What are the nature of the boundaries you have set with your dil, ds, dd?

[Scoop]

Holliberri,  I can't think of any good examples off the top of my head (oh the pressure!) but I think Courtney gave some good examples for you:

'I remember when my kids were little, I did this...or that...'
'Where did you hear about this company?'
'Did you ever try this other brand?'
'Why would you rent the item if you can buy it?'
'When he's crying like that at 2pm, why doesn't he just go for a nap?'.

It's easy to take offense when we don't know where the other person is coming from. When my Mom questions me, I know, deep in my heart, where she's coming from.  With my MIL, it's not so easy, because we have a history of conflict.

Another, not quite the same example, when someone cuts me off in traffic, instead of thinking "what a jerk!" and raging over it, I tell myself, "That person sure is in a rush, I wonder where they're going, maybe they're having a baby (yay!) or maybe they're going to someone's deathbed (sigh)."   In the end, the persons ACTUAL intentions don't matter in this case.  If I take it one way, I'M ANGRY and if I take it another way I'm sympathetic.  At the end of the day, it's better for ME to be sympathetic instead of angry.

I'm also thinking of the posters who think that people post things on FB to annoy them personally.  Thinking like that makes you sad and hurt.  And if that person didn't mean it that way, then you've hurt yourself and done damage to the relationship.  If the person DID mean it 'meanly', well, if you don't take it meanly, then it didn't work.  It's a win-win baby!

[holliberri]

Scoop,

I'm sorry, I don't think I was clear enough. MIL cries at the drop of a hat. We were explaining to her that DD had a LONG day for a 7 week old and she cried and said she'd never touch the baby. Or, our friend dies and we need to leave town immediately. She cries.

She hasn't made me cry (Mom taught me crying was kind of useless if I wasn't going to get my way). 

We normally cave, and I'm trying to think of an appropriate, but  different way to handle this. She is so sensitive that she takes everything personally.

Did you and DH have a conversation about "meaning it  the other way" if it can be taken two ways? Do you have to explain the second, different way to interpret something?

Thanks for your help!

[LaurieS]

Holliberri, she will most likely cry whenever you don't see something her way.. she has most likely gotten away with it and was able to turn things around to suit her need.  If a few tears would work, I'd cry too.  While she is hitting all the highs and lows and becoming quite the extremest, you are bending to her wishes, or at the very least feeling slightly responsible for the endless tears.  To me this is no better then the child that you hear in the store screaming and crying because he was told no when asked for a toy.  To often they learn that if you cry, holler, pout, throw tantrums, you will get your way in the end.  You have no intention of accepting this behavior from your own child, you certainly don't have to accept it from your mil.

You don't need to feel badly about her crying, and the threat of she'll never touch the baby.. that sounds like a old lady that needs to grow up. 

[luise.volta]

Patient look: "When you are ready to talk about this let me know. Everyone expresses emotions differently and I have learned that problems aren't solved in the emotional arena." 

[Tara]

Scoop,  I think that rule # 2 is funny and delightful.  I took it as a good hearted, give our partner/other  a break kind of approach.
Holliberry, You MIL sounds difficult and not very skillful, at least in the areas you are describing.

[holliberri]

Laurie, you have a really good point. I'm definitely perpetuating the cycle by giving into her behavior. I'm just really not used to crying.

Luise, I like what you wrote...I think I am going to try to memorize this, and try to use it next time. That was a very tactful statement, and it still acknowledges her feelings. Thank you!

Scoop's rules could eliminate a lot of hurt feelings. (BTW, Scoop, we do the 2-week 50/50 clean too! It keeps my sanity!)

[Barbie]

Pen,

My situation is a lot like yours and I feel extremely jelous of DIL's family and how DS spends more time with them than he does with us. According to DS, DIL knows I feel this way and this is one of the things she holds against me, she told DS to tell me it's not a competition, there's no comparison and I should just get over it. I cannot hide my feelings so be it. Also I think if it wasn't this, she would find another excuse not to have a relashionship with us.

Scoop and Holliberri, I want to say that as DILs you bring a lot of wisdom to this forum and have helped me look at things from a different perspective. It's too bad I can't put much of it into practice because DIL won't give me a chance. If there is any advice you or anyone else can give me as to how I should get over the jelousy I would really appreciate it and try to work on it.

Hugs.

[luise.volta]

My guess would be that this isn't about your DIL. If I was in the same spot, I would start a journal about every jealous feeling I can ever remember having. When I do that, thoughts usually come out of the wood work. It may not be what you need, of course, just because it works for me. Once I get what it's really about, and sometimes it takes a while...I can usually process it and then the situation that was a mountain becomes a molehill. Sending love...

[Rose799]

Hi Barbie,

   I'm so sorry, I have similar issues with dd & I know how much it hurts.  Think back to the person you once were before dc.  Do you remember that girl?  I honestly had forgotten.  I was completely beaten down, for multiple reasons, not just because of dd's behavior.  She was the final straw.   For the time being, try to forget about your ds & focus on yourself.  Imagine going back to pick up that girl you left behind, dust her off & ask what would make her happy.  Find a hobby, go for walks, do some gardening, anything that brings you joy.  Invest your time on people who appreciate you.  When you think of your ds & dil, send them loving thoughts, imagine life is just the way it's supposed to be & then move your attention back to yourself.  That's what I'm learning to do.  I was a SAHM who put all my eggs in the dc basket. There were lots of things I wanted to do & couldn't because I had a chronic illness & always put dh & dd's first.  This is our time now.  We can come & go as we please & don't have to answer to anyone.  Changing my negativity to positive thinking has made a world of difference.  I spent way too much time thinking about problems over & over & over.  I drove dh crazy trying to find answers as to what I'd done wrong & what I should do differently.  I was a doormat, no doubt about it.  I've learned that people don't respect weakness.  I didn't respect myself in that state.  I was pathetic.  I still falter some days, but it's gradually getting easier.   The threads on this board have helped greatly, to know I'm not alone & to learn from other people's experiences.  I feels a little like when I got married & moved far away from FOO.  I was sooo homesick.  But as time went on, I adjusted, & now I wouldn't give up my new home for anything in the world. That's the goal, to be happy & bloom where we're planted.   

"Everything's okay in the end.  If it's not okay, then it's not the end."  Author unknown   

[LaurieS]

Barbie... I don't know if I can totally agree with Luise on this one.  Your feelings might be quite justified and while yes it is up to you to accept it and move on.. most likely you are feeling the jealousy because you are being slighted as a parent.  I feel with  my own dil, that this is how she wants us to feel, and I also firmly believe that she wants us to take it to anger so she can justify cutting us off.  While your own dil may not want to use the word competition, she has none the same turned it into a game.

If I were to sit and try to mull over in my mind my own feelings, jealousy would have to be one of the top 5 things I listed.  It's not by our own doing, we have not been such horrible people that we can only visit with our son and his wife while her family is in attendance.  Judging time together should not be a competition, but when one person says that all their time will be spent only with FOO, they have turned it very one sided.  And competition or not you will lose at the game your dil is playing.

This is why I did set a boundary that I have no intention of crossing, and that is to decided when and where I will spend time with my dil's extended family.  I will guard my feelings and protect myself from a continued hurt and maybe just maybe one day she will grow tired of the game.

[cremebrulee]

Pen,

My situation is a lot like yours and I feel extremely jelous of DIL's family and how DS spends more time with them than he does with us. According to DS, DIL knows I feel this way and this is one of the things she holds against me, she told DS to tell me it's not a competition, there's no comparison and I should just get over it. I cannot hide my feelings so be it. Also I think if it wasn't this, she would find another excuse not to have a relashionship with us.

Scoop and Holliberri, I want to say that as DILs you bring a lot of wisdom to this forum and have helped me look at things from a different perspective. It's too bad I can't put much of it into practice because DIL won't give me a chance. If there is any advice you or anyone else can give me as to how I should get over the jelousy I would really appreciate it and try to work on it.

Hugs.

my opinion, it's common to feel extremely hurt and jealous of the fact that they have more time with your son and DIL then you do....

It's also common for the DIL to want to go to her parents home, more then yours, it's where she grew up, where her comfort zone is, however, she should be mature enough to understand your needs as well...and try and be fair....alternating visits and holidays....

and also, this is where your son should tell her, they are my parents to and they need equal time....

[Scoop]

Holliberri - you said:

I'm sorry, I don't think I was clear enough. MIL cries at the drop of a hat. We were explaining to her that DD had a LONG day for a 7 week old and she cried and said she'd never touch the baby. Or, our friend dies and we need to leave town immediately. She cries.

...

Did you and DH have a conversation about "meaning it  the other way" if it can be taken two ways? Do you have to explain the second, different way to interpret something?

First off, we did have a conversation about it, I had read the internet joke and laughed about it (and fumed about other aspects) and we talked about how much of a good idea that concept was.  And he said something along the lines of "OF COURSE I don't ever MEAN to hurt you INTENTIONALLY!"  And the 2 kind of go together, so if he says something that I find hurtful, he can't read my mind, so I sometimes say "what do you mean by that?" and then we talk about it, and it comes down to OF COURSE he didn't mean to hurt me.

For your MIL's crying, that's a hard one.  Because, thanks to this forum, I've learned that some people just cry, they can't help it and they're not using it as a weapon against you.  (Of course, some are.)  But, I think your DH needs to talk to his Mom and tell her that he feels bad when she cries, but he also feels manipulated by her tears.  He can even tell her the line about 'meaning it the other way'.  It may be asking too much for him to tell her that it hurts HIM that her first assumption is that he MEANS to hurt her.  And then they need to come up with a procedure or a code word between them.  So if she cries, he'll say "Mom, I mean the OTHER way." or maybe (depending on what she says) she just needs a moment, so he can say "Mom, I'm sorry you're upset, take a moment and we'll continue our visit / see you next time / call you tomorrow / whatever".  But it has to come from HIM.  Again, as far as I'm concerned, these men don't have an adult relationship with their parents, and everyone suffers because of it.

[Barbie]

I'm sorry I got off the subject and many thanks to the ones that responded...I've come a looong way and I'm ok most of the times, this jelousy is about the only thing that gets to me every now and then and I want to be able to work through it for ME.

[cremebrulee]

Barbie, don't be sorry about getting off topic, it happens...and also, believe you me, I felt the same way as you do...and it bothered me horrendously when the green envy used to sneak it's way in....so hang in there, it is a tough thing to go thru....

Hugs
Creme

[Rose799]

Again, as far as I'm concerned, these men don't have an adult relationship with their parents, and everyone suffers because of it.

I've been wondering why sons find it difficult to stand up for their FOO...  You make a good point.