What I did wrong with my DIL

[Pooh]

Yes, I totally agree with the sharing between partners.  I do tell my DH everything.  I think my Ex did it to get back in his Son's good graces after the divorce.  I have not said anything to him about her, since he made the decision to ask her to marry him.  But yes, damage has been done.  I am not going to lie.  I don't like her as a person but I was gracious to her after the engagement and sucked it up.  But I am sure she remembers everything prior to that.

[LaurieS]

When did it become the wrong thing to do when we are asked for our honest opinion, for us to give an honest opinion. 

But what if you aren't asked for your opinion at all?    Not being sarcastic- true question.  If you're asked for your opinion, you should of course give it as honestly as you can.  But what about when a mother isn't asked for her opinion when it comes to her adult children?  What's the consensus here?

But this wasn't about giving uninvited advice.. and as far as my opinion goes, if I'm in a conversation then yes I will state my opinion.  Because I said how I feel about something I'm not necessarily implying that I'm this is what I think someone else should do.  But it does seem that some people will take anything you say and throw it back at you.. example.. If I make the statement which is only my opinion: I thought hiking in the Grand Canyon was one of the most satisfying  things a person can do.  My dil would say, well I don't want to hike the Grand Canyon.  I never said that I thought she should, but that is sure the way she hears it.

[overwhelmed123]

Okay, your DIL sounds ridiculous, Laurie.

[LaurieS]

Okay, your DIL sounds ridiculous, Laurie.

LOL... she's in her own little world at times. Oh wait my son is in there with her, and now a baby on the way.. I keep caulking it up to maturity

[overwhelmed123]

Pooh-

Have you told your DIL these things and offered an apology for them?  I'm sure you've explained that part of your story before, but I'm new here so I'm unfamiliar.  I mean have you been specific and said, "look, I said these things and I shouldn't have said them because they weren't my place to say, and I'm sorry.  I acted inappropriately and I can understand why you would feel the way you do, but I'm very sorry and I'd like to start over again so I can show that I won't repeat these mistakes."  Anything like that? 

[LaurieS]

We try not to give unsolicited advice, but at times we have.  We don't interfere in their marriage, but we have reminded them on several occasions that life goes by fast... We feel like we are the only adults saying make sure you are saving.. yes it's fun to spend but don't blink your unborn baby is about to walk into college.  I'm all for living for the moment but we've always raised our kids to be aware of tomorrow.  This is not how my dil was raised, or at least she is not giving us a hint of that, so I know there is some conflict there.  I don't need to know what they are saving.. but I will ask. are you saving.. maybe that is wrong of us.. but you know I still ask, did you spray air freshener after my son uses the bathroom. It's a lot of simply who I am.

[LaurieS]

Pooh-

Have you told your DIL these things and offered an apology for them?  I'm sure you've explained that part of your story before, but I'm new here so I'm unfamiliar.  I mean have you been specific and said, "look, I said these things and I shouldn't have said them because they weren't my place to say, and I'm sorry.  I acted inappropriately and I can understand why you would feel the way you do, but I'm very sorry and I'd like to start over again so I can show that I won't repeat these mistakes."  Anything like that?

But would she not be apologizing for saying something that she probably needed to say.  If you are watching your kid give up a scholarship that they worked darn hard to get, as a parent should you not step  up. 

[luise.volta]

Oh, that's painful. Confession to Self. If I looked that closely, I think I would find all the same stuff at one time or another.

[Pooh]

No, I have not apologized exactly for saying those things.  I did tell her later that I wanted her to know that I was not mad at her, but aggravated at DS for procrastinating, and that I wasn't trying to get DS to go away to College because of her, but trying to make sure he was picking this College now, for the right reasons.  And I talked to her about the marriage thing, telling her I thought it was great that they were planning on getting married, that I just knew how hard it was going to be on both of them trying to finish College while having to work and pay bills.  I got the eye roll again so I didn't try again.

I am with Laurie on I guess I don't feel I should apologize for things said to my DS as a teenager.  When I say I spoke badly about her to him, I did.  I was saying things like "She will not let you go hang out with your friends and calls 50 times if you do.  She gets mad if you don't call her as soon as you get home from school.  You may find that cute now, but eventually, you will resent that you can't be your own person."  I was always open and  honest with my Sons and we had conversations their entire lives like that, about school, friends, etc.  This was no different...just me being a Mom.

[penelope]

I have to make my list,but being the airhead I am,I have to think how to word it so it's not all mixed up. When my ds and dil announced marriage,my dh asked dil what about school? as she had dropped out of college,they said ds was gonna get a good job and they were gonna put her thru school to be a vet and eventually become millionares,lol she worked for us so we knew she doesn't exactly have the drive to succeed attitude:b I just kept my mouth shut until I had grown men telling me things while he was in Iraq,as I said before,we live in a small town,so before reacting,I checked into it,it was all true,when ds was in Iraq he finally asked me for my opinion,he said truth,I told him are you sure,I don't lie so I gave my opinion,he got mad,I said if you aren't mature enough to handle the truth,do not ask me for it.

[holliberri]

Since I'm amidst  this, this was tough for me...but here goes.

1. I could've entertained moving to their state more seriously than I did.
2. I definitely didn't act appreciative when my nails were done, and she wanted me to go get manicures with her, so she wanted me to redo my nails.
3. She kept dropping hints that she knew I was pregnant (I knew I was too, but I hadn't taken a test yet), so I just wasn't answering her. I guess I could've played into that a little. I eventually miscarried for a second time, but I guess I could've let her enjoy the moment. She would've been the first to know, not even DH knew. It was actually at a wedding when DH was deployed; I traveled down there to represent him.
4. I've gotten mad at DH for the things she says...she said once she didn't think I would remain faithful to him...I sat there waiting for him to respond, and I yelled at him later on that night when we were alone. Then a whole month later, he called her for an apology. She probably didn't mean it, and then didn't even remember it. I should've handled it then and there, myself with a "What did you mean by that?"
5. I give a lot of her gifts to goodwill, not out of malice; but I  know how I would feel if my gifts were given to goodwill.
6. I don't call her.
7. I tell DH when she's bothered me; I've since learned it's not productive; it's easier to just vent on the internet, or to my mom. She has to sense that I say that stuff to him; I know I sense it when she says it about me.
8. I didn't let her put the bows from my gifts on the crib.
9. I didn't wear the tiara she got me for my courthouse wedding.
10. When I walk by her with DD, she'll reach out her arms as I'm walking by; I've never once given in. (I do let her hold her and play with her, and I do hand her over to her, but the automatic reaching out just gets me...stupid, I know).
11. I turned down her babysitting offer when I said I didn't want to go out for New Year's to a party she wanted to go to.
12. I've walked away from photos a few times when she's tried to get one.
13. When she was already crying b/c DH said she was overstimulating the baby, I said, "No offense, you're a bit too much sometimes, you need to calm down." As a rule of thumb, if you have to say "No offense," you probably shouldn't be saying anything.
14. She wanted to come up and help us house hunt, and I wouldn't let her; I thought we should do that ourselves, but I guess I could've played the game.
15. I'm throwing 15 in for good measure, I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting.

Passive-aggressive much? Ha.

[Pooh]

I understand.  I guess that is where I am at.  I can look back now and say I could have handled it differently and better.  And I can see where she knows that I didn't care for her.  Not an excuse, but she never was friendly and was very disrespectful of my house.  We are totally different people with different personalities.  She really was catered to at home, and I wasn't like that.  She is materialistic, and I am not.  She is a clingy, whiney, I want my way or I will pout or be mad female, I am not. 

I promise, I am not looking for validation.  This was more of I do recognize my part in our downfall.  I wouldn't change what I did, but more like how I did it. 

[Pooh]

Now see Holli, as an MIL, I don't see anything on your list that I think is that bad.  I think things like the house hunting, tiara, babysitting and pregnancy thing were her crossing the line and not respecting your boundaries and wishes.  The whole you not likely to be faithful, was hurtful and uncalled for.

Ok, the photo thing and not giving in every one in a while when she reaches for DD, probably petty, but brought on by your feelings of hurt and disrespect over the other things.

And I know you are right about the whole "sensing" because it is like that with me and DIL when we used to be around each other.  I know I could sense she would like to pick up a nail gun and shoot at me, and I'm sure she sensed I wanted to poke her in the eye with a hot poker. 

[penelope]

I agree,I didn't really see any of Hollib's to be bad,can't comment on the baby issue,I don't have gc,I know alot of girls who won't annouce pregnancy until 2nd trimester,it's very common. I did something today out of spite,it was imature but wasn't sure how to handle without dil getting all up tight,ds will be home next week,dil made all her post about she's so stressed out packing,funny last week she posted should be easy as she never unpacked from moving back,so she post..note to self when taking a road trip remember cell phone car charger,I sit and keep to myself,I think it's bull I have to take clothes down,if I don't ds comes home from 7 mo in Afghan and can't even put on clean underwear or something not green,so I post hey,you forgot your mail and ds clothes:b she replies oh great..lol...are you still coming down?  now she knows full well we are,she purposly kept info from us, to me it feels like I'm being forced into their marriage,I did post to call her out on it,as calling her phone gets me no where,it was childish of me,what I wanted to say was..HEY,I'M THE MOTHER NOT THE WIFE!! YOU FOLD,WASH AND HAUL IS STUFF!! lol but can't becouse then it's your mom is bossing me around to my ds

[holliberri]

I think I need to learn to let it go!

Pooh, I think a MIL to a teenage couple is different than a MIL to a married, thriving couple.  I remember my first love getting reamed out in front of me, and I never thought it was b/c of me. I thought, "Yeah, you screwed up...."  In my little teenage fantasy world, my dad wouldn't have liked my boyfriend, given him a hard time and then they would learn to love one another. That's how those relationships go (at least in the books I read at that age...). So, you get a complete pass from me for that stuff.

I was single when I dropped the bomb that I was passing up my full scholarship to work instead; but it didn't go over well. I don't think conversations about changing colleges ever goes well. I saw my parents' hearts drop to their stomachs when I told them I was taking off of my studies for the summer, and I already have a degree.  Something inside parents ignites when there's talk of a deviation from an education course. There are too many horror stories out there.

As for ex-H, that explains a lot. I guess that's why he's an ex. 

My mom always yelled at me when I would tell someone what someone else said about them. She told it was me doing the hurting, not the person who had done the talking. I took this to heart. I wouldn't want to be involved in someone's pain. Plus, it doesn't make you look that trustworthy, does it? If you're telling me what someone said about me, you're going to do the same thing to me.