Why DILs Do What We Do & Why

[LaurieS]

I know I've admitted to this before.. when we moved into this house I decided to put two beds in my master.. I was just tired of lousy sleep due to our rock hard mattress that dh loves and needs... so I bought myself a squishy pillow top and the beds are right next to each other.. kinda like Lucy and Desi (remember them?)  The last time two of the kids were home, my ds and his gf took the guest room and dd and her bf took the extra bedroom.. I stood there thinking.. the kids are all sleeping together with their 'others' and dh and I are in separate beds.. what's this world come to. 

[Pen]

Pam1, you should open a wax museum. You could arrange everyone just so and they'd stay put 

I like the idea of entertaining & having guests, but not the reality...I guess I really am a hermit crab, LOL.

Laurie, I'm so jealous! I want my own bed. I love DH, but I can't sleep well anymore. He'd feel rejected, though

[LaurieS]

Actually at first my dh did feel rejected.. but the other night we were looking at hotels for our august trip.. he said oh look this room has two queen beds.. how about that one .. lol.. I know he is sleeping better as well.  My constant tossing and turning was keeping him awake as he is a very light sleeper... we looked at the sleep number beds but for the 3k that they cost I decided that I could buy a second full size bed in my required comfort level for a lot less money. 

At Christmas.. I put 6 of the kids in our room.. 2 in each bed and I put a full size mattress in my closet there were a total of five dogs of various sizes and dh and I slept in the spare bedroom.. it was perfect

[lovelyd]

You're right for whoever said I was being defensive. In fact, that was my whole point!!!!! Some DILs have felt the need to defend themselves against our MILs, as a reaction for things she's done to us. Perhaps I should have worded my title differently, maybe "the reasons DILs get defensive" or something like that. Point is, I thought it might actually help MILs if they knew why we do what we do. Some don't seem to know.

Also, I didn't say that I never let my MIL see the kids. She sees them when she comes for a two week visit. What I was saying was, if my MIL and I had a better relationship, I would allow her to stay longer, therefore she would get to see the kids longer. However, we don't get along so I don't want her to stay longer (duh). I actually think I deserve an award for letting her stay two weeks. lol

Now is it fair for DILs to get defensive and react the way we do? Maybe/maybe not, but this is not a game I invented. I'm telling you MILs that this is the way many (not all) DILs will react to bad behavior whether you think it's fair or not. At the end of the day is it really worth losing the relationship you have with your grandkids or DS? I'm not even suggesting you have to like your DIL just respect her, if nothing else, so you can have peace.

And remember MILs, people of my generation (I'm 30) tend to look at difficult relationships as optional. I think the older generations (my MIL is 73) had more loyalty. I'm not saying which generation is right. I'm just saying that's the way it is. Don't kill the messenger

[holliberri]

I'm not sure you're saying anything we haven't said before. Everyone on here knows my issues with my MIL, it's my MIL that can't wrap her brain around it.

Conversely, I get what the MILs issues are with their DIL...I still can't quite grasp what MIL's issue is with me (could be that she doesn't have any; that doesn't help me).

I just think it's a tad more complex than what you're saying.

[pam1]

lovelyd, lol that's what we've been doing since Luise opened this board!  I mean, we aren't announcing our intentions to teach one another but we talk it out. 

You DO have some good points but you've got some flaws -- I'm a DIL, not MIL...yet and your reasons for being defensive here or even with your MIL don't resonate with me at all.  So why speak for me or anyone else?  Just do it for yourself.

Look, I can see you really can benefit here.  Not all people can, they either aren't willing or even in a place where they could chose to be willing to help themselves.  You can...

[pam1]

Pam1, you should open a wax museum. You could arrange everyone just so and they'd stay put 

I like the idea of entertaining & having guests, but not the reality...I guess I really am a hermit crab, LOL.

Laurie, I'm so jealous! I want my own bed. I love DH, but I can't sleep well anymore. He'd feel rejected, though

That reminds me of that terrible horror movie about a town full of wax people.  Ick. 

I want my own bed too.  It sounds like a fabulous idea to me, I think DH and I would both get better sleep. 

[lovelyd]

Thanks pam1 for pointing out that I have some points as well as flaws.For some reason its easier to forget I have them too. I really do want to get along with my MIL, I just gave up trying. However, I don't really want to be the kind of mom who uses her kids as "weapons". Though it really is easier to distance myself and my children rather than trying to deal with her. On the other hand, my kids can benefit from having my MIL in their lives after all, shes had years of life experience, shes wise in many ways, and has raised to good kids of her own.

As far as speaking for everyone, I don't think I am. Not all DILs are like me, I'm sure. I'll be more careful about how I word things so that I'm sure I'm speaking strictly for myself.

[Pen]

You're right for whoever said I was being defensive. In fact, that was my whole point!!!!! Some DILs have felt the need to defend themselves against our MILs, as a reaction for things she's done to us. Perhaps I should have worded my title differently, maybe "the reasons DILs get defensive" or something like that. Point is, I thought it might actually help MILs if they knew why we do what we do. Some don't seem to know.

Also, I didn't say that I never let my MIL see the kids. She sees them when she comes for a two week visit. What I was saying was, if my MIL and I had a better relationship, I would allow her to stay longer, therefore she would get to see the kids longer. However, we don't get along so I don't want her to stay longer (duh). I actually think I deserve an award for letting her stay two weeks. lol

Now is it fair for DILs to get defensive and react the way we do? Maybe/maybe not, but this is not a game I invented. I'm telling you MILs that this is the way many (not all) DILs will react to bad behavior whether you think it's fair or not. At the end of the day is it really worth losing the relationship you have with your grandkids or DS? I'm not even suggesting you have to like your DIL just respect her, if nothing else, so you can have peace.

And remember MILs, people of my generation (I'm 30) tend to look at difficult relationships as optional. I think the older generations (my MIL is 73) had more loyalty. I'm not saying which generation is right. I'm just saying that's the way it is. Don't kill the messenger

Lovelyd, welcome. I agree with those who say 2 weeks is too long by easily a week if not more. I'm a DIL & an MIL, and as much as I loved my MIL, and as sad as I always was to see her leave, I think I'd have been a basket case by week 2. How about cutting short those long visits and making a commitment to keep her up-to-date on her GC's doings? Maybe once a month make sure she gets the latest news/pics? You probably do so with your own FOO & friends anyway, so adding her to the list isn't a big deal.

I agree that with some people difficult relationships are viewed as optional, but it's not just your generation. The "me" school of pop psychology back in the '70's paved the way for those beliefs. My DF, SM (elderly folks), and a few friends of my generation (sliding into senior citizenship any day now) have no trouble moving on rather than working things out.

Here's the thing - young DILs haven't yet experienced MIL-hood, whereas most of us MILs have been DILs. I do believe most of the MILs on this site consciously decided NOT to be difficult MILs when their kids married and are sincerely confused about the treatment they are getting from DILs, DILs FOO & often DS who has to keep them all happy.

DH & I totally backed off even before the wedding although we were still helping DS financially and were willing to pay for the groom's side wedding expenses (more lavish than we would have budgeted for, but we did it anyway.) We've given no advice, have never dropped in, rarely call or text, do not put DIL or her FOO down to DS, do not expect holiday visits, etc. There is no reason for our DIL to hate us but she does, and since she's in charge of their social calendar we get the the leftovers if anything while her FOO sees them daily and for every holiday and celebration.

Picture yourself raising your child lovingly and responsibly; taking them around to their various activities, cheering them on; making sure they are healthy and safe; paying for college; enjoying them as adults, having great discussions, proud of their accomplishments; having an easy, friendly and fun time when you see them - and suddenly nothing. It hurts, it's confusing and it is unnecessary.

[LaurieS]

I want my own bed too.  It sounds like a fabulous idea to me, I think DH and I would both get better sleep.

I read an article while waiting at an office about 2 weeks ago that talked about this very thing...Who knew that Lucy and Desi were trend setters It spoke about how especially in a world where most families rely on dual incomes that it has become more prevalent to see couples sleeping in separate beds.. Quite a few were even in separate rooms.. one couple had taken this to separate floors of the house.

I never realized it but as you get older your sleeping pressure points are more effected by reduced movement through the night...it really made sense when he demanded a rock hard bed and I want fluffy and cloud like.  This just gives date night a new meaning.  I also like to let my chihuahuas snuggle with me because they are such cold natured little things.. hubby for some reason was getting upset over having his ear lobe licked in the middle of the night by a dog. 

My mom came to visit.. when she saw my new bedroom she thought that we used one bed and let guest use the other..lol..no I'm not that crazy yet.

[pam1]

I think it makes sense.  I talk too much in my sleep and he moves too much.  We might need separate rooms.  Half the time I end up on the couch anyway.

I can't sleep with the dogs either.  Most of mine have short faces so they snore very loudly.  Heck, most of them snore when they are awake.  I can't sleep through that.

[seasage]

DH & I totally backed off even before the wedding although we were still helping DS financially and were willing to pay for the groom's side wedding expenses (more lavish than we would have budgeted for, but we did it anyway.) We've given no advice, have never dropped in, rarely call or text, do not put DIL or her FOO down to DS, do not expect holiday visits, etc. There is no reason for our DIL to hate us but she does, and since she's in charge of their social calendar we get the the leftovers if anything while her FOO sees them daily and for every holiday and celebration.

Picture yourself raising your child lovingly and responsibly; taking them around to their various activities, cheering them on; making sure they are healthy and safe; paying for college; enjoying them as adults, having great discussions, proud of their accomplishments; having an easy, friendly and fun time when you see them - and suddenly nothing. It hurts, it's confusing and it is unnecessary.

Uncanny.  Did I write that?  Same story here. 

[LaurieS]

Yes, Pen's posting has a heart hurting twinge of my reality in it.

[catchingup]

Lovelyd I have not read all the replies here but I can fully understand where you are coming from.
I had a sergeant major MIL (She was a SM in the army) so I will leave the rest to your imagination.

Would she go into a friends house and take over the household?
It could be that she is trying to feel useful. One never knows what motivates people but I know that because of the problem I had with my MIL I will never do anything in one of my DIL's homes unless I am asked to.;
The one and only thing I will credit the old duck with is that she taught me to never interfere in my sons marriages. Full stop.

[luise.volta]

I loved having my own room. When I turned 9 years old, my big sister left for college and I got her room and I have loved having my own room ever since. It's a choice and has nothing to do with relationship and love...it is about being a light sleeper and also needing alone time to stay balanced.

On the subject of problem MILs and problem DILs, we come in every possible guise. When writing here, it works best not to generalize because everyone is a unique individual. When each one of us states what we are up against, then the rest of us can jump in, if we wish. Not jump on. Big difference. There is no right and no wrong. For every trend in every generation, there are exceptions. What matters is what each one of us is wresting with and the simpatico that arises when we find we are not alone or we find someone has tried something we didn't yet think of and it works. Sending love...