ILs visiting after grandchild's birth

[LaurieS]

I couldn't imagine having my mom in the birthing room with me but my dad?.. ewwww no.. I mean what kind of accident landed him in there.. did be make a left instead of a right while going to the men's room?

I also think it's kinda odd about sitting down and discussing the holiday layout.. this is only setting everyone up for failure.. Kinda like the grandparent who had an agreement that she would get possession of her gc'd once every 3 weeks for no less then 36 hours etc.  Of course the discussion of holidays have come up, but all we ever said was.. make them fun.. and don't forget to make them about you as a couple.  This year my son and dil took a Christmas cruise... I mean I would have loved to have had them for Christmas but weighing it out.. Mom's Christmas Cookies vs Ship Cruise to Cozumel.. well I know what I would have done.

[Pen]

We never discussed it either. I assumed we were all caring, sensitive adults & it would work out for all. Instead, DIL's parents took what they wanted and we fit ourselves in around the edges. Maybe a discussion would have been better.

DS & DIL also take trips @ the holidays, but with DIL's FOO. I sort of do resent that, even though I would never ask him to trade an exotic locale for a boring holiday with us.

[pam1]

No one was around when I went into labor but him.  We thought he'd drive me there and get me settled in and then he'd take off.  DD made a very fast appearance though.  As soon as the nurse checked me she yelled at him to come over  from behind the curtain and hold one of my legs up while she prepared the tables and called the dr.  And she called him Dad as if he was the Dad of the baby.  Of course he was too shaken up to correct anyone at the time (and I'm not even sure that he understood that they had NO idea that he was MY Dad, not the baby Dad) so I have memories of the nurses and Dr calling "Dad" over to check out DD's weight and everything.  I tried correcting all of them but they kept telling me to breathe and wouldn't listen to me. 

While I couldn't look him in the eye for a full year after that episode -- considering my other options at the time, he was probably the best choice to be there for something like that.  DD's father probably would have fainted, my Mom would have a massive anxiety attack.  Dad just did what they told him.  LOL

[stilltryen]

Oh, no, sorry, it wasn't like a command discussion.  They were over for dinner one night and we were sitting around chatting about the wedding, marriage, etc. and we started chatting about the holidays, which is why it came up.  I told them that we had this same arrangement with hubby's mom (dad died before I met him) and they thought it was a great idea.  It's not carved in stone, in fact, this past Christmas we had to revamp completely and it worked.  If they came to me and said, "Hey, we're going to be out of town this Christmas, so we're not going to be here," we'd work around it.  The point that I've tried to make to DIL is that we love our son just as much as her folks love her.  While we don't want to interfere with their lives, we want to be included and be a part of their lives.  Fortunately, she seems to understand this.  Thus, while she has her folks over and they do things with her folks 90% of the time and we get perhaps 10%, at least we haven't been completely shut out. 

[stilltryen]

Ha, but when I re-read my post, "I sat them down........" it does sound like I had them over for a specific issue.  I'm taking much too much license with my words.  Sorry about that.

[LaurieS]

It's ok.. but there have been some MIL's who have tried to force the signing of a contract when it came to holidays.. we're just making sure we understood it correctly. 

When it became obvious that the waters were being testing concerning holidays.. My son piped up with.. but you need to understand mom that holidays with the family are extremely important to my wife.. I said no, holidays with her family are important.  I'm not going to try and force anyone, but I'm not going to play dumb either.

Another time and I may have mentioned this before... surprised visit from ds/dil.. I had like a days notice.. ok how much fun.. they go onto her parents where they have a full blown birthday party for my son, tickets for all 15+ to go to the baseball game the next day, etc.. I never thought I looked that dumb but I guess I do.. I asked. hmmm we had a days notice that you were coming in for a day.. and her family had the same one days notice and they were able to plan ALL this including a B-day celebration for my son.. wow I think her family knew weeks in advance and for some reason I don't think dil had any intentions of letting us know that they would be in the area.. My son finally confirmed my thoughts.. I was more upset with him thinking that I am that naive and can be so easily fooled.

[lancaster lady]

Each time asked my son what they were doing for Christmas ...''Not sure ''...''Don't know '' .....
This was my only GD and her first Christmas .
As the holidays came nearer, still no plans ...!
Then we could maybe fit you in 27th Dec .....how kind of you to think of me !!!
So it turns out they went to DIL FOO for three days and nights !
Was this a spare of the moment plan ?  I think not .!

Why do DIL not accept that GK have two sets of GP's ??

[LaurieS]

I guess my question is also... why doesn't the dil's parents see what is going on.. or do they as they celebrate that bit of information silently.

[pam1]

Oh I'm sure they see it.

My in law's do but it's ok, they are special.  Seriously.  MIL has told me how special her childrens sibling relationship is and how that is the most important relationship in families, she thinks most people don't act that way.  As if mine is not?  And frankly, my siblings and I actually like each other and talk quite a bit.

[Hope]

lancaster lady - I couldn't agree with you more.  Both sets of gp's are equally important!  I look at women who disregard their in-laws' feelings without real cause as being very selfish and disrespectful to their dh - or ds - depending on whether they are the dil/mil (excluding cases where they are being mistreated by in-laws).  For some reason, men are typically wimps when it comes to sticking up for their own foo.  I don't think men want to fight about it especially with their wives when women usually have a lot stronger emotional connection with people and relationships in general.
Feeling your pain.   
Hugs, Hope

[LaurieS]

Oh I'm sure they see it.

My in law's do but it's ok, they are special.  Seriously.  MIL has told me how special her childrens sibling relationship is and how that is the most important relationship in families, she thinks most people don't act that way.  As if mine is not?  And frankly, my siblings and I actually like each other and talk quite a bit.

Last time we were in a surrounding with my dil's parents.. I walked over to my son as he was sitting down and wrapped my arms around him from behind and simply said, gosh I've missed you... the look my dil's father gave me made me realize that he has no clue that we love our kids, or that we are affectionate with our kids, or that my son would not hesitate to acknowledge with his own.. I've missed you too mom.  I really think that they see only themselves as being special in the kids lives... I don't know where that came from but it was odd.

[lancaster lady]

Maybe that's why my son seems so sad ...maybe he misses us as much as we miss him ...
Hopefully he'll find his voice one day ....and oh boy am I going to make a fuss of him at his wedding !
Thanks Laurie , might raise a few eyebrows ...

[pam1]

Oh I'm sure they see it.

My in law's do but it's ok, they are special.  Seriously.  MIL has told me how special her childrens sibling relationship is and how that is the most important relationship in families, she thinks most people don't act that way.  As if mine is not?  And frankly, my siblings and I actually like each other and talk quite a bit.

Last time we were in a surrounding with my dil's parents.. I walked over to my son as he was sitting down and wrapped my arms around him from behind and simply said, gosh I've missed you... the look my dil's father gave me made me realize that he has no clue that we love our kids, or that we are affectionate with our kids, or that my son would not hesitate to acknowledge with his own.. I've missed you too mom.  I really think that they see only themselves as being special in the kids lives... I don't know where that came from but it was odd.

I call those WTH moments.  There was plenty of those here too. 

This summer DD went home with my Dad/SM after they visited out here for a week.  Before they left on the plane we went to lunch with MIL/FIL.  After DD/Dad/SM took off for the airport, FIL turns around and looks at me and says that he's really shocked that DD left with Dad/SM.  He thought she didn't know them too well. 

It's like if they can't see it, it doesn't happen. 

[stilltrying2010]

Both sets of gp's are equally important!  I look at women who disregard their in-laws' feelings without real cause as being very selfish and disrespectful to their dh - or ds - depending on whether they are the dil/mil (excluding cases where they are being mistreated by in-laws). 

I sometimes wonder if I am being inconsiderate of them or if I have really "bad" ILs.  The thing with the timing around the actual birth is, ILs are no help.  They came when our 1st DD was born for 3 wks (overlapping my parents who came for 5 days).  After my parents left they did nothing, no dinners, cleaning, just criticism of how we were parenting and comparisons to GSILs children.
ILs came again after I had a surgery (my mom came for the initial 2wks) and ILs for 2 wks after that.  It was abdominal incision (just like a c-section) and DD was 18 mos old.  The said that if DD needed help in the night I could get up come to their room wake them and have them come to DDs room to get her... umm this is "helping"?  why not just have her monitor in your rm? 

Our situation now stands that I no longer call MIL because all she does is talk about GSILs children or FOO issues/gossip.  She doesn't ask about us or our life (which I should see as a good thing) but have to say I never offer up much info since she IS such a passer of information... am I wrong in thinking that if she cared she might show some concern? Or call when our DD is awake? 

The only times MIL wants to visit us is for free vacations (we're apparently full-service) and at major life events.  Am I supposed to perceive this as caring?  Isnt there supposed to be a relationship btwn the parties involved?  I often feel like she just wants to say My son in XX is (having a baby, built a new house or needs my help) yet then comes and... nothing.

Is it my negative outlook on the visits (even before they happen) causing it?  Someone posted about direct & indirect talker & that seems to apply a lot to us.  The thing is, my parents are they type to say If you can be here great, if not we understand while his demand attendance and they will keep on asking to try to wear you down.   Interesting since we never hear from them... basically DH speaks to his FOO once every 6 wks or so

I am thinking my expectations of them are what gets me into trouble but how do you not expect people to be "normal"?  Should MIL expect to visit her new grandchild the week its born especially when there has been no involvement with us or about us in the preceding 9 mos? 

I am sorry this is rambling but DH and I are "discussing" this to death - he this its all in my head and says he cant understand why I just don't tune them out.  Trust, I wish I knewhow. 

[Hope]

stilltrying2010,
Please don't take what I wrote to mean that I think you should be walked on by your in-laws.  It seems unreasonable to me to expect your ds/dil to host an extended visit especially immediately after the birth of your child.  Honestly, if you are recovering it would seem a caring in-law would do all they could to lend a hand.  If your in-laws are planning to visit while your dh is away all day, I think it should be up to you whether they stay at your house and for how long.  I would like to think that your dh would want to arrange his parents to stay at your house when he is around to visit with them - unless you feel comfortable having them with you while he is at work.  My kids all live in town, so we haven't had to deal with this issue.  However, my odd lived four hours away during her first marriage and when we went to visit them, it was always to work on their house which was under construction (they were living with her mil while they reconstructed a very old house).  We would drive an eight hour round trip, work a straight eight hours or so on the house, I would bring lunch and we would treat them out to dinner, then drive back home.  No staying overnight (except for when they were splitting up - we stayed extra long to work on the house and stayed at a hotel).  My sister/bil have adult children out of town.  They stay with their dd/sil in their home when they visit their family, but use to always stay in a hotel when they visited their ds/dil.  They eventually were invited to stay at their ds/dil's home after many years of staying at hotels.  Each time they visited over the years, it was to paint, tile, or otherwise repair their ds/dil's home.  They spent endless hours working for them (and my sister cooked all their dinners before going back to their hotel for the night and made many of their window coverings).  Apparently their dil didn't feel comfortable having them stay at their house.  I think it can be too much either way - in their case, I felt that they were being taken advantage of.  I hope you can work out a win-win situation - and I hope that your dh takes an active role in his parents' visit.
Hugs, Hope