What are the nature of the boundaries you have set with your dil, ds, dd?

[Pen]

OK ladies, talk me down please! I just stopped myself from texting DS.

I do not want to bug DS, but he's left a couple of vague texts regarding upcoming plans with us after sending one fairly definite one. Apparently DIL nixed that idea. I haven't heard one peep for a couple of days now. I'm so tempted to call/text and pin him down. I know it's counterproductive but I'm really sick of this! There are other people involved, such as DDD who is hurt and confused.

Grrr!

[LaurieS]

I would not text or email him.. I'd call him and catch a time when he has a few minutes to talk.  Knowing me, I'd ask him to spell it out why there are a change of plans.. it could be legit..

[Pen]

I know, but I am having a hard time staying away from the phone! My text-y fingers are itchin' bad, Laurie, real bad.

[LaurieS]

Oh I know that feeling.. and then my fingers seem to develop a mind of their own.. but trust me the phone call is so much better.. and you'll be able to hear if he is handing you a line of crap.

[Pen]

Thanks, Laurie. I'll wait until tomorrow and see how I feel. Whew, dodged that one!

[LaurieS]

What bothers me most about my relationship with my ds and dil, is it's always the same thing over and over and over again.  You just get so tired of dealing with the same crap day in and day out.. that's when you begin to think that they are never sincere and simply playing games.

[holliberri]

Did you make it okay, Pen? I know what itchy fingers does to me sometimes.

When you call, can you say something like, "Are our plans still a-go or not? If not there are other things I need to do."

Idk if its appropriate, but it usually gets me a definite answer and an explanation. I only use it when I know someone is about to back out on their plans.

Good luck!!! If you haven't texted, please reward yourself with chocolate. I have to do that.

[Tara]

What bothers me most about my relationship with my ds and dil, is it's always the same thing over and over and over again.  You just get so tired of dealing with the same crap day in and day out.. that's when you begin to think that they are never sincere and simply playing games.

Laurie,  I know its a different situation altogether, but i feel that about my son:  not sincere and always playing games.  It took
me awhile to realize it. 

[Pen]

Thanks for your support, everyone. I did make it til morning w/o calling or texting and don't have the text-y itchy fingers now. Can you believe there's no chocolate in the house??

I've not decided how to handle this. My friend says to make it clear to DS & DIL that I need a couple of days notice if they plan to come down. DIL is rather persnickety and critical so it makes me feel better to have my proverbial ducks in a row. How do I let them know that w/o calling or texting? I'm so afraid to call. How pathetic is this to be afraid to talk to your own son?

What really hurts is that DIL's FOO gets all the celebrations now. He's our DS but they get to fete his birthday and we get shoved to the background. I'm so tired of this. DS is dancing around, trying to please DIL & her FOO and keeping us on a string as well. It really sucks.

I would love a free pass of a couple of days to sit DS down and let him know how I feel w/o repercussions. Then I'd "flashy thing" him (Men in Black.)

[pam1]

What bothers me most about my relationship with my ds and dil, is it's always the same thing over and over and over again.  You just get so tired of dealing with the same crap day in and day out.. that's when you begin to think that they are never sincere and simply playing games.

Laurie,  I know its a different situation altogether, but i feel that about my son:  not sincere and always playing games.  It took
me awhile to realize it.

That's a really good way to put it.  I feel like that too.  It's always a game.

[pam1]

I agree with your friend, Pen.

Can you still plan your own bday celebration with him?  Will he be open to that?

[Tara]

Pen,

I think your friend is right, its not too much to ask for a couple of days notice. 
I do really understand about feeling afraid to talk to your ds and for me my dil as well.

One skill I'm working on with ds and even dh, etc. which learned from the book:  "The wizard
of oz and other narcissists" and also from a book recommended on this site called "A wolf
in sheeps clothing" is to simply and straightforwardly ask specifically for what you want and with
ds it was:  "I want you to acknowledge when I send you a gift, it can be a phone call, email or text
message.  Its good manners and completes the cycle of giving."  (He hasn't acknowledged the gifts
I send him for years till recently when I told him this this...

[lancaster lady]

What makes us always think twice before we speak to  our own sons ? I used to be so spontaneous ....now I'm so.hesitant ...... I know whatever I say will be repeated to DIL ,and who knows which way she will twist it.  Why can't we be our true selves? 

[Pooh]

We can LL.  I am not perfect, and there is always things I can work on about myself, but I refuse to pretend I am someone else. 

I think sometimes we need to just accept people and we could get along better.  If BOTH would accept each other and improve on some things.  If I could get my DIL to just say, "You know, I know I can be selfish, and I know I can be difficult" and me say, "Well yeah...and I know I can be stubborn and I know I can be too tough" and we both could say, ok but we can still get along by respecting each other...now that's out of the way, what's for lunch?

[holliberri]

Pen,

I think Tara has a very good question...can't you plan something separate? I see no reason DS couldn't celebrate twice. That's what we do, when everyone can't manage to get together at once. Two cakes is never a bad thing!

My b-day and DH's b-day are one day apart, so this "where are we celebrating OUR birthday" was kind of a sticking point. We've decided to just celebrate twice, just like the holidays.

Do you think this is possible?