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ILs visiting after grandchild's birth

Started by stilltrying2010, January 27, 2011, 02:32:28 PM

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Rose799

Quote from: luise.volta on January 27, 2011, 06:27:53 PM
No a friend took that about 5 years ago. Isn't he a "fox?"  8)

Yes 'um...  And he's married -- with children?    ;) :D ;D

SisterAI

If this is your first child please read the "Lemon Clot" essay. I am a mother of two and all I can say is the following tips. I wish you a quick and easy recovery.

Anyone who visits for more than 30 minutes a day should be prepared to:
Clean as needed or requested or Cook
Leave the room while you breastfeed (if you are)
Willing to fetch and carry for you as you rest (you can't even drive for 5 days after a c section- too much movement and not enough rest slows down recovery)
Understand that MOM is the one that took care of the baby for 9 months and should ALWAYS get her baby back when requested and guests should be more than happy they are able to visit so soon anyway. Same for DAD.
Visitors should be understanding that you may not want visitors for the first two weeks.


Do you really want to have to worry about not getting blood all over the bathroom your guests will use? Breaking into weeping and hormonal moods? Will you feel bad or worry if you decide that you want to nap instead of entertain? What if you are so engorged that wearing a shirt is painful? You won't be able to be half naked with guests. How will you get baby on a schedule if there are people in and out, all over the place?

It is not unreasonable or wrong to only want your mom or mom/dad with you. YOU are the one that went through all that work and have undergone a medical procedure and know who will be of the most help and comfort. (Sorry, but while my MIL is awesome, I went with my mom because there are times in life when you want some comfort. My MIL understood and explained that she knew I wasn't trying to slight her, that I was doing what was most comfortable for ME and that the baby wasn't going anywhere.)

On not telling you how long they will stay:

BAD SIGN. While she is the grandmother YOU are the mom and the wife- she doesn't get a vote or a way to decide how long you host them or allow them to traipse into your home. Have your husband (if you think he can be firm with them) say that they can visit after X date for X amount of time. Please, for your sanity, don't let them stay with you.

There is no "Their needs" right now. There are you, your husband's and your baby's needs; everyone should and must respect that.

LaurieS

My own mother  was so useless after my second child was born I knew why I had asked my mil to be there when I had my first.  I agree with SisterAI (welcome BTW) if you are there for more then a few minutes.. pitch in if necessary.  We ended up with more photos of my mom holding my baby then of me holding him, and it was because I was having to keep up with my 2 year old while she 'tended' to the baby.  Needless to say when something happened with my dad and she had to leave, I thanked the man for small miracles. 

Scoop

Stilltrying - did you read what I wrote on the boundaries thread?  About NOT assuming the person meant something the "wrong" way.

So, change your mind!  MIL may have been asking to make sure you had help.  (Wouldn't that be nice?).  Of course she wants to see the new baby!  She's already in love with him/her too.

So then, what works for you?  What compromise can you see happening?  Is DH taking some time off?

I did some math and figured that you were due at the end of May.  So how about you invite them for the week leading up to the Fourth of July?  That way your oldest will be out of school and you can send Gma & Gpa to the park with your oldest and the dog.  Maybe they can have a picnic!  And then, maybe they can stay with the baby while YOU have a date with your oldest (even if it's just a backyard picnic).

Have DH talk to them and explain to them that 2-3 weeks is just too much for you and that you WANT to have a good visit with them, but it's just too much.  Have him explain that you'll have help for the first week(s), but you'll need more when your oldest is out of school.  This will make them feel helpful and needed.

But don't wait for them to ASK to visit, INVITE them, with the boundaries you NEED.

Rose799

Quote from: Scoop on January 28, 2011, 07:44:27 AM
But don't wait for them to ASK to visit, INVITE them, with the boundaries you NEED.

You mean it can really be that easy?!  I've doing it doing it all wrong for the past 30+ years!  Great advice!


cremebrulee

Luise, love the picture, what a beautiful family!!!!!!!

stilltrying.....
First, wishing you congrats on the new baby....how exciting....

Next, regarding the situation with your IL's....lady, your in charge, this is your time...so, do what best accomodates you and the new baby....however, if it were me, and I had a C-section and was coming home with a new baby, I surely wouldn't want anyone staying at the house but my mom....and even then, only a few days....

Staying at someone's home 2 or 3 weeks, to me is way to long and over staying a welcome....(unless this agrees with both parties)  I would never go to my DIL's home and expect to stay there for longer then 7 days, and that was just once, most times, it is 2 days flying down and back, and three days there at the most...and I've made up my mind, if I stay any longer then that, I will stay in a motel period.  Reason being, I like my quiet private morning time.....however, not everyone feels like I do, and do not mind house guests for that long....if it works out for everyone fine....I'm not even having a baby, and it would drive me nuts to have someone stay at my home for two to three weeks?  But that is just me....

So, my point is, again, this is your time, and no one else's, and getting used to a new baby, is difficult, and I've heard recouping from a C-section is also difficult, therefore, do what best suits you....and if someone takes offense, that is not your problem, it's they're problem....

When my DIL had her baby, my son's father and his witchy wife, whom my DIL gets along with, but knows how controlling she is, stayed for a week...I stayed away, until I was invited down...

Now, as far as I'm concerned, if they wanted to come here and visit me, that's fine, I have enough room and they're own bath...however, it wouldn't both me how long they stayed....but they are family....I just couldn't stay at someone's home for two or three weeks....

Now there are DIL's and MIL's who get along and that works just fine for them, so, it is strictly personal prefrence.


holliberri

My mom has taken great pride in staying at a hotel for visits with my brother. His ILs don't do that, bring an entourage and lounge all over the place for days on end...my SIL is ready to see them go when they leave. My mom gets a huge kick out of respecting their privacy; I think it's great. Instead of being upset that she isn't invited, she sees it as helping even more. Good way to look at it, I think. Could it be presented this way...StillTrying?

LaurieS

I think the greatest gift when my kids were born would have been.. well of course a pedicure.. but a housekeeping service to come in.  I would have been so much more relaxed if the big stuff was taken care of.. and when my mil did clean for me I almost felt a little guilty... also because I knew she was coming after the birth of my first child, I was cleaning at midnight when I went into labor, trying to have everything done in advance (also didn't want mil to think I couldn't keep a clean house) 

cremebrulee

Quote from: holliberri on January 28, 2011, 09:03:08 AM
My mom has taken great pride in staying at a hotel for visits with my brother. His ILs don't do that, bring an entourage and lounge all over the place for days on end...my SIL is ready to see them go when they leave. My mom gets a huge kick out of respecting their privacy; I think it's great. Instead of being upset that she isn't invited, she sees it as helping even more. Good way to look at it, I think. Could it be presented this way...StillTrying?

Your mom sounds awesome..... ;D

cremebrulee

I will say this....
Once I had to have surgery, and My MIL came to help when I came home from the hospital and that was a huge help.

Pooh

I love Scoop's advice!  I was thinking when I read the original post that instead of looking at MILs questions as negatives, maybe look at them as positives.  You said she had been polite since Christmas and maybe she was asking about your parents visit because she didn't want to intrude and wanted to offer to visit and help after they leave?  Maybe she is trying to change?

I think in another thread that was the suggestions that the MIL could do that would be nice.  Offer to come later and help?

Now, I do think there needs to be respect of your boundaries and that she should stay at a hotel and only visit for a little while.  And I think there is nothing wrong with giving out the rules you are comfortable with and recognizing her need to see her GC.  If she doesn't want to follow the boundaries (as long as you are willing to include her somehow) then she has not changed. 

I believe in second chances if someone is sincere.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Thanks Pen.  She said they were now talking some and I would hate to think they are both making an effort and have it all go awry because of a misunderstanding.  Although I think MIL should have just asked her while she was on the phone instead of asking DS about the ILs.  Would have cleared up what she meant by it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

stilltrying2010

Thanks for your words of wisdom.

Scoop - I DID read what you wrote (actually have read a book called the 4 agreement don miguel ruiz that has some mysticism stuff I personally disregarded but the 4 ideas of intentions, taking things personally, not having expectations, & trying your best).  Maybe I should reread it :)

I fully admit that I am guessing at MILs intentions.  I feel I am dancing around her because she dances around me - nothing is ever discussed btwn her & I - she chooses to go through her son & I seem to get stuck dealing with the outcomes.  If I am excluded (always) from her discussions about coming down here, why would I be considering her? (I am not at all meaning to sound offended by what you wrote, I am not - just asking questions back)

My DH & I talked about her coming & he said Could you blame her for being excited about meeting her new grandchild?  No, not at all.  We've spoken 4 times since she found out (in october) that I am pregnant (inc once for xmas & once for my bday).  So I guess she isn't living up to MY expectations of what an excited grandmother is.  Add in that all conversations include a How's DD #1 and nothing more - does not call when dd is awake talk to her, send her even an email - then it is a discussion of GSIL & her great children or who in the FOO is screwing up.

All that being said, I almost think you are right in that I will have to bite the bullet and ask her if she plans on coming here.  Is that the same thing as an invitation?   I don't think so either, maybe I need to sort out more of my angry feelings first 

dablacks

Nice picture Luise.  I have to figure out how to do that on this software. 

I agree with you 150% that "Guests are like fish, after three days they stink". That's a quote I read once from Ben Franklin and 250 years later is more true.

I have room in my house for guests and find it very stressfull if it goes over a week.  Just because I feel it is my responsibility to keep everyone comfortable.  It does become a B&B and I am exhausted.  My mother has always been under the mindset that she needs to be waited on when she visits.  Even when she was my age now, she would come over my house when I had just had my son, which was a week before Christmas and expect a meal and be treated like she was at a resort, my house.   I was a young silly girl who thought I had to oblige. My ex-mother-in-law was worse.  Nightmares,  :( when I think back at those days.

So young miss who is pregnant, take the advise from all these "Wise Women" and YOU set the rules on the visit.  A hotel that serves free breakfast, sites they might enjoy in the area and an afternoon visit AFTER lunch.  Dinner could be a pizza delivery or THEY can go pick up some take out.  The point being that YOU, a first time Mom or even if this were your fourth child does not have to entertain people even if you are related.