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Why DILs Do What We Do & Why

Started by lovelyd, February 04, 2011, 05:02:42 PM

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lovelyd

I know that many MILs get annoyed by there DILs, so I thought I'd offer some insight  as to why we do the things we do. Sure there are some DILs that are just plan evil, but I believe most women actually start out by wanting there MILs acceptance. Over time, if we are not getting that, we react (at least that's my story). Here are the issues I've had with my MIL and my reactions to them:

1. I didn't stand up to her in the beginning of our relationship. She would come to our home and take over everything from cooking, cleaning, & kids. I just let her do it even though it offended me. After three years of it, I finally set some boundries. She doesn't like the boundries, but at least now she realizes there can only be one woman of the house.

2. I don't call her.  When she comes to visit, I find myself hiding from her. I go in the other room, out to the mall, where ever. I will be nice and spend time with her but only in small doses. I just think the best way to get over the MIL/DIL stress is to keep distance.

3. I probably don't allow her as much time with the kids as I should. I admit its an ego trip on my part. Its my way of getting back at her for interfering in my relationship with DH and my relationship with my children. She does see the kids for two weeks when she comes to visit, if we had a better relationship I would allow her to stay longer.

4. I got caught up in the "Queen Bee" game (we've both played it). "Queen bee" meaning the queen the house. I don't like playing this game, but I will. My MIL is fourty years older than me. Perhaps that's why she's tried to take such control. After three years of marriage, I felt a real need to stand up for myself. I'm a devoted wife and mother. So, I just wanted to prove to my MIL that I deserve respect too.

Unfortunately DH is caught in the middle, a very hard place for any man. He loves his mom, but loves me also. This might hurt my MIL but DH has taken my side on these istances because he has seen for himself just who started this war. Fortunately, he understands why I've reacted the way I have. He dosen't like that it has to come to his, but he understands.

Being a DIL really isnt easy. When you say "I Do" you think it will be just your husband and yourself living happily ever after. We don't dream of other people coming into our marriage. MILs have to accept that when a child gets married there is a certain letting go that needs to be done.  I do realize how extremely difficult letting go can be for a Mom (DILs will have to too do it one day) but its part of being a mom. My oldest son starts daycare soon, so I'm doing some letting go right there.  If all else fails just try to remember when you where young and what you wanted from you MIL the most.

PS
If your child is in an abusive relationship or your grandchildren are being abused and neglected than you have every right to interfere (and you should) but if you see your child is married to a great spouse and grandchildren are happy and loved, why not show your DIL some appreciation, in that case she will react by showing appreciation to you.

luise.volta

You think we don't? You've got a lot of posts to read and a lot of home work to do here.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


luise.volta

I was responding to your remark "why not show your DIL some appreciation."

That was your first post and I have suggested that you read the subjects here, the stories...hundreds of them...and come back after you have an idea what this site is all about. We are not a MIL site...we are a site that looks at what's up for all of us...MIL, DIL, Parents who have lost adult children...women doing their best to support and love each other.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

lovelyd

Oh Okay...

Well, actually no I don't think many MILs show their DILs appreciation at all.  Also, I did read many of the post (not hundreds I admit, but many of them). It seems that the MILs here doing a lot of complaining about their DILs, their DS who have turned on them, and not seeing their grandchildren. Some MILs generally seemed confused about it. None of these post mentioned why they thought this was happening, and none of the them mentions how MILs show appreciation to their DILs so I thought I'd offer my insight. It's possible that it could help someone.

I realize by the tone of your response that I've offended you, but if this dosen't apply to you and that's not the MIL you are, than you need not be offended. After all, is there anything in my post that you feel is wrong. If so what is it?

LaurieS

I guess after reading your post I could only ask.. what if your husband acted like this towards your mother?  What if your dad came over to talk to him and he ran out of the door and said sorry but the mall is calling.  What if when your parents came over your husband refused to let them see the children, after all they are his children.. I think you would be demanding a little more respect from your husband is what I think. I think you'd be demanding that if he loves you then he will respect your parents.

While you choose to play  Queen Bee, he could be choosing to play the Macho Man game.  But I'm getting the feeling that this is not the case.  When your mother comes by is she expected to act solely as a guest or is she comfortable enough to help herself to a cup of coffee or wash up her cup if she so chooses to.  Why do you not jump on your hive and challenge her to a good go round of, respect me or else.
Quote3. I probably don't allow her as much time with the kids as I should. I admit its an ego trip on my part. Its my way of getting back at her for interfering in my relationship with DH and my relationship with my children.
Now seriously tell me who is playing the games here?

lovelyd

Great questions Laurie, in fact my husband and I have had that conversation! He told me if it was my family that threated him the way his mom has treated me he would feel the same way I do!  But yes, he gets along great with my family. They loooove him and vice versa. I think SILs tend to get along better with MILs as opposed to DILs and MILs.

A guy once told me that when a daughter gets married a mother feels like shes gaining a son, but when a son gets married a mother feels like shes losing her baby. Maybe thats way sons have less drama from the MILs. I don't know.

PS
I could care less if my MIL helps herself to a cup of coffee and washes her cup. Actually I'd rather she do it anyway... Was that a joke?

holliberri

Hey Lovely,

If you want my thoughts; I'm sure it works both ways. I don't know if us DILs show enough appreciation back. I'm not sure it matters who owes what first, but more a matter of who is going to give in first. And, I'm certainly not speaking for everyone on this board; there are several people here that I think are being treated downright unfairly, and haven't even been given a chance.

Also, I think the issue is that DILs want different things than their MILs did when they were younger. My MIL wanted to be a second daughter. Not me. I have a mom, no room for two. She is very dependent on other people, and I'm not. While I was looking for her acceptance, I wasn't looking for a close relationship. I have a feeling that this is what she wanted most from her MIL. I think she's been very good about doing what she would've wanted as a DIL, but we're all different.  I think she wanted to get these things immediately as a DIL, whereas I like to wait and see what will come to pass. I think it's hard to nail down what exactly DILs like across the board, and vice versa.

Some MILs on here want to see their GKs near daily; others don't. Some are even a little apprehensive about babysitting at all. Some really want a mother/daughter relationship with DIL, others aren't really interested in that but more just mutual respect. Some expect to play hostess son visits, while others are taking a more laid back approach.

I know my issue is flexibility, as is my MILs.

lovelyd

that's true hellebore. When I said that MILs should remember what they wanted the most from the MILs I was really thinking of my own.

My husband told me that growing up his mom didn't get along with her MIL (his grandma) for the same reasons her and I don't get along. I find that completely crazy!! I'd think that my MIL would be more understanding since she knows what it feels like. He even told me that she wouldn't let him and his brother go see her because his mom didn't like her. And get this, my husband told me that when his grandmother died his mom actually felt a bit relieved.

I know I may come across as a witch, but the truth is it didn't have to be this way. I really did try to make my MIL happy. I would invite her over to our house for lunch, I drove out of my way to give her rides (she doesn't drive), I gave her gifts for no spacial occasion, encouraged her to be alone with her son so they could have some mother son time, offer to let her watch the grandkids... I could go on. BELEIVE me nothing worked. I tried every trick in the book. I finally gave up after three long years! I can't think of what else I could have done. I'm telling you my MIL is older and stuck in her ways.

lovelyd

PS
Even my DH (her son) gets tired of her and tells me that he doesn't want her to stay over for more than two weeks. You KNOW somethings wrong when even the son is tired of being around his own mom. Because trust me he loves her as much as any son could love a mom but has confessed to be that he wishes she would get her own life. HIS WORDS PEOPLE.

holliberri

I don't know. 2 weeks seems excessive to me; especially rooming in. If you guys are comfortable with that, that's great...but I think the time factor could be why it seems like you can only take her in small doses.

I think we've all come to a few conclusions here:

1.) Visits are fine; stay in a hotel.
2.) 3 days, max.

I parted friends with a girlfriend after she visited me in Italy. I can't really remember what happened, but 2 weeks was probably at least a week too long.

pam1

2 weeks is a really looooooooong time for any guest, even ones I like.  What is that saying about guests and fish?

You make some good points but why are you so defensive?  It's like your looking for a fight here.  Just post your experience and we will believe you, trust me.  There's no one to prove anything to here, dear.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

luise.volta

This isn't a choose up sides and duke it out site. When a first post generalizes in a critical way...it's doesn't serve anyone. Now, as Pam1 says, your experience, what you are up against and what some of us may be able to offer, that's a different story.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

Quotethat's true hellebore
Lol.. love the new name Holliberri.. bet that is the first time you've been called helle-bore

Your first post did not paint you in a very flattering light.  You appeared to be ready for the gloves to come off... You will also find here that most women are rightfully offended when someone blatantly says that they will use their children to teach someone else a lesson. Most women here be it MIL's  or DIL's view children as humans and not weapons of mass heartache.

While I have always  gotten along with my own mil, a two week visit would have been to much.. I think Holli's three days may be to short :) but that's just wishful thinking on her  part.

If you take the time to really read, not simply skim over some of the previous postings you'll find that very few people are here to call it quits within their own families.. there are women who are having dil problems.. problems with their own  dd's, their sons, etc... The simple fact here is, if we wanted to call it quits and cop a snotty attitude then we probably wouldn't be here to begin with. 

Stick around you may find ways  to improve your own relationship with your  MIL if that is your reason for stopping in.

holliberri

February 04, 2011, 07:55:42 PM #14 Last Edit: February 04, 2011, 07:59:36 PM by holliberri
Hey now, that's not my rule. That's just what I have gathered on here after much research. It does seem to be mentioned a lot. See Pam's post. She even mentions the cliche.

...And considering I see MIL every 6 weeks and she won't won't WON'T stay in a hotel...3 days is just fine, now that I think about it.