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Why DILs Do What We Do & Why

Started by lovelyd, February 04, 2011, 05:02:42 PM

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lovelyd

Hi Laurie,

To respond about the two week long visits. I didn't mention that she would actually like to have a 3 month visist! I'm not comfortable with that (of course) so I thought two weeks would be a nice compromise. I'd be okay with her just taking three days actually. Oh, and part about my husband telling her to get a life. I left out that he told her that after she told him that she wanted to move in with us!!!!!! I'm not setting her up for failure, shes setting herself up.

As far as "helping out" in the kitchen. I've insisted many times that I like to cook alone, she still comes in behind me to "help".  And yes, the mall does call my name when she comes to town. Its either go to the mall or sit with a person I'm not comfortable with, not exactly a hard decision.

I notice that you didn't respond to any of the comments I made about how I TRIED for THREE YEARS to please her & befreind her. You only responded to my comments about me & DHs actions... If someone doesn't want to be tried like a MIL then they should't act like one...

Pooh

Quote from: lovelyd on February 06, 2011, 12:42:52 PM
... If someone doesn't want to be tried like a MIL then they should't act like one...

I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you will have to explain that line to me because it sounds like you did just lump all MILs into one category.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lovelyd

Laurie,

Also, please go back and read my comment posted #10, I think. I did say some nice things about my MIL and letting her see the kids, perhaps you missed that.

When my MIL comes to visit she comes from of state (about two hrs away) I'd like to start thinking of away she can see GKs without her actually having to stay with us longer than two weeks (as you say thats a set up for failure). None of us can afford a hotel so that option is out. If you can think of anything else, I'm all ears... seriously:)

luise.volta

Could you explain  what you meant by "If someone doesn't want to be tried like a MIL then they should't act like one..." I honestly don't get it.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I didn't either, that's why I asked too.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lovelyd

Sure Pooh,

Laurie said that I should treat my MIL as a person not a MIL, or something to that affect. Sorry I don't know how to use the quote thing yet.

Anywho, what I meant is if my MIL wants to be treated with respect she shouldn't act like the stereotypical MIL.  Picture the MIL from the sitcom "Everybody Love Raymond". My MIL really does fit that stereotype. Not all of them do, but mine does.  Pls let me know your thoughts on that? How do you handle a MIL like that in real life.

PS
If you don't watch "Everybody Loves Raymond", perhaps you've seen the movie "Monster-in-Law with Jane Fonda & Jennifer Lopez. My MIL is like that one too.

LaurieS

Quote from: lovelyd on February 06, 2011, 12:42:52 PM
If someone doesn't want to be tried like a MIL then they should't act like one...
This is my point all together.. I feel that you are not here to try and salvage your relationship, instead your original posting was to kinda inform us of how a DIL sees life.  I also feel that the wall that I spoke of comes through clearly when you go on to make a statement like the one above.  I feel (once again IMHO) that you have this preconceived notion of what a MIL is.. it's black or white.. and I see it being a bad thing in your mind.

Yes I did get where you tried to get along with your mil, for 3 long years...but once again instead of coming here and trying to see if there was a pathway left uncovered you instead came here to explain why this just isn't going to work. 


luise.volta

I think you should put her on a raft and push her out into shark infested waters....(just for a little while until she gets it.)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

That's where I think people get in trouble, by stereo-typing anyone.  I have never, even with all the issues with my own personal DIL, said "Don't act like a DIL", because that is just plain wrong.  There are many, many wonderful DILs out there that don't deserve to be stereo-typed.

I think if you really want to figure out how to heal the relationship, you are going to have to start seeing her as a person, not a title and go from there.  Just as you want to be seen and respected as a person.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

I do think that people come here sometimes so fed up that they don't have an open mind and just want to to vent and be heard, rationalize their position and be right. But/and often, what others say seeps through. It can go from "yeah, but" to "Oh, I see."

I was the first to jump on this girl when she came here loaded for bear and spoke in generalities...and with others, I asked for specifics. I also know at the same age in the same circumstances, I would have been totally overwhelmed.

When you get a chance, read my story about my MIL under Success Stories. She helped "bring me up" because I wasn't wife-material when I married her son. I think it can be equally true that some are not initially MIL material.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

That is what I was seeing too.  That she has a bad relationship with her MIL, that she has been trying for 3 years, that she admitting the things she has done wrong too.  I also took some of her list differently than others might have.  I was totally guilty of hiding in other rooms with my Ex-MIL at family things.  I would see where she was and head for another group, just to avoid controversary.  I also saw myself in the post on what DH was telling her.  My ex-DH complained about his Mother to me all the time.  But when it came down to it, he still loved her so I did what I could to get along and attend events and holidays. 

When someone comes in and says "Oh and I am guilty of this" right off the bat, instead of just saying, "They did this, they did that..." I feel better about waiting on additional posts.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lovelyd

Laurie,

You didn't respond to some very important points I made about the following. 1) why she stays for two weeks 2) how its me not her who's setting herself up for failure 3) how I could allow her to see the GK without having to stay with her longer than three weeks 4) the reason why my husband told her to get a life. 5) her "helping out" in the kitchen with I've asked her not too. Also, I mentioned before that I came her to give my prospective as to why DILs get so defensive (or at least me) some MILs don't seem to understand it. PLEASE give your opinion on those comments...

Luise
I would, but I'm afford she would scare the sharks away... LOL, I KID, I KID. I would never want to do that.

Pooh,
We shouldn't stereotype but how many of us don't. The truth is some people really do fit the stereotypes. I could care less about her "title" its her actions that offend me.

lovelyd

sorry for all the typos. I'm trying to respond to everyone quickly before I have to leave the computer. Anyway, just do the best you can to understand my post and respond. Thanks

Pooh

It's only the truth if you agree with it and allow yourself to do it.  I saw five doctors before I got a good diagnosis and one that cared.  I didn't say "All Docs are quacks."  I had a bad boss one time, but I didn't say, "All boss's are jerks."  I have a friend who's kids are terrible, but I don't say "All kids are brats."  I had a terrible first husband, but I don't say "All men are stupid." 

I take each person on merit and go from there.  So I guess I will just answer with, I don't.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lovelyd

Pooh,  thanks for seeing that I was admitting that I haven't reacted in the best light. That's something I'm going to have to work on. And thanks for seeing the the bad behavior has been on both ends.

Laurie, thanks for your suggested readings. I don't think you jumped on me, you had the right to respond to what I said if I offended you. I did generalize, so you were right about that. I feel sorry for all the MIL who really are loving to their DIL but its the DIL that are the monsters.

At any rate, I wasn't exactly expecting the MIL to fall in love with me when I submitted this post. So, I'm not complaining...