Need Opinion from MILs and DILs

[SaadMom]

Thank you, you ALL are great!

Luise, I heard you .... I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow, you have to see DH eyes when I "stole" your phrase 

Courtney and Pen, I am packing and started shopping on-line at the same time!

Julia, I tried for years to "win" her with no luck and now I just don't want to be hurt any longer by her or any relatives.

Laurie, you cracked me up I'm with Stilltryien I COULD SEE THAT HAPPENING

Holliberri, I use to do that KILL' EM WHIT A SMILE; but did not work 

Lancaster Lady, He knows better.... I agree with Pooh  I won't attend if I wasn't invited!


Talked to DH and told him that enough is enough (and much more), his reply was "I'M NOT GOING, DON'T WORRY"
I told him that wasn't going to solve the issue, to stop ignoring the situation and to talk to his parents or else.....
He really don't like to attend those functions and is easier for him to say "I'M NOT GOING", and forget about it (easy way out)
The worst part is that he is a great husband and father to my kids, but can not stand up to his parents.

[LaurieS]

But he did say "I'm not going" .. do you think he heard you?  Standing up to overbearing parents is extremely hard for some people.. chances are that is how they came to be overbearing parents to begin with.

I think the hardest part about being hurt is when the person you love the most can't see your pain.  I do hope you can work it out, I'm not a huge advocate of counseling but this might be a good time, not only for your relationship but I think your dh really needs to wake up and smell the coffee.  You've been patient long enough.. good luck to you.

[Mariatobe]

I see what the other ladies are saying about going, but Saad's dealt with this for 15 years.  They get away with treating her like crap because DH lets it go on.  Shame on him.  I think he is the problem even more so than his parents. (Although they're not much better.)  He wants to sweep it under the rug and hope it will all go away.  The only problem is, now anger has festered for so long, and you resent him as much as them.  You need to talk to a counselor, or pastor.  The problem won't go away, you need a third party so maybe he'll finally "get it."  If not,  and if his attitude doesn't change, I don't see a lot of hope for your marriage.  You can only put up with resentment for so long.  The reunion is only one of many things.  Maybe also speak with a divorce attorney.  Then he'll know your serious, something has to change.  Good luck.

[holliberri]

Isn't "not going" standing up to his parents? He can't fix them, but he is standing by you doing that...I think. Is it possible they can't be changed?

[Pooh]

I think the "not going" could be a cop-out to avoid the situation OR him taking a stand for his wife.  Could be either, but unless he clarifies it with his parents and SaadMom by telling them that he is "not going" because they are not respecting his wife, it could be more of a cop-out.

[lancaster lady]

I think the "not going" could be a cop-out to avoid the situation OR him taking a stand for his wife.  Could be either, but unless he clarifies it with his parents and SaadMom by telling them that he is "not going" because they are not respecting his wife, it could be more of a cop-out.

I agree with Pooh , he has to let his family know ,it's all of us ,or none at all !

[seasage]

Saadmom,

I am wondering what problem you are trying to solve.  You surprised me when you said "I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow", because to me that meant you might be getting ready to leave your nest.  You also said your DH "is a great husband and father to my kids, but can not stand up to his parents".

The treatment given to you by your DH's FOO is unacceptable.  I too would be ready for a change. 

But what change?  What do you really want?  Will your marriage falter if your DH doesn't speak our on your behalf?  Or - given that most men are wimps in the personal relationship department - would an acceptable solution be that his FOO changed their ways in spite of DH rather than because of him?

I am sitting in my office right now, in business mode, and therefore thinking of several ways you might be able to demand the proper treatment from DH's FOO.  One way I would think of solving this problem myself, were I in your situation, would be to call another DIL in the family and ask directly "Why are you included on the list of attendees whereas I am not?"  Or call your FIL directly and ask that question.  (Often better to call a FIL than a MIL because men are easier to sway.)

Are you a problem-solving DIL or is your happiness/marriage dependent on your DH solving this problem for you?

Tell us which is more important to you: (a) having DH solve the problem, or (b) getting it solved so you be part of the clan and then go on with your otherwise happy life?

[overwhelmed123]

Saadmom,

I am wondering what problem you are trying to solve.  You surprised me when you said "I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow", because to me that meant you might be getting ready to leave your nest.  You also said your DH "is a great husband and father to my kids, but can not stand up to his parents".

The treatment given to you by your DH's FOO is unacceptable.  I too would be ready for a change. 

But what change?  What do you really want?  Will your marriage falter if your DH doesn't speak our on your behalf?  Or - given that most men are wimps in the personal relationship department - would an acceptable solution be that his FOO changed their ways in spite of DH rather than because of him?

I am sitting in my office right now, in business mode, and therefore thinking of several ways you might be able to demand the proper treatment from DH's FOO.  One way I would think of solving this problem myself, were I in your situation, would be to call another DIL in the family and ask directly "Why are you included on the list of attendees whereas I am not?"  Or call your FIL directly and ask that question.  (Often better to call a FIL than a MIL because men are easier to sway.)

Are you a problem-solving DIL or is your happiness/marriage dependent on your DH solving this problem for you?

Tell us which is more important to you: (a) having DH solve the problem, or (b) getting it solved so you be part of the clan and then go on with your otherwise happy life?

seasage-
I see where you're going with this and totally get it, but I don't always think it's as simple as that.  My ILs already think I'm an evil witch, therefore ANYTHING I say to them is going to be filed under, "yeah whatever," because they just think I'm evil.  They won't take me seriously and quite honestly, there really isn't any other way for us to handle it besides DH standing up to them.  Sometimes people have to have consequences to their actions before they'll change.  And sometimes the wife talking to them directly just rolls off their back- so you're right back at square one.  It's not always as black and white as "are you dependent on your DH for happiness or are you a problem solver?"  I'm certainly not dependent on my DH for happiness, but with his family, IF the problem is to be solved, it's only going to be solved by them listening to him.

Plus, I'd think there was a probability of getting a more honest answer if DH asked his parents, "why in the world is my wife conveniently the only spouse left off this list?"  Instead of the wife calling and asking directly, "why would you leave me off?"  If I did that, my ILs would just call me even worse names than they already do.  Probably something along the lines of tyrant and control freak.  Just something to think about.

[pam1]

But what kind of relationship is it when you or your spouse have to demand proper treatment? 

If someone can't be consistently kind and civil without their hand being forced it's likely that most people will not stay in the situation.  It's unpleasant and unneeded -- family or not.  There is no one that gets a pass for treating my loved ones like poo.  I expect the same.

[Pooh]

OW, I was thinking along the same lines when I read it.  I get where seasage was going with that too because I prefer to handle things myself, not put someone else in the middle.  And normally I am a big advocate of that. 

But if its been going on this long, and by leaving her off the invitation, they are already saying they do not value her.  If she said anything directly to MIL or FIL, they would write it off as "there she goes again."  And I definately would not call another family member and involve them.  Even if the other DILs helped do the invitation, they could have just been following MILs instructions to leave her out.

I think when it is going on for this long, DH is going to be the only one that can change the situation.

[holliberri]

Pooh,

I think you may be right. This has been going on for nearly a decade. It's probably little wonder as to why she's not on the invitation at this point.

I hadn't thought about that.

[Pooh]

But what kind of relationship is it when you or your spouse have to demand proper treatment? 

If someone can't be consistently kind and civil without their hand being forced it's likely that most people will not stay in the situation. 

You are so right Pam.  My first marriage was for 21 years.  For the first 15 or so, I made excuses for him, covered for him, ignored the bad stuff, etc.  The last few years, I was so tired of trying that I basically quit.  I still did all the Mom stuff, house work and normal daily stuff, but I quit trying and started making him answer to people for his actions.  No more excuses or cover-up.  Once I did that, it didn't take long before he found a younger model that started catering to him.  He told people later that the last few years of our marriage had just gone down-hill.  I couldn't help but laugh when I heard that.

[Scoop]

So you guys think the situation can change?  I don't think the IL's will change.  SAAD's DH might, but only if he's motivated.

SAAD, why do you care?  Cruddy people, who treat you like garbage, didn't invite you to a family reunion you didn't want to go to anyway.   WOO HOO!  You should be doing a happy dance!

You say that it's been like this for 15 years, did you really expect anything to change?  They don't like you and they don't accept you as part of their family.  Is that a club you even want to join?

One of my favourite sayings is "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."  I think you need to change the way you think about this.

There's no hope here for a better relationship.  So give it up.  You don't have to see these people if you don't want to.  EVER.  You can keep this invitation, laminate it and use it as a "Get out of jail free" card.

Moving forward, these people don't exist to you.  They're not even on your radar.  You don't have to say their names, you don't have to ask DH how his parents are, you don't have to acknowledge them if you see them in the grocery store.

That being said, it's okay for you to mourn the loss of a even the possibility of a good relationship with them.  I'm sorry, but you will never have a close, loving IL family.

[SaadMom]

seasage I believe you missed the first part of the discussion, the "I'm ready to plant myself where I can grow" comment was replying to a wise comment from Luise. At this point if DH does not shows me his support and talk to his parents about their unacceptable behavior/treatment, I'll have to consider all the options to take care of myself. He is a great husband, and that is why I have put with this situation for so long. But at this point it is affecting our relationship, I'm resenting him....
I don't expect DH to solve my problems, but they are his parents and he knows how to "handle" them much better. Also it is out of respect and somehow not wanting to make the situation worst. After all, believe it or not I would like to have a "civilized" relationship with my ILs; knowing them if I'll something it will be worst! I respect them, so I expect the same...if they don't want to see my face at the reunions or any other events that is OK with me. But do not send those kind of invitations to my house!
I agree with overwhelmed123   "I don't always think it's as simple as that", all this years I put the other cheek because I really don't want DH relationship with ILs to be affected; but now I can't take it any longer!

Thank you All!

[penelope]

if they have had this attitude for so many years,don't you think any acceptance at this point is fake?