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Birthday Party

Started by holliberri, February 05, 2011, 06:07:56 AM

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1Glitterati

Quote from: pam1 on February 05, 2011, 12:50:44 PM
1Glitterati, lol.  I can't imagine being a teacher either. 

But speaking of which, we have another kids bday party coming up next weekend.  DH is insisting I either take back the gift I got the kid or get an ok with his mother about the gift. 

Would you guys be upset about a live frog habitat?

I'd probably want to know about that one beforehand.

Isn't that the thing where you get the habitat and then have to send off through the mail for the tadpole?

I could put off sending for it and hope the boy forgot about it...lol.

Scoop

Holli - please don't let MIL plan your DD's first birthday party.  That is setting yourself up for a HUGE disappointment and lots of future resentment when you think back to it.  It also sets a precedent with MIL.

BUT it doesn't have to turn into a fight (except maybe with DH).  What was he thinking?  From "can I come?" to "who else can I invite?" - that's being given an inch and taking a mile.  And that's just WRONG.

So, if I were you, I would tell DH that he'd better call MIL back and explain that YOU AND DH will be deciding on a guest list for the party, WHEN you're ready.  You can even say that you agree on the date, what a good idea!

You should also talk to DH and tell him that if he can't fix this, in a way that makes YOU and MIL happy (so not throwing you under the bus and also not insulting her), then HE won't be invited to the party.  But seriously, can't he see that it's situations like this that make you want to avoid MIL?  And it's HIS fault?  If he had said something right away, saying "WHAT? Why would YOU invite anyone?" the issue would have been dealt with and you wouldn't be mad.  AND to top it off, you're going to spend the next 4 months fretting over it.

UGH - I feel so bad for you.

holliberri

Well....DH asked me to switch classes for that semester so he could have a class with his favorite professor.

He told me to take Saturday classes...so it doesn't look like I will even be at the party now. He hasn't thought about it, but if the party comes up during the Skype session, I will nicely remind him why that date won't work for me. Hopefully, that'll send red flags up for everyone.

Then I am explaining that DD may mean the world to me, but this isn't the Event of the Year and setting the stage for over the top birthday bashes isn't something I want to do.

Once again, minimalist meets excess. I know why MIL wants to be included, but it's hard to do when she takes over. I had every intention of her coming up the day before and helping me with a few balloons and tables, and picking up the cake. It just seems like it's not enough for her.

I asked DH if he had a party like this ever and he said no. I left it at that.

SaadMom

Quote from: Laurie on February 05, 2011, 10:59:16 AM
I would simply give her a call -today- and explain to her that you and your dh will be making out the guest list for any party that you will be giving your child... I would tell her that without a doubt that she will be invited but that you have no intentions of inviting the entire extended family.. I'd let her know that you are aware of the mention of her sending out invitations and that this is simply not her place, once again I'd reiterate that this is your event.  And because I'm a ahhhh not a nice person sometimes.. I would tell her that the date that she try to set will not work, once again not her place to decide.. so what if you decide on that date a month before the event when you send out the invites.

While throwing the whole thing into her lap might be tempting.. she will most likely love the idea and will be your full time party planner in the future.  I say nip it and hard. Oh and hubby wouldn't be getting any tonight either.

DITTO .... IMHO  allowing MIL to "run the show",  will backfire sooner than later!



LaurieS

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 01:58:53 PM
Well....DH asked me to switch classes for that semester so he could have a class with his favorite professor.

He told me to take Saturday classes...so it doesn't look like I will even be at the party now. He hasn't thought about it, but if the party comes up during the Skype session, I will nicely remind him why that date won't work for me. Hopefully, that'll send red flags up for everyone.

Ahhh no way any of this would fly with me... You and dh are the only ones that NEED to be with her.  DH was wrong on this one, and he has to know better then to just open the door to your lives and let his mom waltz in.  Still I would not sit back and ask him to fix this.. I'd call her and speak directly with her... if you are really uncomfortable with that come skype time you can say it.. while your dh is talking hold signs up behind him saying "no party" "you had no right to send invites" whatever it takes.  And then I wouldn't mention it again until the time got closer... yeah your dh let you down on this one, but it's fixable..

holliberri

Oh, there's no way I am missing her party. That date just won't work-he had me switch my classes.

So, if the date stands, it comes at direct odds with his plans all of a sudden.

I am speaking up about it on Skype, right in front of him. That way, I didn't cry and moan to him beforehand, and we are ALL on the same page. My words can't get twisted and since I will be doing the talking he won't bein the middle, just uncomfortable. The only thing I risk doing is putting a damper on the mood of the conversation. My body language and tone should help with any possible miscommunication.

If she cries....I am using Luise's advice and saying that problems aren't solved in the emotional arena and I will be happy to talk about it when she's in a better frame of mind.

LaurieS

Yeah make sure she doesn't have a mouthful of her sandwich when you make your stance.. the old bitty might choke lol... oh gosh what a horrible thought watching someone choke to death on skype.. guess you could slam your monitor up and down a few times and see if that helps.

holliberri

Oh dear. MIL dies by Skype. That would make me the worst DIL in the world! Let's hpe not...

seasage

Rah rah sis boom ba, cut her off at the knees!  Show her the boundaries!  There's no telling how far she might go otherwise!

I am feeling incredibly sick at the thought of this MIL getting her comeuppance.  She will be crying for weeks, just as I did, not knowing why asking to attend her GD's birthday party --- and then OH HORROR! offering to help out a little bit -- should merit such treatment.

I would not talk to my children this way.  Nor would I treat my friends or colleagues in this manner.  And I would not do it to my DIL either.

Your wolf pack frightens me.  I don't belong here.

But maybe I am beginning to see why my DIL has such a hard heart.  It seems to be the mode of this  era.

Pen

Seasage, I agree. I believe in erring on the side of kindness, and I think Holli's MIL can be treated with sensitivity and kindness. Holli can make her point w/o creating hurt and anguish.

BTW, I totally agree that Holli's MIL was overly excited about her GD's birthday and overstepped her bounds, but she did so out of love, not out of some evil desire to take over the world. Gentle reminders may do wonders. If MIL is truly heinous, and I don't think this one is, stronger measures may be necessary. But kindness first, please!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

Seasage, I agreed with you too.  DH makes a mess, he cleans it up. 

I don't think there's a dog pile here.  Just humor.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

Seasage, Pen,

Did either one of you think I wasn't going to be kind? I've always been kind to her. No worries there. I think everyone was saying that I should be addressing this, not going through DH.

And if you've followed my story, MIL cries whenever someone tells her no. She cried when the waiter forgot the umbrella in her drink. Please understand what I am up against, as anytime I make someone cry, I feel bad and backpedal.

Laurie also knows my pet peeve is people eating food on Skype. Considering I will be up all night worrying about hurting her feelings, I"m for certain that I don't actually want to hurt her.

luise.volta

I'm too superficial to use my Skype. How I look at my computer is not how I present myself to family and friends...and I have seen my grandson (big computer game poohbah in France) and my DIL ( married to a fabulous guy in Hawaii) look like something the cat's dragged in. It's all too distracting.  :o
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

holliberri

Luise,

I am constantly on Facebook and here, and I text/email friends, but Skype is too much for me personally as well. I find it an invasion of privacy,and DH (painfully shy) goes into monosyllabic mode. He tries to avoid it as much as possible, but it does make the ILs happy so we make do.

SaadMom

Quote from: holliberri on February 05, 2011, 06:07:56 AM
Gulp....here goes...my first ever post.

DD is almost 8 months old. I come home from work last night and DH says, "My mom asked about a birthday party for DD, and if she was allowed to come." (Why would she think she wasn't allowed to come?). I said, "Okay, and?" DH says, "I told her she could certainly come. She said that was great; she looked at the calendar and decided we should have the party on the Saturday after DD's birthday, and she's sending an e-mail out to all of her family." Um...what? Help. I'm seething. Her date for the party does coincidentally jive with the one I was planning on, so I don't think I can take issue with that. I just got lucky with that, I'll worry more about that problem when she picks the date next year.  But...I wasn't inviting my *Ants* (that's for you Laurie) and Uncles, nor DH's Aunts and Uncles. What kind of party am I supposed to have now? I planned on it being GPs and great GPs (DH's included) only, with a symbolic invitation to my brother and family and DH's brother and family who wouldn't dream of trekking a few thousand miles for that with kids and wife in tow.

I bit my tongue. I had some chocolate this morning. I'm not sure which direction to take. Thoughts? I did the math: my Aunts and Uncles, plus his equals well over 100 people. I can't afford all of that fried chicken! Even if I just invite his family...it's 47 people. That's too many. I'm not a Real Housewife of Philadelphia! I just can't stomach investing all that effort/time/money into a first birthday party.

IMHO Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is waaaaay more than offering to help out a little bit!
BTW I got the joke ;)

Hope you All are having a Great weekend, Hugs :)