Why do my children feel the way they do about me?

[dmr07@live.com]

I have always been there for my childen, I have five. I got a divorce two years ago, now my younger 18 yr old son and my oldest daughter 12, are against me and say I treat them terrible. I don't know what I have done. When  I try to use discipline they turn against me and say bad things about me on facebook. I have recently move an hour away, because I could not take the way my ex and his family treated me. I felt like they were always in my business and can't even go to my daughters game without them stairing at me. I have me a great guy and been with him for 7 month. I move and feel like I am the worse mother on earth. I cry all the time, because I left my three daughters there to go to school. My two older daughters don't want to move, but my youngest daughter does, but I am so scared of my ex and his parents, because they have money for a lawyer, that I am afraid to bring her here with me. We don't talk, he is living with the women he had an affair with she is 26 and another reason I could not stay living where I was. She acts like the mother to my daughters and my oldest daughter loves her!!! I am so hurt, and scared and don't know what to do anymore!!! Am I really that bad of a mother, because I tried to put myself first for once???

[luise.volta]

Kids often don't care much regarding how fulfilled their mothers are. At least that was my experience...when I gave up on my marriage of 18 years. It was the inconvenience to them that was their greatest concern. I was a fixture (my take) and my well-being was not an issue, theirs was. We make them the center of our lives because that's our job and their survival depends on it; then we think consideration and understanding ought to go with it. I doubt if it often does. When disappointment comes and responsibility (or the lack of it) rears it's ugly head in their lives...who better to blame? We are so handy. And we are the authority they have fought...a perfect target.

[holliberri]

Luise is right about that....

My parents divorced when I was 17...Sr. Year...I was class president...and Oh, the horror. Yes, it was awful, but what I whined and complained about most was how my life was changing. I still supported my mom (a little too much, I might add), but when I look back, the only thing I was really worried about what moving to a new home with her and whether or not she'd still have time to help me with prom now that she'd be working. I sided with her, not my father, b/c I was closer with her...it didn't matter to me that she was the one having an affair and leaving.

Superficial...yes...but I think that's what those teen years tend to look like.

But even without all of those issues, I do think it's normal for kids to just express their feelings on facebook, and in an especially hurtful manner b/c they haven' t learned to articulate it any other way yet. They feel emotions, and they talk. That's it. I think it's common, no matter the circumstances.

It's been 10 years, and I do feel a lot differently about all of this; as does my mom. The divorce was solely between them, and they both brought issues to the table. It affected me then, but it doesn't affect my life substantially now. My dad and I are very close now, and I'm also close with my stepdad (who is the guy my mom left my dad for). I love them ALL.

I think what your kids are doing is normal. I think that time will fix it. My dad was very patient with us, and b/c of that, I think everything is as it should be. I wish you the best of luck.

[dmr07@live.com]

I hope you are right, bc my heart feels like it has been ripped out of me. My children have always been first in my life and I feel like I am being selfish and doing something wrong bc they feel the ways they do about me. I didn't want the divorce, he had an affair, but they overlook that and I am the bad person bc I started the divorce and he lies to them and says he didn't have an affair, but he is 38 and with the 26 year old for over two years. I have just now found a great guy and that is the reason I moved an hour away. They tell me I am selfish and cannot hold a relationship down. It tears me up that they feel that way. I cry every day that they hate me as much as they do. I would do anything for them and love them so much!!!!

[Pooh]

They don't hate you.  They hate the situation and are taking it out on you.