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Who does that????

Started by pam1, February 02, 2011, 05:03:16 PM

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overwhelmed123

Quote from: GreatWhiteNorth on February 16, 2011, 12:41:40 PM
I wish I read this sooner, yours do this too? are you kidding me?

Oh yeah, I thought it was so odd each year to get invited to celebrate MIL and FILs anniversary with them, can they not celebrate this by themselves? what are we one big married group or something?


Honestly, when you're dealing with enmeshed families...yes.  They do feel like you are all one big married group.  You don't start a new family with your spouse, you guys are just an extension of them.  That's how my ILs are exactly.  My GMIL and GFIL celebrated their 50th anniversary this past year (no we did not attend because we were not communicating at all) and of course they all bombarded us with the plans and invitations.  It was an entire weekend celebration (which is fine, obviously 50 is a big milestone), but they all stayed at this hotel down the road for the weekend in adjoining rooms.  Friday night they all got together, then Saturday they all met for breakfast, did everything during the day together, then all spent the night in adjoining rooms at a hotel (this hotel was 10 minutes away from everyone's houses) with a big family sleepover, and then all had to have breakfast together.  To me, that was a little much.  If you want to have events throughout the weekend, cool, but the family slumber party was really necessary?  Don't people want privacy?  And the worst part about it is that they all complain about being in debt...soooo was that hotel and ridiculous restaurant really necessary?  Well, it is to them because how much money you spend on one another is EVERYTHING in that family.

Everything is everyone's business, they have a "right" to anything that's yours- kids, pets, house, anything.  My MIL got a new puppy and GMIL asked if we had seen the new addition to their family.  I asked jokingly if the puppy was community property (so it was really only funny to me) and she said "well yes, it's the family dog."  She didn't even get my sarcasm because it was so natural to her that if her grown 45 year old daughter got a puppy, it clearly was everyone's puppy.  You're all married into one big family- not allowed to ever be separate entities.

overwhelmed123

Quote from: overwhelmed123 on February 17, 2011, 01:21:14 PM
Quote from: GreatWhiteNorth on February 16, 2011, 12:41:40 PM
I wish I read this sooner, yours do this too? are you kidding me?

Oh yeah, I thought it was so odd each year to get invited to celebrate MIL and FILs anniversary with them, can they not celebrate this by themselves? what are we one big married group or something?


Honestly, when you're dealing with enmeshed families...yes.  They do feel like you are all one big married group.  You don't start a new family with your spouse, you guys are just an extension of them.  That's how my ILs are exactly.  My GMIL and GFIL celebrated their 50th anniversary this past year (no we did not attend because we were not communicating at all) and of course they all bombarded us with the plans and invitations.  It was an entire weekend celebration (which is fine, obviously 50 is a big milestone), but they all stayed at this hotel down the road for the weekend in adjoining rooms.  Friday night they all got together, then Saturday they all met for breakfast, did everything during the day together, then all spent the night in adjoining rooms at a hotel (this hotel was 10 minutes away from everyone's houses) with a big family sleepover, and then all had to have breakfast together.  To me, that was a little much.  If you want to have events throughout the weekend, cool, but the family slumber party was really necessary?  Don't people want privacy?  And the worst part about it is that they all complain about being in debt...soooo was that hotel and ridiculous restaurant really necessary?  Well, it is to them because how much money you spend on one another is EVERYTHING in that family.

Everything is everyone's business, they have a "right" to anything that's yours- kids, pets, house, your time, anything.  My MIL got a new puppy and GMIL asked if we had seen the new addition to their family.  I asked jokingly if the puppy was community property (so it was really only funny to me) and she said "well yes, it's the family dog."  She didn't even get my sarcasm because it was so natural to her that if her grown 45 year old daughter got a puppy, it clearly was everyone's puppy.  You're all married into one big family- not allowed to ever be separate entities.

AnonymousDIL

That's kinda creepy... in a Twilight Zone kinda way. Do-do-Do-do-Do-do-Do-do......

pam1

Yeah, I was just thinking today that they do nothing by themselves.  Seriously.

Get a car?  People have to come with you to inspect it and ride too.  If you didn't get a chance to do that, come over that night to get a ride.  And if you got a car and didn't ask anyone to come with nor inform them the day you got it....but but but "why didn't you call us?!? we would have loved to come!"  And they get bent out of shape. 

One time MIL asked me if I wanted her to go with me to a routine vet appointment.  I asked why?  And she said to support me.  Ok.....

And vacations, no one is allowed to vacation alone or with just their spouse.  And MIL/FIL don't either.  We get the daily check in phone calls and emails. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

Yes but you only get the daily check ups if you answer the phone and say hello.

Maybe I'm a better Mom and MIL then I thought, because I don't do any of those things.  I mean if I'm lucky enough to go buy a new car.. I want it to be my baby to smell.   If dil lived closer and I had some errands to run.. I could see asking if she wanted to go along... instead of asking why, wouldn't it be better just to say, oh no that doesn't fit into my day today, but thanks for asking.

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: Laurie on February 17, 2011, 01:46:19 PM
Maybe I'm a better Mom and MIL then I thought, because I don't do any of those things. 


Instead of asking why, wouldn't it be better just to say, oh no that doesn't fit into my day today, but thanks for asking.

First, can I adopt you? lol

Second, I think if my MIL asked me to go with her to a vet appointment I wouldn't be able to stop the "Why?" from coming out of my mouth lol

pam1

Yeah, you haven't been around an enmeshed family very much Laurie.  The best thing about a new car is the attention!  Duh

If you don't answer the phone on the 3rd try, they will escalate from calling the hotel to track you down.  Because they are worried.  Or even if you are home, they start doing drive bys. 

I was shocked when she said she would go to the vet appt with me, it would never occur to me to turn her down gently, I figured she had some motive to go, like pick up a special food or new toenail clipper....hence the why
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

LaurieS

No I guess I haven't.... my dd her bf and I have a system worked out.. if they are busy and I call.. don't answer.. we'll touch base later.. if it's important I'll call twice within a minute.    LOL I did not long ago call my dd's apt complex and asked if they would do a well check.. but it was only because she said I'm going to be sick and will call you right back.. 3 hours later still no call.. no answer... I probably shouldn't have done it I did.. lol.. I'll admit it... I feel so enmeshed (which I had never heard that word before coming here)

LaurieS

My dil and her family seem to move more as a herd of cattle then as a family... maybe that is where I'm having such a problem

holliberri

Enmeshed? I never heard of it, can someone describe the clinical symptoms?

I just got a phone call from my mom. My brother is moving in July...so, he picked out 70 houses to look at in one weekend. Turns out his ILs are coming along (sisters and husbands and his MIL and FIL), to look at all those houses.

I really wasn't sure why my mom was telling me this...but then she said, "Get on the phone with your father and tell him to get down there for that weekend." I told her I wasn't doing that, and she got a little upset. I asked her why...and she said, "I trust your brother to make the right decision on his own; I don't trust him to make the right decision when he's with his ILs.  If your dad is down there he can talk some sense into your brother. If no one will let him and his wife make the decision on their own, we might as well be involved too."

Yikes. I'm still not calling my dad.

LaurieS

Sad statement when you feel like you have to counter punch the other side of the family to even the playing field.  I pity the realtor

holliberri

I was surprised...my mom has never said anything about his ILs to me. I know she's a little jealous of them, but generally she has always liked to give us our space. She must be feeling protective for some reason; she doesn't want to be there so she can make his decision for him, she just doesn't want anyone else making the decision for him either. I'm eager to talk to her a little more about this, but I better wait, else I'd just be adding fuel to the fire.

LaurieS

Yes.. rational parents know when to let their kids live an independent life.. when the 'other' side of the family doesn't see it that way, is when you do start to feel protective.  I understand fully where your mother is on this one.. it would be one thing if they were just going along for the ride.. but they will either have their own strong opinion, or they will automatically love whatever their daughter likes.. thus adding weight to her opinion.

My parents came up 2 years ago while we were house hunting.. Mom said she just wanted to get to see some of the nice homes in our area.. I loved house hunting so letting her and dad come along would have no bearing on our decision.. OMG what a pain in the butt that was.. Mom and Dad would venture off.. the realtor couldn't keep up with everyone heading different directions.  Mom loved one house so much that she came up with reasons all the other ones were not a good choice for us.  We ended up spending to much time in each house yacking then looking and absorbing.  I sure hope that your  bro will just pick out a handful that they want to look at again.. without her parents.. and send that realtor a bottle of wine.. she'll have earned it

holliberri

If I know my brother, he's probably already got that taken care of. But, I'm not calling him to ask...I'm staying as far from this one as possible. He's always been good at diversion (he is a Marine, after all), so I'm sure he's probably thinking along your lines. Mom's just too worried for him though.

MIL quit her job to help us come and househunt; just called us out of the blue and said her boss wouldn't give her off so she quit so she could help us househunt. We politely turned her down, but they still came up for one day...FIL was rude to the realtor, kept checking the paper to find cheap houses (that were in really bad areas), and then had us drive up and down the streets just to "find" some houses. It was, "Well, these houses are expensive, but if you keep driving down this street, maybe you'll find cheaper houses..." then, "Well, these houses aren't nice at all, butif you keep driving down this street, maybe you'll find nicer houses." They forgot that I lived here nearly all my life and knew exactly where we should be looking. 

My GPs got involved too (my G-Pa was friends with the realtor)...so he went behind my back and started calling her suggesting houses (down the street from him) to look at, and suggesting price ranges we should be looking in.

Never. Again.

LaurieS

Do you ever look around and ask yourself how you ever got yourself into this mess... lol.. your dh was probably hoping that you'd save him from all the insanity.

You mil quit her job.. that is unbelievable.. one good thing.. you'll never repeat their mistakes