Why DILs Do What We Do & Why

[luise.volta]

And if you had decided that about all husbands, you wouldn't have the prince you have! As in PRINCE!

[Pooh]

Amen! And I would have missed out!

[luise.volta]

"...but its the DIL that are the monsters." Huh?

[luise.volta]

Yup, Pooh, we can generalize ourselves right off the planet.

[Pen]

Did you know MIL was horrid before you agreed to marry her DS?

When I said yes, I knew I was marrying into a FOO that would be accepting of me. I actually thought about it before saying yes.

[LaurieS]

Laurie,

You didn't respond to some very important points I made about the following. 1) why she stays for two weeks 2) how its me not her who's setting herself up for failure 3) how I could allow her to see the GK without having to stay with her longer than three weeks 4) the reason why my husband told her to get a life. 5) her "helping out" in the kitchen with I've asked her not too. Also, I mentioned before that I came her to give my prospective as to why DILs get so defensive (or at least me) some MILs don't seem to understand it. PLEASE give your opinion on those comments...

Luise
I would, but I'm afford she would scare the sharks away... LOL, I KID, I KID. I would never want to do that.

Pooh,
We shouldn't stereotype but how many of us don't. The truth is some people really do fit the stereotypes. I could care less about her "title" its her actions that offend me.

#1..It's up to you to set boundaries for yourself.. if two weeks is to long (and mass major here believe it is) then you come up with shorter visits..You said that she only lives 2 hours from you (in another state) it's still only 2 hours.. why would someone who only lives 2 hours come for more then a long weekend?  Have you ever thought of going to her place and spending a weekend.

#2.. You ask, how is it you who is setting the visits up for failure - because you are dreading them.. you are probably (and I'm assuming) counting down the clock until the next visit arrives.

#3.. you repeatedly  said that you are only 2 hours from her.. you've picked her up for lunch.. why can you and the kids not visit for less then 3 weeks.. I haven't a clue but that doesn't compute in my mind.

#4..You want for me to tell you why your husband told her to "get a life".. how would I know I wasn't at your house for her two week visit.  Beats me honestly.. maybe he's just rude.

#5..As far as helping out in the kitchen.. do you not understand that to a lot of people this is a form of bonding.. your husband never helps you out? (hmmm maybe not since I guess he has a life).. you don't let your little girl help you out in the kitchen?  When she does don't you consider that a pleasurable experience.  If the woman is there for 2 weeks because of whatever reason, maybe she wants to help, instead of sitting there bored.  Why not say hey I'll cook tonight and tomorrow night the kitchen is all yours.  I don't know would that effect your Queen Bee status?

Yes we/I noticed that you came here to enlighten us on why DIL's get so defensive.  What you didn't see is that we interact quite freely with the dil's on the board and greatly value their input.. but that could be because we are talking together as women first and foremost.   

author Lovelyd
If someone doesn't want to be tried like a MIL then they should't act like one...

I think this was the most enlightening telling thing that you said concerning your relationship and why it is what it is.. maybe I'll make that my new signature.

[luise.volta]

Many many eons ago, I was in love with a med student. That's actually why I became a nurse...because I thought I would be a more understanding wife. We lived in different states, so it was a while before I met his mother. When he took me home, she marched into the room, put her hands on her hips, glared at me and said..."Well, I don't think we need to be introduced, do, we?"

I broke it off immediately.

[holliberri]

Pen,

My MIL certainly isn't horrid, but my relationship with DH developed very far away from her. We were engaged as I was meeting her. I'm not sure that I would've had the time to consider that; I'm also not sure if I ever thought we'd have such a level of uncomfort with one another when she really wasn't around for my courtship.

Maybe that means I should've waited to be married, but I don't know that I had that option...I also don't know that it would have been fair to DH to wait, when I love him as I do, to figure out if she'd be accepting of me and my flaws.

I don't know that we all are given a fair opportunity to think about that, and I think you're the only one I've "met" that had the foresight to think about that. I never knew of anyone who broke off an engagement/turned down a proposal due to in-laws. However, I do know a lot of people in therapy b/c of issues with them.

[holliberri]

Haha...Luise has proven me wrong. 

[luise.volta]

I'd like to say I never looked back...but of course I did. It was very traumatic and I choose not to tell him why.

[Pooh]

Me too.  I think there are wonderful people out there that don't get to pick who their family is.  I do think that if you watch how a family treats each other, that you get some insight maybe.  If you met my brother, you would think "Oh, his parents must be materialistic and snobby" because he is, but that is far from the truth.  My brother is just that way.

[luise.volta]

When Kirk's dad took me home for dinner the first time...his mother served us and ate in the kitchen. I had know the family all my life and paid no attention. 

[lovelyd]

Laurie,

1. Laurie, I have set up boundaries for myself. My two week rule is one of them, like I said it was a compromise from her wanting to stay for 3 months. If shes mad at me for only allowing two weeks, imagine how she would feel if I only let her stay for a weekend. I don't want to drive two hrs with three children (all my children are under 3 yrs old). Two hr drive isn't exactly practical when you have children that age. Also, she lives in a small one bedroom studio. How would that work?

2. Of course I dread her visits. Its pretty hard to look forward to a visit from someone whom you don't get along with.

3. I'm not sure I know what you mean here. But when we used to live near her in DC, I would pick her up for lunch. We now live in VA, two hrs away.

4. I mentioned that my husband told her to get a life AFTER she said she wanted to move in with us. Please reread that. DH would never tell his move to get a life for nothing. He's actually not rude he's a very loving husband and son. Telling someone to get a life isn't rude if they really do need to get a life.

5. My husband is a better cook than I am. And when he cooks you can be sure he likes to be the only one in the kitchen, I respect that (and I like that). He actually used to be a chef. I don't have a daughter, what are you talking about? I guess if I did have a daughter my relationship with her would be different from the one I have with my MIL, I hope. And yes, there can only be one Queen Bee in a Bee Hive. Look it up.

Laurie I am talking as a women, its not like I'm talking as a man. I think you have so much anger that you are missing my points, over looking my comments and making wrong assumptions. I'm not sure if this anger you have is because of me or if it was already there to begin with...

[lovelyd]

"...but its the DIL that are the monsters." Huh?

Luise, I said "SOME" DILs can be mosters too. I said that in response to what other MILs where saying about their relationships. Remember don't generalized. I got in trouble on here for that remember?

[luise.volta]

Oh, I didn't see the "some" there. Since I copied and pasted it...it must not have been there. Or, maybe I was copying and pasting someone else's copying and pasting and they dropped that word? Possible, I suppose.

Don't take me on, you'll never win. If you want the kind of clout I have, you need your own Web-forum....and they are very expensive!