What are the nature of the boundaries you have set with your dil, ds, dd?

[holliberri]

Scoop,

I agree with your last statement. We were at a nice restaurant on Saturday night with people we were going out with for the first time, and DH answered the phone.

It was his family; they wanted to Skype on Sunday (and if you see in earlier posts, he already told them he was going to church--he was lying). So, he lied again, and then told them he was at dinner with some new friends of ours. The conversation should have ended there (minus the lying part). Instead, it went into talk of who these friends were (I'm sure that made them comfortable), what we ordered, what kind of restaurant it was, what OUR  FRIENDS ordered...all while the rest of us were trying to have a dinner conversation. The phone conversation was NOT important.

I asked him to shorten the conversation next time with an "I'll call you back after dinner." He said that would hurt their feelings, and that it is better to err on the side of being rude to friends than it is to err on the side of being rude to family. He simply is unable to communicate with them; he hides behind me or he lies. What issues he tries to address are turned into something they're not.

I feel bad for him at times, but on the other hand, none of it will change until he decides to step it up. He had already chatted with them 3 times this week (and lied the whole time about Skyping). For the most part, he can chat with them whenever he/they want, except he doesn't want to tell them it's not a good time to talk and if  he doesn't feel like talking he can't just say that.

...and my biggest fear? That he might start doing this with me oneday and maybe to DD when she gets older. It's no way to communicate and it isn't fair.

[Faithlooksup]

Wow,  I don't care for this boundary idea much its almost like a check sheet at the front door before you enter---"please read." .. ...I feel setting a boundry is good if you are going to have a bunch over and 2 or 3 people in that group just do not get along...then its OK to let them know before hand, ok so and so are coming over as well so "please get along etc."

But when it comes to family and friends again simply applying common sence, along with Love and respect there should not be any problems to have to set boundaries......To each their own.....

[LaurieS]

...and my biggest fear? That he might start doing this with me oneday and maybe to DD when she gets older. It's no way to communicate and it isn't fair.

That is what I was thinking the whole time I was reading your posting.  In my mind, it's not a matter of what if, but when. 

[holliberri]

Someone mentioned up post that men like to see women bicker...it fits their preconceived schema of what women are really like.

I don't think this is DH, but this IS my FIL. He has told us so many times to just  lie to MIL b/c she can't handle the truth. He acts like he's being on our side about it. Then he makes some awful comment about women (so, I might be making an assumption, but I think he puts me in the category with MIL too...I can't say for certain). For some reason, he thinks it is easier to lie to her than to be honest, and he's taught DH to do that, and he doesn't even realize that DH lies to him now, b/c lying to MIL now means lying to both of them).

I assume strength before fragility...I think she CAN handle the truth...she's just never had to.

What kind of relationship can you have if you can't be honest? Plus, I'm proud...REALLY proud...I wouldn't want anyone thinking I couldn't handle something they told me, no matter what it was. It sickens me that someone would just write me off like that, and not respect me enough to tell the truth.

[LaurieS]

I've notice in my son's relationship with his wife that the more she lies to him, the more he lies to us... I'm assuming that he has begun to lie to her, and now she is lying more to him and us.  Ok, now I need my third cup of coffee

[Scoop]

Ah but Holliberri - you are ON to him!  He won't be able to pull that with you, if you don't let him.

My DH always gives his DM the "yeah yeah whatever" - he doesn't say no to her, he just agrees with whatever she says and then does whatever he wants.  He's tried pulling it on me, and I just laughed and said "Did you seriously just try to 'yeah yeah whatever' me?"  He knows that doesn't fly with me (boundaries).

Did you tell him that it was completely unacceptable for him to answer the phone during dinner?  I would have been furious.  There ARE important phone calls, but then you excuse yourself and apologize to your table-mates.

I don't know how to go about negotiating INTO an adult relationship with your parents / IL's / adult children.  I think it takes both sides to be willing, invested participants though.   Re-negotiating a relationship is always hard.

[holliberri]

Yes, I told him. He said it might've been important. I said, "But it turned out it wasn't." I'm not sure we got anywhere, but I think he knows I won't allow that again.

We just moved back here a year ago and are just now beginning to make friends, so the dinner date, to me, trumped talking about what we were eating.

I can see from what Laurie wrote, lying begets more lying. Perhaps that is why it is so wrong to do in the first place.

[Pen]

That's another boundary DH & I have regarding DS & DIL: We absolutely will not be involved in lies they might tell each other. DS told us once "Don't tell DIL I spent so much money on ________!" We told him we wouldn't run to tell on him, but neither would we lie if she asked. If the topic came up, we'd be honest. We suggested he come clean since it would be worse for him if she found out later, and lying is no way to start a marriage. As far as I know he followed through.

[holliberri]

Pen,

That's awesome. And, if my experience demonstrates anything, leading by example is extremely important in parenting. So, I have no doubt your DS followed through.

[Pooh]

I have boundaries that apply to everyone, not just family.


1.  I don't lie to people so please don't lie to me.  Even if I am not going to like it, get it out where we can deal with it.

2.  Don't betray my trust because once you do, you may have one opportunity to earn it back or you may not get that opportunity depending on the offense.

3.  Compromise means both sides being flexible.  I will not compromise when it comes to work ethics, morals or criminal activities.

4.   I like everyone to have an opinion, but don't get angry if I give you my opinion back.

5.   If we have plans and you are going to be late, please let me know and I will do the same. 

6.   If you want to talk to me, then please do so.  But talk to me, not at me.  Talk to me, not down to me.  I may not be Einstein, but I am not stupid.

7.   If I hurt your feelings or say something you do not like, then let me know...I will do the same.  I am pretty toughed skin but forget others are not sometimes.

8.    I like to do things for people.  I do them because I like to, not because I have to.  But I do expect a thank you.  Nothing fancy, a simple "Thank you for thinking of me" works.  I like to do nice things but if I feel you are unappreciative, then I will not do them for you again.  If you don't like me doing things for you, then just tell me and I will stop.

9.    I don't have a problem with people just dropping by my house.  As long as you understand that I may already have plans and have to rush you out.  Also, if you drop in without notice, I will not apologize for having dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be done and a floor that might need vacuuming.  I work full time and many other activities so my house was clean Sunday...you missed it.  I will not drop by yours unless invited or you tell me you feel the same way.  If you didn't mean it...refer to boundary 1.

10.  I am a very flexible person and very willing to compromise, if possible.  You do not have to love me or even like me, but I expect you to be respectful and civil to me as I am to you.  If you are not, do not be surprised by my reaction. 

11.  I like to laugh and have fun.  If you are always whining or griping about something, I will probably nod my head a couple of times and walk off.  If you don't like that....well then stop whining and griping about everything.

12.  When I go to a restaurant and my waiter is busy, I expect a simple "I'll be right with you."  Nothing spectacular, just acknowledge my presence.  You will still get a nice tip and I will be back.  I expect the same from my Sons, DIL, MIL, Mom, Dad, coworkers and friends.  If I call, text or email or speak to you...I expect an acknowledgement within a reasonable amount of time.  Tell me you are busy and you'll get back with me...then do it.  And refer back to boundary 1 if you are confused on how to answer.  If you don't, then don't expect me to be back.

13.  I like to talk to my family and friends.  It doesn't have to be on a schedule or even once a month.  Just check in every once in awhile.  But I like to let you know that I care, am interested in your life and love you.  If you don't feel the same about me, then I am entitled to not like it and after a long time of this, entitled to reclassify you to another group.

14.  I am a very forgiving person if you are sincere.  I recognize that I screw up too.  But doing something terribly wrong the first time is a mistake...doing it again is a choice. 


That is my main things.  I really am pretty easy going and flexible.  I think most of mine boils down to common courtesy and my expectations of how I want to be treated and treat other people.  I know we say that it is MY expectations...and it is.  But I will also do my best to follow YOUR expectations.  And if they are way off from each other, refer to boundaries 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 11 so we can work it out.

[Tara]

Pooh,

This is really great.  Did you just write this? 

[lancaster lady]

Pens Post :
DIL's FOO drops in whenever they like, calls or texts many times a day, gives advice, asks for and gets help from them, etc. In other words, they act like a close, perhaps a bit enmeshed, family. They are DS's shiny, new, fun family. We are treated as odd acquaintances who are occasionally thrown a bone. (I'm a little jealous, yeah.) We've yet to be invited to DS/DIL's home except to help them move which we did twice. We declined their kind invitation the last move, LOL.

Hi Pen ... This describes my situation to a 'T' ...!!
you will have to give me some hints and tips on how you stay so happy ......!!

[juju68]

I love that boundaries list.....I am 42 an have never had boundaries I have just been a doormat an I am really going to follow your list if you dont mind? Thanks that is so cool:)

[lancaster lady]

Holliberri
Your MIL should have hung up straight away and said I'll call you later ......
The fault is with her I think .

[Tara]

I agree Holliberry, its basic manners.