March 29, 2024, 01:15:05 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


ILs visiting after grandchild's birth

Started by stilltrying2010, January 27, 2011, 02:32:28 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

luise.volta

It's your home...your family unit...you make the rules. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Every situation is different, and every new mom/dad has different needs and comfort levels. My second MIL was a dream, way more supportive and able to intuit my needs than my own DM, but I wouldn't have wanted my first MIL anywhere near me as a new mom.

Don't feel obligated to do anything or to not do something. It's your say. However, there are kind, accepting, sensitive ways to let people know what you want, and there are rude, humiliating, hurtful ways. Pick the kind way.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Hope

Quote from: Pen on January 29, 2011, 10:30:20 AM
Don't feel obligated to do anything or to not do something. It's your say. However, there are kind, accepting, sensitive ways to let people know what you want, and there are rude, humiliating, hurtful ways. Pick the kind way.
Well put, Pen.  Your gentle kindness will go a long way, hopefully with pay backs of the same.  On the other hand, hurt breeds hurt.  I remember when ds was born (our first child and the first gc on my dh's side of the family), my mil asked to come "help out" after I came home from the hospital.  I knew my mil was excited in her new role and I complied - it was nice to share our joy.  She was kind to me but I can't say we were really good friends.  She came for the day (not overnight - she lived close by) and ended up sleeping on the couch when the baby was sleeping and I made lunch and did laundry.  I found  humor in it, but didn't really mind.  I couldn't picture her making me lunch - I much preferred to make my own (and hers while I was at it).  The way I see it, the more people to love your child/ren, the better.
Hugs, Hope

Pen

Thanks, Hope. What a cute story about your MIL napping.

Yup, the more the merrier when it comes to people who love your kids, I agree. Mine were surrounded by friends 'cos we didn't have family who were close. When it turned out our child was disabled it was nice to have that support when the going got rough. I would have loved to have had my MIL close by, she was wonderful.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Rose799

Quote from: Hope on January 29, 2011, 04:48:14 PM
Quote from: Pen on January 29, 2011, 10:30:20 AM
Don't feel obligated to do anything or to not do something. It's your say. However, there are kind, accepting, sensitive ways to let people know what you want, and there are rude, humiliating, hurtful ways. Pick the kind way.
Well put, Pen.  Your gentle kindness will go a long way, hopefully with pay backs of the same.  On the other hand, hurt breeds hurt.  I remember when ds was born (our first child and the first gc on my dh's side of the family), my mil asked to come "help out" after I came home from the hospital.  I knew my mil was excited in her new role and I complied - it was nice to share our joy.  She was kind to me but I can't say we were really good friends.  She came for the day (not overnight - she lived close by) and ended up sleeping on the couch when the baby was sleeping and I made lunch and did laundry.  I found  humor in it, but didn't really mind.  I couldn't picture her making me lunch - I much preferred to make my own (and hers while I was at it).  The way I see it, the more people to love your child/ren, the better.
Hugs, Hope

From one who felt like a whipped puppy on each of the days my 2 gc were born, thank you, Hope & Pen.  Your comments are very much appreciated. 

Tara, my heart is with you... 






Scoop

Stilltrying - I would say that you have more of a DH problem than a MIL problem!  If MIL talks to him about visiting, he should be saying "That sounds great, I'll talk to Stilltrying and see what works for us."  He doesn't have to say "NO WAY! Not until I ask Stilltrying's permission!"  But it's about him seeing that you and he are a unit and that you make decisions together.

So yeah, DH should NOT be making plans for MIL to visit without talking to you about it.  But, that doesn't mean you should be mad at MIL about it.  Of course she's talking to her son, she knows him better, and she knows how to talk to him so that he agrees with her.

For me, I can talk to my DH and he (usually) listens.   So I would talk to him (calmly) about how many people are in your marriage (you, DH & MIL?) and how many people will "parent" the new baby (you, DH, MIL, your Mom, the neighbour, the stranger in the store who insists that your baby needs a hat?)  But if your DH is not self-aware enough for that.  You might have to go see a marriage counselor for a few sessions to 'tweak' your marriage, in preparation for the baby.  I don't see any shame in that.  You don't want a small problem to become a big problem.

Maybe you can change the dynamic too.  Talk to DH about what you're comfortable with and then YOU call MIL and invite them for ONE WEEK, and how do these dates sound?  (Be specific and emphasize that ONE WEEK, so say June 24th to July 1st or June 28th to July 5th.)

Good luck!

overwhelmed123

The person you need to worry about being the least offended is YOU! :)  As long as you aren't doing anything to be nasty or cruel, don't worry about accommodating everyone!  They will get to see their grandchild, and hopefully they remember what it's like for your body to go through labor and remember that everyone handles it differently.  Don't focus on what would be "fair" at that point in time because it's not ever a "fair" comparison.  My mom seeing me in that kind of position and anyone else's mom seeing me in that position are two completely different things!  Be fair to yourself- I hear it is quite an experience! :)  Just set the right expectations and if someone else doesn't handle it gracefully, well that's their problem!

Mariatobe

Stilltryin - I know the grandparents are excited to see a new baby.  But MIL should know better.  2-3 weeks is WAY too long to come when you are getting used to living with a newborn again.  Also, don't leave it up to them to decide how long they stay.  It is YOUR house.  3 days tops, or they can stay in a hotel.  Your house is not  a hotel for them.  DH may do all the talking, but apparently, he doesn't want to tell his mother she's overstayed her welcome, and that is not fair to YOU.  When I had my second baby, my MIL stayed for a week, and went around rearranging my furniture and cleaning out my pantry because DH said it was okay.  It was NOT okay.  It is your house and they need to have the respect and courtesy to see that.  Your IL's do not.  So you should have a strong talk with DH.  3 days and hotel.  Or just 3 days.  But you are too busy too be stressed out by their visit.  Remember, it is YOUR house.  YOU are the one home all day, not him.  You set the rules.  Also, please read on DILsociety.com.  Good luck.

holliberri

Maria,

Haha...your cleaning out the pantry story reminded me of one of my own. In 2008, my G-ma came to town and thought all of my spices were expired. She chucked them.

My bad for replacing my McCormick spices with authentic ones from the places I visited while I was overseas. I should've labeled them better. I figured I'd eventually get around to replacing the McCormick jars with something nicer, but I couldn't afford it then. Besides, the only one that used them was me.

That was probably $500 worth of spices I lost.  :(

overwhelmed123

I'd be careful going to the DIL site posted above.  I've been there and found that DILs can easily get jaded there and start foaming at the mouth looking for new ways to fault their MILs.  And I'm a DIL.

LaurieS

Quote from: Mariatobe on February 01, 2011, 11:52:48 AM
Also, please read on DILsociety.com.  Good luck.

Hmmm this is the website that has the opening banner asking "Are you in MIL hell?"  I think you're going to be met with some resistance on that one Mariatobe.  While we speak of families being enmeshed I don't think any of us want to be connect with that website in any way.   

LaurieS

Quote from: holliberri on February 01, 2011, 12:02:41 PM
Maria,

Haha...your cleaning out the pantry story reminded me of one of my own. In 2008, my G-ma came to town and thought all of my spices were expired. She chucked them.

My bad for replacing my McCormick spices with authentic ones from the places I visited while I was overseas. I should've labeled them better. I figured I'd eventually get around to replacing the McCormick jars with something nicer, but I couldn't afford it then. Besides, the only one that used them was me.

That was probably $500 worth of spices I lost.  :(

But her heart was in the right place

holliberri

Wait,

I didn't catch that last part...Maria, you're on there?

I'm on there too, and I don't find that site helpful at all. It turns my little annoyance with my MIL into rage. All it does is provide me validation, and I don't need that 100% of the time. I need to tamp it down, not crank it up. I've never posted, but I do have a profile. Actually, the stories on there are what lead me to my "no e-mailing" stance with ILs. So I guess it has helped in that respect.

Still, when I read those stories, I want to move to Antartica and cutoff my ILs, and that's just not necessary at this juncture.

I'm recommending not going to that site; you already have your feelings about your IL and their behavior; you don't need other people's stories to add to it.

holliberri

QuoteBut her heart was in the right place
No it wasn't. Her heart should've NEVER been in my pantry.  :P

Pooh

I am so proud of you ladies!  Seriously, holli...overwhelmed...you up for adoption????  Huh huh????
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell