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Maybe my story will help and maybe some of you can help me

Started by overwhelmed123, January 31, 2011, 01:20:51 PM

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holliberri

Quote from: penelope on February 02, 2011, 06:06:51 PM
yep,I agree. I just talked to him via Fb,he said yes bring my clothes and green cammies,Thank You.I always tell my ds,BUCK IT UP!! I love my sons dearly,I did my part,now he needs to remind his wife,she's a wife~ I wanna move to a place where theres no phones,no computer,no cooking utensils and no washer or dryers:)

Penelope,

It just occurred to me that when she moves there, she's going to be around other wives, right? I'm wondering that if it becomes the "in" thing to do, that she'll start behaving like one. I certainly developed a lot of my habits as a wife while I was watching what others were doing overseas.  When I moved over there, I joined a club, and there were certain things that all the members of the club did; like pack/unpack, split house chores, take care of things if DH was at work and I wasn't...etc.

Pooh

Oh that's a very good point Holli.  That just might get her going.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

I traveled back home a lot to fulfill my own duty requirements while we lived overseas, and I reverted to my single self quite easily. I stopped looking at the checking account, didn't worry about the bills, didn't care of DH was fed...only b/c I was so young AND none of my local friends were worried about those things either. It was a like a big party when I went home alone. Looking back, I could've handled that all a lot better than I did. But, it was all back to business when I left home and flew back over there.

overwhelmed123

Pen- Sorry you were having a rough day.  I eat peanut butter with a spoon quite frequently...I could say it was only on bad days...but...well, that would be a lie.  :)  I just love peanut butter.  I got some all-natural cinnamon peanut butter the other week and I can't stop eating it!  Oh, it's sooo good.  So don't feel bad!

Penelope- Of course I didn't think you were a monster.  I did question why wear black to a wedding, especially your son's, and why you'd want to be drunk, but I understand your frustration.  It must be awful not to know whether or not your son's wife even loves him.  That's terrible.  See, I KNOW my MIL knows I truly love her son.  And I think you hit the nail on the head- they are jealous control freaks.  At the beginning they would always comment about how "their prayers were answered" because he found someone that really appreciated him despite his flaws and loved him for him.  They know I treat him like a prince, but they also know he treats me like a princess and I don't think they like it.  They made comments to me about his ex-wife's wedding ring (first about how it was ugly...yes, they actually brought it up) and how they thought he spent too much money on it.  Well first of all...not their business.  Second of all, he spent over 3 times that amount on my ring, and they know because he made the mistake of having his mom help him get it insured.  I imagine that was the topic of gossip fests at the time, "Oh can you believe he spent that much on her ring?  He's just trying to buy her happiness..." blah blah.   

They are jealous type of people.  They can't just be happy for someone else, they have to be jealous that they can't have what someone else has.  Like, when we used to still contact them and DH would tell them we were going to my parents' lakehouse for the weekend, or tell them "yeah we saw an eagle flying in the sky at the lake the other weekend, it was awesome."  They'd sound all sad and pitiful and be like, "oh....I wish we had a lakehouse for you to spend time at.  I wish we had a place where you could see eagles...I wish we could have those things."  Like...just say "oh that's awesome!  How fun for you!"

Another story my DH told me I thought was so telling in the beginning of our relationship with them.  My mom is really beautiful.  I mean, she just is, she's got a great body and great skin and she's just a beautiful, classy woman (I used to hate it when I was younger and guys would want to come over to my house just to see my mom...).  So DH told me that after he first met my parents, he was talking to his mom on the phone about it and just like, "yeah, they were really nice.  And man...if it's true that you'll know what she'll look like when she gets older by looking at her mom, then I hit the jackpot!"  I mean, this was obviously somewhat early on in the relationship and he's excited that his relations with my family are going well and wanted to share it with his mom.  So he tells her that and he said she just got silent and goes, "...hmm."  like a "huh."  Like not as a question, just almost like a scoff.  And that's ALL she said!  Not like, "oh I'm so happy for you!"  Or, "oh that's great!"  Or anything.  She couldn't even pretend to hide her jealousy or disdain.  And then of course, in the coming years it just went all downhill from there....

Anyway, I know I was rambling but I just meant to say I understand your frustration with your situation.  It's not at all like mine because I have done nothing but good things for DH and everyone who has seen us can really tell that we are true soulmates.  So, I do get why you're upset with DIL, but don't forget your son is the one who wanted to marry her.  He's culpable too.  And I'd just let him handle it.  Leave it for him to handle and don't get involved in it.  Maybe this will just be one of those "tough love" lessons he'll have to learn and be a better person for having gone through it.  How old are they?

penelope

sounds like jelousy,vain jelousy to:) I don't get in my kids face about money,my dh does,I say if you want toys,get them your money,if you can swing it get it have fun. my military son bought a 13000 harley on e-bay...sent me pics a few weeks ago..i thought OMG!! how stupid are you,but instead i typed wow,thats really cool,you've earned it:) but really I wanted to scream...down payment on a house! he is 21 and she will be 21 in 2 weeks...she is very negative,she post on FB constantly,today my nephew in college posted to one of hers,do you ever have anything good to say or to be happy about,she replied yes but not today...ummm your leaving in a matter of min to go greet your dh you've not seen since July,I'd say thats a good thing:) We honestly could care less where they live,how they spend money ect,we just wanted to see him be loved,he's very effectionate,hugger,we tell eachother daily I love you,when he was deployed the first time,no emotion..not even a tear,we thought hugh,then see she posted a.s.a.p yay,I get to start planning a wedding,but never did, Holliberri,after wedding she made a site for marinewives,i was hoping these girls would swap advice,so she would learn,becouse I know any advice will be taken wrong so I offer none,wait,thats wrong,she did take my advice about having her gramps drive down with her,then they fly him back,why have a car with 2 ppl follow your car down so you don't drive alone?? I think apple doesn't fall far from tree maybe:) my oldest turns 23 today,he's gone mon thru fri,so I sent his gf a message,do you wanna make his b-day cake or have us do it? all parents want is to see their kids loved~when my oldest and his gf got back together,I said just love him~and we know she does,they have grown up alot in the last 3 years~he does some stupid things,I laugh and tell her he's ALL yours now!! lol things like snowmobile on thin ice..not to bright:b

overwhelmed123

Quote from: penelope on February 03, 2011, 09:03:50 AM
all parents want is to see their kids loved~

I think that's what all HEALTHY parents want...that's definitely not all my ILs want!  :)  Good for you though!  I love hearing these kinds of things from MILs...it is always nice to be reminded that I'm not the one with outlandish expectations!

penelope

 only thing I expect is when in my home show respect~I don't expect phone calls,gifts ect..if your on leave,heck yeah you should spend some time with your family,we have done nothing but support him. See we never said oh we don't think you guys should ever be married,no,we said your young and wait,I even told my ds,shes never been away from home,if you are pushing her into this it's wrong,shes young and needs to find her own independance,her families best friends told me in OCT she was raised in a bubble,she had told me she had never been away from home without an adult present,then after the wedding when she moved back to parents,she post on Fb she was on house arrest(grounded),I thought oh this can't be good,I was shocked her mom said the kids couldn't drink at their wedding,yes my son was 20,but as i told her...he's been on his own since 18,I will not tell him what to do. I love hearing the dil sides on here to,I honestly at one point felt like a monster....I just felt in todays society,life is hard enough,get a career and some stability before you take on marriage:) or..I don't know,maybe actually date for real first!! hahahaha

holliberri

Penelope,

I'm not defending your DIL, but I'm identifying with her a lot. My MIL was upset that I didn't cry when DH deployed either.

The truth is, I did cry...a lot. I was alone in Cali by myself with my pets, a job, a house, and NO friends. Zip. (I hadn't lived there that long--it's not that I'm unfriendly). Simply, no one was there to see me cry.

I just didn't cry in front of everyone at the airport. MIL expects me to react in ways that she would, but I don't. And, if there's a crowd around, I definitely wouldn't. (I did bawl like a baby for the 3 1/2 hours before my DH went overseas the first time, but it was just him and me at the airport--now that I think about it, it couldn't have been that much fun for him watching me cry like that!). I try really hard not to wear my emotions on my sleeve, especially among a crowd of people.

You aren't a monster, and I can't believe how sheltered DIL has been (that's one part I don't identify with--I had left home when I met DH). The military makes their recruits grow up fast; they make the wives grow up fast too. I think moving away might be the best thing for her. You mentioned in one of your older posts about her parents, and to me, it seems like she's never had to grow up.

Marriage, especially that young, takes a lot of growing pains. But, the good part about that is that you do eventually settle on a middle ground with your spouse, and you mature.  I think the growing pains have rippling effects though; it spills over into issues with the parent for a little while.

I had ZERO stability until I got married. I dropped out of college (I failed community college so many times I'm not allowed back--who does that!?) 5 times! As soon as I got married and moved out officially, I got serious, and I'm in one the top MBA programs in the U.S. It's the same for DH as well; no one ever thought he'd finish is Associate's let alone take on grad school.  We've both done it while working full time, and now, raising a baby. Marriage was the best thing that could've happened to me (I didn't know it at the time, though).

LaurieS

Quote from: holliberri on February 03, 2011, 11:40:47 AM
I had ZERO stability until I got married. I dropped out of college (I failed community college so many times I'm not allowed back--who does that!?) 5 times! As soon as I got married and moved out officially, I got serious, and I'm in one the top MBA programs in the U.S. It's the same for DH as well; no one ever thought he'd finish is Associate's let alone take on grad school.  We've both done it while working full time, and now, raising a baby. Marriage was the best thing that could've happened to me (I didn't know it at the time, though).
Isn't that what a good marriage is really all about.. bringing out the best in each other.  Becoming stable in a relationship can only make you more stable as a person.  My mother asked me once what made me quit my wild hippy ways as she put it and I simply said that I found someone worth changing for.

It's the relationships where only one person is expected to contribute time, energy, emotions and marriages falter.  Hopefully with Penelope's dil, that she will mature and be able to gives to her dh as much as she is freely taking.  It's when thing become so lopsided that you have to question if the relationship is healthy or will last.  I don't know about others but with  my own dil, the relationship between them is at times as lopsided as our relationship is with her I can't help but to wonder if the two aren't going hand in hand for some reason.

holliberri

Sometimes I wonder if it's a timing issue. I don't do things for my MIL at the right time, and vice versa.

She wanted this close mother/daughter relationship immediately, and I pulled back. WAAAYYY back. I might have pulled back too far, so I'm trying to step forward a little...hence inviting her along to adopt and I have e-mailed her a photo or two of DD from my Blackberry (which, I never send photos, so I wasn't avoiding her...I just don't take photos with my phone).

She replies about the photos to DS. If I ask her a question or send a link about an adoption, she responds to DS. It's hard not taking that personally, and I'm trying not to read too much into it...but I can't fix the lopsidedness alone, and neither can she.

Hehe, I'm always on here saying NEVER e-mail...so I should probably call at some point. But, she's probably behaving like she thought I was. When I think of it as a timing issue, it's easier not to feed into it or make a ton of assumptions about her behavior, or thinking she's doing it on purpose.

I guess the problem with relationships like these is things happen and everything gets murky quick; then things KEEP happening and it gets piled on. A magic eraser would work wonders sometimes.


holliberri


LaurieS



LaurieS

Actually I was thinking about what you said and trying to apply it to any aspect of my life.. while it did not fit for me.. I was thinking well ... possibly .. she could be onto something there. 

The magic eraser (still chuckling over the magic v aren't you) would maybe clean the slate but some people pick up right where they left off.