Advice needed from MIL's & DIL's

[holliberri]

Pam...my MIL made the same exact complaint, but to DH. I sent her a link on the adoption process. I NEVER send e-mails, but photos and links. So...

www.abcdefg.org

Love,
HB

She even has her own special signature so I don't leave off the "love."

[pam1]

I'm not a big believer in mother's going nuts when their little boys leave home.. but she may be the exception to my thoughts. It really sounds like she is totally lost without him constantly in her life. Backing her off some when you found that she wasn't even going to support you through medical problems was wise.. and the fact that for the first time your dh saw with clarity how her mind works may have been a marriage saver.... Shame she can't see or control what she is doing

You know, I am sad that this whole situation had to happen.  When I first started posting here I knew none of this was going to end well.  There's just nothing I can do.  No winning, no compromise.  It really did come down to "who's going to be miserable?" well, it's not going to be me lol.  I knew (as I posted in the what I did wrong thread) exactly what she would do and she did it.  I also knew how DH would react and he did it.  Most of the time MIL relies on others to curb her behavior, it is an awful lot of effort to just remain on civil terms with her.  You are responsible for her, very much like a child.  It's an odd...I mean, ODD relationship.

I'm not much of a fan of the new fad of labeling people as narcissistic or passive aggressive or all those other lovely terms that people can diagnose others without training.  But both of our therapists suggested that MIL has borderline personality disorder and she fits it to a T and FIL apparently confirmed it to DH.  I dunno, I still don't know if it is something legit but you can't reason with her, can't get on common ground, it's her way and that's it.  Even small, tiny things most people decide for themselves.....like, oh say what you bring to a potluck she organizes?  Not kidding, the woman WILL find a way to take what you make negatively.  A couple times I just bought stuff and she was upset b/c in her mind that meant I didn't want to put effort into her potluck, cause no one should even bring store bought stuff.  Apparently effort in going to the store and buying the food doesn't count. 

And DH didn't spend time with his FOO before me.  He did the bare minimum.  We both got married late twenties which is a deviation in their family, most get married very young IMO.  So he and I aren't the typical married children of hers, we don't have the same challenges as a young couple, we are financially fit, careers set, actively parenting.  It seems like she is able to get something down but can't change it, so its almost like she was able to figure out proper ways to treat 20 year old newlyweds and figures, no..she insists it is a proper way to treat 30 year old newlyweds.  There is no individuality and it is highly discouraged between her children.  There is also something set in her mind about how mothers and women should be in general that she can't shake off the mentality to actually forge relationships with others outside of her accepted ways of being.  And we aren't talking about accepted ways of being as general things like "be kind."  It is very detailed and rigid.

[pam1]

Pam...my MIL made the same exact complaint, but to DH. I sent her a link on the adoption process. I NEVER send e-mails, but photos and links. So...

www.abcdefg.org

Love,
HB

She even has her own special signature so I don't leave off the "love."

LOL, you're a good doobie Holli.  I just blocked her.  Booyah

[holliberri]

Block her? I just don't think I could ever do that. The whole thing is weird...I have to sign "love" but she can't respond to tha link. She told DH in e-mail that she got the link and what she thought.

[pam1]

That's why you are a good doobie  

I don't do well when backed into a corner.  I tried, I did but she abused my email so she had another strike against her on that one. 

[holliberri]

Blocking is too much like cutting off for me. Plus, when I told DH she responds to my e-mail but to his address, he said, "So? Don't take her seriously." I try to listen!

[pam1]

I didn't see it that way at all.  My biggest issue has been mainly that MIL expects and demands and gets away with acting above everyone else.  A lot of the time I really think she's never heard NO. 

I don't let anyone else get away with treating me like that - she doesn't get a pass.  She did for a while and I was miserable.

And to be honest, it made me miserable to act the way DH would.  I was nuts for awhile, I'd ask him and want to talk in detail over the stupidest things that I can handle myself.  I thought it was getting advice but he honestly was annoyed and thought I should just be me.

Anyone else that abuses email gets blocked.

[holliberri]

I hadn't considered that...I just need to man up. I do drive DH nuts talking about it.

[luise.volta]

Good thinkin'!

[Tara]

Holli

I guess man up applies to women to?

[LaurieS]

It sure does in my book

[holliberri]

I try to adopt all of the sayings about men and apply them to my gender. I don't like that they're exclusively for men.

I thought that was feminist of me. Am I wrong about that? Please be honest. I will stop using it if I am.

[LaurieS]

Nope I think your terms are perfectly clear and fitting.. they are not insulting.. not even to men.. but then again I'm the one who gave my dd a pair of silver testicles on a chain and said see you have  your own set.. there's nothing you can't accomplish.

[1Glitterati]

That's why you are a good doobie  

This is just making me snicker.  HARD.

Doobie means something totally different where I come from...I'm just imagining Holli all lit up with a wreath of smoke around her head.

[Tara]

Now Laurie, that is an interesting gift. 

Holli,  no I don't think its inappropriate.  Sometimes I just have to learn the new terms from the younger generation.
I am a feminist at heart.