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What I did wrong with my DIL

Started by Pooh, February 03, 2011, 01:58:39 PM

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Pen

Well, here goes:

1. We expressed concern about DS not finishing college if he and DIL married before graduation
2. We didn't pay for a lavish honeymoon for them, just a nice one (which is more than DH & I had, LOL)
3. I didn't wear beige to the wedding
4. We didn't give them an official wedding present since we'd paid for all the groom's stuff, honeymoon & other things
5. We didn't reciprocate after DIL's parents invited us over to their home to get acquainted; we didn't have time before the wedding and shortly thereafter we found out they hated us, so we kind of just didn't do it
6. I told a cute baby story about DS to his aunties while DIL was present; she ran out and told DS what I'd done

So cut me off already.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

But those aren't things you did wrong. I would've been one angry bride if you wore beige for my photos! Ick.

You paid for the honeymoon? Is that how it goes these days? I thought the bride and groom came up with that money. DH and I are still planning ours. We'll never get there.

I've seriously never heard of that...except for when one the parents has a timeshare, but that's different. That's incredible.

pam1

Pooh & Holli - you two are really hard on yourselves.  Can't see much wrong in all that.  And agree, teenage relationships are much different.  IMHO.

I've been thinking about this post a lot.  I'm not an angel but I did really try there for a long time and sat on the high road not responding.  I'm not a mean girl, I never learned to play those girl games.  I don't pull punches with people but I get to a point where I go for a knock out.  So, I can't say I have a list of stuff but what I did do was not malicious but I guess self preservation.  I saw what she was doing, almost divorced b/c of it.  Looking at apts and everything.  I tried a lot in the past from talking to her, to DH talking to her, to marriage counseling and individual counseling. 

And then woke up.  I'm not getting a divorce. 

She messed with the wrong person.   I knew exactly what was going on this last situation that led to cut off and didn't do anything but let her play right into it knowing full well what she was going to do and how DH would take it.  I could have managed the situation so she would never know and never have the power to hurt me or DH enough for him to say no more.  But I didn't.  I gave her just enough rope and she took it. 

She mistook my kindness for weakness.  Her loss.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

penelope

when ds got married,we paid for everything, I thought tradition brides dad pays, this no longer applies,after doing research,it seems as anything goes these days~

holliberri

I read an article that people are no requiring family members (aunts, uncles, brothers, cousins) to cough up some money towards throwing the ceremony and reception as well.

All of this wedding stuff seems to be getting out of hand. They're fun, but a bad investment. To expect someone to give you money for the wedding and then bring along a nice wedding gift as well is asking a bit much.

LaurieS

My dd was just invited to a wedding for a old softball buddy.. the wedding is in excess of 40k.. the girl said well I went a little over.. now she is paying for it herself but still those are some serious bucks that could be used a lot of different ways.  My dd said that she's worked out 4 different wedding options and will discuss them with us if her bf proposes before she's old and gray

Pen

My wedding cost less than $500 including dresses, flowers, cake, music, minister, decor, and champagne. Granted it was 25 years ago, but still...we had artist friends who gave us decor/DJ'ing for free, went to an outlet for bride + 2 bridesmaid dresses, found a really beautiful yet casual and inexpensive venue, etc. Other friends and family wanted to be involved so we asked them to make buffet items. We all had a blast and no one went into debt. We were students and couldn't afford much of a honeymoon so we did without. We're still happily together :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

penelope

same here Pen,we had ours here at this house,ppl were swimming,we also had a friend d.j for free,I borrowed my cousins dress,so less than 1000,23 yrs ago,alot of drinkers here so mostly bar bill. My cousind did the 43g's on hers,the honeymoon in Rome,well,now 18 yrs later,they are on public assistance. I love the shows on style network,you can do a really beautiful wedding fairly cheap,if your crafty:) My oldest said they want a hall,band and all friends and family at theirs,he also said he's paying for it:) but thats years down the road,they wanna buy a house in the country first. I told them I'd like to see 1 thing there for sure and I'll pay for it,a chocolate fountain,I seen one at a wedding once at it was FANTASTIC!! lol

Pooh

Thanks for all the support guys.  I do realize it is very hard for two very different people to get along, unless both are willing to give a little and compromise.  And the College thing for my Son wasn't about him not going now.  From the time he was a Freshman, there was a certain College he wanted to attend.  He wanted it and so we both worked very hard to get him into it.  It was a couple of hours from home, and offered excellent study in the field he was going into.  That's all I heard for 4 years and he was sooo excited when he got in and got the scholarship.  When we had discussed him going to our local College, HIS words were, they don't offer a good program for what I want and I do not ever want to go there.  So when he came in that evening and announced he had changed his mind and was now going to go to the local College, it floored me.  I managed to ask some questions trying to see his side.  I asked him, "Ok, so now why are you wanting to go to this one?"  I got the shoulder shrug and "I just do."  Ok,  so what has changed your mind?  Shoulder shrug, "I don't know."  Now my Son is very articulate and can always give you a good answer so I knew then it was because that was where she was going.  She stood there with this smug look at me until I finally said, "Son, you need to do what is best for your future and your career.  If you can make me understand some logical reasons to change, I will listen.  But if the only reason you are now going to change is because that is where XXXXX is going, that's not the right reason."  And I said other things along that line, right in front of her.  That's why I felt the need to go back later and tell her that it wasn't about her personally.  Would I have said those same things again?  Yes.  But if I could go back, I would have asked her to leave so we could talk about it.  Now, do I know that he probably would have told her anyway what I said?  Yep, with the track record he has of telling her everything I said.  But, I can say because I was mad at him and shocked, I am sure the tone in my voice rightfully led her to believe I was blaming her too.  And I was, just not personally...it would have been any girl, even if I liked them.

My current DH and I had a beautiful small wedding just over a year ago.  We did it all by ourselves and the price of everything was a little over $1200.  My first wedding was bigger and over 6K, 24 years ago.  I remember very little about it and didn't enjoy it.  This one, I remember everything and enjoyed it so much.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Scoop

Holli - that thing about telling a person what a bully said about them?  My Mom says that the bully made the bullets but you fired them.  I don't do that and I don't listen to it anymore either.

What I did wrong with my MIL:

1 - I didn't speak up for myself, right from the beginning.  I had my own set of expectations, that were not met and I retreated instead of speaking up.  Years later when I did speak up, the situation fixed itself and voila, that was the end of it.

2 - There is a certain way to deal with my MIL and I fought it.  It would seem that she prefers to be lied to, than to be told 'no'.  Once I learned to follow my DH's lead and do the "yeah yeah whatever" dance, our relationship became easier.  (Seriously, if MIL asks me if I want a drink and I say "No thanks", she pesters me and pesters me, "Coffee? ... Tea?... Water?... Beer?... Pop?... Coffee? ..." but if I say "Maybe later", she's fine with it.)

3 - I could have made her feel more 'special'.  Part of me wants to stomp my foot and say "but she started it!" but I have to take my own responsibility here.  So yeah, MIL would say things like "DD never wears the clothes I give her! Wah!", years later, I know she was saying "I wish I could see DD wear the clothes I gave her." but at the time, and because we had a rocky relationship, my BS detector went off and I thought to myself "Really?  You see her 3 times a year, for 2 or 3 days and you think that because you haven't seen it, she hasn't EVER worn the clothes you gave her?"  So yeah, I admit that I would intentionally have DD wear ANYTHING other than the MIL clothes when we saw MIL.  It would have been a small effort on my part that would have smoothed the relationship.

4 - I did encourage my DH to separate himself from them (as in "cut the apron strings").  He had never made that separation that would have established himself as an adult with his own opinions and his own agenda.  It was just easier for him to go along with things, even if they were unreasonable.  (For example: if he went "home" for the weekend, he would stay from Friday night through the weekend and all day Sunday. He would wake up really early on Monday morning to drive 3 hours to go to work that day.  Also, he would bring his laundry for his sister to do.)  One weekend, when we were engaged, we were visiting the IL's and MIL and DH fought (over something RIDICULOUS).  Fine, I didn't get into it.  But the next day, when she brought it up again, after it had been finished (including apology) the night before, I said "let's go" and we left their house, in anger.

5 - I have taken a big step back and allowed MIL and DH's relationship to run by itself.  Sadly, it's settled to a very low level.  Not cut off by any means, but there's very little flow of information (DH doesn't 'chat' on the phone) and very few visits.  I never say "no" to visits, but I don't offer them either.  I don't badmouth the IL's, but I don't bring them up in conversation.  Neither does DH.  I know that if I were to step in and start managing the relationship, MIL would be happier.  She would know what's going on in our lives and she would get presents and cards in a timely manner.  However, I don't see that her happiness is my responsibility.

6 - During a feud she had with SIL (her DD), I refused to take sides.  So, even though MIL had cut off SIL, and my DH (and the rest of the IL-family) followed, I continued to visit SIL, by myself.  I even knew SIL's kids before MIL did (they live in the same city and we live 4 hours away).  In fact, I still have a close relationship with SIL, which drives MIL nuts.  Because the flow of information goes me - SIL - MIL, instead of DH - MIL - SIL.

Oh - I'm sure there's more, because I do take responsibility for 50% of the problems we've had, and I've tried to change for the better.  It's unfortunate that MIL hasn't seen the light yet.

holliberri

Scoop...you're #3 would be my #15.

I hadn't considered that this lying business to MIL is really for her sake. But, she's honest, she never lies. Ever. So, I can't help but think if she knew that her family was lying to her, she'd be really hurt. I might be wrong.

Pooh

I love this.  I know we all have various issues and most all of them are because we are dealing with a person(s) that are difficult and selfish.  It doesn't matter if it's a DIL, MIL, Mother, DS, DD, etc....when you look at what people are writing, it is just a difficult person.

Scoop, I don't see anything awful about any of yours either.  I see only you trying to be respectful, and not getting it in return.  I think we all have our breaking point where we finally say, enough and stop trying.

But, what I am really loving about this is the fact I think everyone here knows they share in the blame in some small way.  And that is simply that we had good intentions that went awry.  But, I also see that everyone has a pattern that once the few bigger things have occurred, we started getting petty in some small way because we were tired of it.  I think that is the things that we see now that we could have done better.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

penelope

heres my list~it's hard becouse you have to think about am I really right on some things or not?
1.) When ds announce wedding,I should have found out how her mom felt first before I gave my honest opinion,I felt they were to young,and 2 weekend visits(actual face to face time) and internet chat over 8 months,for me just seemed how do you even know you actually can tollerate each other,relationship can be great on the internet. I waited almost 2 weeks and I made the first call to her mom.
2.) when I seen the FML and HML and brothers won't stay out of my room,can't wait to get out,I shouldn't have asked if she was getting married to get out of house.
3.) when ppl were telling me she didn't wanna get married,she felt pressure I should have stayed out of it.
4.)when family and friends were making their own comments about behavior they were seeing I should have not joined in,instead I think I should have maybe made her feel more welcomed.
5.) I can't assume becouse we love having big dinners and ppl together,she enjoys those to.
6.)I know the Olive branch needed to be smaller...instead of giving the whole tree,by my taking blame for everything,she'll never admit to any wrong doing,so now how can she grow mature wise.
7.) I need to confront them both on things instead of getting mad,copping attitude and being stressed.
this was hard for me to write,I have made my opinion known,I tell the truth,I am upset,I do stay out of their business 99.9 % of the time,I am human,when I see all the comments she posts or having my own family and friends and her family and friends tell me..this is what she said to me,and it's all pointed at a young girl who just wants out of her controling home...well,it's hard,she is now apart of our family and someday the mother of our grandchildren,as a parent to sit and not only myself think but everyones thinking this isn't gonna work out,hurts~I hope she can grow up while away from home becouse he loves her and he deserves to be loved~before the wedding he even said I'm hoping I can change her,she's always been a very negative person~I'm not the type of person to keep things from her to be mean,I have included her in everything,we recieved nothing for Christmas,not even a card,she lives a mile away,we still bought her gifts~I don't hate her,I guess I just want her to say I'm married to this man and take on the wife roll,but thats not happening,I keep to myself and i still get stuck doing everything

Pooh

It was hard for me too penelope.  Because I feel justified in most of what I did, it was very hard for me to go, but yes, I did these things wrong.  Even though I may have been right, I still handled some things wrong.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Scoop, your honesty is very helpful and enlightening. I really appreciate it.

My comments are tinged with my own relationship with DIL, so bear with me:

Some of the points you made sound as if your MIL's behavior annoys you more than it would coming from someone else. I know there are people whose every move irks me because I just don't want anything to do with them in the first place. The drink questions, for example - isn't that just a hostess-y thing to do? I doubt MIL really was out to annoy you. I have friends who do that, and I don't even think about it.

Did you start out not wanting to accept her or did you change when you were treated badly by her? For example, why wouldn't you have automatically dressed DD in MIL's gifts? Didn't you do so when the clothes were from friends or your family? I know my ILs and friends loved seeing my DD in their gifts and it never would have occured to me to do anything else.

I'm trying to get a handle on my DIL's treatment of me. I do NOT want to be seen as the old bat who must be appeased once or twice a year with a fake smile and a pity visit. My DIL doesn't see me as a fellow human being with hopes, dreams, aspirations, experiences or any redeeming qualities at all other than giving birth to DS, and I doubt she honors me for that either.

I can see a lot of my DIL's treatment of me in your points and it makes me sad.

Again, thanks Scoop. I have a lot to think about.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb