I simply must move on

[Huni]

WOW!  Where do I begin?  My daughter and only child is 35.  My ex-husband, her father, was an alcoholic and I will admit, when she was growing up the family was dysfunctional. She was definitely affected.   His philosophy in life was you only go around once in life, give it all the gusto you have. She pretty much has the same philosophy today.  He lied, cheated and was self-absorbed.  Sadly, she definitely is her father's child.  So, it is understandable that we butt heads. We definitely have conflicting personalities.  Of course, I was the disciplinarian and tried to teach her Christian principles, give her some of the opportunities I missed out on as a child, etc.  She rebelled because his was was the fun way, he was liberal, I expected more from her.  Get the picture? I struggled to exist for 25 years in the marriage to keep the family in tact.  Definitely regret doing that. When she graduated from high school, I felt I could escape that "existence" and did.  I struggled financially beyond belief as he did not accept the financial obligations handed to him, but I put her through college, and she did exceptionally well.  She works now and is self-sufficient.  I have always been proud of her in that regard.   That's the good news.  Now the bad news.  I am going to fast forward.......in 2004 she was married to a young man, he traveled with his job, and so she began seeing a co-worker.  She was staying out late, not coming home, coming in drunk, spending lots of money, going to parties, etc. without her husband.  Before long, they divorced and she was going to give herself a break from men, stop drinking, and enjoy just being herself.  All lies!  She was staying with John!  She lied, lied, lied about everything she was doing, but I am her mom, I'm far smarter than she is and she is not a good liar.  Now she is living with John.  I absolutely refuse to meet him, although I have seen him, I refuse to have him in my home, he is not included on "occasions", etc.  I do not approve of her behavior, but she is my daughter.  And I definitely do not approve of a man that would endorse and contribute to her adulterous behavior when she was married.  Is this wrong of me???   And so, honestly, she hates me.  She has always hated me, frankly.  She has always hated me, because I was brought up in a Christian home where that kind of behavior was not tolerated and consequently I am no longer her cheerleader.  She loves the good life.....expensive cars, trips, parties, clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc.  That's ALL she is interested in.  She does not care one thing about me, her Dad, her grandparents, nor anyone else, probably not even John. He put her out one time and suddenly she was so relieved to be rid of him, he was SO bad for her!   She can sever relationships in the blink of an eye.  And so this week, after a very heated debate with her and more lies, trying to give her some sound advice, I decided that I can no longer wrestle with trying to maintain a relationship with her nor be a prisoner to her antics.   She never calls, she texts or emails which is very cold and callous communication, imo.  She makes her obligatory "visit" on holidays, but she arrives to the second  and reads the paper or searches FB the whole time she is there.  She cannot carry on a conversation.  I'm just tired of being emotionally spent from all her drama and her lies, lies, lies, and trying to maintain a relationship when really, we don't have one.   I'm just not as "cool" as she thinks she is!

The site has already helped me tremendously because I now realize that adult children who hate their parent is more common than I realized.  I would like for those who have set boundaries to tell me.......do I back off completely and tell her why, do I tell her I cannot accept her behavior until she changes, do I continue to accept her occasional crumbs she throws, or do I just move on with my life and ignore her.  I do know that sleepless nights, tears,  and a broken heart is not healthy, and now I do see the need to move on with my life.  Any suggestions?

[meanlady]

Move on is right!  Develop your own interests!  Let her come to you!  This is a hard thing to do because you are probably riddled with guilt about what you could have done differently but you did the best you could.  You need to reallize what an amazing person you are and enjoy life with or without her.  You will grieve not having the relationship you hoped for but you just have to move on because every single day counts.  You might try Al-anon?  I am finding some peace by attending meetings and hearing the stories and solutions that other people have to offer.   Best of luck to you!

[Huni]

Thank you, meanlady.  Al-Anon is a great suggestion.  I attended years ago when I was dealing with my ex.  i realize there are far worse situations out there than mine when I listen to their stories, but when you are caught up in it, your own is difficult to deal with.  I am definitely moving on.....that is etched in stone.  I simply have to!

[catchingup]

Hi Huni.
Christian priciples can be maintained by you without your daughter excersizing christianity.

Meeting the man she lives with does not mean to say you are going against your beliefs. In fact I would say you are not displaying christian principles by rejecting him.
Afterall who did Jesus spend  most of his time with? Sinners.
Why is your daughter lying? She cannot be open with you because you are forcing your beliefs on her.
Sorry if I sound blatant but dont play God.
We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God.

He loved us anyway and all of us sin from time to time yet God does not reject us.

More praying and less talking is really the answer here.

By continually preaching to her you are probably driving her away. She reads the newspaper and FB because she is tired of the continual nagging of her lifestyle.

I am a christian and all three of my sons live with their girlfriends. They know my principles would not have allowed me to do the same but I leave them in Gods hands.Preaching until one is blue in the face will not change anything.
Yes get on with your life. You cannot live your daughters life. She has to make her own mistakes and learn from them
Then when she needs a helping hand you should be there for her and not have to say "I told you so"
So often we see God with a big stick about to pounce on us.
I dont like talking about particular beliefs on this site because we are all from differant religious backgrounds but i quote this for you.

God did not come to us with a stick
In Isaih it says
"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that brings good news"
"Announcing peace,proclaiming news of happiness"

And So dont hold your daughter to ransom just love her for who she is and make peace with her and yourself.

[jill]

Hi Huni,
Welcome to WWU, so sorry you're going through all of this with your daughter, as many of us are here.  We are all here to offer comfort and support so vent whenever you like.
Unfortunately the way we were raised and the way we raised our kids does not count for much today, they will do whatever they like, and there is nothing you can do about it.  So I would not argue or tell her how to do anything, unless she asks your advice.  Although you may not approve of him, the man she is living with is who she has chosen to be her partner, and you have to accept him, if you want to try to have any relationship with your dd. (Unless he is abusing her).  Do not blame yourself for anything, you did your best, the rest if up to her.
Like you, I often think my odd is definitely her father's daughter. No alcohol involved, but the "stubborn, I am always right, I know best" attitude.   Best of luck to you and keep posting.....Jill   

[Huni]

Jill, thanks for your reply.  I suppose that I have "accepted" everything about her lifestyle, etc. because I DO realize I cannot change the situation. I rarely talk to her, and I don't preach to her or try to force my beliefs on her.  I also realize that adult kids today are not the same as adult kids in our generation.   I tried to give her some advice this week which will save her a lot of heartache.  She asked, but she didn't like my response.   She will ultimately regret her decision, but she was going to do it anyway, so she will be the one to suffer the consequences and it will be a HUGE financial setback for her.  The forum is beneficial because there are many people struggling with heartache and like you, there are lots of people who offer encouragement through experience.  And then there are those who are assuming and point fingers.   As far as the significant other is concerned, it won't last.  He is 20 years her senior.  He has put her on the street one time and he will do it again.  It's just a matter of time.  He likes to keep a pretty chick on his arm and he pays for it with $$$$.  I will check back with her 20 years from now and get her perspective! 

[luise.volta]

IMHO you can't create a relationship even with your own without it being a two-way street. Your DD is making her own choices. I am with those that have suggested you "turn toward that which brings you joy" and start loving yourself to pieces. You're worth it! Sending love...

[Huni]

I guess I just needed an affirmation from the girlios that know best!  So, I'm off to indulge myself in WHATEVER makes me happy.  I'll let you know if there is anything left of what would have been her inheritance.   
P.S.  I just got a call from a friend with "adult children" problems.  I referred her to WWU.

[luise.volta]

You Go, Girl!!!

[Pooh]

Welcome Huni and I echo what the others have said.  You have to move on and realize she is making those choices and has to straighten out her own life.  Also, you are refusing to meet the guy because he engaged in the adultry, but yet she still comes over?  I understand what you mean, but she also engaged in the adultry.  So they were both wrong.

[Huni]

Pooh, you are absolutelyright.  They were both wrong.  In fact, I feel that she was more wrong than he was.  He, at least, was not married.  BUT, she is my daughter and I have not wanted to sever the ties completely.  She knows that our family does not condone her behavior.  Frankly, she doesn't care how we feel about it.  The material things he dangles in front of her, the big car, trips, watches, purses, shoes, etc. are more important to her.  She's made that choice, I can't change that, not can I control the consequences that she will endure down the road. 

Of course, there is not enough space on this site to fully explain the situation.  I shared just a tidbit.  I have just tried to be her mother, it's not working.  I think the conflict comes because she knows she is caught up in his web, she knows he is not good for her, she enjoys the finer things he offers, thinks she is happy, but she is not willing to give it all up because it would be a much poorer existence for her. She has said that.  She knows I want better for her and she knows she disappoints me, so her way of dealing with me, and the family, is to just stay away except when she has to make a token visit.  When she does, she can't communicate.  This is a girl that graduated with highest honors from college and has a very responsible job.

Thanks for your input.  After reading much of what is on this site, and after calming down over the weekend, I see clearer that I must move on.  And that is what I will do.

Love the caring ladies on this site.  We've all been through hell, one way or another, some worse than others.  It's a sisterhood to which I wish we did not belong!  Blessings to all!

[Pooh]

I do hope it works out well and I think we all know that things and money only last for so long.  We just so want to stop that head-on train collision so bad for them, even though we know we have to let them do it themselves.  It's our protective instinct.  It's the hardest thing to do, to realize we have to also protect ourselves.

[courtney]

Hi all, Huni...I have been reading & posting at this site maybe 2 months now...the suggestions, advice & wisdom, stories of woe, and the funny stuff has gotten me through some of the worst of the worst times for me, especially around Christmas.
   I realize today reading & re reading all the posts at this topic, it's neverending.
I was reminded today of how it is, how it hurts, mistakes I've made, misconceptions I've had, self righteous beliefs I have that you cannot factor in when dealing with an adult child-they have their own...I was reminded of the comfort & support we get at WWU, to move on, with hope things will at least seem less horrible...
  Huni, read & re read all the replies here & at other topics...seems like each time I do, I get even another idea about how to make my life better.
Keep posting too.        -Courtney

[Huni]

This has been a week of healing for me.  I hereby resolve to move forward, trudging along with the fortitude of a soldier in combat!  My feet are firmly planted on the ground and my eyes are on the horizon!  I am on a mission!   

Monday is Valentine's Day.  I have always remembered my daughter every year on Valentine's Day, and other occasions, with a card and small gift or a check.  Not this year.  However, I just sealed a card to a foster mother and enclosed a check for a Sweet Treat on me.  She has buried three foster children with disabilities, and now her last child has severe physical disabilities and is terminal and they have endured such financial burdens in their journey.  I know they will appreciate a little warm fuzzy on Valentine's Day.  My daughter wouldn't. 

I had the opportunity to speak with my ex son-in-law this week.  I thought the timing was a little ironic, since we haven't had the oppotunity to talk in a while.  He seems to finally be at peace and said quite honestly, if he saw "John" on the street, he would have to thank him for taking his wife and for setting him free.  He has been able to move on with his life and says that he is at a good place at the moment and seems genuinely happy.  We talked for quite some time.  I told him I simply had to move away from her and on with my life.  I wish him well, he is a delightful man who was so in love with her and took a mental beating.  She is fully capable of sapping the life out of you!

The comments on this site have helped me tremendously to focus on healing.  I see that there are other women out there whose hearts have been shattered by their adult children.  My situation pales in comparison to some, yet heartache is heartache .  I wish only the best to all of you who are struggling, that you will find comforting words that will encourage you to move on.  Hugs and blessings to all of you!

[Pooh]

That is great news Huni!  You get the WWU War Cry today!   YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA...RRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRR!

Your story of running into him made me laugh because I did the same thing.  I was devestated after my divorce, then one year later was wondering what my Ex's address was so I could send him a thank you card.  He did me the biggest favor of my life.  Now, I still want to send him a thank you card, and the "other woman" a sympathy card....but I refrain.