think I was telling her she was doing things all wrong, so I bit my lip, stayed out of it, and asked if there was anything I could do?  And then sat up with them, saying nothing, until the baby fell asleep....but, omg, that was hard to do....


so.....
What I said to myslef was, "What can I do to help make our relationship better?".....I said it to myself over and over and over again, until I actually believed I had some ownership in problem, and I did....however, I didn't think I did anything wrong????;D

I'm wishing you the best....
Creme

LaurieS

Hi there Creme... did you guys get a snow day today?

lancaster lady

Hi Justme
I am a soon to be MIL but also a GM .
Re the crying toddler at meal times .I don't see how anyone can enjoy a meal if a baby is crying .
My F/DIL told me in no uncertain terms that she was the parent and not to question her way of parenting , which I didn't .
Sure I took offence ,but she is the parent .
So I am now a nice smiley GM ,and if I see something really don't agree with ,I just zip up .
I would certainly say something if I thought the child was in danger , but we as parents all learnt by
our mistakes ,so you should be able to do likewise .
Now how you get this across to your MIL is a different thing .As this is your third child it's going to be hard .With hindsite  perhaps you should have stated this with your first .
Perhaps when given advice you could say , ''I'll be sure to try that next time ''.
Or ask her how she managed to potty train at 2 years , ''Oh really ,I should have tried that ''
Or , ''Well you know I'm still learning ''...
you have to have an answer ready and not become tongue tied , when scolded at school we all became silent ...you are not at school .
You are the parent ...when you stand up to your MIL ,not in a nasty way ,she'll get the message .
hopefully .still be friends too .
no point letting it build up ,one day you might explode and say something you'll regret ...gentle persuasion ......good luck !

holliberri

To me, this is your 3rd child.

You're seasoned, experienced and learned what works best for you. I wouldn't dream of giving my friends advice on their kids, especially when they have 2 and 3 kids already. They've been around the block. I say this as a new parent, but I would think the advice about the kids should naturally wear off after awhile. Maybe not with the first (as they continue to grow), but with the second and third, for sure. Especially when the advice sounds a little redundant and contrary to what you've obviously done before.

I really don't see what needs to be pointed out that you should be doing differently. So, I think a laid back discussion could definitely help. Brushing it off doesn't seem like it would be effective, especially since I'm assuming that's what you've been doing already.

justme

To all of you who have responded - you have given me courage to move ahead with this situation.  Thank you!

Mariatobe: From your mesage, I sense that you feel my frustration, and I thank you for your empathy.  Hopefully I can gain some backbone!  Please let me assure you that my MIL is indeed a wonderful woman - she is generous, she takes care of her friends who are ill, and she kept her husband alive for years as she daily administered his dialysis at home.  She is without a doubt a self-sacrificing woman.  The fact is that her flaw is that she is critical (not just with me, but others too... i.e comments re: the weight of a passerby, the way her son-in-law boils water, etc...).  We all have flaws, right?  I think that if I can handle this situation well, then we may see huge personal growth for both of us. 

Creme:  Thanks for sharing your experience as an MIL.  I will make a real effort to share my feelings, as you have suggested.  It seems that the conversation will be more profitable if I let her know how her actions have effected me, rather than simply defining boundaries.  Perhaps then the relationship will change, not just because I've said it must, but because we have emerged with some common understanding.

Lancaster Lady: You're right!  I should have done it with my first!  I must admit that the first time I felt attacked by my MIL, I fought back, and while we both apologized afterwards, it still left me feeling awful.  I suppose that in order to avoid that kind of confrontation again, I have resorted to quietly smiling and nodding.  I am now hoping to pursue a more productive solution :).

Nana: I LOVE the quote that you have included!

Laurie:  You make me smile.

Cheers and thanks to all of you!  What an incredible community this is.

Pooh

I think sometimes it takes more backbone to back off, be compromising and accept people for who they are.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

You're dead on Pooh .. exerting the backbone in the right place the first time may ward off a lot of the later problems.. especially with family. 

justus

I am bothered that she does it in front of your children. When they are babies, the immediate affect is that their mother's confidence is shattered, but as they get older, they learn to not have faith in their own parents. If anything that should stop.

About the criticism in general, one thing I realized when my children were young was that my parents were even less prepared to have children than I was. They were younger, they did not have the benefit of the support that I had and both of them had deep personal issues that made being good parents very challenging. It helped me forgive them because I was not as prepared as I thought I was. My parents are like your MIL, very critical. I can tell you that they were not good parents and the hypocrisy of their criticism made me throw up in my mouth more than a couple of time. When I realized all of this, I stopped taking their criticism seriously.

It also kept me from criticizing SD when GD came along. I certainly did not and do not agree with many of the things she did/is doing. I can see how she is going to have trouble way in the future, but if I were raising GD, I would be making my own brand of mistakes that would bring trouble down the line. I've got no right to criticize.

I learned from my parent's mistakes that what a young parent needs is unwavering support, not constant criticism even if you don't agree with what they are doing as long as it isn't abuse. It is the best and most loving thing a GP can do for her GC

I agree that since she is a reasonable MIL who you have a good relationship with, you should talk to her and at the very least insist that she limit her criticism to never in front of the children. Elist your DH in policing her if necessary. He should not tolerate anyone treating you like that. The best thing he can do for his children is to make sure he protects their M from such things. I have a feeling she doesn't understand the impact of her words and once she does, she will temper them and there will be no need to get DH involved.

What does your DH say about it?