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What are the nature of the boundaries you have set with your dil, ds, dd?

Started by Tara, January 26, 2011, 11:11:14 pm

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Pen

That's what I've been trying to do, but I've been unable to get a commitment from them on a day. We finally did set a date, but only after I texted DS and asked point blank. He wanted to come over immediately and when I said I needed some notice he got huffy. Apparently he and DIL don't expect anything special. However, I know that once they come over it'll be weeks before we see them again so I suggested putting all the birthdays that are around this season (DIL, DD & DS) together in which case a bit more fuss needs to be made (DDD is like a child that way.)

If DS had let me know a few days in advance, we could have had a fun, casual get-together without drama. Now I look like a pathetic, demanding, whiny old woman planning a "craptacular" no one wants.

Also, it hurts to have DIL's FOO take over. They pretend we don't exist and that DS is their son. Anything we do after they've done their celebration is sort of after the fact and sad. I don't want to be patronized or pitied, I just want to celebrate my son's birthday.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

Pen,

Hm...this might be playing a game here. But could you plan something before her FOO throw their "Event of the Season"? Beat them to the punch? It might not compare, but it would be first.

I could be misinterpreting this, so please tell me if I'm going after a red herring...but you said he wanted to come over immediately. Since you've mentioned he thanks you for not intruding...do you think he needs to come over for some other reason? Just to spend time with you, and not for his birthday? Is it possible that  what he needs is just some downtime from that high life (so to speak), and that could be the best thing you give him? I won't dwell on that too long, b/c if you need notice, he needs to respect that.

Also, is it possible that you just pick a date from now on...hold the ball a little longer in your court? "I wanted to celebrate your sister's birthday as well as your own and DIL's, and I'm thinking of this date: ______? If that doesn't work is there another date that would work for you? I'd like to make this special."

I don't think that's what you look like, by the way. But hey, what do I know...I'm just planning a craptacular for my kid's first birthday!

seasage

Quote from: Pen on February 07, 2011, 08:30:40 am
That's what I've been trying to do, but I've been unable to get a commitment from them on a day. We finally did set a date, but only after I texted DS and asked point blank. He wanted to come over immediately and when I said I needed some notice he got huffy. Apparently he and DIL don't expect anything special. However, I know that once they come over it'll be weeks before we see them again so I suggested putting all the birthdays that are around this season (DIL, DD & DS) together in which case a bit more fuss needs to be made (DDD is like a child that way.)

If DS had let me know a few days in advance, we could have had a fun, casual get-together without drama. Now I look like a pathetic, demanding, whiny old woman planning a "craptacular" no one wants.

Also, it hurts to have DIL's FOO take over. They pretend we don't exist and that DS is their son. Anything we do after they've done their celebration is sort of after the fact and sad. I don't want to be patronized or pitied, I just want to celebrate my son's birthday.


No Pen, you do not look like a pathetic, demanding, whiny old woman.  I have been reading your story here, and I think you are eminently reasonable.  A couple of days notice is reasonable.  Celebrating your son's birthday is reasonable.

Your mistake was not having enough confidence in your plans.  Don't use the excuse that you are going to put all the birthdays together, etc.  First - that idea is probably too complicated for your DS and DIL to comprehend.  Just ask one simple thing at a time.  Tell DS that you want to celebrate his birthday - just as you always have - celebrate your joy in having him as your son.  Don't convolute this one wonderful great request with all the lesser ones about other relatives' birthdays, about the birthday season, etc.

Your wish to have your DS and his family come to you and celebrate his birthday is one of the greatest things I can think of.  I want that for myself too!! (It won't happen).

Go for it!  Make it simple.  One request.  You plan it.  You invite your DS and his family.  You bake the birthday cake just as you have always done.  And you enjoy your DS!

Love,
seasage

lancaster lady

Quote from: Pooh on February 07, 2011, 06:08:43 am
We can LL.  I am not perfect, and there is always things I can work on about myself, but I refuse to pretend I am someone else. 

I think sometimes we need to just accept people and we could get along better.  If BOTH would accept each other and improve on some things.  If I could get my DIL to just say, "You know, I know I can be selfish, and I know I can be difficult" and me say, "Well yeah...and I know I can be stubborn and I know I can be too tough" and we both could say, ok but we can still get along by respecting each other...now that's out of the way, what's for lunch?


Pooh:
After our last showdown ,,,my F/DIL and I exchanged numerous emails where  I decided to tell it like it is ...I felt a huge relief I can tell you and asked if in the future ,if I upset her in any way she was to tell me and vice versa for me .
I said I hope we would both be truthful and hopefully there would be no offence taken on either side .
This way perhaps we can work things out .
We are still very cool with each other ,but I feel there is a mutual respect now on either side .
Accepting our own weaknesses is half the battle ,owning up to them is even harder .
Getting things out in the open and moving on has worked for me ..


lancaster lady

Thankyou so much Tara..x

It took an amazing amount of courage on my side ,I can tell you ,but I couldn't  stand things any longer
the way they were .My nerves were shot to pieces .
Still a way to go with access to my GD , but I'm ever hopeful ..

Pen

Holli, we tried but they had plans all month around the date and we just couldn't set anything. My bad luck for giving birth to DS so close to the holidays :(      Trying to beat DIL's FOO is impossible since they see them daily.

Thanks, Seasage, you are so wise. Unfortunately the date we set is right near the other two birthdays so we're kind of stuck doing all of them on that day. I wish we could just focus on one thing at a time. I'm sorry you aren't able to celebrate with your son :(

LL, that's great! I'm really glad you did what you needed to do and that it seems to be working out. Best wishes on continuing progress. Yay!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Pen you are definately a better woman than I am.  I think by now I would have said phooey on them and planned a big bash for DD who would be appreciative.  Then tell them that since they can't commit and give you notice, you are having DD a big birthday celebration on XXXX and they are invited.  Sorry, I'm being a witch, but you are trying so hard to do something nice FOR THEM!

I know you want to see him, just ignore me, I am mad on your behalf because you are a nicer person than I am.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Thanks Pooh, you are so sweet. A big bash honoring DD would be great, but there's only the 3 of us (DH, DDD & me) so it's low key by default. All of our extended family live days away. If we invite friends and DS & DIL decide to show up, DIL will leave since she hates our friends. More GRRRR!

In hindsight we should have let DS & DIL come for the flyby gift giving for DS and not been concerned with DIL's gifts at this point. We could have taken DD somewhere for her special day, mailed something later to DIL and been done with it. I've been trying too hard to be fair to all so that DIL will know we consider her part of our family. I thought that would make DS happy, too. Instead I've botched the whole thing and look like an idiot.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

No you haven't botched it, they have.  It's a two way street Pen, and your side is paved in gold while theirs is still tar and chipped!

OOOOooooooohhhhh, I'm still mad for you
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Tara

Hi Pen,

I really dislike it that as MILs we seem to try so hard and just can't 'get it right'.  grrrrr.
I'm sort of agreement with Pooh.  Maybe let it go.  I'm mad for you too.

Also, wondered about what Holliberry said earlier re:  maybe son would have just liked to
drop by to hang out a bit?  I wasn't sure by what you said earlier when you talked to ihm?


catchingup

Quote from: catchingup on February 04, 2011, 06:14:12 am
Quote from: Laurie on February 03, 2011, 10:58:52 pm
I'd love to go to England.. maybe Ireland first.. that would be a great vacation.

I am spending a week in London then a week in Wales and we cross over at Holyhead in Northern Wales on a ferry to Ireland for a week so shall send greetings to Ireland for you
I will be spending another 2 weeks in London on my return from Ireland.
I am really looking forward to the break.


My son seems to be insisting I use his car for the week in Wales.
It is only about 200 kilometers from London to Cardiff so he can catch a train and spend the week-end with us and drive it back.
He is a sensitive and generous guy.

So my son phones me tonight and insists I use the car.
"I can assure you Mom if it was a Merc or a BM I would definately not have given you my car"
;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)