So sad... seems like all that work and stress was for nothing in the end

[jill]

Welcome Winnie, there are many wise women here, and you will feel comfort and support.  I would certainly go to therapy with your children, it sounds like they want things to improve.  You are not alone here, so keep posting and vent if you need to....Jill

[cadagi101]

I am new to this site, but I think it is already helping me.  I have two grown children, with families and successful careers and you would not believe how they have talked to me, especially my son.  Both children, at different times in their grown up lives, have asked me to go to therapy with them.  Is this common?  My husband (father of both children) of many years, shares in the pain.  One of the children is a recovering alcoholic, but appears to blame me for his alcoholism, too. My husband says all of this blame is hogwash, but it doesn't change both of us trying very hard to understand and change things.  I am currently going through a three-day crying jag from a reeling phone call my son made to me!  Any suggestions?

Winnie,
hi and welcome,  I have  empathy , and am sympathetic believe me and I know somewhat how you feel.   My opinion is short, sweet and to the point,  and I say this because I hate seeing kind and decent mothers hurting and being blamed for there adult childrens every  failing in life, rather they don't take any responsibility for themselves,  they are often  ungrateful narrcisists brats.

To my point and forgive me as it is no way structured sound advice but for your sanity and your welbeing move beyond their nastiness, don't cry another tear for them  fill your days with things you love and people who appreciate and love you.   

I also think that if  your children are offering to go to therapy with you, I think you are very lucky, that to me say's they want there relationship with you to work and you will all have the opportunity to all share in a safe environment.    Be strong and speak with conviction in your counselling session.      We  mothers  make/made  mistakes, we did the best we knew how when raising our families and we should not blame ourselves or be hurt by what they say to us now.   You did the best you could at the time.    They can and will interpret your actions how they want, you can't change what they think.   

All the best
Julia

[cadagi101]

Oh, Creme, you made me cry!   But it was a good cry!   Isn't it true?? knowing you did the best you could at the time with what you had, but I still feel guilty.   And you're right, they know it and take advantage of it.    My daughter just told me recently that her sister feels like she "deserves" all the things I give her and doesn't feel the need to say thank you to me for them.   I must have raised some unthoughtful children, just like myself.   It is a learning experience though, let me tell you!   Sometimes I'd like to say to them, "I hope you're as perfect in your life as you expected me to be and still expect me to be".   Whatever..

maybe that is just what you should say to them...I would.....and I would stop giving them pronto, until they give something to you, meaning, treating you with respect, you see, you can't buy your kids, cuz if you do, you create a monster...and your trying to buy there love, but don't realize it, you think if you give them what they want, they will realize how much you love them, but yanno what, they'll use you more and respect you less....that in itself is going to take you some work....but, remember, when you say no, they're going to act out....and they will cut you off for awhile, maybe a long time, but if you endure it, in the end, you'll love yourself more....you need to work on you, and do things for you, and enjoy life, your kids are grown, it's they're turn to live they're lives, however, it's now your turn to....remember that and stop feeling guilty...LOL

Make a list, of things you've always wanted to do for you...I bet you've even forgotten about your dreams....make a list, and make it small stuff at first....

Like, Go out to eat by yourself
Take a 3 day vacation by the beach
Take long walks..
visit a museum
Go to a concert
and accomplish one per month, one every other week or one once a week, but let your kids go, and do things for you now....

you deserve it.



Hugs to you
Creme

Winnie, re-read Creme's post, well put and very good advice.

[cremebrulee]

I'm so glad I found this site, and I want to thank all of you for your words of wisdom!   Being beat up by my kids so much lately, I have been feeling like such a failure, but you all have slapped me back into reality, and made me start thinking different thoughts.   I admit I did a lot of things wrong, but I sure didn't do "everything" wrong, and like some of you have said, our children seem to only remember the bad things and forget to give us credit for the good things we've done.   Thank you all so much!   ~Hugs~

This reminds me of the movie Pretty Woman, when she said, "when people tell you your no good long enough, you start to believe it, and it is so true...dear lady, you need positive reinforcement in your life, go be where it is, and ignore the other stuff....you are a wonderful and beautiful human being, very significant and speacial..in WHO you are...refine it, and learn to love yourself...you deserve that...everyone does....

[cremebrulee]

Oh, Creme, you made me cry!   But it was a good cry!   Isn't it true?? knowing you did the best you could at the time with what you had, but I still feel guilty.   And you're right, they know it and take advantage of it.    My daughter just told me recently that her sister feels like she "deserves" all the things I give her and doesn't feel the need to say thank you to me for them.   I must have raised some unthoughtful children, just like myself.   It is a learning experience though, let me tell you!   Sometimes I'd like to say to them, "I hope you're as perfect in your life as you expected me to be and still expect me to be".   Whatever..

maybe that is just what you should say to them...I would.....and I would stop giving them pronto, until they give something to you, meaning, treating you with respect, you see, you can't buy your kids, cuz if you do, you create a monster...and your trying to buy there love, but don't realize it, you think if you give them what they want, they will realize how much you love them, but yanno what, they'll use you more and respect you less....that in itself is going to take you some work....but, remember, when you say no, they're going to act out....and they will cut you off for awhile, maybe a long time, but if you endure it, in the end, you'll love yourself more....you need to work on you, and do things for you, and enjoy life, your kids are grown, it's they're turn to live they're lives, however, it's now your turn to....remember that and stop feeling guilty...LOL

Make a list, of things you've always wanted to do for you...I bet you've even forgotten about your dreams....make a list, and make it small stuff at first....

Like, Go out to eat by yourself
Take a 3 day vacation by the beach
Take long walks..
visit a museum
Go to a concert
and accomplish one per month, one every other week or one once a week, but let your kids go, and do things for you now....

you deserve it.



Hugs to you
Creme

Winnie, re-read Creme's post, well put and very good advice.

Thank you Julia, been wondering about you, haven't seen you for awhile and hope your doing well....

Hugs
Creme

[hurtmomof3]

I have BEGGED my children to go to counseling with me, either as a group, or individually, and they all flat out refuse.   My youngest told me that since I "wouldn't talk to her when she wanted me to as a child", she isn't going to talk to me now.   The other aspect of this ordeal is that my children have now become "friendly" with the toxic sister of mine, and she has told them things (I have no idea what things), but none of them will respond to my emails, phone calls, or anything.   It all so confusing and hurtful.   The other side of it too, is that now all my children seem to be closer amongst themselves than they ever have been (which is what I've always wanted for them), but they are all making FB posts about how great their lives are, with pictures attached of them together, either all, or a combination of whoever, and they KNOW that I want NOTHING in this world more than to be a part of that too, but they just refuse to let me in.   My oldest had practically every opportunity imaginable afforded to her, in that she had 10 years of dance, years of instrument lessons, girl scouts, birthday parties with all her friends, and the list goes on.   She was afforded laser eye surgery, free airfare to visit on more than several occasions, and a whole lot more, only to tell me she doesn't want me in her life because I told her I felt betrayed that she looked up my poisonous sister.   WHERE does it ever end?   My therapist told me to let them go, all of them.   She said it has to be their move to come back to me if that ever happens, and if it doesn't, I need to try to find a way to deal with it.   Thank you all for your kind words, support, and advice.  ~Hugs~

[cremebrulee]

yanno what momofthree
if you want to go to counseling, go....without them, and don't allow them to treat you the way they do...I have a friend whose daughter is such a spoiled brat, she's been angry at her mom all of her life, years and years, and when she asked her why, she said, "because you made me cleam my room and the bathroom"?  Well, my answer to her would have been, "tough" get over it....!  and maybe that's what you have to do....it is beyond me, whey children are so cruel to they're parents...? 

My advice would be, go where you need to go to get positive reinforcement and learn how to deal with things the way they are, but do not be a doormat to any of them....and if they come around, and this is just me, and may not be for you....I would tell them right out....
"we are a family, yes, I made some mistakes, but I also did right by you kids at that time, which was the best I could do physically and mentally", so if you decide that you want to be a family again, fine, but you are not going to talk to me and or treat me this way any longer...and if you don't go along with that, then just stay away....period.  Believe me, they are going to make mistakes to....and they need to face reality and grow up....they are acting like spoiled children...and you don't deserve it.

Life is way to short, and YOU my dear, deserve happiness, so make your own....do what it takes to fulfill dreams...make a list, small goals at first, of things your going to accomplish or always wanted to accomplish...maybe one thing a week...or month, and then when that time is over, shoot for something a bit larger....don't make your goals so big at first, that you can't accomplish them, just sit down and begin to learn how to dream again and fulfill those dreams. 

Read some books, and if where you live is not warm yet, plan on spring, a "things to do list"...start walking, maybe get a puppy, go to the beach or lake for a day, take a book along and a picnic lunch, just for you....take puppy with you....enroll in a puppy kindergarden class, enroll in a book club class, or any confounded classes you would like....

but do things for you and have fun doing them, ride a bike, take horseback riding lessons, go to a live orchastrated concert...summer time if full of festive events...go to them, don't stay home and don't wait for someone to go with you, go alone....and learn to enjoy the company you keep.
and at the top of every list you make, put in big big letters....

LOVE YOURSELF....

learn to enjoy you...and forget about needing the kids to fulfill your life, you don't need anyone in your life who treats you less then you deserve to be treated....

Big big big hugs
Creme

[hurtmomof3]

Thanks again Creme, and all the others who have posted, I appreciate your advice and kind words.   

[hurtmomof3]

Very difficult to find a good therapist.   I've tried several, but get discouraged due to lack of professionalism, concern, or constant watch "watching".   It's a difficult task, and expensive.